deep desire

Walking out of the psychological recovery room, Lu Jingshen stopped in the shade of the garden, wanted to light a cigarette, touched his body, and remembered that he had exhausted the last cigarette yesterday.

He sat down by the flower bed a little tiredly. The experience of that year was repeated in the deep hypnosis just now, and the feeling was still very difficult, and his back was covered with cold sweat.

I don't know how long it will take for the effect of psychotherapy to really show up.

After sitting quietly for a while, his mood gradually calmed down. He picked up his phone and looked at it. The WeChat interface was still stuck on the one he sent to Feng Si before he went in.

Not knowing whether Feng Si didn't see it or didn't want to go back, Lu Jing let out a deep breath, pressed the black phone screen, and could only forget it.

In the past few days, Feng Si occasionally replied to his messages, and said a few words to him, probably because he was not good at chatting with people like this, most of the things he said were meaningless, and sometimes the atmosphere was inexplicably awkward.

This made Lu Jing deeply frustrated, but he was unwilling to give up just like that.

In a daze, the screen of the mobile phone held in his hand lit up again, and new news came in.

Feng Si: "After seeing the doctor, come out quickly. I'll wait for you at the exit of the hospital parking lot."

Lu Jing was taken aback for a moment, and immediately stood up when she came back to her senses. Before she had time to think about why Feng Si came back suddenly, she walked quickly towards the parking lot.

As the car drove out of the parking lot, Lu Jing's eyes swept over, and he saw Feng Si standing on the side of the street.

He was the same, gray jacket, overalls, a cigarette in his hand.

Seeing Lu Jingshen's car coming out, Feng Si stubbed out the cigarette and threw it into the trash can, walked over, and opened the passenger's door.

He brought in a cold air, and the familiar smell of tobacco wrapped around his body.

Lu Jingshen's heart was beating a little faster, she gripped the steering wheel tightly, turned her head and asked him, "Why are you here?"

He thought that someone from a foreign country came back suddenly, and he came to wait for him at the hospital gate as if nothing had happened, and got into his car. As far as Lu Jingshen was concerned, everything was beyond his expectation and he was so pleasantly surprised that he couldn't believe his eyes.

"I just arrived at noon," Feng Si said casually, "You probably haven't had dinner yet, so let's go, go eat first."

Seeing that Lu Jing was still in a daze, Feng Si smiled, pointed to the front, and motioned for him: "Drive."

Lu Jingshen finally came back to his senses, looked away in embarrassment, and stepped on the gas pedal again.

They chose a clean restaurant with few people. At the dinner table, Lu Jingshen wanted to ask several times, but was interrupted by Feng Si.

"Let's talk about it after eating. I didn't eat much on the plane. Let me fill my stomach first."

Lu Jing deeply saw the tiredness in his brows, swallowed the words on his lips, and calmed down.

After dinner, Feng Si drove the car instead, and took Lu Jingshen through the streets of the city where the lights were gradually turning on. Finally, he parked the car by the lake in the city where no one was secluded, and suggested going down for a walk.

"It's still early, let's go outside for a walk."

After finishing speaking, Feng Si opened the door and got out of the car, and Lu Jing followed closely.

The night was reflected on the surface of the lake, and mottled light spots were scattered in it. Feeling the damp wind blowing past, Lu Jingshen gradually calmed down, and finally asked, "Why did you come back?"

I thought Feng Si would casually say something like "Can't I come back", or "I can go wherever I want", but no, he even restrained the usual smile on his face, just Said, "Find a job here."

Lu Jingshen: "...here?"

Feng Si explained: "The flight instructors of Jinghang University helped them train pilot students, signed an external contract, and started to work next week. After thinking about it, I should come back to work. My mother is getting old, and she keeps talking about returning to her roots. Sooner or later, she will return to work. If she wants to come back here, even Tingting plans to develop here after graduating from university."

What he didn't say was that this job was not a temporary decision. It had already been decided before he left years ago. He went back to England to celebrate the New Year, and he didn't officially return to work until this semester started.

From the very beginning, he never thought of leaving.

Lu Jingshen didn't expect to get such an answer, Feng Si actually chose to teach in a university.

But at least, this person came back, and they will have the opportunity to meet often in the future.

"Go to school as a teacher, and the salary is not much."

After holding back such a sentence, Lu Jingshen himself felt embarrassed, but Feng Si said, "It's true that there aren't many, but it's pretty good. It's stable, there are few things to do, and you don't have to fly around."

I don't know where the next stop will be and when I can stop.

