After I lost my memory, I attacked the crematorium.

It's not that Xie Jinnian didn't think about what it would be like to meet Han Yicheng again.

He thought, maybe they would smile politely, or just exchange a glance, and then rub shoulders silently.

After that, there will be melancholy, there will be a lonely regret and a emptiness in my heart, but that's all.

He never knew that he would be so sad when he unexpectedly faced Han Yicheng again.

He was so sad that the blood in his heart seemed to be completely emptied for an instant, and when he was so sad that he almost raised his hand to hold his heart, it was released in an instant.

The scalding hot enough to burn his consciousness made Xie Jinian unable to maintain his usual calmness, but he had to use all his willpower to maintain his composure.

Compared to two years ago, Han Yicheng has become thinner, but his eyes and feelings have returned to calm. The youthful air that he would deliberately hide in front of outsiders has completely disappeared, replaced by a deep and cold mature temperament. When he was on Ji Nian's body, he had that calm, deep and somewhat shaky appearance.

Their gazes intertwined silently in the air, and no one spoke first, nor did they make any movements.

It wasn't until the door next to Han Yicheng opened and Song Jinghui and the clerk came out that the increasingly heavy pressure in the air was broken.

While operating quickly on the pad, the clerk asked: "For the formal dress worn when exchanging rings at the wedding, does the groom prefer to use fabrics with gold threads or dark pattern silver threads?"

Song Jinghui carefully looked at the fabric displayed by the clerk on the pad, frowned and thought for a while, then suddenly smiled comfortably, raised his chin in the direction of Xie Jinnian, and motioned to the clerk, "He has the final say."

Han Yicheng's eyes trembled, and then he lowered his eyes.

Xie Jinnian also lowered his head when the clerk repeatedly called "Mr. Xie" and looked at the two fabrics listed on the pad.

It's just that his mind is so messed up that he can't tidy it up. In his eyes, there is no difference between the two fabrics. He had to sit down again and took the pad from the clerk.

A sound of light but determined footsteps passed not far from him, and as the automatic glass door of the store opened, it disappeared in all senses.

When I looked up again, there was no pressure to tear my heart in the space. The space became very large, and everything seemed to be separated by a layer. Song Jinghui's face with a smile and confirmation of details with the shop assistant seemed to be covered with fog.

It wasn't until Ji Yuchen pushed the door open, smiled and talked with Song Jinghui, hugged and patted each other's shoulders, that he realized that it was his eyes that were covered with fog.

Outside the huge glass window of the storefront is the lively and bustling street scene. There are countless people coming and going, and Han Yicheng has disappeared into the sea of ​​people.

Ji Yuchen called his brother a few times in a row, looked at Xie Jinnian in a daze outside the floor-to-ceiling window, turned around, looked at Ji Yuchen and Song Jinghui: "What's wrong?"

"Brother Jinghui just said that he wanted me to be the best man in his wedding, brother, do you agree?" Ji Yuchen asked.

Xie Jinian smiled and nodded at Song Jinghui and Ji Yuchen: "Of course it's OK."

Outside the floor-to-ceiling windows, on the opposite side of the main street with endless traffic, Han Yicheng stood behind the wide pillars of the rain-shelter promenade built for pedestrians, silently looking at the suit shop that he exhausted all his rationality to force himself to leave.

Seeing Ji Yuchen and Song Jinghui embracing and greeting each other like a family, watching Xie Jinian sitting on the sofa and talking to Ji Yuchen and Song Jinghui with a smile, that kind of warm daily harmony is something he has not seen for many years. Xie Jinnian got the preciousness from him.

For a moment, he didn't know whether to be grateful or blame Fu Nianheng.

If Fu Nianheng hadn't asked him to pick up the custom-made suit and bring it back to China, how could he see Xie Jinian again.

The moment when the four eyes met, the palpitation of the blood in the heart was completely drained, and the heartache when he heard the clerk say that Song Jinghui and Xie Jinian came for the wedding intertwined into a violent pull, pulling his heart out of his chest, and then Randomly stuffed it back.

pain.

It hurts beyond words.

The pain was so great that even if he pressed his heart hard, he still couldn't straighten up.

In the past two years, he has been able to control his respiratory symptoms more and more, but at this moment he still admits defeat.

