[Net King] Take away my heart

We actually live in a world that we don't know much about...we've been wandering in a fog.

—Julian Paulassange

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What do people see in the moment before they die?It is said that it is light.

I thought that when one meets death one sees nothing.Because I fell asleep when I was on the verge of life in my childhood.I closed my eyes so I couldn't see anything, I thought that's what it's like when you're near death, it's pitch black and there's nothing.

But I seem to be wrong, in the last fall, it seems to be neither side.

After school, I walked with the members of Lihai.At the end of the cold winter, everyone was wrapped in thick scarves, and when they spoke, they exhaled white mist.Marui and Jack were joking about their favorite junior Akaya again, Nioh was seriously discussing tactics with Yagyu on the court, Sanada and Yanagi were still walking side by side with no smile on their faces.

This familiar scene has been with me for nearly three years, only this day looks extra warm.I rubbed my hands together and put them in the pockets of my uniform.The cold wind blew past, making people's faces prickly and painful, and the wind blinded my eyes. I couldn't help closing my eyes, and then resisted the cold and opened them again.

Strangely, the scene that warmed my heart just now disappeared.No one is smiling, no one is chasing after each other, everyone just bows their heads and walks their own way.Those stern and unfamiliar faces made me think that I was just dreaming.

Maybe I really was just dreaming.

I saw Sanada walking in front of me, half of the scarf around his neck was blown off by the wind, I wanted to remind him to wrap up the scarf, so I reached out and wanted to pat him on the shoulder.

The world suddenly changed, Sanada's back tilted away, and my hands seemed to be unable to reach his shoulders.As if I was shooting a slow-motion movie, my eyesight shook violently.I didn't realize I was falling very quickly because I couldn't hear the sound, but I was still fully aware.I saw the building fall, saw everyone turn over from head to toe, saw their scarves float, and then the frame froze.

I didn't know I was on the ground because I couldn't feel any pain.I seemed to be lying gently on the ground, my vision was still clear, and there was a flash of "what happened" in my mind, but it was quickly forgotten by me.

Sanada is running towards me, Ryu is running towards me, everyone is running towards me.Some of them looked terrified, and some opened their mouths as if they were roaring. I also wanted to say something, but I found that my mouth, my lips, my tongue, any part was out of control, and I couldn’t say anything at all. voice comes.

"Good news..."

In the crowd that is gathering more and more, I want to find my most important person.I want to call her name, but I can't.Because everything was so dramatic, I never knew what was going on, I couldn't hear or make a sound, no one could tell me what was going on, and I couldn't tell anyone what was going on.I just instinctively repeated the name, even though no sound could come out of my mouth.

I saw many feet, many pairs of shoes, boys', girls', teachers', and guards'.Many feet were running back and forth, and I seemed to be able to vaguely see a pair of feet slowly walking towards me among them.The steps of those feet were full of hesitation, uneasiness, deep fear and sadness, but I had an illusion that as long as the owner of those feet came to me, everything would be back to normal.

"Good news..."

I called silently, calling for that person to come to me.I don't need anything, I just want to see her.

However, the frozen sight changed at this moment, I was lifted up, and I saw a stretcher, an ambulance, and a doctor.Those feet disappeared and I was moved into an ambulance.

At one point I thought I was dead, and before I got to the hospital, I had several times in a trance thinking I was dead.

Death is like this, I can see everyone so clearly, but at the same time feel nothing.There is no part of my body that is at my command. I seem to have my eyes open, but I can't even move my eyelids, and I can't even blink.

I only have one "seeing" function left, and I feel like a video camera at the mercy of others, just taking pictures of the world mechanically.If death is like this, then death is not frightening, but rather helpless, because I can't tell Jiayin all this, and I can't say anything to her anymore.

I was sent to the hospital, ah, the same hospital I hated since I was a kid.

The ceiling moved quickly above my eyes, and I knew I was being pushed into the operating room, but there was no need for that, because I was already dead, and it would be more efficient to push me directly to the morgue.But they didn't stop to save me. The lights on the ceiling were so bright that I almost cried——

Wait, cry...

My eyelids trembled, and it seemed that I had regained the ability to blink. I tried to move my eyelids... Two lines of tears flowed out of my eyes.

I didn't mean to cry, just because I didn't blink for too long.The doctor noticed my tears and he put a large hand over my eyes and slowly pressed down.My eyes were pressed by hands, and the eyelids were closed and getting heavier.There is a deep countdown sound in my ear, ten, nine, eight, seven... I fell into darkness again, just like when I was a child.

Death doesn't scare me. What scares me is being in a dark, cold, selfless world.

I wandered on the fringes of consciousness, groping in the darkness where I couldn't reach my fingers, and I had never wanted to see her again so strongly as at this moment.Her voice, her temperature, her eyes and her smile, her disappearance is equivalent to the disappearance of myself. If I lose all these, it means the real death.

I was afraid, afraid of being trapped in the darkness, like drowning, no matter how hard I struggled, I couldn't find her trace.If death could bring her to me at last, if death could allow me to touch her heart again, then death would be a happier thing than life.

"Good news..."

I can't see the light, and I don't want to go back into the darkness.In a world of nothingness, only the voice calling to her is real, and it never stops.

During the first few days, everyone would congratulate me with a forced smile.

Congratulations, you have passed another level. The god of death may really want to take you away, but you have escaped from it again and again, which proves that it cannot defeat you, so it will never take you away... this time A relapse is nothing more than a replay of admission and discharge, and you're bound to be fine.

—You will be fine.

