[Net King] Take away my heart

in my ruined shelter

on my crumbling lighthouse

on the wall of my troubles

i write your name

— Paule Luard

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"Nio and Yagyu's new tactics have been planned. Although Chiya's performance is not stable, he should improve after more practice. According to Liu's data, we can see the probability of winning this preliminaries..."

"Sanada, haven't you already said, don't talk to me about tennis anymore."

In exchange for my hollow and numb voice, Sanada was silent for a long time in front of the hospital bed.

How many days have passed since the relapse and re-admission, I don't even have the energy to count or recall.Not only the mind, but also the whole body is empty. I only know that the dosage of the medicine is increasing every day, and the doctor's serious eyebrows have never been relaxed.In addition, Sanada would come to the hospital in the evening every day, report to me the practice situation and summary of the day with the department's activity log, and also bring me a copy of the course notes and study materials.

But it doesn't make any sense.

Playing tennis was out of the question—everyone heard the doctor's verdict clearly, except for Sanada, who kept up the "you'll be fine" scene.Why?The play did not bring me any comfort, it just conveyed a stronger and more desperate message through the healthy Sanada to the sick me: everything is just a dream.

Now, the dream suddenly woke up.What three consecutive championships, what national competitions, what tennis dreams, are all dreams that were out of reach in the past.After the dream is over, I should of course return to this cage waiting to die, because this is where I originally belonged.

I suddenly wanted to laugh, and suddenly wanted to laugh at everything in front of me.But I don't have that kind of mood, and I don't even have that kind of strength. I can only lie sickly on the hospital bed, watching the medicine seep into my body drop by drop, making this broken body more tired, weaker, and weaker. Hair is as weak as an old woman who is dying.

"People like me are causing trouble to others just by being alive. It's better to disappear, isn't it?"

Life has returned to that hateful dullness.Mom and Dad started to worry about higher medical bills again, school was far away from me, friends were far away from me, and all normal life was far away from me again.It was not the physical suffering that disgusted me, but the heaviness of this constant helplessness.

"Yukimura, I won't allow you to be weak. I will never allow you to say any decadent words from your mouth."

Sanada put down the journal in his hand and looked at me steadily.

"I wish I could be half as strong as Sanada." I didn't look at him, but looked at the ceiling above my head, "It's really more suitable for you to be the minister..."

"Yukimura!" Sanada shouted excitedly, preventing me from continuing.

Sanada didn't know that he was having a dream himself.This is a dream about me, about being able to win the national championship together with me, achieve the three consecutive championships in Lihai together, and graduate from the junior high school together.He didn't want to wake up from this dream, he didn't want to believe the fact that I was going to die, he made up a beautiful continuation for himself, he thought Lihai would win even if I missed the Kanto finals, and waited until my body gradually recovered , we can also lead the team to set off for the national competition until the moment when they finally reach the podium.

Why is everyone dreaming?Mochizuki didn't want to wake up, Sanada didn't want to wake up, neither did Mom and Dad, I was the only one who was awake.

They're trying to force me into daydreams that I can no longer fulfill.

"You are not the Yukimura I know. The Yukimura I know has fought against the disease for 14 years, and he has never given up."

"Yeah... 14 years."

14 years is long enough.So long that I can no longer look back at every detail of the past one by one.

"Sanada, I'm tired." I said slowly, "I'm really tired."

"As a man, don't you feel ashamed to say such depressing words?" Sanada's tone was more angry than before, "What do you think of us and the tennis club? Do you think you are the only one suffering? Everyone I am waiting for you to go back, and I want to complete the dream of the national three consecutive championships with you!"

"I'm sorry, Sanada, I can't do it anymore."

"...!"

I can imagine Sanada's expression at this moment.

He rushed over, grabbed my collar, raised his hard fist and hit me hard on the right side of the face.Of course I was the one who felt the pain, but Sanada who hit me showed a more painful expression than me.

I don't like tears.

I rarely cry, or never cry.I don't cry not because I don't want to cry, but because I hate crying.Not crying is the dignity of a man, not crying is a necessary reason, not crying is a sign of maturity.

