Two or three things about having a crush on Mr. Dazai

I wake up in an old double-storey attic.

When I woke up, I heard someone shouting:

Mr. Dazai...

Mr. Dazai...

Dazai... sir...

Osamu Dazai.

All the scenes are broken and then reassembled, the colors fade and spread out, and the ever-changing time and space finally freeze into a clear picture.

In the endless chaotic world before I woke up, a voice kept repeating the same syllables in my ears. I couldn't understand what these syllables meant, why they appeared, and who was speaking.

As my consciousness gradually increased, I realized that the person repeating these syllables over and over again was myself; I also discovered that I did not actually make any sound—it only echoed in my heart.

Osamu Dazai.

Mr. Dazai.

What exactly are these syllables?

Why when I think of them, my heart feels faintly hot, and the heavy tenderness and eagerness are far heavier than the weight that the soul itself can carry.

I really want to explore this question.However, I can't see my body, I can't hear my voice, only the ability to think occasionally makes me realize that I am not a mass of air, but a soul.

Yes, I am not awake all the time.Sometimes I fall into chaos, lose the ability of logic and judgment, and can only stay in the air confused and dazed.

At that time, even the air seemed to reject me.Did my birth crowd out the surrounding air?Otherwise, why does it seem to be squeezed and torn.

Every time I lost consciousness, I thought I was going to dissipate.But I will wake up in the end, and wake up in the inexplicable calling of "Mr. Dazai" countless times.

I was in pain and bewildered.

Why on earth did I wake up?And why does it exist?

This world can't even hold me in the air.

Indeed, I am a soul, can go to heaven and earth, and can go anywhere.

But who will tell me why I wake up?

Could it be that the meaning of my existence is to suffer from this endless emptiness and misery?

Why...is it me?

The attic where I wake up is overgrown with grass and deserted.

The room was empty and shabby, and there were signs of fierce fighting.But this has nothing to do with me.

In the brief moments of waking up, I drifted intermittently away from the attic, toward the gathering place.

Looking for an answer.

The liveliness of the crowd made me sick.I subconsciously thought I wasn't the same species as humans - especially when their body parts passed through me again and again.

Their laughter and cursing turned into ear-piercing roars, rushing toward me from all directions, giving the soul an almost suffocating sense of oppression—even though I didn't know if I needed to breathe.

Suddenly, the pain hit again.

The strong tearing sensation of my consciousness being distorted made me want to scream, break down and cry.But I'm just a soul, I can't even squat down to vent like a human being.

"Mr. Dazai..."

Whoever you are, please show up.Otherwise, let me give up and disappear completely.

I already……

Can't stand it anymore.

"Did Mr. Dazai go out?"

"Yes, I went to the street tavern early in the morning."

Finally, while I was awake, I found out about a company called "Armed Detective Agency" with difficulty, and it is said that Mr. Dazai is in it.

After seeing him, the obsession dissipated, so let's leave here and give up this painful struggle.

I said to myself silently.

There should be nothing I can endure...

"Mr. Dazai, Kuni... Kunikida-san is looking for you all over the street!"

The white-haired boy rushed into the tavern panting, as if trying to give an early warning.

However, a yellow-haired man with glasses came in one after another at the entrance of the tavern: "Dazai!! Why come here to drink again! Do you want to drink yourself to death? Even if Qiu is gone, you can't drink without restraint like this! Drink! If something goes wrong, I don't care about you bastard!"

I followed them and my eyes fell on the man.

He is Dazai, they call him "Mr. Dazai".

It was a young man with brown hair and kite eyes, covered in snow-white bandages, as if he had not recovered from his injuries, but with a lazy smile on his face.He was leaning against the wine table with a lazy posture, and he had a very attractive and special temperament around him.

The moment I saw him, my thinking ability and judgment completely stopped. The wandering planets in the whole universe fell together and hit my soul, and my consciousness was blown into a blank.

……

I remember it, I remember it all—

I am Aki Takeshita.

Mr. Dazai is the existence that I want to return to him even if I have been tortured eleven million times in hell.

Osamu Dazai.

Mr. Dazai.

He is my Dazai-san!

At the same time, I saw my own translucent body, when I remembered who I was.

But still, no one could see it except myself.

I spread my palms to look, then covered my face, buried my face in my hands, and sniffed.

Akira Takeshita, how could you forget?

"Autumn?"

The man at the wine table tilted his head and asked a question in doubt.

I thought he was calling me and subconsciously wanted to answer.However, the voice that disappeared into nothingness woke me up, and I also found that Dazai's tone was unusual.

