deep desire

Before the plane took off, Lu Jingshen sent Feng Si a message.

"I'm going back to China soon. I'll come to London to see you again in two months at most. If you're not here by then, can you tell me where you went? I'll look for you."

After sending, he kept staring at the phone screen until the plane overshot the end of the runway and took off, but there was no reply.

With a cigarette in his mouth, Feng Si directly crossed out the pop-up drop-down box, squinted his eyes and slowly rubbed Lu Jingshen's face in the photo on the screen with his thumb.

It was the photo of Lu Jing feeding the pigeons that he casually took next to a roadside coffee shop in France.

A little bit of bread crumbs can catch a cunning pigeon, but it is far from easy to catch people who want to feed the pigeons.

Lu Jingqing's plane landed in London at noon the next day, and as soon as he arrived on his mobile phone, he received a text message from an unfamiliar local number.

"Can we meet up some time? - Feng Si"

Lu Jingqing frowned. She didn't want to pay attention to it at first, but she seemed to think of something, and replied to the address of the hotel where she will be staying: "See you at the coffee shop here at 04:30."

When Lu Jingqing walked into the coffee shop, Feng Si was already waiting for her in the booth, leaning on the seat to look at the street view outside the floor-to-ceiling glass windows, and turned to her only after hearing footsteps, stood up and welcomed her into a seat very gentlemanly.

"I heard that you prefer to drink latte. I just ordered it for you. Please sit down."

Lu Jingqing sat down, looked at him without shyness, and asked bluntly: "How do you know I'm here? Who did you ask for my mobile phone number? And who did I ask for my preferences?"

Feng Si smiled: "The president is indeed more impatient than Mr. Lu, well, I know you came here because I heard a call from you and Mr. Lu that day."

"As for the last two questions, the source is your brother," he replied frankly, "I can chat with Mr. Xiao Lu quite well, and I asked him for your contact information, the president, and he sent it to me."

Lu Jingqing's expression remained unchanged: "So, what do you want from me, just tell me."

"About Boss Lu," Feng Si didn't make a fool of himself, "I think there are some things that Mr. Lu may not know, but you must know the reason why Boss Lu is so homophobic and even has psychological barriers."

Lu Jingqing's face darkened slightly: "Who said he was homophobic? Even homophobia doesn't seem to have anything to do with you, does it?"

"Whether he is homophobic or not can be seen by anyone with eyes," Feng Si stated the facts unhurriedly, "The president doesn't have to be so hostile to me, I just care about President Lu, as for my relationship with him It doesn't matter, Mr. Lu can deceive others, but he shouldn't be able to deceive you, the president. The photo that was secretly taken is not fake, you should be very clear about this."

Lu Jingqing: "What are you thinking about Ah Shen? What are you trying to do with him? Money? I heard from Liu Jie and Chi Xie that you go to nightclubs every three days and go outside to hug different men and women every day. What right does this kind of person sit here and ask me about Ah Shen?"

Feng Si lowered his head and was silent for a while, and when he looked up at her again, there was no longer any hint of joking in his serious expression: "The president thinks that I have been looking for him all over the world for seven years, what is it for him? I met him in Africa seven years ago , together for three months, and then he left without saying goodbye, and even refused to tell me his origin, so I could only look for him wherever I could find him, and it took me seven years to finally find him.”

Lu Jingqing's eyes finally showed a slack, as if surprised: "You and him met in Africa seven years ago?"

"I don't need to lie to you about this kind of thing." Feng Si said.

Lu Jingqing thought for a while, and said: "Since he left without saying goodbye, he just didn't want to have anything to do with you, why did you come to him to bother him?"

Feng Si asked her: "You should know better than me what kind of life he has lived in these seven years. Can he live happily if I don't bother him?"

When the voice fell, the screen of his mobile phone on the table lit up, and it was a new WeChat message from Lu Jingshen.

"I just arrived at the company and I'm about to go to work. I have a meeting in a while. There are a lot of things that can always be done. I'll contact you later."

In the past two days, Lu Jingshen sent him more than a dozen messages one after another, but Feng Si didn't reply once. I don't know if Lu Jingshen felt frustrated, at least he wasn't discouraged, and he still sent new messages persistently.

Lu Jingqing caught a glimpse of their WeChat dialog box, and frowned: "He sent you a message, why didn't you reply?"

Feng Si put away the phone: "I don't want to reply."

Lu Jingqing's tone was not good: "Since this is the case, why do you still come to me to ask him?"