But even though the pain was so painful that he couldn't control his breathing, he still couldn't help but stay across the street, just wanting to have one more look at Xie Jinian.

Another look.

Until the vision is completely lost and can no longer focus.

When it was almost time to get off work, Ji Yuchen walked into Xie Jinian's office with a document.

Putting the documents on the desk, Ji Yuchen looked at Xie Jinian, and asked puzzledly: "Brother, you have dark circles under your eyes. Did you chat with Brother Jinghui all night last night?"

"No." Xie Jinian rubbed the space between his brows, "Probably because he didn't sleep well."

"Are you having nightmares again?" Ji Yuchen frowned in concern, "You have been with Dr. Li for two years, but there is still no progress? Do you want to change to a psychiatrist? I'll ask Dr. Qi to introduce you."

Seeing Ji Yuchen hurriedly took out his phone to find a new psychiatrist for himself, Xie Jinian held up his phone and shook his head with a smile: "Dr. .”

"Really?" Ji Yuchen was not at ease.

"Don't worry. I have an appointment with Dr. Li today, and I'll go home after talking with him. You go home directly and have dinner with Dad." Xie Jinian made arrangements while opening the file Ji Yuchen brought over.

Nodding obediently, Ji Yuchen said: "My father and I will return to China in two days. I always feel uneasy leaving you alone in the United States."

"I'll be back in two months." Xie Jinian signed the document, handed it to Ji Yuchen, and said, "When I go back, I'll deal with the cemetery with you."

Dad has repeatedly emphasized that he will return to China and be buried with his mother.Grandpa has passed away, and the Xie family's attitude towards the two brothers has eased too much now, and the requirements for joint burials are not too strong, but they are not relaxed about the benefits exchanged.

Ji Bainian spared no expense, but Xie Jinian and Ji Yuchen didn't want to satisfy Xie's family.

"I know." Ji Yuchen took the document and thought about it for a while, "Fu Nianheng just informed me that Prayer International has officially controlled Fenghan International, and Han Dongzhou and Han Xiuqi will find no such person in Fenghan International."

Xie Jinian replied with his usual expression.

"In the holding press conference held by Prayer International next month, it will be announced that Ling Yinghe, who is well-known in the industry, will be the new CEO of Fenghan. From then on, Fenghan will be a part of the industrial chain layout of Prayer International." Ji Yuchen said.

"Very good." Xie Jinian responded indifferently, "The partner is thriving and developing steadily, which is not a bad thing for us."

"Fu Nianheng said that Han Yicheng..."

When mentioning Han Yicheng, Ji Yuchen hesitated and carefully looked at Xie Jinian's face, and seeing that he was still calm, he continued, "I didn't want to tell you, but the Ji family is rooted in China, and the relationship with Qi Nian International is indispensable. Fu Nianheng said that Han Yicheng suddenly talked to him last week that he would completely withdraw from the actual management of Qi Nian International, and realize all the shares or entrust him to hold them on behalf of him. He will no longer participate in any investment and expansion. Fu Nianheng asked me if I knew I know why. After all, Han Yicheng has always regarded his career as everything."

"However, Fu Nianheng doesn't know. How could we know? Maybe he found something more interesting than his career. And he quit the scope of cooperation with us, I think it's a good thing." Ji Yuchen picked up the file and walked out the door Go, "I handed the papers to the board and went home first."

After arriving at Li Bowen's clinic, the news that Ji Yuchen said that Han Yicheng had completely withdrawn was still lingering in Xie Jinian's mind.

This incident is by no means unusual.After all, he knows too well what career means to Han Yicheng.

After all, for the sake of his career, Han Yicheng once even used engagement as a bargaining chip in exchange.

The vague uneasiness in his heart gradually expanded, but he tried hard to suppress himself not to think that he and Han Yicheng had nothing to do with each other.

From the moment Han Yicheng decided to get engaged, from the moment he realized that they would only make him lose himself more and more when they were together, and Han Yicheng would only become less and less ignorant of how to love, their paths were destined to diverge and go to different places. directions, can no longer overlap.

After chatting with Li Bowen, Xie Jinian stayed alone in the consultation room for 15 minutes before leaving the room, but unexpectedly ran into Xie Fei in the waiting area.

