Attempted first love

The window of Xia Yan's house is easy to identify, because it is the only floor-to-ceiling window in the whole building.After turning on the light, the bright block is much larger than other households.

Lu Zhouyu once stood downstairs and looked up several times, from the osmanthus trees at the entrance of the corridor in full bloom to the end.But never have I been as anxious as today.

The evening wind in late autumn began to cool down, and the fuzzy green bushes were rustling. A little further away, the children playing in the basketball court also came home one after another.

The neighborhood became very quiet.

The shadow behind the window is motionless, as if it has become a real shadow, neither breathing nor speaking, and may leave at any time, or hide into the night.

Before waiting for an answer, Lu Zhouyu changed his hand to hold the phone, raised his head and asked again: "How are you?"

After a long time, Xia Yan said softly: "You still said..." He was halfway through his words, and then asked: "Why?"

On the way from the hospital, Lu Zhouyu thought that Xia Yan might reject him, and also thought that Xia Yan would not give him another chance, but after nearly two hours of walking, he couldn't think of how to save him.

It was because he himself was timid and hesitant, and he only woke up when he heard the closing bell, and he couldn't blame others for failing.But he still wants to fight for it, at least let Xia Yan know that he doesn't care.

"That necklace," Lu Zhouyu paused, "I saw it, but I didn't dare to ask, so I pretended not to know."

"Why don't you ask?"

"Because I'm afraid you really like him."

"How is it possible... I have already returned it to Shen Qi."

"Ah."

There is a public seat under the street lamp not far away. After standing for a long time, Lu Zhouyu's limbs became a little stiff. He moved around for a while, still looked up at the window, and said: "I went back to England, but I just wanted to take the goldfish away." Bring it back for you."

The shadow behind the window swayed slightly, as if leaning forward, trying to see the movement downstairs clearly, when a very vague "hmm" came from the receiver, and it was unclear whether it was a question or a statement.

"I waited in London for four days, passing the Thames River every day, the sunset was beautiful, and seagulls flocked. I have walked that road countless times since I was in school," he recalled those bright and strong colors, and his state of mind at that time, " But for the first time, I wanted to share it with others.”

"...with whom?"

"With you."

"Then why not?"

"I don't dare," a leaf fell from Lu Zhouyu's face, and he caught it with his open palm, looking down at the veins of the leaf, "I didn't know you liked me too."

"Also?" Paused as if suddenly stuck, Lu Zhouyu put the phone closer, afraid of missing Xia Yan's voice, it took a long time to hear him ask softly: "What do you mean?"

"It's not that I don't care, I care and I like you very much."

After speaking, he looked up again, and there was no one behind the window that was much brighter than the surrounding area.

"Xia Yan?"

"……Um."

"Are you listening?"

"exist."

"Can I go up?"

"No," Xia Yan said, his voice muffled, as if he wanted to cry, "Can you stop talking for now, I want to slow down for a while."

"Don't go either," he added, "just for a while."

Lu Zhouyu said "Okay", he took two steps to the side, wanted to sit down and rest, thought for a while, and then returned to the original place, which was the place he could see from the window at a glance.

When Xia Yan went downstairs to the entrance of the unit, he saw Lu Zhouyu was holding the phone in one hand, while looking up, he almost merged with the trees behind him.

The sensor lights in the corridor were off, so he didn't notice Xia Yan, and kept the agreement and didn't speak.

There was a gust of wind blowing, and the leaves of some shrubs flew towards him. Xia Yan turned off the mute, stood in the shadow of the corridor, and called him on the phone: "Lu Zhouyu."

"Well," Lu Zhouyu brushed away the broken leaves in front of his eyes, and replied, "I'm here."

"Can you repeat what you just said?"

"I said it's not that I don't care," Lu Zhouyu said, his voice was deeper and slower than last time, "I care a lot, and I like you very much."

"You lied." Xia Yan said.

I don’t know who suddenly heard the sound of a piano. It was very loud in the quiet night, and the lights in the corridor were also awakened. Lu Zhouyu heard the sound and looked over. Xia Yan looked at him, walked out holding the phone, and repeated it again. ,"you're lying."

"In the morning, you obviously wanted to say goodbye."

More than ten hours have passed, Xia Yan still feels dazed when he mentions it again, his heart and voice are trembling.

"Xia Yan," Xia Yan heard Lu Zhouyu's voice coming from the receiver, and he was standing not far away, but did not approach, "I didn't think that way."

