[Black Basket] The medicine cannot be stopped

It's hard to imagine sitting face to face with Akashi-kun under such circumstances.

It's been a week since I "talked" with Kuroko, and Akashi-kun's return from the game is exactly today.When he left, my mood was completely different from when he came back now.

"You, remember?"

he asked me suddenly.

Should it really be said that it is Akashi-kun? Even though we only had a few vague phone calls in the middle, even if we just sat silently facing each other at this moment, he has already sensitively noticed the change in the atmosphere between us.

By now, there is nothing to hide, right...?

I mustered up the courage to raise my head and look directly at Akashi-kun.

"……Yes."

I thought he would ask me why I lost my memory all of a sudden, and why I found it back all of a sudden, or ask me about various suspicious points in this matter.Yet he only asked one question that I hadn't thought of.

"So, do you still want to go ahead with the divorce?"

He looked at me calmly, as if he had understood my answer.

But there is still a trace of unwillingness, incomprehension and reluctance.

Do you still want to continue the divorce?

I ask myself this.

I have asked myself this question countless times, but to no avail.I thought that my former self would give me an answer, but now it seems that the "life of amnesia" in the past few months is like a farce, and I still have to complete the ending by myself.

Still hesitating.

"What about you... what do you think?"

Akashi-kun on the opposite side was very calm, "I respect your choice."

Why, why are you saying this again?

"Then let's get a divorce."

I tried my best to stabilize my mind and kept telling myself not to cry, not to cry.Nodding to him, she ran out of the store with her bag almost like running away.I could hardly maintain my expression, the passers-by were all looking at me crying miserably on the street.

My mind couldn't help but go back to the day when it all started.

……

…………

The day everyone gets married must be his happiest day, and many things on that day will become good memories in the future.For example, Akashi-kun looks as handsome in a suit as I imagined.

My classmates from high school came to the wedding and showed great envy to me, and I was in a good mood to thank them for their blessings.A classmate was very curious, "How long have you been in love?"

……us?in love?

The so-called "love" of lovers in the strict sense is usually calculated starting with "I like you, let's be together", but there has never been such a moment between me and Akashi.

Does he invite me to rent together?Or, was it the moment he proposed to me?

I didn't know how to answer, so I could only smile vaguely and faltered.

However, another classmate also came over, "Your husband is so handsome! Wow, it's so hard to imagine how he confessed to you. Did he chase you first? Or did you chase him?"

I was at a loss.

In the process of our getting along, the "drama" that should appear in these ordinary lovers seems to have never appeared, but until today, I suddenly realized this.What happened in the past seemed to be veiled by the word Akashi, which made me ignorant and unaware, and walked into a sweet trap.

I was totally at a loss for the whole wedding.I think I should act happy, but it seems that acting skills can't fool everyone.

At least Akashi.

"What's wrong with you? Are you not feeling well today?"

He asked me very gently. I went home very late that day, and he also looked at me very gently.

I don't actually remember what happened that night, just the look and the fact that he proposed to me the next day.What did I say that day that made Akashi suddenly decide to marry me?

"Akashi-kun," I couldn't help calling his name, "you...do you really like me?"

He seemed to be busy with something, looked down at the phone, and gave me a vague smile upon hearing this.

He said, "You don't have to call me Akashi-kun."

He didn't answer my question.

Like every time since, every time before.

I have never received the answer to this question, the seemingly simplest question that confronts every couple.

Ten years ago, I could confidently say to him, you don't understand the word "feeling" at all.

Ten years later, it will take me several years to prove that this sentence really seems to make sense.

On the day of the wedding, I didn't see Akashi's parents. I asked anxiously, but still didn't get an answer.I know that he was born into a famous family and his parents are still alive. It stands to reason that it is etiquette to visit him, but I haven't seen him once in several years of marriage.

"There's no need for that."

Akashi explained it to me like this.

I don't have a job, I have few friends, Akashi is busy with work, often competes, and my parents are thousands of miles away, so I can only live alone.Gradually, I began to feel that life was oppressive and painful. The initial doubts snowballed and grew bigger and bigger, and finally turned into a blizzard.

Once by chance, I met my junior high school classmate and Akashi's teammate Kuroko-kun again.Unexpectedly, he is now working as a psychiatrist in a certain psychiatric clinic.

It's very relaxing to chat with him, maybe it's because I haven't had friends for a long time.

He encouraged me to travel more and see the beautiful scenery. I also tried to write some words, relying on these publications to prove my sense of existence in this world.

It seems that everything is gradually getting better.

When I went home one time, my parents asked me vaguely about their children.

child……

This word seems to be far away from me. It's not that I haven't thought about it, but I still think it will be several years later.My mother looked at me very disappointingly, and told me that I had to get pregnant quickly. I have been married for several years, why there is no news yet.

The next time Akashi came home, I, who never kept a secret from him, told him about it.

He was always quick to come up with the best solution - go to the hospital.And it was carried out immediately. We conducted some examinations that I had never had before. I listened to the doctor's explanation in a fog, but I could only understand the general idea.

"You don't need to be too anxious. Now that medicine is advanced, as long as you take good care of your body, everything is possible."

Probably because I was too dazed and Akashi was too serious, the doctor kindly enlightened us.

I followed Akashi in the long corridor, and the hospital was always filled with the smell of disinfectant, which made me very uncomfortable.But that oppressive feeling came again, I really wanted to breathe hard to get air, but I always felt that it was not enough.

It's never been enough.

Like a fish without water, I don't seem to be able to live.

"Then, what do we do?"

I looked at Akashi in front of me, he looked calm, is he really expecting our baby?Or was he, like me, not really ready?

Or, he didn't think about it at all?

"Just let it be." He patted my head, "I'm busy now, so there's no need to worry about this matter."

He was gentle, always so gentle.

I seemed to be suffocating.

Do you really love me?

Yes or no.

There are really only two options, but all I get is uncertainty and ambiguity.

I think maybe I have changed.In the beginning, I could be ecstatic even with a conversation, a look at each other, and a hug, and I could feel satisfied in life.But now, I am insatiably greedy, like a bottomless pit, asking and asking for it again and again.

Akashi has never changed, he is always gentle, but I have changed.

If the old me and Akashi were together, he must be very happy.

It was late one night when this idea popped up suddenly.Then, like a vine that had found a parasite, he entangled tightly in my mind.

How can I be as easy to satisfy as before, and like Akashi-kun consistently without asking for anything in return?

I try to read some magazines of female high school students, dress myself up a little younger, or deliberately act naive, but every time I see strange eyes from people around me, I know that no matter how I dress up on the outside, my heart It's not mine anymore.

If only I could disappear now.