shadow lover

When I knelt by his legs and turned my face up to meet his eyes, I knew I should give up. The mercy I begged for did not show obvious disgust and contempt. I looked away and stood up slowly to get out of the way. .The moment she walked in front of my eyes and passed me shoulder-to-shoulder, I felt that my soul was about to be pulled out of my body, and I clenched my fists tightly and bit my lips tightly, so as not to let each other fall into each other again. embarrassing situation.

The book says that if love has a comparison, it will be like food, from fresh and delicious to rotten and pungent, and finally it can only be thrown into the trash can.I think that in this life, even in the next life, I will be more likely than Sister Ke to occupy the position in Senmiao's heart. Even if I am the same kind of person as Sister Ke, she will think that Sister Ke really needs care, but I just want it selfishly.

When Xiaozhang took the cosmetic case from Xiaozhang's hand, Xiaozhang took out a tissue and wanted to wipe away the tears still hanging on my face, turned his head to avoid it, and walked out in the sight of others, to where I should go.Walking aimlessly all the way, the tears were dried by the wind, the brain was frozen in the cold weather, and the heart..., looking around, people coming and going, busy, looking straight into the distance, I can't see where the end is.

I found a seat in the dimly lit small park and sat down, staring at the dark sky, I counted one, two, three... one hundred over and over again, repeating silently.The mineral water bottle in his hand was pinched and deformed, his hands were shaking and shaking more and more violently, one, two, three, four, five.

Sometimes it’s good to think about when you were a child, because when you grow up, the mistakes you made will not be forgiven so easily, because when you are sensible, you should remember the meaning of the word decency, because when you mature You have to choose to control your negative emotions because of restraint.

I don't know how many hours I stayed outside before I got up and went home. When I opened the door and entered the house, Sen Miao was sitting in the living room watching TV. When she saw me entering the room, she raised her hand to turn off the TV and asked me where I was and why I didn't answer the phone.

"I didn't go anywhere, and I didn't hear the call."

"Anyang, what's going on with you today, I explained to you that my relationship with XX is only for work."

"I see, I'm going to sleep in the house."

"Anyang, why are you not as sensible as before? Are you still the capable and sensible person I know?"

"Sensible, hehe, sensible, sensible."

Senmiao, I think the only thing I can do for you is to return to the original appearance, let go of your hand even though I have never held it tightly, and give you all your freedom.Your birthday is coming soon, I will still buy a present for you, I just hope you like it, and don’t have any other ambitions, do you think this is okay?

In the past few days, when I was alone, I always felt that I would see phantoms. When I saw Sen Miao, I would walk towards me with a smile. I saw her sitting beside me and eating the candied haws in my hand. The real scene is just an illusion. Anyang, you have to distinguish between illusion and reality.

One day I went to the hospital and was admitted to the psychiatry department. After talking to the doctor and doing an examination, the doctor said that I had a precursor to splitting. I asked her if she had to rely on drug control as long as she took medicine. I asked her if she didn’t take medicine. Can you carry it over? The other party looked at me and said: "You should go home and discuss with your family before making a decision."

The day after tomorrow is Sen Miao's birthday, and I haven't bought the gift I want. Maybe it's because my impatience is too obvious, which makes Xiao Zhang keep asking me if I have something to go. I nodded, then shook my head, and then embarrassed her smirk.After finishing work, I picked up the makeup case and went out. On the night before Sen Miao’s birthday, I ran all over the big and small shopping malls in the city, and even took the navigation in my hand to look at the special shops.

Today is Sen Miao's birthday. I finished work early and went to pick her up from get off work. We first went to eat western food and then went to the movies. After the movie ended, we walked out one after the other.We didn't talk much all night. I weighed the pros and cons and didn't know which words I said would make her happy or disappoint. Sen Miao seemed to be waiting for me to speak, waiting for me to say something to her.

"Well, are you going home?"

"Well, I can do both."

"Then go home"

"Flowers, you want flowers."

"casual"

"Rose, still."

"casual"

"The rose is ready"

In the flower shop on the pedestrian street, I bought her a bouquet of roses under the watchful eyes of Sen Miao. When the bouquet was wrapped up and handed to me by the owner of the flower shop, I didn’t pick it up, but asked her to send it directly to Sen Miao. Miao hands.After leaving the flower shop, I continued to walk forward. As I was walking, my mind suddenly flashed, and then I asked, "What birthday gift do you want?"

"Oh, no need."

"Why don't you go to the jewelry store in front and buy it if you like it, or buy a few sets of clothes, high heels, or bags."

"No, come back."

"Well, happy birthday."

"Well, thank you."