Inexplicably, Lu Jing thought of the words he wrote in the postcard, and it was a bit unpleasant: "It's quite good, and it's a little more relaxed."

Feng Si stared into his eyes, and changed the subject: "You went to see a psychiatrist today, did it work?"

Lu Jingshen's complexion changed slightly, Feng Si didn't give him a chance to escape: "You never told me why you need to see a psychiatrist."

Indeed no, Feng Si asked him several times before, but every time the words came to his lips, he didn't know how to say them. He really didn't have the courage to reveal his scars for those painful memories. If he hadn't walked into that psychological room today In the recovery room, he didn't want to recall what happened back then.

Seeing the cold sweat oozing from Lu Jingshen's forehead, Feng Si raised his hand and pressed on his shoulder, and said softly, "Relax."

Lu Jing breathed deeply and slowly, Feng Si withdrew his hand: "When your sister went to London, I met her, and she told me everything about you."

Lu Jing looked at him in surprise, and Feng Si said, "Can you tell me now? Or if I ask, you answer me, is that okay?"

There was a struggle in Lu Jing's deep expression, and under Feng Si's gentle gaze, he nodded slowly.

Feng Si: "I'm afraid, terrified, and loathe the homosexual group, so I took you to gay for the first time, and your reaction is so big?"

Lu Jingshen put his hand on the railing by the lake, subconsciously tightened it, and struggled to utter a voice: "Mmm."

Feng Si: "At that time you said that you were not our kind, because of psychological repulsion and hatred, so you didn't want to identify yourself as a homosexual?"

Lu Jing said in a deep voice, "Yes."

"So before you met me, did you know your own sexuality?" Feng Si continued to ask.

Lu Jing fell into deep silence, Feng Si didn't urge him, and quietly waited for his answer.

After a while, he spoke again: "I don't know, I haven't been attracted to anyone else, neither men nor women."

Feng Si: "I don't know my sexuality, and I'm afraid of homosexuality, and I'm more wary of strangers than ordinary people. Why did you dare to get into my car alone the day we first met in Africa?"

Lu Jingshen really couldn't answer this question.

When he went to Africa, he wanted to find a place far away from the world he was familiar with and where no one knew him. I met Feng Si.

Even though his instinctive self-protection made him subconsciously show that he couldn't understand Chinese, when he was stared at by Feng Si's smiling eyes, he vaguely heard another voice deep in his heart, he wanted to know this people.

Perhaps it was just a flash of thought, his cordon loosened a hole, he chose to follow the thoughts deep in his heart, and got into Feng Si's car.

"If I have to say it," Lu Jingshen tried his best to organize his words, "I might feel that you are different from others when I first saw you. At least for me, I want to know you."

Feng Si asked: "When you say that, can I understand that you actually fell in love with me at first sight?"

His words seemed to be flirting, but his tone was extraordinarily serious.

Lu Jing thought for a while, then nodded again.

If under extreme self-enclosure, you can still be attracted to someone and cast waves in your heart, this may indeed be love at first sight.

He couldn't deny it.

Feng Si continued: "Isn't it hard to realize that I might be a member of the group that used to hate and fear the most?"

Lu Jingshen's hands clenched tightly, and his jawline tensed.Feng Si looked at him like this, remembering the night when he kissed him for the first time, Lu Jing was so nervous that he was trembling all over.

At that time, he only felt that Lu Jing couldn't let go, but now he finally knew why.

Lu Jingshen: "...I can't accept it, but I don't want to push you away."

What I can't accept is my own sexuality, and what I don't want to push away is Feng Si.

He knows that he is very contradictory, but it is such contradictory emotions that keep pulling him repeatedly, making him hesitant, indecisive, and even self-loathing.

"I want me in my heart, but I dare not face the fact that I am gay, because these three words have been linked to dirty, rotten, crazy and fear in your subconscious, so you refuse to accept, don't want to admit it, and are even more afraid Known by others, right?"

Feng Si asked directly, Lu Jing was deeply embarrassed, but could only nod.

"Then now, can you listen to me?" Feng Si said.

Lu Jing looked up at him deeply, Feng Si's expression was unprecedentedly serious: "Alex, there are indeed many dirty, rotten and unbearable things hidden in the homosexual group, but it is the person who is wrong, not this identity. Your classmate he When you meet people who are not kind, choose to degenerate after getting sick and being abandoned by others, mentally disturbed, you use your kindness as capital to hurt you, it is him who is wrong, not his homosexual identity."

"There is no one group that can be generalized. Some of my friends you have met are really crazy, have chaotic private lives, and low morals. You can look down on such people, but there are also people who are not like that. They have fixed Partners who work hard and live, and occasionally go to such a place to have a few drinks to relax, they are just ordinary people, not scary."

