My Feelings Can Wait

After sobbing, Ji Youyan didn't have the courage to continue.She looked at the still unresponsive dialog box, smiled wryly, wiped away her tears and got off the bed to wash her face.

In fact, she didn't expect Jing Xiu to respond to her immediately.She once failed Jing Xiu's tenderness and tolerance, and now all of this is her own fault.She just wanted Jing Xiu to know that she was different from before.She will become honest, learn to show weakness, and let go of the self-esteem and pride she shouldn't have in love.

Even though she still has a hard time doing it now, slowly, she can always put together a complete heart for Jing Xiu to see.

This is her sincerity and determination.

Tomorrow, she was going to record a show. In order not to swell her eyes, she washed her face with cold water and applied a cold towel to her eyes for a long time.After making sure nothing was wrong, she was too tired to warm her hands and feet.She went back to bed and wanted to turn off her daily alarm clock to remind her that she should go to bed. After taking out her phone, she turned on the screen and found an unread wechat message.

It was Jing Xiu who sent it to her a few minutes ago.There are only three simple words: "Come here."

Ji Yuyan immediately sat up straight, ecstatic.A few seconds later, she dropped the phone, lifted the quilt off the bed, put on cotton slippers, and rushed out the door in one go.

It wasn't until he ran all the way to the door of Jing Xiu's room and raised his hand to knock on the door that Ji Youyan's sanity returned.

What is she doing?Ji Youyan looked down at himself who had put on the wrong left and right feet and was disheveled, and couldn't help but laugh.

The cold air in the living room hit, Ji Youyan shivered unconsciously.She withdrew the hand that was about to knock on the door, changed the left and right slippers, straightened her clothes, and was about to comb her hair, when the door suddenly opened without knocking.

Jing Xiu stood in the light and shadow, his expression was always deserted.

After such a heart-and-heart self-confession, seeing such a peaceful Jingxiu, Ji Youyan opened his mouth and called out "Axiu" awkwardly, and was suddenly speechless in embarrassment and shame.

Jing Xiu looked at the thin pajamas on her body, and frowned almost imperceptibly.

"Come in." She opened the door wide and said calmly.

Ji Youyan's spirit was shocked for an instant, and he was flattered.With the help of Jing Xiu's figure turning away, she saw the whole picture of Jing Xiu's room clearly for the first time.It is obviously the same layout and furnishings as her room, but it seems that everything is so different because of living in Jingxiu.

Ji Youyan wrung his hands together, raised his foot and stepped into Jing Xiu's room door, walking with extra dignity step by step.Tonight's surprises one after another made her a little dazed, and she subconsciously asked herself, does this open door also represent a little bit of Jing Xiu's heart door being opened to her again?

Jing Xiu didn't notice her thoughts.She stood in front of the table, picked up the kettle and poured her a cup of hot water, handed it to Ji Yuyan, and said calmly, "It's clean."

Looking at her peaceful eyebrows, Ji Yuyan couldn't help raising the corners of his lips.She took the cup with both hands, and the heat from the water cup pressed against her hands, making her feel so comfortable that she sighed.

"It's okay." Her voice was still a little hoarse after crying.

Even if Jing Xiu handed her a cup of arsenic, she thought she could drink it with a smile.

"Drink a little to warm up your body." Jing Xiu said gently.

Ji Youyan smirked, lowered his head and drank water obediently.Sure enough, the heat flowed down her throat, all the way down, and traveled all over her limbs.

She was drinking water, and saw Jing Xiu entered the glass room, pouring water into the washbasin, and there was no emotion in her expression.Ji You's heart was beating nervously, unable to fathom Jing Xiu's attitude.

"Snowman is very cute, you have a heart." Jing Xiu didn't know if he had noticed her peeping, and suddenly said with his back to her.

Ji Youyan frowned and said, "Then when it snows again, I'll make a bigger one for you outside, okay?"

Jing Xiu stirred the water and refused, "No need."

Just as Ji Youyan's brows darkened, he saw Jing Xiu turn around again, and his eyes fell on his hands that were a little red and swollen from the cold.

"Aren't your hands too cold?" She said in an unusual tone.

Ji Youyan's heart suddenly warmed, with a bit of sourness.Ah Xiu remembered it all.

"Come in and soak your hands." Jing Xiu turned off the faucet, turned sideways to make way, and said gently.

Ji Youyan suspected that he might be dreaming.She stood there and looked at Jing Xiu in disbelief, Jing Xiu raised his chin to signal her.The corners of Ji Yuyan's lips gradually raised.She put down the water glass, followed Jing Xiu's instructions, and stepped into the narrow glass room.

