paranoid dependence

The movement of Shen Nian's hands paused, and he looked into Gu Zhi's eyes. For the first time, he saw distinct pain in Gu Zhi's eyes. Even without mentioning a word, it was already felt.But he still endured it and covered it up with a smile.

He must have gone through a lot of bad things to make this little lunatic look vulnerable at this moment.

That is a scar that has never healed, and it is still bloody and bloody, otherwise the little lunatic would not be in such pain until now.

"I don't need to know." Shen Nian withdrew his hand and looked at Gu Zhi: "I just know that you are in pain."

Gu Zhi stared at Shen Nian, and laughed after a few seconds: "How does Nian Nian know that I'm in pain?"

"Your pain..." Shen Nian raised his hand to cover Gu Zhi's eyes looking at him, and said, "It's all written in the eyes."

Shen Nian felt Gu Zhi's eyes blink, eyelashes scratched his palms a little itchy, Shen Nian withdrew his hand, got up and was about to leave, but Gu Zhi grabbed his hand and shook it lightly: "Nian Nian wants Are you looking for Shen Chongshan?"

"Gu Zhi." Shen Nian looked at him: "You still have to settle the matter of going to school."

Gu Zhi didn't say anything more, let go of Shen Nian's hand in silence for a few seconds, and Shen Nian walked away.

Shen Chongshan was not in the small courtyard. When Shen Nian walked to the entrance of the courtyard, he found that Shen Chongshan was squatting at the entrance and smoking. Shen Nian was a little surprised. This seemed to be the first time he saw Shen Chongshan smoking. He always thought that Shen Chongshan would not smoking.

Hearing the sound of footsteps, Shen Chongshan turned his head to look at Shen Nian, with a smile on his face, although it looked a bit forced.He extinguished the unfinished cigarette under his feet, and asked Shen Nian: "Have you finished eating? Is it okay? Dad hasn't cooked for a long time, and I don't know if he is familiar with crafts."

"It's delicious." Shen Nian stepped over and squatted down beside Shen Chongshan. It was time for dinner, the temperature was low, Jianjia Lane was empty and there was no one there, only them.

Shen Nian saw that Shen Chongshan put the unfinished half cigarette back into the cigarette case, there was still a faint smell of tobacco in the air, Shen Nian didn't respond yet, Shen Chongshan raised his hand and waved it, Shen Nian looked at him With dry and cracked hands dangling in front of his eyes, he suddenly realized that Shen Chongshan was old, even though he was only in his early 40s.

"Smoking is bad for your health, so don't smoke if you can." Shen Nian said.

Shen Chongshan seemed a little surprised that Shen Nian would say this to himself, nodded, and put away the cigarette case: "Smoking a cigarette to refresh yourself after a long time in the sports car, not often."

When he said that, Shen Nian couldn't persuade him any more. He just looked at Shen Chongshan's emaciated and protruding mandible, and said: "You have lost a lot of weight, is it too hard? Making money is important, but you can't ignore it. Body."

Shen Chongshan laughed: "It's not hard work, it's just that the amount of activity is too much. It's not thin, it's all muscle."

Shen Nian didn't say anything, but Shen Chongshan's mood seemed much better:

"I still have work to do in two days, but the distance is short, and I will be back in half a month, just in time for the Chinese New Year. I have done my school work in the past two days, so I can't stay at home all the time. wait."

"En." Shen Nian responded and fell silent.

Shen Chongshan didn't know what to say anymore, he wanted to touch the cigarette a little bit, but thinking of what Shen Nian said to him just now, he took his hand back and just squatted down looking at the empty alley.

"Go back." Shen Chongshan looked at Shen Nian: "Your body is just right, it's cold outside, go inside and stay."

"You should go back too." Shen Nian said, "Don't catch a cold."

"It's okay, Dad has something to go out." Shen Chongshan got up after finishing speaking: "Go back quickly."

After saying these words, Shen Chongshan left, but Shen Nian never got up, and kept looking at Shen Chongshan's back. The thick cotton clothes on his body were already worn out, and cotton wadding was exposed at the hem.He has really lost a lot of weight, his walking posture is not as straight as before, life has crushed him, and his home has not made him feel comfortable, he is aging at a speed that Shen Nian can't imagine.

When Shen Nian got up and returned to the north room, Gu Zhi was sitting at the desk reading the questions. Seeing that Shen Nian was obviously worried, he couldn't take his eyes off Shen Nian. Shen Nian didn't go back to the desk to give Gu Zhi guidance After homework, he lay back on the bed directly, Gu Zhi sat sideways on the chair and looked at Shen Nian. He didn't know what he said to Shen Chongshan, but Shen Nian didn't seem very happy.

Gu Zhi got up and walked over to squat down beside the bed, lying beside Shen Nian and looking at Shen Nian:

"What's wrong with Nian Nian?"

