Two or three things about having a crush on Mr. Dazai

Dazai and I got on the train back to Yokohama.

I was wearing Dazai's favorite beige long coat, and my body was leaning against him closely.

After the excessive joy of reunion, we interlocked our fingers and stayed quietly for a while.

After finally reuniting with Dazai, some memories inevitably came to my mind, which made me suddenly sentimental.

The coming of sadness is usually not so particular about timing. It will only swarm you when you are sad, and it can knock people down in just a moment.

Regarding the fact that the Armed Detective Agency was going to use the "brain hell" to wake me up, I mostly learned about it in the later state of the soul, and my own memory is only the last few pictures before disappearing.

And those few seconds, I often dare not recall.

It was enough despair to crush me.

Half a year ago, when I found myself attacking Dazai unconsciously, choking him tightly, and unable to control my body, I was in a bad mood.

Dazai's non-resistance and strong desire to die made me flustered; what broke me the most was that he actually carried the ear chain that I thought he had lost long ago.

This man named Osamu Dazai, I have loved him with the strongest and softest heart for many years, I know that he treats me uniquely, maybe he will like me someday in the future, or he already likes me a little bit.

But I couldn't accept that I was so important to him, so important that he would take risks and die in love.

Akira Takeshita, this is not a luxury, not an illusion.

Mr. Dazai is willing to die by your hands. When he died, he was still clutching the accessory you bought to curry favor with him.

Facing you and saying "I will never give up", he certainly didn't seem very moved, nor did he admit his liking for you.

But don't you know how deep Dazai Osamu's thoughts are? He cares about you so much, and he is just afraid that you will find out habitually.

This fact shook me like a thunderbolt through the sky, as never before.

The moment Dazai closed his eyes, my heart was broken, nothing beats this.

I was desperate for Dazai's hidden deep love for me, and I was even more desperate for when the situation reached the point where either he died or I died, and I discovered this.

It took only a few seconds for me to regain consciousness, but it took half a year in my soul state to gradually wear away and absorb the intense emotions, and the regrets also turned into relief.

And when I came back to this world, I still feel terrified when I recall it.

I tightly interlocked the fingers of the young man beside me, and peeked at his bandage-wrapped neck.

How much pain did Dazai have at that time?How heartbroken would it be for me to break my promise to "never hurt him"?

I looked at him, getting more and more depressed.

Dazai noticed my movement, and put his arm around my shoulder: "What's the matter? It's been a long time since I saw you, do you think my face is more perfect?"

"...That's right."

"It's too perfunctory, what is Qiu thinking?"

"Thinking about half a year ago, you are so annoying." I said.

If I had accidentally killed Dazai at that time, I would have fallen into boundless regret when I woke up.

I can't accept that Dazai deliberately tempted me to do something to him.

Dazai was silent for a while, and said, "How much do you remember about what happened half a year ago?"

I turned my face away: "Anyway, I remember what you did."

"..."

"It's disgusting to make me do it to you," I repeated.

I'm not used to speaking rudely to him, but I'm too flustered not to say some things.I had no choice but to deliberately ignore Dazai, feeling a little flustered.

"Ah, Mr. Qiu, who has just been chased by me, is really overwhelming."

The youth's voice smiled, and then I felt a little more weight on my shoulders.The furry brown head rubbed against my cheek: "Hey, if it's Qiu, when I'm unconscious for many days and may die at any time, are you willing to gamble with your life?"

Dazai's words fell into my ears along with the strands of my hair, and I was stunned.

How many days has he been unconscious?May die at any time? ——No, I can't bear to imagine such a scene just by imagining it.Not to mention taking a gamble, even if I want to exchange my life for his, I'm willing.

Dazai's question made me reflect.

Even after half a year, I'm still in the mindset of always forgetting that Osamu Dazai cares about me as much as I care about him.

Dazai: "Pity your mister, I have nowhere to go at that time."

Dazai: "I miss you so much, I miss you so much, you don't even know."