Xie Fei was also quite surprised, who was idly swiping his phone, he immediately stood up, greeted Xie Jinian, and said in surprise: "I made an appointment with Jiayang, and he came over to deliver something to Dr. Li, I'm waiting for him .Are you... are you here for consultation?"

Li Bowen's observance of professional ethics is extremely reliable. Even if he is as familiar as Ye Jiayang, he probably never disclosed the situation of Xie Jinnian.Accidentally ran into Xie Fei, he didn't mean to hide anything, he just nodded naturally and replied: "I haven't slept well recently."

Complicated waves flashed in Xie Fei's eyes. Xie Jinian didn't intend to have a deep talk with him, so he nodded and said goodbye, then walked past Xie Fei and walked out of the glass door of the clinic.

Walking to the elevator room, he pressed the down button, and at the same time he was about to send Ji Yuchen the news that he was done and would be home soon, but there was a rush of footsteps behind him.

Looking back in surprise, he met Xie Fei's overly cautious gaze.

Xie Fei grabbed his wrist and said resolutely: "I have something to tell you. Find a place."

After greeting the nurse at the front desk and temporarily borrowing the consultation room he just left, Xie Jinian sat down on the sofa again, and Shu Lang said generously to Xie Fei: "What's the matter?"

"My feelings for you haven't changed." Xie Fei said directly without ambiguity at all, "If you don't have a partner now, I always want to explain my feelings to you again, if..."

"No ifs." Xie Jinian said without hesitation, "I've never had any special feelings for you, you really don't have to be so persistent."

"Really?" Xie Fei sighed deeply without concealing his regret.

Xie Jinian stood up: "If you finish what you want to say, I should go."

The moment Xie Jinian walked to the door of the consultation room, Xie Fei said again: "Is it because I can't, or, except for Han Yicheng, no one else can?"

Xie Jinian's shoulders were stiff and he didn't answer.

Xie Fei stepped over quickly, and grabbed his wrist from behind: "Just let me make up for being young and domineering back then... There is something that Li Bowen will not tell you, Jiayang does not want to tell you, this bad guy who reveals other people's privacy, I'll do it."

Turning around, keeping distance from Xie Fei, Xie Jinian shook his head: "I'm not interested in other people's privacy."

Xie Fei stared into his eyes, smiled wryly and shook his head: "Actually, I don't want you to know at all. But if I don't tell you, my guilt towards you may be even deeper."

Xie Jinian was startled, and said, "If it's about Han..."

"Han Yicheng seems to come to Li Bowen for treatment every month."

Before Xie Jinian refused, Xie Fei quickly said it, as if otherwise, he didn't have the strength to say it again.

"Jiayang and I ran into him several times. Li Bowen refused to reveal why he came, but what else could he do?" Xie Fei smiled calmly, "Have you not seen him for a long time? His condition... Jiayang and I looked at it and felt that it was not very good."

"Not so good... what do you mean?"

Xie Jinian hesitated, but still asked unnaturally.

"I can't tell, it feels like people are in front of me but not in the soul. When Jiayang and I saw him, he didn't seem to see us at all. It wasn't that kind of deliberately turning a blind eye, but he was just... like Self-enclosed. Or ask Li Bowen."

"Ask Bowen what?"

Ye Jiayang's voice came from outside the open door, followed by Li Bowen's voice: "Ask me... Han Yicheng?"

Before the two people in the room answered, Ye Jiayang said nervously: "Why mention him? Ah Nian finally got clean, don't mention it!"

He turned to Li Bowen: "You are an extremely professional psychiatrist with high professionalism, you will not reveal the patient's privacy, right?"

Li Bowen answered "Of course" momentarily, and then said to Xie Jinian, "Can you come to my office and have a chat?"

After closing the office door, Xie Jinian sat down on the chair in front of Li Bowen's desk, a little puzzled and a little nervous: "What are we going to talk about?"

Li Bowen took out an authorization document from the drawer and handed it to Xie Jinnian: "Han Yicheng has authorized you. At any time, if you want to know any details and details of his diagnosis and treatment with me, including his actual psychological state, you can do so without any delay." Unreservedly, fully and thoroughly disclose and explain to you."

Xie Jinnian's eyes fell on the end of the authorization letter, under Han Yicheng's vigorous signature, it was marked with the time six years ago.