Shen Nian didn't speak, looked at the ceiling, Gu Zhi followed Shen Nian's line of sight and looked over, but there was nothing to see except the chandelier, so he turned his gaze back to look at Shen Nian: "Nian Nian and What did he say?"

"Gu Zhi." Shen Nian said, "I'm thinking about one thing."

"what?"

"What did Shen Chongshan do wrong?"

Gu Zhi didn't respond, he looked at Shen Nian without changing his expression, maybe Shen Nian felt his gaze, or maybe he just wanted to ask someone, so he turned his head to look at Gu Zhi, his eyes were puzzled , and asked again:

"What did Shen Chongshan do wrong?"

Gu Zhi frowned: "There are many things you want me to say, leaving you alone at home, not caring enough for you, making you wronged, not trusting you, not knowing how to take care of you when you are sick, not knowing how to comfort you when you are sad , never fulfilled the responsibility of being a father..."

"But he is not my biological father." Shen Nian looked at Gu Zhi and interrupted him: "In this case, did he do something wrong?"

Gu Zhi was silent for a few seconds before slowly opening his mouth: "Nian Nian already has the answer, doesn't she?"

"He didn't do anything wrong." Shen Nian sat up: "I did something wrong. I placed my expectations on a father on him, expecting him to respond to my expectations like other fathers. , but I neglected that he was not my father, he just kindly accepted me and raised me when my mother didn't want me, gave me food, clothing, and schooling, which my mother didn't even give me. But Shen Chongshan gave it, I can't blame him because he gave it but didn't give me the best, right?"

Shen Nian looked at Gu Zhi: "Without him, I don't know if I'm still alive."

Gu Zhi seemed to understand something from Shen Nian's words. He still maintained the posture of squatting and lying on the bedside, but because Shen Nian got up and sat cross-legged, he was now lying on his lap, even It was a little close to Shen Nian's feet, he sniffed vigorously, and Shen Nian withdrew his feet.

Gu Zhi smiled: "It's tasteless."

The topic was diverted, and Shen Nian's mood eased a little, he was not so heavy and out of breath as before.

Gu Zhi raised his head and looked at him: "Nian Nian is really kind and soft-hearted. Every time I feel that your soft-heartedness has reached its limit, but next time you will still make me wonder why there is such a soft-hearted person."

"Is it soft-hearted?"

"Yes." Gu Zhi stretched out his finger and scratched Shen Nian's knee: "Nian Nian is the most soft-hearted person in the world."

"So it's just soft-hearted, what I said is not right?"

"Does Nian Nian want to listen to my opinion? Are you sure? I'm a little lunatic."

"Where are you crazy now?" Shen Nian said: "In front of me, you are at best a little fox."

"Little fox?" Gu Zhi laughed: "I like it, I like it when you call me that, even if it's a fox, it's still your own fox."

Shen Nian looked at him without speaking, but Gu Zhi got up and sat next to Shen Nian, looking at the window directly opposite, the weather was fine today, the sun fell on the desk through the glass window, and the dust floating in the light He could see clearly, so he looked at the beam of light and said:

"Niannian forgives him, right?"

"I still don't have any expectations for him, because I know he can't give me any response." Shen Nian also looked at the light, his voice was very soft: "I just think that if it wasn't for me, his life might be different." Much better than now. When you said those words to him today, I felt a faint pleasure and felt relieved, but looking back, why should I? He may have tried his best, but he can only do so. "

Some people are naturally slower than others, not sensitive enough, and not good at expressing themselves. He has obviously tried his best, but it is not enough for others, but it cannot be said that he is not working hard enough.

Originally, Shen Chongshan could not have taken on this responsibility, but he took it on, and it wasn't all his fault that he didn't do his best.

Any relationship requires communication. If Shen Nian tells Shen Chongshan all his needs, Shen Chongshan can do it too. He is the kind of person who will not take the initiative to give, but is never stingy when asked for it. It's just that it's slower than others, which can't be helped.

But in this relationship, Shen Nian never said what he wanted. He always put himself in the position of an adopted son and expected Shen Chongshan to love him like his biological father. It's not fair.

So, don't blame anyone, and you can't blame anyone. They are all responsible for what they are now.

"Let's live a normal life from now on. I won't have the mentality I have today, and I want him to relax." Shen Nian said: "He is tired enough outside."

The world of children is easily not understood by adults, but children may not be able to understand the world of adults.

Be considerate of each other, it will be easier.

"I understand." Gu Zhi looked sideways at Shen Nian: "According to Nian Nian's thinking, Shen Chongshan doesn't owe me anything, you are still his adopted son, but I'm just a friend's son. I brought it back to give me a home, and even because I can ignore you, I should have been satisfied."

Shen Nian looked at Gu Zhi, and Gu Zhi smiled at him: "He didn't do what he promised me, but it's also because of this that I can know your goodness and become your only one. Maybe he brought me back and gave up on me. , just to let me meet you."