The hot water in the washbasin, under Ji Yuyan's hands entering the water, shone with brown water, which was the color Ji Yuyan was familiar with.

Jing Xiu put the medicine pack for promoting blood circulation and preventing frostbite.

In the winter of the first year together, she and Jing Xiu developed chilblains after playing in the snow. Jing Xiu was surprised and distressed.She said it was the first time she had heard of the scientific name chilblain.Ji Youyan teased her, did she learn a little more Chinese after being with her, and gained a lot of knowledge.Jing Xiu poked her frostbite twice amusedly, she pretended to be in pain and howled, Jing Xiu was so frightened that she quickly covered and screamed.

Later, Jing Xiu knew that her hands couldn't stand the cold, and every winter when it was cold, she would protect her hands more actively than her, giving her gloves and warm handbags.

In the winter of the second year together, Jing Xiu heard from Chinese medicine that chilblain is the cause of poor blood circulation, so she specially learned her method of rubbing hands and pressing acupuncture points. To promote blood circulation, let her soak her hands with tangerine peel, and let her soak her hands with wormwood, and some medicine bags made of Chinese herbal medicine that she can't name.

Every time Ji Youyan saw her serious and gentle appearance, his heart softened and he wanted to tease her.Once after soaking her hands, Jing Xiu was helping her to apply frostbite hand cream, and she teased her: "Why do you think you are so kind to me?"

Jing Xiu didn't raise his head and said, "If it weren't for the fact that your hand can play the piano and write songs for me, which is a bit useful, I don't care if you are going to freeze into a pig's trotter."

Ji Youyan couldn't hear her duplicity.She feigned dissatisfaction and hugged her tightly, and asked ambiguously against her ear: "Are you sure, this is the only use?"

Jing Xiu pretended not to understand and said, "Otherwise? Let go, we haven't finished wiping yet."

Ji Youyan said slyly: "You really don't know? Then I think it is necessary for me to remind you." Then, she began to kiss Jing Xiu's ear.

Later, the hand cream that had just been applied was hastily washed off by Ji Yuyan.

Recalling the past, Ji Youyan felt a little hot in his heart.Has Jing Xiu always prepared these medicine packs for herself?

Jing Xiu has long eyelashes hanging down, under the dim light, her profile looks as gentle as before: "Is it too hot?"

Ji Youyan shook his head, curled up his ten fingers placed in the hot water, his heart beating like a drum.Jing Xiu has never mentioned what happened on WeChat just now, should she take the initiative to bring it up?Maybe this is a good time?

But before she could muster up her courage, Jing Xiu took the initiative to mention it before her: "I always knew that you sold the song to Guo Wen."

Ji Yoo choked.

It's not that she hasn't guessed it, Jing Xiu may have known about it a long time ago.After all, she asked herself tentatively that year, and later, it took such a long time before she answered herself.

"It's just that you don't want me to know, so I will pretend not to know."

Ji Youyan moved his lips, seeing Jing Xiu's calm appearance, but felt something stabbed him hard in his heart.Jing Xiu who cooperated with her lies, how uncomfortable should it be at that time?

"I've been thinking recently, what kind of person am I in your eyes?" Jing Xiu lowered her snow-white neck and looked at the overlapping shadows of her and Ji Yuyan on the ground.

"A very good person." Ji Youyan said with a sore throat.Apart from the word "good", she couldn't think of any other adjectives that could describe her beloved lover.

"Even if I'm unkind and too harsh?"

"You are not." Ji Youyan denied.

"But many people on the Internet also say that about me."

"That's because those people don't understand you, don't know you. If they understand your kindness and tolerance, your seriousness and dedication, they will not misunderstand you so much."

Jing Xiu raised his eyes to look at Ji Youyan, and said with a slight smile, "Then why do you think that if I know that you sell songs, I will think that you have no backbone and don't understand you?"

This is the first time Jing Xiu has shown such a smile to her for a long time.She smiled so brightly, but Ji Yuyan couldn't be happy.Ah Xiu's eyes were not smiling, but in her eyes, there was deep loneliness.

"There is no perfect person in this world. It's not because you're perfect that I like you." She looked at Ji Yuyan and said word by word, "It's because I like you that I think you're perfect."

Ji Youyan's heart trembled, and Jing Xiu said again: "But that was in the past."

His hands were still in the hot water, but Ji Yuyan felt that his hands and feet were starting to feel cold.

