[Net King] Take away my heart

in cold absence

in naked solitude

on the stairs of death

i write your name

— Paule Luard

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feel sleepy.

I don't know how long time has passed, I can't tell night from day, I don't know today, I don't know past and future.In the lukewarm turbidity, only the days when she didn't come to the hospital can be remembered very clearly.

The worsening of the disease made the dosage of the medicine more and more large, and the side effects of the medicine were making my mind increasingly blurred.That's fine too, if this way one can gradually empty out one's mind and emotions until one becomes a completely unconscious corpse, perhaps one will no longer feel unbearable pain.

But, it hurts.Somewhere in the body still hurts.

It's not the kind of pain where needles are stuck into the skin over and over again, and it's not the kind of pain that can't control the body's free movement. That kind of pain is like engraved in the heart. Whenever the mind becomes clearer, the body will naturally recall that pain. This kind of pain, no matter how hard you struggle, you can't erase it.

I was lethargic most of the time, my food intake decreased, my weight dropped sharply, and my body and mind were walking closer to destruction.I often feel like I am sleepwalking. For example, when I wake up, I suddenly don’t know where I am. I want to go to the bathroom, but I can’t find the bathroom.In the end, he had to go back to the hospital bed and continue to sleep, but when he woke up, he found that he was already standing in the bathroom, and he didn't even know how to find it.

The bathrooms in the hospital don't have mirrors, don't know if they did it on purpose or it's just there.Maybe some people have mirrors in their wards and some don't, but none in my bathroom.One of the most plausible reasons that can be thought of is because the doctors don't want a dying person like me to see myself in the mirror.

I don't even need to look to know that my current appearance has probably changed beyond recognition.

Turn on the faucet and fill the tub with water.There is a pungent potion smell all over his body, if he can wash off these smells, maybe he will feel much better.

Listening to the sound of rushing water, I started to feel dazed in the bathroom.Above the toilet was a blank wall with no decoration, and I always thought there should be a mirror there, but it wasn't.

Through that empty wall, I could seem to see a mirror there.What was projected in the mirror was a thin figure with a frighteningly pale complexion and skin covered with sporadic pinholes.

The boy in the mirror and I looked at each other for a long time, watching each other quietly.The boy in the mirror showed a feeble smile, as if telling me that it was time.I also moved the corner of my mouth slightly, and tried to respond, yes, that's right.

I stretched out my hand to grab the mirror, but the mirror disappeared without a trace at that moment, and the boy in the mirror also disappeared.What a pity, if there were a mirror, everything would be so much simpler when it was smashed.

I had to withdraw my hand that was out in midair trying to catch something.Only then did I realize that I was still holding the medicine sent by the nurse in my hand. She seemed to have told me to take the medicine after waking up.

Memories slowly emerged from the chaos, which is why I was looking for the bathroom, not to take a bath, or to find water to take my medicines, but to dispose of them in the toilet as usual.

Looking down, the toilet is at my feet.The process is very simple, just pour the pills in, press the button, and with a bang, all the pills are washed away in a blink of an eye.

For me without a mirror and locked in a hospital room, there were only two ways to end it all, stop pointless therapy, or drown myself in the bathtub.

The pills were flushed away, and the tub was getting fuller.At this moment, I am extremely calm, as if I have been so numb that I can't notice any movement around me.I was immersed in my own world, and I had a profound premonition that it seemed that I was about to completely fall into eternal peace.

"Jingshi... what are you doing... what are you doing..."

—until her voice interrupted the daydream-like calm.

I seemed to see good news in a trance.She stood in the doorway of the bathroom with an expression of disbelief, her eyes widening as she stared at me.I subconsciously thought it was an illusion, because Jiayin had already said that she would never come again, so she couldn't be here.

I'm laughing at how delusional I am, I miss her so much that I'm delusional enough to imagine her here.

"Ah, good news...you are here."

As he spoke, he pulled out the needle in his hand.I wanted to cause a little pain to wake myself up from this ridiculous daydream.

"No! Stop it, what are you doing...!?"

The phantom didn't disappear, but rushed to me, screamed and pressed my hand hard.

I can feel the pain, and I can feel the blood coming out of the place where the needle was pulled out.However, the phantom was still right in front of my eyes. She was flustered, crying, and questioning me.

"Why!...Why do you want to hurt yourself!? What the hell are you trying to do...!"

