[Net King] Take away my heart

in the jungle and desert

on nests and bushes

on echoes of my childhood

i write your name

— Paule Luard

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"Oh, this is terrible, Yukimura-kun has gained a kilogram!"

I stood on the scale, looking down at my new weight record.The nurse on the side uttered a gratified cry and applauded me as if I had won a lottery.

Due to the deterioration of my condition, I often lost my appetite. Needless to say, three meals a day, even a piece of bread was hard to finish, so my weight plummeted after being admitted to the hospital.Doctors and nurses were very worried about my condition. They said that medicine could never replace the nutrition of food, and they told me that only by eating well can I maintain my strength to fight this disease.

To be honest, I've been planning to kill myself for a while, so I don't think it doesn't matter if I eat or not.But recently, I changed my normal routine. Not only did I eat all three meals brought by the nurse, but I also tried to get off the ground and move my body from time to time.Even though my appetite didn't come back that quickly, I pushed myself to eat as much as I could, eat hard, sleep hard, and pull myself together, and my efforts paid off quickly.

I gained one kilogram, which is much lighter than when I was first admitted to the hospital, but it was already a remarkable achievement for me who was once seriously ill.

Who is terminally ill and puts on weight at a time like this?Although the doctors and nurses were happy, they didn't understand why.Because I still have an important plan that I haven't put into action.

"My sister will come more often in the future, as long as you come frequently, my brother will be very good at eating." The nurse smiled and said to Jiayin who was standing beside him, "Looking at his radiant face now, maybe he will be fine if he continues like this. "

Her unintentional joke made Jiayin stunned.Jiayin looked at me, and I looked at her, and I smiled at her, which made her look even more confused.

When the nurse came to the ward to give me the injection as usual, Jiayin often lowered her head, and I found that she didn't seem to like watching me being stuck with the needle.Unlike those children in the children's ward, the nurses never tried to say a few words of comfort when giving me the injection, and after a long time, they seemed to think that I had fully adapted to this level of pain, so they even started to be a little gentle Some benefits are also not available.

"Yukimura-kun, there is a smell on my body." The nurse casually leaned closer to smell me while injecting me.

"Speaking so relentlessly in the presence of other people...would bother me." I couldn't help but smile wryly.

Admittedly, I haven't showered in a long time.Of course it's not because I'm too lazy to take a bath, but because as a seriously ill person, I can't easily decide whether to take a bath or not.There were wounds all over my body from the injections. If I just ran into the bathroom and took a shower without thinking, these wounds could easily cause infection, and the consequences would be far more serious than imagined.

Therefore, my hygiene problems are usually controlled by the nurses. When they smell and feel that it is not enough, they will suggest that they should help me take a bath.

The so-called "bath" is actually nothing more than wiping the body with a towel.In order to avoid wound infection, I can't directly pour water, and I must be in a clean and safe environment to clean my body.It sounds a bit miserable, because I don't even have the right to take a shower, but there is really no way.

"How is it? Let me wipe it for you later?" the nurse asked.

"Can someone else help me?"

The nurse tilted her head, showing a puzzled expression.

"Is Yukimura-kun shy? Anyway, it's not the first time, and besides, it's always a female nurse. Doesn't it make the same difference?"

"No... I want Jiayin to help me."

Jiayin, who was originally sitting on the side with her head bowed, immediately raised her face in surprise after hearing this sentence.

"It's better to ask the family to help than to bother the nurses." I think I have a very good reason, "Jiayin is here, let her help me."

The nurse glanced back at Jiayin who was at a loss.

"Yukimura-kun has grown up too..." She smiled deliberately, "You know how to manipulate young girls."

Jiayin, who was behind the nurse, blushed. She hurriedly wanted to explain something, but before she could say anything, the nurse had already finished the injection, said "I'll get the toiletries" and left the ward.

"I...I...that..."

Jiayin didn't have time to explain.The words got stuck in her mouth but she couldn't get them out, which made her look very embarrassed.

"Can you help me? I can't wash it by myself." I said in a comforting tone, "It's okay, just wipe my back."

As if deciding on a very difficult matter, she pursed her lips and refused to answer.

The nurse came back quickly with the toiletries. She closed the curtains in the ward and explained a few words to Jiayin, telling her how to use the towels. "This is what a younger sister should do, right? Nowadays, there are not many children like you who take care of your brother with all their heart, and we all see it." Before leaving, she patted Jiayin on the back, It seems to affirm and encourage her.This seemed to relieve Jiayin a lot of embarrassment, and her expression was a little more relaxed than before.