"I don't blame him anymore." Gu Zhi said, "I want to be the same as Nian Nian."

"I didn't ask you to do this." Shen Nian said, with an imperceptible smile on his face, Gu Zhi saw it, and knew that his decision made Shen Nian comfortable.

"Yes, Nian Nian didn't ask me to do this, it's because I don't want to target anymore, if you continue like this, you might not even be able to eat well." Gu Zhi got up and stood in front of Shen Nian: "I didn't eat enough at noon. Right? I left some food for you, so I'll bring you something to eat, okay?"

It's true that Shen Nian didn't eat much at noon, it's no wonder he could eat in such an atmosphere, but he's not hungry now, just seeing Gu Zhi's eyes full of him, Shen Nian couldn't say no to it, It will also make people happy if the friendship that goes out is accepted and properly placed.

"Okay." Shen Nian said.

Gu Zhi went out the door with a smile, Shen Nian sat by the bed and remembered the words Gu Zhi said to himself at the dinner table, he asked himself if he wanted to know the reason why he became a lunatic.

Shen Nian is also curious, it's not that he doesn't want to know about the past, he even has his own guesses, but what's the difference if he knows or not?

Gu Zhi's pain won't disappear just because he said it, but it will hurt even more because he reopened the wound, and he probably won't be able to help him.

What's more, Gu Zhi was just asking casually, he might not really want to say, these days getting along let Shen Nian understand that if Gu Zhi really wanted Shen Nian to know something, he would not ask his own opinion at all, he wanted to say Just say it directly.

He asked because he hadn't thought about it himself.

But if he asks, it means that he has the intention to tell himself.What does this represent, Shen Nian is unwilling to think deeply.

He and Gu Zhi are getting along very well now, Shen Nian intends to maintain this status quo.

Shen Chongshan came back near the evening, and he came back with a tractor. When Shen Nian and Gu Zhi heard the voice and came out of the room, Shen Chongshan just entered the door. It probably happened during lunch. There are still shadows, so I just looked at the two of them and said nothing else, and then cleaned up the open space in the east flower pond by myself.

"What is Dad doing?" Shen Nian asked.

"I bought a carload of coal." Shen Chongshan said while tidying up: "This year is too urgent, and there are too many things to think about what you will do in winter. Although it is halfway through, it will take a few days to warm up. "

There were not many things in the open space, so they packed them up in a short while. The master who delivered the coal began to dump the things from the door to the open space with a small cart. Shen Chongshan didn't help, and moved the things unloaded from the back of the tractor to the small In the courtyard, he glanced at Gu Zhi, then hurriedly avoided his eyes, and said to Shen Nian:

"The bed in your room is too narrow. It's a bit crowded for two people to sleep in. I bought a bunk bed and I'll assemble it for you later. It will keep you warm and make you sleep more comfortably."

Shen Nian remembered that the day after Gu Zhi first arrived at home, Shen Chongshan did tell himself that he wanted to buy a bunk bed for him and Gu Zhi to use the air conditioner together. Shen Nian knew that Shen Chongshan really thought so, but later he didn't know what Gu Zhi said. What, Shen Chongshan never mentioned this matter again.

But Shen Nian never thought that even though it was more than a year late, he still bought the bunk bunk.

It's just that Gu Zhi looked a little uncomfortable, Shen Nian looked sideways, Gu Zhi noticed that his gaze was also looking over, and said softly, "I want to squeeze into the same bed with you more than bunk beds."

closer.

Shen Nian didn't hear this sentence, but he thought it was quite good, two people squeezed together on the same bed is not the same thing.

Later in the day, Gu Zhi and Shen Nian moved the single bed out of the room, tossed up and down the bunks in the room, and Shen Chongshan went to light a fire for heating.

The double bed came with installation instructions, and it was not difficult to install. It took two people about an hour to knock and knock. The expressions all looked a little cautious, with obvious flattery.

But he is the head of the family, the elder, there is no need for this.

"No need." Shen Nian said: "It's almost done, you go and rest for a while."

"Okay." Shen Chongshan didn't come in, stood at the door and watched them work for a while, and then left after making sure that they really didn't need help. Gu Zhi glanced at the direction of the door and didn't say anything. Another half hour has passed.

Shen Nian was on the lower bunk, Gu Zhi was sleeping on the upper bunk, the electric blanket was still on Shen Nian's bed, Gu Zhi said, "I'll climb down when it's cold at night."

Shen Nian said hello, but when he turned to leave, Gu Zhi grabbed Shen Nian's hand and asked when Shen Nian looked back at him:

"Will you still live on campus after Niannian?"

In Gu Zhi's eyes, no matter how much he concealed the obvious expectation, Shen Nian responded to his expectation in such a line of sight, saying:

"I can't stop, I'm going home."