Kunikida Doppo frowned: "What's wrong with Qiu?... You must be so drunk that you don't even know who Qiu is?" He looked out the window, "It's broad daylight now!"

"... Who is Qiu? It seems that there is such a person in my memory. Oh, it's really troublesome that my memory declines as I get older."

Unexpectedly, Dazai's reaction was genuine confusion.He put down the wine bottle in his hand, looked at Atsushi Nakajima, and asked with a smile: "Young Atsushi, can you tell me who is the autumn that Kunikida-kun is talking about?"

...It's me, Dazai-san.

Has he forgotten me?

Facing Dazai's question, Kunikida Doppo and Nakajima Atsushi were stunned.

Kunikida: "What did you say?"

Dazai: "I'm asking Dun-kun, who is Qiu?"

Kunikida was momentarily at a loss for words, and followed Dazai's line of sight to Nakajima Atsushi.

Atsushi Nakajima stammered: "It's your, uh, your... cohabitant! Yes, cohabitant. There are also unfulfilled lovers and mutual pursuits!"

After he finished speaking, he looked at Osamu Dazai nervously and expectantly.

Then Dazai laughed.

"It turned out to be cohabitants. Bringing people home often happens, and it's normal to not remember one or two. As for the suitor..."

Dazai fiddled with his fluffy and slightly curly brown hair with his fingers, not shy at all, generous, and even showing off: "Then there are too many to count!"

I:"……"

Dazai's handsome face was not flushed, and he spoke in an orderly and articulate manner, without looking drunk.

That is to say... he meant what he said.

Kunikida Doppo was furious instantly.

As if he had heard something incredible, he held Dazai's collar and spit wildly: "Are you kidding me, Dazai! What do you mean bringing people home often? How can you take Qiu..."

Nakajima Atsushi was also shocked.

……

Facing this extremely absurd fact, I thought dully for a long time before I realized it.

Dazai said "I can't bear to part with autumn", is it just this kind of reluctance?

I haven't heard him talk about me in such a frivolous tone for a long time, since he admitted me as a future lover.

Dazai's statement was too exaggerated, which made me realize something.

All the memories about him surged up at the same time. In the countless nights when it was just the two of us, the breathing frequency was tacit, and there was no room for a third person to insert.Cohabitation is the life of the two of us, how could he take other people home for the night.

Mr. Dazai, are you lying to Atsushi Kunikitanakajima, or are you lying to yourself?

Dazai spread his hands and shrugged: "Ah, it's a joke. I suddenly wanted to play tricks on Kunikida-kun and Atsu-kun, just to test your reactions. How could I not remember Qiu..."

Before he could finish his sentence, Kunikida Doppo punched him.

Kunikida Doppo came with worry, and left full of anger.

The white-haired boy in the rest of the uniform stood where he was, with pure confusion on his face: "That...is the fact that there are many cohabitants and suitors a joke?"

"Uh, I didn't mean to question you at all, I just..."

"Fake." Dazai shook the bottle, and slowly sat back on his seat, "There is only one."

"Oh……"

There is never only one.

Dazai drove Atsushi Nakajima away.

Dazai didn't actually drink much.He drank that bottle of wine from early morning to high noon, and I sat in the seat opposite him and watched him.

Dazai drank and drank, sometimes suddenly gestured the ceramic cup against the hard table, and then gestured against his own artery.

It made me tremble with fear.

"Mr. Dazai, what do you want to do?"

I can't touch him, even if he wants to commit suicide, I can't stop him, I can only worry secretly.

Dazai has a good popularity. When other drinkers in the tavern call him "Dazai", he will greet them with a smile.

The boss even joked to him: "Mr. Dazai, would you like a bottle of milk to soothe the hangover?"

Dazai smiled and shook his head.

What the boss said surprised me. Dazai also ordered milk at the tavern, so he used to make fun of me.

Dazai suddenly put his hand into the pocket of the beige coat more than once, and took it out after rubbing it for a while.

I wanted to ask him what was in his pocket, but couldn't.

After Dazai drove Kunikida Doppo and Nakajima Atsushi away, no one came to him.

In the afternoon, Dazai stretched his waist and leisurely came to the bustling street to go shopping.

I walked beside him, trying my best to restrain the consciousness that might collapse at any time.

Suddenly, Dazai started to run.I was about to float forward with him, when suddenly I became dizzy, and I could no longer control the world in front of me to become fragmented, and all meanings became abstract.