The people who said those words disappeared one by one.

During the first period of time, people came to visit me one after another.People from the Tennis Department, Art Department, and Student Union came. Everyone brought flowers and cards, blessings and comforting words, and promised to come to see me again next time.

Not many do what they promise.The flowers are gradually withering, the cards are gradually turning yellow, and everyone's barely supported smiling faces are gradually breaking down.Everyone knew that my condition was beyond repair, that instead of getting better, it would only eat more and more of me physically and mentally as time went on.

If someone came to the ward, sat by my hospital bed and said to me that he would never give up on me, and I thanked and smiled back, it was just a handy play, and this play is played every day. Between me and my parents.

There is one sadder thing in this world than being terminally ill, and that is watching one's own child die of terminally ill.

My parents will never give up on me, so they are willing to deceive themselves and repeat the comforting and comforting scene with me every day.But not everyone is willing to pay such patience and risk being infected by the breath of death to visit a person who has no blood relationship or interest with them.

So it really was just a replay of my childhood, flowers gone, cards gone, fake smiles turned into heavy sighs, friends one by one, less and less visits until I was forgotten by all .

The only difference is that no one dared to say in person that the ending this time would be different from the last time. They would rather act, they would rather be silent, and they would rather leave, as if this would make me feel better.

Sometimes I find it funny, and sometimes I feel that there is no need to feel funny, because I seem to have expected early on that death will not give up its entanglement easily-I want to do everything I want to do while I can still do it. Finished, in this short period of less than three years, I did a lot of things, I studied, I painted, I had friends, I joined the tennis club, and won two glorious victories with everyone ——However, the cruelty of fate is that it will never announce to take back everything when you feel that your wish has been fulfilled and you have no regrets.

We are about to graduate from the third grade together, and Lihai is still one step away from his dream of winning the three consecutive championships.At this time, fate stood up and announced that no matter what you once owned or what you may have in the future, I will take them all back.

I accepted.Because this is my destiny.

Mochizuki came to the hospital to see me once, that was the eve of her preparation to study abroad.

The weather was very cold, and Mochizuki walked in wearing a mask and a heavy coat.Her hair was longer than before, but perhaps because it covered her face and her clothes were too thick, her body lacked the lightness and vitality of the past.

I was reading the book of poetry she had given me when she came in.Mochizuki noticed the poetry collection in my hand, she was slightly taken aback, but said nothing.

We chatted about our current situation, most of the time we focused on her recent situation, because my life is so boring that only the word hospital is enough to sum it up.Mochizuki is going to the United States to study, I think it is a suitable place for her, I said I am happy for her, but she didn't say a word about it.

Mochizuki is not as talkative as before. Maybe it's because we haven't seen each other for a while, maybe it's because the cramped chairs and the smell of disinfectant in the ward make her feel uncomfortable. On topic.

"I feel so mean."

After a silent silence, she suddenly said this.

"I heard about your illness and wanted to come to see you...but I hesitated for a long time. I don't know what to say to you. I think you may not want to hear about my study abroad. .”

"It's okay, Mochizuki has her own things to do."

She shook her head, frowning.

"You are sick, you are trapped here and cannot go out, but I want to leave you here and run abroad by myself..."

"It's okay, I understand."

"No, you don't understand."

Mochizuki's eyes turned red, and her voice was a little hoarse.

"I'm afraid to come and see you, you know? I'm afraid... When I hear the news that you're sick, my first reaction is to be afraid, because they say you might...may not get better again."

I tried to comfort Mochizuki, even tried to lie and tell her it wasn't like that, but I couldn't.

"Jingshi, it shouldn't be like this, I can't accept this." She cried, "It's not fair, it shouldn't have happened to you."

The way she cried was vaguely similar to that of her mother.

Mochizuki started apologizing to me, saying she shouldn't have lost her composure in front of me, but at the same time she kept crying.I could have walked out of the hospital bed, went to her side and patted her on the shoulder to comfort her, but there are several tubes connected to my body, and I cannot unplug them to move freely.So I can only say to Mochizuki: "Mochizuki, can you come and hold my hand?"

Sniffing, she got up from her chair and walked to my hospital bed.Mochizuki came to my side and saw the back of my hand with a needle inserted and infusion.The liquid is cold, so my hands are cold when they are filled with the liquid.Mochizuki looks very afraid of the cold, because she has not taken off her mask until now when she entered the ward. If possible, I hope that what she holds is a warm hand that can give her strength, but unfortunately, my hand is so cold. Like ice, this makes me feel a little sorry.

Because of crying, Mochizuki's shoulders shook slightly.Her red, swollen eyes were fixed on my hand, and she slowly pulled her hand out of the coat pocket.

I thought that Mochizuki's hand would be warm even if my hand was as cold as ice.But Mochizuki didn't hold my hand immediately, she fell into a kind of struggle, hesitating, timid, and suffering, that hand was always hanging in the air, unable to drop.

Behind the mask came her whimpering cry.

"Sorry...I can't...I...can't..."

Mochizuki failed to hold my hand.At that moment, I finally clearly understood what she was afraid of. She was afraid of me, because I was equivalent to death. To be dragged into hell together.

One fact she doesn't want to admit is that I'm going to die.Her former friend, the me she once loved and touched, will die here.Mochizuki doesn't want to touch me, because she doesn't want to personally confirm the fact that I will die, she doesn't want to face death befalling a person who was once close to her, and she doesn't want to leave the memory of this death on her body, even if A little bit.

Mochizuki left.I haven't seen her since.