He nodded his time: "It's been so long...is it still effective?"

"He has not officially revoked the authorization, and it has always been valid." Li Bowen said, "Do you want to know?"

Xie Jinian lowered his head and didn't speak, the hesitation and struggle between his brows and eyes pulled each other.Li Bowen sat quietly without disturbing.

After a long time, Xie Jinian raised his head. He looked at Li Bowen, still hesitating: "Do you have any suggestions for me?"

"As your friend, or your psychiatrist?" Li Bowen smiled brightly, "If it's Jiayang..."

He squeezed his throat and forced a higher volume: "His condition? Why do you want to understand his psychological condition? Ah Nian, why don't you pay attention to him? Let him go as far as you can !"

Li Bowen's ridicule made Xie Jinian relax a bit, and he also laughed out loud: "Jiayang wants to complain about us when he hears it."

"His complaints are not lethal." Li Bowen put down his hands and said with a smile.

Xie Jinian accepted the faint smile and asked, "What if the friend I'm asking is you?"

"If you ask me, I definitely suggest you listen to the advice of a psychiatrist." Li Bowen smiled and curled up his fingers, pointing to his heart, "After all, I have full confidence in your psychiatrist."

"My psychiatrist seems to have suggested last time, let me face it." Xie Jinian smiled wryly, "I..."

"Although I have authorization, my professional ethics does not allow me to take the initiative to inform, so I didn't tell you last time that you can learn about his current situation from me." Li Bowen entered a professional and serious state at work, "But I still hope that you You can break through the psychological barrier to understand his condition. After all, knowing his psychological status is a very positive and positive breakthrough for the psychological problems that plague you."

"As your friend Li Bowen, let me secretly ask your psychiatrist Li Bowen: Will Han Yicheng know that you have understood his current situation?"

"Dr. Li Bowen solemnly replied: No. I have no obligation or regulation to disclose to him."

It can be seen that Li Bowen is playing two roles and trying to make the atmosphere as relaxed as possible, and Xie Jinian also graciously tries to relax his tension and struggle as much as possible.

"You just listen to my case." Li Bowen said softly, "If you don't want to hear it, stop it at any time, okay?"

Xie Jinian was silent for a long time, and finally nodded.

Li Bowen ordered the nurse to bring two cups of coffee, and at the same time closed the office door.

"He is a person who doesn't know what the right way to love is. His family didn't teach him, and he didn't treat him in the right way, and his view of love is also caused by your past experiences, and he will overdo it. Connivance and over-emphasis make it unreasonable, no one knows this better than you..."

Even though the antecedents are clearer than anyone else, Li Bowen's way of introduction allowed him to have a safe distance from getting close to Han Yicheng's heart again, as if following Li Bowen's narration to understand a case of another person. Make him feel at ease.

"After you returned to the United States two years ago, he began to come to me once a month for psychotherapy. In fact, he didn't want to choose me at first. He was afraid that you would bump into him and be regarded as his deliberate approach. But he spent half a year looking for many authoritative psychiatrists, but he still couldn't do it."

"No?" Xie Jinian was startled, "Why?"

"He resisted." Li Bowen said, "He couldn't open himself up."

"So he could only come back to me in the end. Because you recognized me, he didn't resist me so much. But it also took a lot of time and energy... To be honest, he is the most extreme person I have met Case. His heart... If he didn't meet you at that time, he might be more paranoid and distorted. Only you can give him the feeling he can be sure of, and he can only give it to you. But your life is also very rough, and there is a gap in your heart , the two of you are afraid of losing, and the other is afraid of giving, blending together, unique, complementary, but sick.”

"Then you found out what was wrong with the relationship and it was painful, so you left. He was lost for a long time after that, feeling like he was doing something wrong, but he couldn't find out what was wrong. He Trapped in a situation where he couldn't get out, no one could answer his questions, and no one responded to him, so he became more and more paranoid, and he couldn't get out."

"He said that he had countless sharp thoughts, trying to pull you back regardless, and lock you up, so that only he can get close. He said, since it hurts, let the two of you hurt together. As long as he is with you, he will also I don't think the pain is unbearable."