This is good news, this is not a phantom, this is the man I've been missing for so long.

"Do you want to die? Wash off all the medicine, since when did you start doing this kind of thing? Why do you do this kind of thing... Do you know how hard your parents work every day! They are all for you! They sent me away for you, threw me away, everything is for you to live... But you actually do this kind of thing! Do you want to die! Why do you want to die...!"

My good news, my only good news.

I slowly took her face with my hands, her face was wet, I couldn't tell if there were tears there or blood from my hands.

"Good news..." I said to her, "Don't cry..."

But she was still crying, and crying more and more.She kept asking me why I did this. Her voice was mixed with the rushing water from the faucet behind her. The water overflowing from the bathtub flowed all over the floor, wetting me and her who were sitting on the ground.

Did Jiayin ever cry for me?No, only when Miyake died, she cried for a long, long time.I'm jealous of Miyake because I'm not sure if Kaon will be as sad when I die as she is when she dies.

"...Will my death make you more sad than Miyake's death...?"

Jiayin's cheeks were stained with red blood, and the tears overflowing from her eyes flowed into my palm, which was wet, sticky, and warm.This is the temperature of Jiayin, I thought to myself, the temperature of the person I most want to protect is like this.

"You must be hating me for being so despicable..."

I want to protect you so much, I like you so much, any physical pain is nothing compared to losing you.But liking is a kind of injury instead. I like you and want to protect you desperately, but in the end it can only make you cry.

"I, who would put those feelings on you, can't be forgiven..."

My favorite good news is pure white.Just like the white and flawless walls of the hospital, but facing that wall, I was covered in filth.

Compared with Jiayin, everything seems insignificant, even myself.I, who can do nothing, can do nothing, when I see that white wall that cannot be crossed, what I want to do is to throw a piece of mud over it.

"If you are as filthy as I am, if we fall together...if I defile you, don't you belong to me?..."

For myself who had this thought, I couldn't help but tremble with fear.

Why is this happening?

Just holding hands, hugging, and kissing once is not forgiven.I don't even dare to expect this, I'm only satisfied with the illusion that she is still by my side, as long as she is still there, as long as she doesn't leave me, as long as I can see myself reflected in her eyes, I will With the hope of living.

"Hey, look at my face well, you want me to die, don't you...?"

She looked at me, and I longed for her to look at me like this countless times, as if the whole world disappeared and all she could see was me.

"Stop saying such weird things..."

However, her eyes projected a sadness that I could barely bear.

"Stop talking! Jingshi...!"

"...what if I say no?"

I put my hand on her face covered with blood and tears.Her shoulders shook violently and she couldn't cry.

"I want to live, I want to live so much...but you..." She cried and shook her head, "I can be a wife, I can be a mother...I can live like a normal person...but I couldn't do this without you..."

I felt miserable, and a tearing pain came to my heart.

What did I hear?Is this the truth I want to hear?Shouldn't I be happy about it?Someone wants me to live, the person I cherish the most in this world wants me to live, I should live for her, but I can't do this alone.

Yes, I can't do anything for her.

I want to protect her, I want to accompany her, I want to live with her for a long time, until my hair turns gray, until the end of the world... The fact is, I don't even have the strength to hug her tightly with these hands.

"Please, don't cry...don't make me feel worthless..."

I gently stroked Jiayin's hair, touched her face, and wiped away the tears on it.It made me realize once again, tragically, that this is all I can do for her.I can't bring her any material happiness, I don't have the ability to change the laws of this world, I can't even do even one simple thing that ordinary people can do.I am so small, as small as a speck of dust.

"Don't do that again... Promise me, don't do that again..."

Jiayin covered the back of my hand with her hand, and pressed my hand tightly to her face.

Soaking in the water all over the bathroom, we cuddled together as we had been before birth, warming each other like two fetuses surrounded by amniotic fluid.

The invisible barrier disappeared, and for the first time in our lives, we were finally able to disregard the agreement and etiquette, and weep happily in front of each other, wantonly venting the weakness and pain in our hearts.

The laughter is gone, the crying is also gone, everything is going away, leaving only the quiet sound of water.We returned to the original point, and in this dim bathroom, like a mother's warm womb, we had our first dream.

Surrounded by amniotic fluid, two unformed babies are groping and carefully holding each other at the place that looks like a palm.