Sanada is very similar to me in this respect, he is also a person who never cries.I've always thought he was strong, and would never kneel to anyone for mercy, even if he was cornered in the cruelest fashion.Sometimes I think, if Sanada becomes me, he will definitely not accept everything like me. Even if he can’t walk with his feet and hold a racket with his hands, he will crawl to his most loyal court, and then Roar said that he would rather die in the game than die in the hospital bed.

I want to win, I really want to win, I really want to win with Sanada.But we who have lost the function of crying are more pathetic than those who can cry wantonly, but we can only express our unspeakable pain in this way.

Sanada's hand that hit me was shaking. This was the first and maybe the last time he would hit me.Thinking of this, I couldn't help closing my eyes and clenching my teeth.

"stop!"

At this moment, Jiayin opened the door and ran in.

I don't know how long she stood there in the doorway, whether she heard the entire conversation from the beginning, or only heard it when Sanada beat me up.She hastily pulled Sanada away from my hospital bed, opened her arms to protect me with her body, just like I used to stand in front of her to protect him and her when I was a child.

"You can't hit him...!" Her voice was weakly crying, "Please get out of here... immediately!"

Sanada stared at her with both surprise and incomprehensible pain in his eyes.

As he was about to leave the ward, he gave me one last look.That may be the first time I saw something that was not strong in Sanada's eyes.

"What exactly are you living for... think about it carefully."

The door of the ward was opened and closed again.Until the breath of Sanada who left those words has disappeared for a long time, Jiayin still maintains the posture of opening her arms to protect me, her shoulders shaking slightly.

"It's all right," I told her, "it's all right... good news."

Only then did she put down her arms, and turned around to look at me blankly.I looked at her too, and tried to give her a pale smile—although that smile was probably uglier than crying.

After that, Sanada, and no one else from the tennis club was seen at the hospital anymore.Instead, Jiayin came to give me notes and study materials every day. Because my parents were busy raising medical expenses, she gradually became the person who came to the ward to take care of me most often.

I've pushed all my former friends out of my life, and now whenever I hear the door of a hospital room being opened, I know it's good news.

Unlike Sanada, she always seldom speaks, and doesn't mention much about school affairs.She will tell me little by little what she has learned today, and then bluntly convey the greetings from her classmates to me.

"These... are letters."

In addition to a pile of learning materials, there are often greeting letters from girls.Girls seem to prefer writing letters rather than visiting me in the hospital.Every time these letters are handed over to me, Jiayin will explain that "I was asked by everyone".She handed these letters to me intact, but she never took a second look at them herself.

"Thank you, good news." I would say this to her every time I received the letter.

Jiayin never buys me any presents, and never deliberately says something to comfort me. I know she doesn't want to do something, but she doesn't know how to do it.She was still cautious, dazed and restless, like a messenger who came to the hospital to report every day, she could only helplessly fulfill her responsibilities and obligations.

But for me it's enough.

I am no longer the daydreaming me, I am far away from everyone, and let everyone away from me, and now only my parents and good news are left by my side.I'm selfish, because I don't want to see my parents' prematurely gray hair, I don't want to see them haggard and sad because of me, it will make me even heavier.Only when I see good news can I get temporary relief, because she has been silent all the time, not changing for my change, not trying to create more unnecessary and illusory dreams for me.

It is enough to see good news every day.

I lay straight on the hospital bed, and most of the time, my whole body was connected to various instruments, and the only thing that could move up and down was my neck.When I was in a bad state, I could barely turn my neck and eyeballs, trying to track down the figure of Jiayin in the ward.

As long as I can still see her.

I was very worried that one day I would not even be able to do this, so I desperately fixed my eyes on her, watching her walk, watch her talk, watch her breathe, watch her every move, even if her eyelashes are on the same side. Momentary ups and downs are all factors of relief for me.

Except for writing letters to each other when I was a child, Jiayin has never insisted on a thing about me like this.Medication often makes me dizzy, and I always think of her who has grown up as the good news when I was a child, the little sister who talked to me and said that she likes me the most.