Feng Si: "The president must be reasonable. He left me and ran away without saying hello. I finally found him. He treated me as a bed partner and refused to admit our relationship to others. I was also a victim when the photos were exposed. Or, he directly asked me to leave the company and denied my existence in front of everyone, does he want me to not care about it at all and tolerate him without a bottom line?"

Lu Jing asked in a deep voice, "He came to London to look for you?"

Feng Si nodded: "To be honest, I don't know what he thinks. I stayed by his side. He was frightened and didn't want others to know about us. I left as he wished, but he was still dissatisfied. He came to me again and again, and he said he would see a psychiatrist, so why? What is the reason, so serious that he needs to see a psychiatrist?"

Lu Jingqing clenched the coffee cup tightly, struggling a little, but the guard in his eyes gradually let go: "...Are you serious about Ah Shen? If it's just for fun, don't provoke him again, whether he has it or not. The problem has nothing to do with you."

"I want to know," Feng Si insisted, staring into Lu Jingqing's eyes, "please tell me."

His tone was not strong, but Lu Jingqing felt a sense of oppression inexplicably, which made her very unhappy, but thinking of Lu Jingshen's loss of soul during this period of time, it seemed that everything was repeating his state after he returned from Africa seven years ago. At that time, she She simply thought it was caused by Lu Jingshen's psychological problems, but only today did she suddenly realize that the crux may be the man in front of her.

"I didn't know he would like men before." Lu Jingqing finally let go of the line of defense. "He is indeed homophobic and has a lot of psychological problems."

Feng Si: "Why?"

There was fleeting darkness in Lu Jingqing's eyes: "PTSD."

Feng Si's eyes moved, and Lu Jingqing quickly continued: "He and I both went to universities in the United States, in different states, and you should be very clear that although homosexuality is very common in this era, Westerners always talk about it. Talk about political correctness, but conservative places are also very conservative, especially in the United States, where there are huge differences in views between different regions. The place where Ah Shen studied is the conservative school. Opposition, but there are exceptions."

"Among them, there was a boy who secretly fell in love with a man outside the school. Later, he was infected with AIDS and was abandoned, and his private life was maliciously exposed in school. Since then, everyone has gone around him, and no one is willing to follow him even for group assignments. He was in the group, probably because Ah Shen was easy to talk, and the professor arranged for that boy to be with Ah Shen. At that time, Ah Shen's attitude towards homosexuality was irrelevant, and it was his personality. He would not show discrimination on his face like other people. In school, I have always treated that boy with the same attitude as an ordinary classmate, and because of this, that boy regards Ah Shen as a life-saving straw."

"When Ah Shen went out shopping alone, he stunned Ah Shen with an electric shock rod, kidnapped him, locked Ah Shen in a dark basement, and complained to Ah Shen over and over again, telling about the relationship between him and that man. Love, hating that man for infecting him with the disease and then abandoning him, wanting Ah Shen to understand him and sympathize with him. He was already terminally ill at that time, and he became ill within a short period of time after contracting AIDS. With the addition of drugs, his body had already collapsed , the spirit is not normal, but Ah Shen did not give him a satisfactory reaction, just wanted to leave, so he went crazy, injected hallucinogens into Ah Shen, locked Ah Shen alone in the basement, and photographed Ah Shen through surveillance Videos and photos of ugly faces after being injected with drugs."

Lu Jingqing spoke quickly, and this incident was also a memory she didn't want to recall.The emotion in Feng Si's eyes sank little by little, and transformed into another very complicated, indescribable gloom: "What happened next?"

"Later," Lu Jingqing seemed unable to bear to continue, "Later, Ah Shen was rescued. It was already two weeks later, the boy died of overdose in the rented house, and the resident next door found his body and called the police. When the police went there, they found Ah Shen, who was locked in the basement and was dying. He hadn’t eaten for three days at that time, and he survived with only half a bottle of mineral water.”

"When he was rescued, he saw the rotting and smelly body of the boy, and he vomited on the spot. Because he hadn't eaten for a long time, all he vomited was stomach acid and blood. When I received the news and rushed over, he had already entered the hospital. He was admitted to the hospital and stayed for more than half a month, but his body recovered, but he suffered from serious psychological sequelae. For a while, he even suffered from insomnia, nightmares, and hallucinations all night, and he was almost unable to continue his studies."

