[Net King] Take away my heart

It is not our darkness that scares us most, but our light. —Marianne Williamson

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December 12th, Christmas Eve, my birthday.

Atu is always the first person to come to the treatment meeting. He will arrange the chairs for everyone, open the windows to let fresh air circulate, and put some tea sets and fruits on the table for everyone to eat and drink when they rest.

No one in the treatment meeting knew that it was my birthday. According to the plan, I bought a bunch of Christmas presents and prepared to bring them to the treatment meeting to distribute to everyone.I bought a water gun for Atu. It is said that it is the kind of water gun that can create a rainbow for a short time. I don’t know the real effect. I plan to try it with Atu after going to the treatment meeting.

Holding a pile of presents, I came to the door of the therapy meeting, and then stretched out a hand from under the gifts to open the door.

Not locked.This shows that Ah Tu is already inside.

When I opened the door, my view was blocked by holding too many things in my hands.There seemed to be a pool of water stains on the ground. I stepped on it without noticing it, but I almost slipped when I rushed forward.

"Ah... bad."

After finally standing still, some of the gifts in his hands fell off.I was trying to bend down to pick it up, but I was surprised to find that what made me slip under my feet didn't seem to be ordinary water stains.

It was a black puddle that stretched forward, and exuded a strange, foul-smelling liquid.

It was dark inside.The windows were not opened, the chairs were not arranged, and the table was littered with bits of confetti and rubbish from previous parties.

One person was lying in a pool of blood.Right now, right in front of my eyes.

"...Ah... earth...?"

When I subconsciously pronounced that name, all the gift boxes in my hand fell to the ground.

I didn't move forward, I didn't retreat, I didn't shout, I didn't run away, I just stood there, looking at Atu's body with a fruit knife stuck in his neck.

There was no one else in the room, and there was nothing in the room, only Atu who died and me who also died at that moment.

Ah Tu's neck was almost broken in half, and his head hung on one side in a strange way.His hands were still firmly on the handle of the knife, maintaining the posture when he stabbed himself.

I couldn't see Ah Tu's expression clearly, I only knew that he bled a lot, the blood almost covered the whole room, and the stench filled every corner.

There was blood all over Ah Tu's body, blood on his face, blood on his neck, blood on his hands, and blood on his clothes.

There's blood everywhere... Ah Tu's blood is everywhere.

Even my feet are covered with Ah Tu's blood.

——Masaharu, look, there is a rainbow!

I can't see anything.

My sky has no color, white is the origin of everything, and I belong to that origin.

I wish I never came to this world.

I don't exist.

........................

…………

I was still standing there when the police arrived.

Ah Tu is very fat, even if all the blood is gone, he is still very heavy.The police mobilized four or five people and took a lot of effort to carry Ah Tu's body out of the treatment meeting.

When they carried Ah Tu out, they covered him with a red plastic tarp.When the stretcher passed by me, one of Ah Tu's hands came out from under the red tarpaulin, hanging limply on the edge of the stretcher.

For a while, I suddenly wanted to grab that hand, wanted it very much.

The police called me and asked who I was, but I didn't answer.They told me to go away, but I didn't move.

My mother rushed over, she rushed over and hugged me, patted my back and kept saying to me: "It's okay, it's okay, everything will pass."

Many people who came to the treatment meeting after hearing the news cried, but I didn't cry.

That guy Atu was obviously just a fool, but he was so shrewd at this time and chose the fastest and most effective way to commit suicide.

... How much determination and strength did he put in to make himself like this?

Your knife is in the wrong place, I really want to tell him so.That's for cutting fruit, that's for sharing, you've been using that paring knife for all these things, haven't you?

Why are you piercing your own throat with it.

"what……"

I thought that I might not be able to make a sound again, and I felt that the fruit knife was not stuck in Ah Tu's neck, but in my neck.