Then, the illusion occurs.I feel like we're back to that time again, when Jiayin came to see me in the hospital every day, and I became a daily part of her life. Out of sight, I became a constant part of her life, I would not be forgotten by her, not abandoned by her, which is what I had been begging for.

Yes, as long as it is like this, as long as Jiayin comes to see me every day.

As long as she doesn't disappear from my eyes, I have a reason to live, even in this lingering posture.

But when I woke up, I found that I seemed to be using my dying body to win her care and care—no, not to win, but to persecute.I am forcing Jiayin to travel between the hospital and school every day to take care of her poor brother who is dying of illness.

Is good news voluntary?Is she willing to do all this?Does she feel happy taking care of me?No, I know she doesn't.

The smile on her still green face had long since disappeared.

do you hate me?Do you hate it all?Do you want to run away from me, from this suffocating place?I will never open my mouth to ask her these, because the answer is clearly printed in my heart.And I just bury it by lying to myself.

I suddenly realized that I was so miserable that I wanted to use the excuse of being sick to force Jiayin to face myself, and even I could only use this reason to keep her by my side.It's ridiculous, I think I'm extraordinarily ridiculous.But what can I do?I can't lose her, I can't lose this only remaining existence, if I lose Jiayin, I can't imagine what I will become.

Just like this, I would say to myself in the dead of night, just keep it like this, don't let her leave you, let her stay even if you use dirty and despicable means... because I have nothing more to lose up.

It's not only my body that is being swallowed up by darkness day by day, but also my heart.

I try my best to smile at Jiayin who takes care of me. I don’t want her to see the shadow of death in me at any time. I hope that I am still a gentle brother in her eyes, not a helpless and desperate patient. .I worked hard, trying to create the illusion of family affection that would burst immediately like a soap bubble, but the day when the bubble burst came after all.

It was just an ordinary day. Jiayin came to see me in the hospital as usual, and handed me review materials one by one, as well as letters from those girls.

"Jiayin, remember to thank them for me." Just after I finished saying this, Jiayin's expression changed suddenly.

—I won't come to see you again.

After a long silence, she said.

I thought I had heard it wrong, or I hoped I had, but neither.I know exactly what she said, and I can even feel that she has reached the breaking point at this moment.I should have given up right here, I'm used to accepting my fate, but I can't, I can't, I can't just forgive her and let her go.

Right here, in this dark ward, Jiayin and I had the first dispute in our lives.

"Hey... Jiayin, I've been... keeping that promise well? Until this moment..."

A sense of despair overwhelmed the body and mind.

Marui Bunta, just saying these words from his mouth makes people feel suffocated.I know, how could I not know?I was always looking at her, I was always looking at her alone, but in her eyes I saw the existence called Marui.

This is betrayal, this is hurt, I just don't want to admit it and don't want to mention it, because I am afraid that once I touch the edge, the world that belongs to me and her will collapse in an instant.

"The first person to break the agreement...is obviously you."

She lowered her head, suppressing her sobs.

I heard some words about Mochizuki, about poetry collections, about that little pendant.Everything sounds very far away, so far away that it seems like a world away.But just as Marui is to me, Mochizuki is also a triggering weakness to Jiayin.

What does their presence mean?They are nothing, and were nothing in the first place.But why do these two names cause us such pain and concern, and even make that important agreement vulnerable?

Because we can't face the truth.

Both Jiayin and I are bound by heavy shackles. We know that these shackles will never be untied, and their appearance is just to add a few more scars to our struggle, so as to remind us not to try to escape again.Whether they appear or not, the result is the same. Everything in the world is warning us to obey reality and give up struggling.

The promise is the shackles, and we who make the promise are the ones who put the shackles on ourselves.

——Why do you live, think about it carefully.

What am I living for? ...I don't know, Sanada, I don't know.

We are devastated and exhausted physically and mentally, and any resistance is pointless.Only I, who understood this, closed my eyes again, and when I opened them, her figure had disappeared.

I finally lost my last reason to live.