What happened in the bathroom before could not be hidden from the eyes of the nurses. I flooded half of the bathroom and the ward, so no matter what, I did not escape the harsh lectures from the nurses.But fortunately, Jiayin did not tell the truth about that day. She told the nurses that we had a quarrel, and some physical conflicts led to the subsequent situation.She helped me dry off the blood, surreptitiously washed the towels off, drained the tub, and made the mess less messy before reporting the incident to the nurse.

Without a doubt, I am grateful for all that she has done.Good news didn't tell the nurse or my parents about me flushing out the pills.Because she was worried that I would not take the medicine well, she began to report to the hospital as frequently as before, supervising me to receive treatment every day as much as possible.

Her worries were unnecessary because I had already decided to behave.Whether it's for repaying her, or for that plan, I must get better as soon as possible.But I am still happy to be supervised by her, because only with her around, I can get more motivation to recover and carry out the upcoming plan.

"Then I'm sorry."

With my back to Jiayin, I took off my shirt.In fact, it was just a hospital gown that was so thin that it was almost weightless.I folded the hospital gown and put it aside, put a towel into the basin filled with water, took it out after it was soaked and wrung it dry, and then wiped the place on my chest that I could reach.

After a short while, I finished what I could do.I turned around, and Jiayin lowered her head as quickly as every injection, and I smiled and handed her the towel.

"I'll leave it to you next."

I sat on the hospital bed, crossed my legs, and waited quietly for the soft touch of the towel from behind.

The ward was a bit dark after the curtains were drawn, but this level of light just made people feel at ease.Jiayin hesitated for a long time, and then she faintly heard the sound of her wringing out the towel, approaching the hospital bed, and pressing her knees against the edge of the bed.

For the next long time, all that could be heard was a quiet breathing sound.I turned my back to Jiayin, and although I couldn't see her, I could feel her kneeling and sitting behind me.Her movements were very careful, unlike the nurses who were used to carelessness, she carefully avoided the wound, held the towel with both hands, and wiped it cautiously with extremely small force.

Because the movements were too light, Jiayin felt like she was scratching her back when she wiped her back, which made me want to laugh so much that I had to cover my mouth with my hands.Of course, apart from the itching, I wanted to laugh because the atmosphere was so quiet that I didn't say a word, it was too weird.

I tried to say something to distract the good news, it was a really happy moment for me, so I wanted to lighten the mood.But no matter what I said, Jiayin always maintained a very nervous and blunt posture.

"When I was very young, nurses often helped me take a bath. Because I was a child and a boy, I felt that it didn't matter if I was seen by strangers. But the more I grew up, the more I felt that it was a bit strange, but it was not shy. What, it's just that the nurses are always giggling when they see me take off my clothes. It's really weird."

"...Why are you laughing?"

"Why, I don't know too well. The nurses who helped me bathe often commented that I have fair skin and look like a girl. It sounds like they are praising you, but it still feels a bit like being talked about." …The nurses here are all very kind to me, they seem to like me very much … Of course this is a good thing, but I always feel that I have been taken advantage of unintentionally.”

Jiayin didn't speak.

"I think, rather than being watched by strangers, it feels better to be watched by people in my own family." I laughed at myself, "However, with my current appearance, it probably doesn't make much sense."

Jiayin still didn't speak.

The silence lasted for a while, and I couldn't find a better topic.

"Why didn't you talk?" I asked softly.

The towel in Jiayin's hand was like a map being drawn, moving slowly and wandering.

"I'm counting your freckles," she replied.

"I have freckles on my back?" I was a little surprised.

"Yes," she said, "don't you know?"

"Of course I don't know." I laughed, "because I can't see what my back looks like."

"...here is one, and here is one...two...three...four..."

Good News started counting freckles on my back.

"How many in total?"

"Five...six...seven...eight..."

It sounds like a lot.Every time a freckle is counted, the towel in Jiayin's hand will tap there lightly, which is more itchy than when she wipes her back.

"Wait, it's so itchy." I couldn't help moving my body, wanting to turn my head to see what she was doing.

"No, don't look back."

I had just turned my head a little before I was stopped by Jiayin's voice.

"What's the matter?" I turned my head back again, and then I realized that only when the two of us are alone like this, can I have a chance to tease Jiayin, "You are blushing, so you don't want me to see it?"

She didn't answer, but I felt a snort like a laugh behind me.

The atmosphere became more relaxed than before.

I am a little cold, and I have a faint feeling of wanting to sneeze.But I think I can hold on for a while, after all, such an opportunity is very rare.Not so long ago, I never thought that Jiayin and I could be together like this, asking Jiayin to give me a shower might just be a foolish idea, I didn't even think it would come true, but she is right behind me right now .