When I recovered from my broken consciousness, I found myself squatting beside Dazai.

I have only vague memories of what happened and what I did when my consciousness collapsed.

I remembered that my soul and body floated away with Dazai, and when he stopped, I stopped too;

I remembered that Dazai sighed and wanted to hit the wall, but my soul subconsciously blocked between him and the wall—nothing blocked;

Thinking of Dazai squatting down with his head in his arms in a powerless and exhausted posture, when he squatted down, the hem of his long windbreaker was dragged on the ground, stained with dust.

In the flashback, he crouched on the ground and muttered to himself: "Where have you been? Are you hungry in nothingness? Is it cold? Is it fun? Are you coming back? When will you come back?  … ...Qiu, do you think I look like you before?"

My heart suddenly became sore.

I really want to tell him that nothingness is neither hungry nor cold nor fun.

But if I really had the opportunity to tell Dazai, I would probably say, I am doing well here.

Dazai lowered his eyes and smiled again.

When he turned his head, my soul body was squatting beside him indifferently, so his pair of iris eyes full of emotion bumped into my memory.

My whole soul and body shook, and my emotions were complicated.

Dazai squatted here for a long time regardless of the weird eyes of passers-by.

His expression was calm, as if he had acted on a whim, without anyone's consent, nor anyone's sympathy.

Dazai's unbelievable behavior in the eyes of others is nothing to me.

I split my arms on the spot, and the soul body in the void squatted next to him in the same posture as Dazai without any image, and stayed with him for an afternoon.

"Autumn," he said.

"Mr. Dazai, I'm here." I said.

Finally, Dazai's legs went numb, and he sat down on the spot, lay down, and put his hands into the pockets of his coat again.

He was finally willing to take out the things in his pocket this time.

He held that thing directly above his eyes and could see it.

A clip-on silver earring chain with sapphire drop earrings.

"Qiu, when are you coming back?" he said.

I didn't feel any numbness in my legs, but I moved them a bit.He patted the untouchable ground, gestured to brush off the dust, and then lay down beside him.

Looking at his handsome profile, I bent my eyes and said with a smile: "Mr. Dazai, I'm already back."

Thank you for missing me so much.

For the past six months, I have been by Dazai's side, spending time with him during the day and having insomnia at night.

He still hasn't finished drinking the milk I put at home, and he throws away the expired one.

In the past six months, he has blurted out my name countless times, sometimes when he is drinking, sometimes when he is taking a shower, sometimes when he is staring at the earrings and thinking about me grandly, and sometimes when he is bending over to put on his shoes when.

Every time he calls "Qiu", I answer as much as I can.

I said, "Mr. Dazai."

Then Dazai pretended that he didn't call me, and continued with his next thing as if nothing had happened.

Seems like I'm just one of his language geeks.

He misses me so much.So that whenever he shouted "Qiu!" in a certain direction with a rapid tone, I knew he saw me again—the me in his imagination.

Too bad I'm on the opposite side of him.

I could only float right in front of him staring, and replied to him: "Hey, what's the matter, Mr. Dazai."

Then he rubbed his eyes in disappointment and ignored me.

I always spend more time unconscious and less awake.

However, as long as you can see Dazai after waking up, it doesn't matter if you stay in the world and suffer a little bit.

I can't control the emptiness now, and I also don't know how long this status quo can last, so I said goodbye to other acquaintances early.

I cut off part of my time with Dazai, and went to meet people from Buteisha, Nakahara Chuya and Mori Ogai from Hong Kong Black, Oda Sakunosuke by the sea, and Sakaguchi Ango from the Supernatural Secret Service Division. Tetsuya Kuroko and Keiko Kobayakawa in Tokyo even deliberately found Violet on the way to deliver the letter.

After saying goodbye to them, I continued to follow Dazai.After seeing Dazai go through many life-or-death moments without me, I feel more at peace.

No one can't live without others, and Osamu Dazai doesn't have to be Aki Takeshita.He will gradually get used to the days without Zhuxiaqiu, and come out of the longing for Zhuxiaqiu.

Dazai called my name out of thin air less and less nervously, until one day, he didn't call my name for a whole 24 hours.

I am sad and pleased.

Emotionally, how much I hope Dazai will miss me forever, but intellectually, I prefer that he will not be hurt by thinking too much about me.

How happy I will be for his care, and how sad for him.

Because I can't appear in front of him anymore.