Dazai: "Qiu, if you don't come back, I will be a widow for the rest of my life—"

His tone was light and soft, one sentence after another, and the last "widow" who suddenly became high-spirited and high-pitched shocked me emotionally.

Me: "..." This is all about what.

I whispered: "I know."

Dazai: "Huh?"

"I know you miss me."

Dazai: "Could it be..."

His voice was seven points tentative and three points suspicious.

"I am always here."

"You've been there all along?"

Our voices overlapped, and Dazai understood what I meant.

"Ah, you disappeared for half a year..."

"...It's half a year."

"Look at me in nothing like you used to? Honestly, have you seen all my jokes?"

He quickly accepted, teasing with a smile.

I shook my head.

How could it be a joke.

Dazai: "Have you visited other people?"

I nodded.

"Whoa--tell me, does a gentleman like Kunikida-kun hide a wonderful short video in his laptop? What is the relationship between Tanizaki-kun and Naomi-san in their house? And Mr. Mori--he doesn't Will you be so guilty that you can't sleep? You should pretend to be a ghost to scare him..."

He asked questions like cannonballs, and the chattering words filled my brain. I could only listen to each sentence, and finally shook my head helplessly.

Dazai asked, "How are you doing in nothingness?"

I remembered the tearing pain when my consciousness was deprived from time to time, and I twitched the corners of my mouth: "It's good. I won't be cold or hungry, and I don't need to sleep."

Dazai pinched my cheek: "Oh, it's really hard, I know."

I:"……"

"I'm sorry for you."

He sighed, "It feels sad and painful to watch everyone go through life without being able to show up."

"Especially...by my side."

You must be sad to see me miss you so much and call you out every time.

"is it?"

After finishing speaking, Dazai hugged me tighter from behind, as if he wanted to squeeze me into his flesh and blood body.

I thought it was Dazai's arm shaking me, but later I realized it was my own body shaking.

Because Dazai kept comforting me: "Don't cry, Qiu, don't cry... It's really my autumn, crying is so cute!... Hey, how about this, let's get out of the car and go to the pain Cry as much as you want, you cry like this..."

"I can't take it."

He wiped the tears off my face with his fingers, and said, "The same crybaby as when I was a child."

What, if he wasn't so gentle, I wouldn't have known I was so wronged.

At the next stop, Dazai still led me out of the car, and I squatted on the edge of the platform and wept all day long. No matter how Dazai tried to comfort me, it was useless. Even the flight attendants came over several times to ask if they needed help.

Dazai squatted next to me and said in a low voice: "Qiu, the people around me are looking at me more and more strangely. They seem to think that I bullied you, and someone is going to call the police."

His expression was resentful, I managed to calm down, and seeing the people around me all looked wary of Dazai, I couldn't help crying and laughing.

"Don't do this again next time!"

I stood up and said loudly on purpose.Then he grabbed Dazai by the collar of his shirt, pressed him against the pillar of the platform, and kissed him regardless of people coming and going.

"ah……"

"Oh huh~"

"It turns out that the young couple are having a fight..."

While whispering, Dazai pressed the back of my head cooperatively and deepened the kiss.

Life and death are separated, reunion after a long absence, no amount of intimacy is too much.

There were tears flowing into the mouth before, and the taste of this kiss was astringent.Astringent and sweet.

Suddenly, Dazai pulled me, turned slightly sideways, and changed an angle.

Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw a figure in black and orange hair, but it passed by, blocked by Dazai, so I couldn't see clearly.

I pushed Dazai to express doubt.

Dazai secretly grabbed my hand.

It wasn't until that person approached that Dazai seemed to have just discovered it, with a smile on his face, he greeted happily: "Oh, what a coincidence, isn't this Chuya!"

"It's really unlucky to meet you here. What are you doing... you? Qiu???"

I looked at Chuya Nakahara with a cracked face, and for a moment didn't know whether to wipe my tears first or the saliva from my lips first.

In the end, I still licked my lips, and said to Chuya Nakahara who had swept my grave:

"Mr. Zhongyuan... Long time no see."