"But he still used his reason to suppress this black paranoia. He knew why you chose to leave, so he knew that even if you were tied by your side, it would not change your mind. He knew how stubborn you are. He said, you You can stubbornly love him for so long, and you can also stubbornly give up in an instant. He who only uses possessiveness to dominate you. If you don’t want him like this, he can’t want him anymore. He said that the first half of your life was very difficult. It’s bitter, but meeting him may be even more bitter, so now that you have a family and love, let him forget it.”

"But his condition has not improved. Even though he already knows what is the correct attitude towards the relationship between you, his dead end is that you don't want him completely. He will never have time in his life. gone."

"He..." Xie Jinian took a deep breath, "Is he still waiting for me?"

"Just like you, you can't accept other people, you can't develop new and healthy relationships, and you are clearly separated on the surface, but you still compete with yourself in secret, you dare not get close, but you can't cut it clean." Li Bowen He said sharply, "Whether you are separated by jet lag or the sincerity that you don't know each other, in essence, you did not successfully leave, and he did not effectively retreat. You stayed where you were, and no one better than anyone else."

"But his condition has gotten worse since last week. Knowing that you're getting married..."

Xie Jinian interrupted Li Bowen's words with trembling lips: "No. He misunderstood. I don't want to get married."

He finally knew why he ran into Han Yicheng in the United States.Han Yicheng must have come to Li Bowen's clinic that day, and he must have misunderstood the object of Song Jinghui's wedding.

It was his original intention to let Han Yicheng know how to deal with himself and how not to be trapped in their unhealthy emotional state, but why was he so heartbroken when Han Yicheng finally got the right direction, and he finally got his wish to completely cut off from Han Yicheng? pain?

"He did misunderstand. It's more...worse."

"It's bad?" Xie Jinian raised his eyes, fixedly looking at Li Bowen, "How bad is it?"

"He has suffered from persistent insomnia for the past year and a half, and has been relying on prescription drugs to fall asleep. Recently, after misunderstanding that you are going to get married, he has some symptoms of auditory hallucinations, and his neurasthenia may become severe." Li Bowen said, "He has self-control. Very strong, no alcoholism, no drug dependence, no signs of turning into depression for the time being, but the psychological depression caused by long-term neurasthenia is inevitable, and the result may be more serious."

Xie Jinian asked in a deep voice, "How serious is it?"

"It's hard to say. People's psychology is complicated. It may collapse instantly, or it may remain strong forever." Li Bowen said in a low voice, "But the fact that you are getting married is indeed a heavy blow to him. He may... Will Can't stand it."

"I think you should know this situation because your psychological state will definitely be affected by his final situation." Li Bowen said, "But how to face the current situation is your freedom."

free.

Xie Jinian smiled wryly.

Six years ago, he felt that he couldn't take it anymore, thinking that if he left, he and Han Yicheng would be free.

But he didn't expect that he and Han Yicheng would still be in an inescapable circle of fate after walking around for three years, and then walking for another two years.

After being separated, he finally discovered that their hearts had gradually coexisted since they met when they were ten years old, and they could not be separated.In the end, he got such a result, as if the entanglement and pulling in the middle were all futile, which made him feel ironic.

But if he didn't go through these ups and downs, how could he realize that he hadn't left completely?

And now, what is his freedom?

Li Bowen raised his voice: "The choice you have to make now is how to get out of the trapped self. All your choices should be based on yourself. Han Yicheng's situation will make you feel self-blame, which is not healthy in itself."

He changed from gentle to serious: "Whether as your doctor or as your friend, I will not advise you what to do in this matter. I just want to remind you that it is best to follow your own Heart. Try not to be unwilling to make any choice.”

"Although I am not a very old psychiatrist, the cases I have seen are like mountains and seas. I can say responsibly that this unwillingness will dissipate with time and changes in mood, but more The case is stuck in the heart, until the time has passed, the past can no longer be recalled, and it becomes an eternal heart disease." Li Bowen sat up straight, picked up the coffee cup, "this kind of heart disease is the most difficult."

"But..." Xie Jinian said sadly, "How can I be sure that the choice is correct, or that I won't make the choice and still be unwilling?"

"It's up to you. All the choices, all the opportunities you give or take back, don't hurt others, but yourself." Li Bowen's tone was also quite bleak, "Congxin, A Nian."