I could feel the direction of her hand moving slowly, and the warm feeling also spread through the back, the chest, and the whole body.

"Jiayin, aren't you afraid?... I look like this."

Regrettably, what I can let her see is not my healthy and perfect appearance, but my sickly and battered appearance.I'm a lot thinner than before, and my collarbone and ribs are obviously prominent, and the outside is just wrapped with a layer of skin.My arms were so weak that I had trouble pushing a chair, I was no longer an athletic player on the court, I was just a patient in need of care.

This made me a little worried and a little discouraged.

"I think you are beautiful...better than many people." Jiayin said in a low voice.

Her voice was a little slurred, she's used to speaking in a very small voice, but I heard her.

"I feel the same way about Jiayin." I couldn't help raising the corners of my lips, "So, we still look alike?"

"Not like." She seemed to be laughing too.

Once upon a time, I hated being recognized at a glance that Jiayin and I were siblings.They don't look alike, they don't look like twins, which sounds like a relief.But it’s not anymore, I don’t know when it started, when we are said to be alike, I will feel a little happy, because it is a kind of pride for me.

"The nurse here said that I am actually a very cold person." I suddenly recalled what they said, "They said that I looked polite on the surface, but I didn't take anyone seriously. Do you think I am Is that so?"

"I do not know either."

"They also said that they thought I was a cold person, but when it's just me and you, the atmosphere is completely different."

The movements of Jiayin's hands were slightly slowed down.

"As long as I'm with you... there seems to be a lot to talk about. Or, even if I don't say anything, I'm happy."

I started saying things that even I couldn't figure out.My words made Jiayin silent again.

"I have a weight gain plan." I shifted the conversation to that important plan.

"Gain weight?"

"Yes, I will continue to gain weight, at least another five kilograms, and return to the same weight as when I was admitted to the hospital."

"……That's fine."

"I will try to eat as much as possible, and I will take good medicine. In short, I will actively cooperate with the treatment... When the situation improves, I will apply to the doctor for temporary discharge."

As surprised, Jiayin stopped again.

"Discharged? Why?"

"You forgot, our birthday is coming soon." I said out the plan that had been brewing in my heart for a long time, "We have never had a birthday together, have we? Even if it is just this time, at least we will have a birthday together Bar."

"Things like birthdays...even in the hospital..."

"No, it can't be a hospital." This time I said very firmly, "You must get out of here, otherwise it will be meaningless."

The touch of the towel disappeared from his back, and the hospital bed made a "squeak".

"It's finished." Jiayin said.

I turned around and saw Jiayin packing up the basin and towels.I had no choice but to put on the hospital gown again, and Jiayin opened the curtains with a bang, and the ward was bright again.

I raised my arm and smelled it, but all I could smell was the disinfectant on the hospital gown.Because I was not sure, I asked Jiayin to come over and smell it.

"How is it? Does it still smell?"

She came closer to me and sniffed the tip of her nose near my shoulder.I looked down, the top of her head was just around my chin, and I could easily catch the smell of Jiayin's shampooed hair.It was a sweet smell.

"No smell." She said with certainty, and then the tip of her nose left my shoulder, and the moment she raised her face, she happened to meet my gaze.

Eyes met, and a moment of silence passed.

"Can I still ask you in the future?" I smiled.Jiayin then dodged away as if struck by lightning, and she turned her head away in a panic, unwilling to look at me again.

She turned her back and continued to pack the toiletries, but her back seemed to be in a hurry.I suddenly felt that I had frightened her a little bit, so I apologized.

"Sorry, I'm too self-assertive. About the birthday... please don't be angry, I just want to have a birthday with you, that's all."

"I'm not angry." After a pause, she repeated, "I'm not angry. If you can recover... I will be very happy, and my parents will be very happy. If I can do something that is good for your recovery, I will And happy to do it too...it's not anger."

Jiayin just seemed at a loss.She just hasn't adjusted to our sudden closeness.

How do we locate our current distance?That's not something I need to think about.I feel grateful, a feeling I haven't had in a long, long time.I'm grateful that I at least have the time in hand, that even after all the misfortunes, the most important person came back to me.With that gratitude comes new hope, small but peaceful.

Looking at the back of Jiayin taking care of everything, I seem to think of the feeling of being full when my father comes home from get off work every day and walks to the kitchen door to see my mother working hard to cook dinner.

The tense mood slowly unraveled, I wanted to talk to her more, I wanted to spend more time with her, I wanted to know all the things about her that I didn’t know, and I wanted to share all the past ten years. The blanks are all filled...more determined than ever.

Beneath my frail body, all I could feel was a beating heart.