"It's the same with me. I haven't told you. Before I met you, I rarely went to that kind of place. I have to study and work, and I don't have any extra energy. Because of my oriental face, no matter what In school or later in the air force, there will always be people who look down on me secretly. I want to prove myself. My goal is always to be number one and excellent. The heavy schoolwork and various tasks are on my shoulders, so I have no free time at all. time to play."

"Later, in order to find you, I ran all over the world. Every expectation was in vain in the end. I am just an ordinary person. I will be disappointed, sad, and lonely. I will go back alone at night when I can't find you. Knowing where the home is, the feeling is really uncomfortable, which makes me want to exile myself. But I have a bottom line, I just want to feel the excitement, and I will not use this as an excuse for depravity and promiscuity. Before you If you don’t want me to be indiscreet in my private life and have sex with other people casually, I can tell you very clearly that there is no one else but you.”

"I want to find you because I like you. If I am really like other people, lingering in the bed of different people every night because of loneliness, then my liking is not worth mentioning. I have been searching for you for seven years without giving up. The same person will only become a joke, and I won't do that."

"So you don't have to worry about gains and losses, let alone feel that our relationship is dirty and shameful. You are not wrong, and I am not wrong. There is no need to use other people's faults to put shackles on yourself and punish yourself."

Lu Jing slowly digested what Feng Si said, all kinds of complex emotions were intertwined, making him confused.

"I……"

Feng Si stared at his twinkling eyes: "Don't rush to give an answer so quickly, I know that psychological barriers can't be easily eliminated with just a few sentences, you still need to see a doctor, I will accompany you, No matter how difficult or painful it is, you have to come out, not for me, but for yourself."

"As for the things between me and you, I think whether it was then or now, every time it started too quickly, it seemed that the only thing between us was sex. I don't want to do this, and you probably don't want to do it again. , why don't we change the way this time, it's not a game, it's getting to know each other seriously, maybe we can start with friends, you don't have a friend who can talk to you and listen to your truth, I would like to be this person, why are you happy Or unhappy things, you can tell me, and I will tell you the same, we no longer keep each other, is that okay?"

Lu Jingshen's eyes gradually lit up, and Feng Si's words hit his heart word by word.

He nodded again, but this time he was relieved: "Okay."

It was enough that Feng Si was willing to give him time, and he would not let Feng Si down again.

Feng Si: "There is still the contract we signed, I will continue to fulfill it, but I just want to do my own business, I will accompany you when you go on a business trip, other times you need assistants or bodyguards, you should hire someone else. I think we all need a little bit of privacy and being together 24 hours a day is not necessarily a good thing."

"Okay." Lu Jingshen readily agreed this time.

Feng Si tugged at his collar, as if to relax: "Let's go, I'll take you back."

The car drove back, maybe because they talked too much just now, they didn't make any more noise along the way, Lu Jing leaned deeply in the seat, looking out the window at the night scene of the city that seemed to have warmed up again, suddenly felt the emptiest part of his heart Gradually being filled, the premonition that the haze is about to dissipate.

He slowly closed his eyes, relaxed himself and fell asleep.

It was only half an hour's drive to Mingyue Bay, but Lu Jingshen rarely had a good night's sleep.

When Feng Si woke up, it was the same as every time, waiting for him with the window open smoking a cigarette. Seeing him open his eyes, he raised his finger and pointed at his watch: "It's almost ten o'clock, you go up and take a shower and go to sleep, don't even think about it." Too much, clear the thoughts in your head, and fall asleep soon."

Lu Jing was taken aback for a while, and asked him, "Where do you live?"

"The hotel, there is a single dormitory arranged by the school. I'll go and see it tomorrow. If the conditions are okay, I can live there. It's more convenient." Feng Si explained casually.

Lu Jing deeply wanted to keep her, but after thinking about it, she felt that it was not easy to open her mouth. After all, they agreed not to start with bed this time.

Feng Si was amused by his troubled expression, took out the car key and threw it back to him: "Go up, I'm going back to the hotel too."

He pushed the door and got out of the car, Lu Jing followed deeply, already completely awake, called him, Feng Si turned his head.

Lu Jing asked him deeply: "A friend,... can I chase you? You don't have to accept it so quickly."

Feng Si put his hands in his pockets, and changed into that unserious look again: "I said Mr. Lu, you really bother me like this."

Lu Jing asked seriously: "Is it not possible?"

"Okay," Feng Si smiled, and the smile permeated into the melting night, "As you like."