This is my first birthday with Sen Miao, and it may be the last time. Unfortunately, I messed up the rare date. Sen Miao didn't say anything or show any disappointment or displeasure, and said lightly that it doesn't matter.When I got home, Senmiao put the flowers on the dining table and took a pajamas into the bathroom to take a shower. I sat on the sofa in the living room and broke out in sweat, my heart was pounding and my mind was in a trance.

"mother"

"An'an, come on, come to mom, come on, mom hugs, hugs."

I stood up in a trance, opened the door, and walked downstairs barefoot. I didn't come to my senses until I walked out of the community and stood by the road. If I took a few steps outside, I was afraid that I would be hit by passing vehicles.The cold air is transmitted from the soles of the feet, cold, cold from the inside out.I turned around and ran home and closed the door behind my back. The bedroom door was already closed. The quiet room made me tremble all over. I sat on the smooth floor tiles with my head in my arms, looked weakly in the direction of the bedroom and then lowered my head.

I know that no matter what I become, it is my own problem and has nothing to do with others. It is because my ability to resist pressure is not strong enough and my heart is not strong enough to bear it. I know that the so-called sense of security is not what you want. I know that solid barriers need to be built by myself, and I also know that things that do not belong to me should not be forced.

I know all the truths I know, but why, I still can't control the seeds I desire to grow again and again. Is it too much for me to ask for, shouldn't I ask for something, or am I just giving up? Son is not worthy of love.On Saturday, I went to my aunt's and forgot to buy some fruit. Seeing that I went there empty-handed, the expression on Sen Miao's face changed slightly, "I... Auntie, I'll buy whatever you want."

"No, no, come in quickly, look at your hands are purple and red from the cold, come here and auntie will fill you with a hot water bottle and cover it."

"Well, thank you auntie."

"It's okay, come in."

Standing at the door, I was pulled into the room by my aunt, and I passed Sen Miao and sat down on the other side of the sofa. This afternoon, when I was doing makeup for customers, I always felt someone calling me, and then I broke out in a cold sweat and then I lost control of my body began to tremble.Fortunately, I barely put down the things in my hand after I barely finished melting the customer. I almost screamed out of fright when I looked up at the glasses.I actually saw another me appearing behind me in the mirror. She stared at me and smiled strangely. She shed tears when she smiled. What scared me was that the tears that flowed from the bottom of her eyes were not transparent tears but tears. Bright red blood.

"Mom, let's spend the Chinese New Year here this year. If you want to go back after the Chinese New Year and spring, my dad's legs will have to be raised."

During the meal, Sen Miao was chatting with my uncle and aunt. I lowered my head and ate a few bites in a hurry, then got off the table and went into the bathroom to vomit. Bury your face in the cold water, don't panic, don't panic, Anyang, don't panic, calm down, calm down.

Why are you afraid, why? Is it because there is more concern and reluctance? Or is it because of something? Why are you panicking? Is it because of perception and touch?

After my rash actions and unusual behaviors happened one after another, Sen Miao finally questioned me. She asked me, Anyang, if you have any dissatisfaction in your heart, you can say it, and you don't have to do it.I replied to her and said, I am not dissatisfied, and then Sen Miao raised her voice and said, if you are not dissatisfied, then what have you been doing for more than a month, what have you been talking about.

"Do I have any?"

"Don't you have one? Why do you get up in the middle of the night and go to the kitchen to sharpen your knife? You call me during the day and I ask you what's the matter and you don't say a word. You go to my mother or you don't take anything. Last time What are you carrying in your hand? What are you doing with a bloody pig's head? Also, what kind of medicine did you get back when you went to the hospital for my dad? Male disease medicine, do you know that my dad was so angry after seeing it? I haven't slept well for a few days, if you have any opinion on me, you can tell me directly."

"I don't know, I'm sorry, I won't in the future, I promise."

It seems that I am really crazy, Sen Miao, I didn't mean it, you know that the world of one person is too difficult, I was not afraid of death before, really, I thought at that time as long as I could make enough money for my mother in the future You can close your eyes, sleep well, and no longer be tossed about and disliked.

Sen Miao, you are the first person I have ever loved, and maybe the only love in my life, I am content, even if I die on the street someday, I can still close my eyes.Sen Miao, I really cherish the time with you. There are not many good memories in my life, so I will remember the sweetness at the beginning, the corners of my mouth that I loved, the corners of my eyes that I cried. I have the smell of you in my heart.

Sen Miao, I wish I could give you a future to look forward to, but unfortunately, I tried my best and couldn't achieve the appearance you expected, let alone the ability to change the situation and bring you out of the quagmire and into the light.

Sen Miao, if the right person appears in the future, you just go forward, and it will be the same no matter how I live alone. I wish you and your family a happy life.

Today I went to the hospital alone for electric shock treatment. When the strong current passed through every cell and even the pores of my body, I bit my tongue in pain. Suddenly I saw you open your arms to me and said to me, Anyang, come here hug.