From the moment I returned to the state of being unable to touch his soul, I had to accept a cruel fact: the life and death of Dazai Osamu had nothing to do with me.And in the long years of his life to come, he is very likely to gradually forget the days he spent with me, and Akira Takeshita became something that he "can't remember clearly and it's normal".

It doesn't matter, I accept it.

I just look forward to when he can call "Takeshita Autumn".

Call out my full name that he has deliberately avoided for the past six months.In this way, reality will tear up all his fantasies and tell him that I am not there; it will also allow me to leave with peace of mind, because it means that he has completely let go of me.

Today, Dazai said that he would go to the beach to relax.

I knew about the plan last night, he had said to himself in the night.

He came to a place far away from Yokohama, and I lost consciousness twice in the middle of the journey.My condition has stabilized for a long time, and it usually only gets out of control once a few days. This abnormality gave me a premonition that I was going to leave.

Facing a brand new sea, I stood side by side with Dazai with the mood of saying goodbye.

If people from the Butei Club saw it, they might think that Dazai was about to commit suicide by jumping into the sea.Only I know that he really came to relax.See, I still know him best.

I smiled at my own thoughts - I have to have fun for myself in nothingness, otherwise I will be suffocated.

The sea breeze blew slowly, brushing Dazai's brown hair, causing a few strands of hair to brush his unusually handsome eyebrows and eyes.

I can't feel the wind, but I can feel his peace and tenderness at this moment.

The waves rushed from the sky to the beach tirelessly, and I remembered the confession I had made to Dazai—Takeshita Aki loves Dazai Osamu, which is as eternal as the ebb and flow of the sea tide.

I don't know if Dazai will think of this love sentence when he sees the sea in the future, and will he remember that someone loved him like this.

My soul body suddenly trembled, as if being pulled by something, I turned my head to look at Dazai.

He happened to look back, but he didn't see me.

Is it time to go?

I seem to have a feeling.

How lucky in this life to meet Mr. Dazai in this life.

Since we hadn't become lovers, my feelings became more and more surrogate, and I fell in love with him willfully.

To be honest, it doesn't matter what kind of feelings Dazai has for me.I have seen him care about me in the past six months, enough to make me feel relieved of all the sufferings in the past.

This doesn't have to be an answer.

The last wish of my useless soul is not for him to love me, but for him to let go of the love and guilt that has bound him for the rest of his life.

You don't have to fall in love with me, let alone love me for a long time.

Mr. Dazai, your good life is the best commemoration of Qiu.

The wave that made me tremble became more and more intense, I took a step back, reluctantly widening the distance between Dazai and Dazai, lest my disappearance affect him.

In the end, it would be great if I could hear Dazai call my name once before disappearing.

At this time, God seemed to hear my request.

Dazai standing in front of me said, "Akira Takeshita."

"……Um."

Tears nearly welled up in my eyes.

"I miss you so much." Dazai smiled and said frankly, "I'm so sad without you."

Osamu Dazai said, Takeshita Akira, I really miss you.I'm so sad without you.

I listened blankly, tears suddenly fell, and cold tears flowed all over my face.

cold?

I wiped my cheek with the back of my hand.

Unlike any previous non-touch feeling, I touched my face and wet liquid.

At this moment, Dazai turned around.

His eyes met mine, and I saw his pupils dilate in shock.

He saw me.

Just an arm's length away, the young man stared at me intently, without speaking for a long time.

Seeing him like this, I had no choice but to clear my throat—fortunately, I still remembered how to use my vocal cords this time, and asked him as politely as possible:

"Mr. Dazai, can I hug you?"

Even though I tried my best to restrain myself, I still heard my voice trembling slightly.

Only then did Dazai react from his daze, and a smile slowly formed on his lips.

He opened his mouth, as if to say: Qiu.

Before he could speak, I jumped in and hugged my Dazai-san.

Two warm bodies pressed against each other, and when his arms held me tight, I couldn't see clearly, and tears rolled down my eyes.

"... If you lose, you will completely admit defeat."

Dazai's hoarse voice rang in my ears.

"you……"

"Is it a hallucination?"

"No."

"Don't go," he said.

"Not going." I said.

"Call me?"

"Mr. Dazai."

"You can keep me waiting."

"Feel sorry……"

"No, there is no need to apologize." Dazai paused, then kissed the corner of my mouth, and said softly, "I should have said it. I'm sorry for keeping you waiting for too long."

"Be my lover, Cho," he begged.

……

What is there to hesitate about?

If we meet in this world for this question and answer, then my answer must be:

"As you wish, Dazai-san."