I opened my mouth and found that I could still make a sound—great, I laughed, but at the next moment when I was about to laugh, I suddenly fell on the ground and vomited violently.

I kept vomiting, vomiting until I felt that my internal organs no longer existed, vomiting until the sky was dark, and vomiting until the liver and gallbladder burst.

I just passed out.

After receiving psychotherapy for about three months, I overheard the reason for Ah Tu's suicide from the population of the therapy meeting.

Ah Tu has always wanted to marry his girlfriend. They handed in their marriage documents early. They originally agreed to hold a ceremony on New Year's Day. Even the hotel has been booked, and the dress invitations have been prepared. They are waiting for the day to announce to everyone. arrival.

When he went to the hospital for a follow-up examination, Ah Tu excitedly told his attending physician the news, but his attending physician said the following to him:

"If both parents carry the albinism gene, then the child born will also be an albinism. For the sake of the child's future, I hope you will carefully consider the marriage issue."

That doctor was just a friendly reminder.He probably would never have expected Ah Tu's reaction after hearing this.

Ah Tu wanted children very much. He yearned to have his own family and a normal life, but he foolishly forgot that he was an albino, his girlfriend was also an albino, and their child would also be an albino.

Ah Tu is an optimistic person. Although his IQ is only at the elementary school level, he always treats everyone around him with heart and soul, encourages them, and tells them that there is hope.

He had been the anchor for everyone in the session.His innocence shines on everyone like a child's innocent smile.

For such A Tu, the dream of having a family and children may be the only reason that supports his cheerful personality.

To have a healthy child, to watch him thrive, to watch his reborn self embrace the light of the sun—that’s just an ordinary little expectation.

The gods have deprived us of the rights we should have. The gods have made us monsters who cannot see the light, but even so we are still trying to survive. No matter how painful and difficult it is, we still never give up the only ray of light in the darkness.

But the gods ruthlessly snuffed out the last remaining glimmer of hope.

Hateful gene.

Hateful life.

Hateful everything.

Ah Tu is dead, but I am alive.

Who is manipulating our destiny?Who is playing us in the applause?What is it that pushes us to the abyss of despair and the situation where we are dying.

Ah Tu's death was in exchange for my recovery.God turned his death into a miracle for me.

I don't want such miracles.

I deserve to die, and everyone deserves to die.From the very beginning, we shouldn't have expectations like Ah Tu. We long for health, we long for the lives of ordinary people, we long for walking under the warm sun, we encourage each other, support each other, and in the eyes of the gods , we are just a group of dispensable defective products struggling in the bottom of hell.

We are not allowed to be happy, we are not allowed to be free, we are born with an inescapable curse.

The miserable wailing and the lingering disgusting smell of blood accompanied me through every night of elementary school.

We've always been just a bunch of monsters that shouldn't exist.

In the first half of the third grade, Akiyama's friend Miyake died suddenly.Just like Atu died for a reason that I think is extremely ridiculous.

Akiyama collapsed, and she, who had always been reticent, cried and yelled at Jack in the corridor, beating him hoarsely.

When I saw her, I suddenly felt as if I saw myself back then.

She is me.

It is the me who is truly alive, the me who can walk under the light, and the me who cannot scream.

It was only when I realized this that I realized that I had been looking for shadows of myself and Atu in everyone these years—until I found her and Liu Sheng.

She is light, Yagyu is light, they are Ado and I in another form.

But what did that light bring me?I asked myself more than once, is it hope, or more despair?

Monsters should stay where monsters should be.

When one day the monster is exposed where it shouldn't be, when the light shines on it, when its ugly form is displayed in front of everyone...

Monsters become real monsters.

The author has something to say:

The passage quoted at the beginning of this chapter is probably one of my favorite quotes among all the quotes~

The cold is still going on. It seems that it will snow again the day after tomorrow. While looking forward to the arrival of spring, I hope that the time will be delayed...

The feeling of graduating soon in March is subtly complicated (laughs)