"Only I told him about this matter. He didn't want to worry his parents. He repeatedly asked me not to tell the family. I helped him hide it. After he was discharged from the hospital, he hired a psychiatrist. He went to see it several times, because Too much fear and repulsion, almost no effect, then he refused to go again, after graduation he said he wanted to go out alone to relax, I was actually worried and planned to go with him, but he refused and insisted on leaving alone."

"It was only later that I found out that he had gone to Africa. One day he suddenly sent me a message, saying that he did not plan to come back for the time being and would stay there for a few months. He would not contact me during this period and told me not to worry about him. After that I just turned off my phone, I couldn’t get in touch with him, and I was worried for three whole months before he came back.”

"After that, he was like a different person. He didn't like to talk before, and he became more closed since then. I still wanted him to see a psychiatrist, but he said no. Later, we returned to China and started working in the company. I think He seemed to be back to normal on the surface, and he felt that there was no need for him to face the pain, so he never mentioned it to him."

Lu Jingqing finished speaking with a complicated expression, and looked straight at Feng Si: "Do you understand? I don't want to force him, so I hope you don't force him either. He didn't do well, whether it was then or now, if you can't accept it Forget it, there is no need to force him to let go of his fear of homosexuality, I think it is very difficult for an individual to do that after going through that kind of thing.”

"Do you really think he's back to normal?" Feng Si asked her calmly, "Do you think his current problem is just homophobia and disapproval of his homosexuality? You didn't find that he even had problems socializing normally ?"

Lu Jingqing immediately retorted: "Impossible. He hasn't had any problems with his family or work these years. What could be wrong?"

Feng Si shook his head: "Aside from these? He can try his best to do everything a filial son and a friendly brother should do, but has he really told you what is in his heart? Do you or your family members really know what he is thinking? He can deal with his subordinates and business partners with ease, but can he have real friends? The so-called "fa Xiao" is just because of business cooperation, so he went to the party to save face, but he encountered a public confession that made him You can’t get off stage, and in the end you just cut off contact with everyone. Apart from working overtime on weekends, the only pastime is to go to the gym and play squash alone, or just stay at home and watch movies. Do you really think there’s nothing wrong with that?”

"Of course, I also know that there are quite a few people who like to be alone and don't communicate with others, but why is Alex like this? It's because he hasn't come out of the shadow of the past, and he's afraid of opening up to others, so Choose self-isolation, you clearly know it, why do you deceive yourself and think that there is no problem, and prevent him from continuing to see a doctor?"

His tone was aggressive, and Lu Jing kept a cold face, but she could no longer refute: "What about you? What do you think you can do? Are you not afraid of backfire if you force him to face it?"

Feng Si's line of sight shifted slightly to the direction outside the window for a moment, and the withered yellow leaves fell to the ground, and were swept up by the wind again, struggling to swing in the cold wind, all desolate.

The turbulent emotions in his heart are indescribable. Lu Jing is deeply afraid of being photographed, subconsciously rejects homosexuality, and is unwilling to contact people. He finally knows the reasons why he can't say it, but it doesn't feel good.

Slowly closing his eyes, he said: "Homophobia, fear, and disapproval, and then discovering that he may also be gay after that, must be uncomfortable, but during the three months in Africa, he behaved very Well, I accepted it easily. Although I don’t like to talk, he is willing to try to do what I take him to try. Maybe because he is far away from reality in that place, he can temporarily forget those fears, but we didn’t There is no way to stay there for the rest of his life, and when he wants to return to reality, he can only choose to run away from me."

"But evasion is not the solution to the problem after all. No matter how painful he is, he has to take that step. Only by facing his true self can he truly get out of the pain of the year. I didn't know it before. The method used was too radical. It will be changed in the future.”

Lu Jingqing frowned: "What do you think about Ah Shen? Do you plan to stay with him for a long time?"

Feng Si didn't answer right away, remembering that late at night, when he got home downstairs, he saw the person lying in the car waiting for him.

From the very beginning, he didn't intend to really let go. When that person came to him, it was even more impossible for him to let him go.

No matter the pain or the embarrassment, he would help Lu Jing to heal her deeply.

His own seven years, those unwillingness and obsession also required Lu Jingshen to finally give him an answer.

"Your brother asked me before, what is the relationship with Alex?" Feng Si's voice paused slightly, and under Lu Jingqing's gaze, he answered her calmly, "I told him, what I say doesn't count, and what Alex says counts." , now you ask me the same."

"I don't want him to treat me as a life-saving straw before he fully recognizes himself. It's not fair to him, and it's not fair to me."

"When Alex really comes out, I will talk to him for a long time."