"Maybe we have never really known each other. I didn't know you were so confused, and you didn't know it. For a long time, I also felt confused and couldn't find my self-identity."

Ji Yuyan's surprise was obvious.

Jing Xiu smiled lightly, and said with a bit of self-deprecation: "Is it because I look so beautiful that I don't seem to have anything I want and feel inferior? It seems that everyone will feel that way."

Ji Yuyan pulled out his hands suddenly, turned to face Jing Xiu, tried to say something to comfort her, but her throat was blocked.Because she found that she couldn't justify herself.She was indeed as Jing Xiu said, looking at her smooth journey, excellent and confident, it seemed that she had never thought that Jing Xiu would also be afraid and uneasy.

Jing Xiu didn't blame her, she took out the towel, raised Ji Yuyan's left hand, wiped it gently, and said slowly: "I have won one award after another, and I have been liked by more and more fans. More and more praises. But I am getting more and more sad."

Why?Ji Youyan didn't have the courage to ask her aloud.

Jing Xiu changed Ji Yuyan's right hand to wipe, one finger at a time, gently wiping. "Many sleepless nights, I looked at the ceiling and asked myself, if I am really as fascinating as they like me, why do the people I like keep away from me and dislike me less and less?"

Ji Yuyan froze in astonishment.In the next second, she grabbed Jing Xiu's wrist with her backhand, and said eagerly, "I didn't, Ah Xiu, why do you think so?"

"But your behavior is not like this." Jing Xiu looked at her calmly.She pulled out her wrist little by little from Ji Yuyan's hand.

Ji Youyan was devastated.She introspects herself, what is her performance like?

She put herself at the disadvantage of this relationship, and she was trapped in her own inferiority complex and anxiety.She distanced herself from Jing Xiu; she spread ambiguous scandals with male stars time and time again; she concealed her honestly again and again when Jing Xiu questioned her; When celebrating her birthday with her, she asked her to wait until after midnight before returning to herself; after she called Jing Xiu when she was seriously injured and dying, she was still missing.

She always thought that Jing Xiu was disappointed in her and cold-hearted, so she left her.

But Jing Xiu told her: "Admitting your failure and convincing yourself that you no longer love me is actually not an easy task."

As Ji Yuyan dodged again and again, she gradually couldn't find any evidence that Ji Yuyan still loved her.She has gone through self-consolation and walked to the road of self-deception, from being unable to bear to ask at the beginning, to not daring to ask later.

In the end, she collapsed in the "yes" that Ji Youyan promised to break up before the hospital bed.

Ji Youyan walked away without taking any pictures, as if he had been waiting for that word of relief a long time ago.

The incisions on her two broken ribs that could not heal for a long time, every time they cracked, she woke up a little bit.

It was in such repeated pain that she convinced herself that Ji Youyan didn't love her anymore.

Ji Yuyan rolled down tears, except for the pale "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't know... I don't know..." She didn't know how she should confess herself so that she could hug the crying Jing Xiu in the past and make her believe , From the beginning to the end, she loved her so much.

As Jing Xiu's closest lover, like all outsiders, she has never really cared for Jing Xiu.She couldn't imagine how Jing Xiu spent those sleepless nights in such fragility and anxiety, and forced a smile on her face.

Suddenly, a piercing bell rang outside the door, breaking the silence of the room.It was Ji Yuyan's cell phone alarm clock thrown in the bedroom, reminding her that it was time to sleep.

"It's getting late." Jing Xiu walked out of the glass room, looked at the door, and said softly: "Go back, there is work tomorrow, it's time to sleep."

Ji Youyan saw that under the shadow of the lamp, Jing Xiu was facing her face sideways, and there was also water sliding down her cheeks.

Ji Youyan's heart ached like a big mouth opened, dripping blood.What kind of face does she have? Ask Jing Xiu for forgiveness.

She didn't know how she got back to the room, and she didn't know how long she had been sitting on the bed, silent to their chat records.

She fondled Jing Xiu's profile picture with her fingertips, and accidentally jumped to Jing Xiu's homepage, only to find that Jing Xiu's circle of friends, which Jing Xiu had blocked from her all along, had opened at some point.

Inside, there is only one dynamic, which is a lyrics.

The release time was three months after she broke up with Jing Xiu, when she and the male lead of the new drama "Massage" were rumored to be hot.

You are my dream, I am your dispensable person.

The author has something to say: Note: The last line of the lyrics is from the song "Written to Huang Huai".