"Then you said you like it," Xia Yan asked, "you don't think so?"

"It's true that I like it," Lu Zhouyu seemed to smile, or it might just be a breathless sound. Xia Yan couldn't see his face clearly, but he heard him say: "The reason why I returned to China to take over the project of the Mirage Art Museum is because It is your responsibility to see this exhibition."

Xia Yan was stunned for a second, "What?"

"You said on your social account that if this exhibition cannot be held, your hard work will be ruined," Lu Zhouyu said to himself in the dim night scene, "I just want to help."

"... When did you pay attention to me?"

"It's early, sorry, I know it's not good."

Xia Yan wanted to say that it's okay, social platforms are for people to see, and he doesn't mind who is watching, but he said: "Why do you follow me?"

"I didn't know at that time." Lu Zhouyu didn't continue, as if thinking and phrasing.

The sound of the piano aroused the dissatisfaction of the neighbors around. Someone opened a window behind him and criticized loudly. Xia Yan took a few steps forward and continued to listen silently.

"It's like I don't know why I want to kiss you on the mountain." Lu Zhouyu's voice was a little hoarse. He held the phone, but it was more like talking face to face, with a sincere expression, "I want to see you, go to class with you, watch a movie, you Seeing half of me falling asleep against me, I dare not move, for fear of waking you up, and I don’t want you to wake up.”

"……Um."

"I didn't know that these were likes at the time, but I didn't dare to fight for them later. You should feel bad about me."

"I don't feel bad for you, I just..." Xia Yan wanted to communicate, but his brain was so confused that he couldn't think, "I don't know."

It seems that except for the brain, the body can't move anymore, so I can only watch Lu Zhouyu peel off from the bushes behind him, and slowly approach him. There are still unknown dead leaves on his shoulders, and the breath of the whole person is cold .Xia Yan felt that he didn't arrive "just now" as he said, but he didn't ask.

Instinctively, Xia Yan raised his arm unconsciously to brush off the leaves on his shoulders, and in the next second, his palm was held.

As if confirming Xia Yan's conjecture, Lu Zhouyu's palm had almost no temperature, so it could not be regarded as a grip, but more like a mechanical part, which stuck his hand into two pieces of metal, very stiff, but very careful.

"Try for a while longer." Lu Zhouyu rubbed Xia Yan's tiger's mouth with a dry thumb, "I won't run away anymore, and pretend I don't care anymore."

Xia Yan never thought of ending it voluntarily, but Lu Zhouyu's words today far exceeded his cognition and imagination, not without surprise, but more confused and unbelievable.

Seeing that Xia Yan was silent, Lu Zhouyu didn't give him too much time to breathe and clear his mind, and said a little anxiously: "You don't want to try...it's okay. But can you give me a chance and let me fight hard. "

"It's like a dream." Xia Yan lightly touched the side of Lu Zhouyu's face with his other hand, touched the stubble that had just sprouted, and said, "I thought we were going to die this morning. Now you're saying this all of a sudden."

"sorry--"

"I never thought of being separated from you." Xia Yan said bluntly.

He doesn't feel that he is a victim in the relationship, and liking itself is something that people can't help, and it is impossible to analyze, measure, and estimate the cost and return fairly.

I also don't want to put myself in a high position because of Lu Zhouyu's lowered posture at the moment, care about the gains and losses in the past, and make unreasonable demands.

Because he still likes it.

"But I... can't seem to believe it all at once, I can't believe it." Xia Yan said, "Maybe you think I lost control of my emotions in the morning, and what I said is pitiful, so..."

"What I said is true, but I didn't do it well. You should not believe it. I will change it in the future and gradually convince you." Lu Zhouyu asked softly, "Okay?"

He said that in the future, Xia Yan didn't dare to think about the Empress Dowager's affairs before, so he couldn't answer, so he continued to hold his hand.The street lights were dimly on, and two blurred shadows were drawn, but they were much closer than in the restaurant in the morning, and the edges almost merged.

"Why don't you pinch me," Xia Yan smiled easily, "I believe this is true."

"Really?" Lu Zhouyu also seemed to smile, and squeezed his hand tightly, but did not pinch, "I didn't want you to believe it right now. If you want to calm down and go see your parents, I will wait for you to come back. No I will leave without saying goodbye, so that you can't find me."

"It can't be turned off either."

"No, I'll call you every day."

Xia Yan looked up at Lu Zhouyu and said "Okay", the piano sound stopped and the quarrel disappeared, he held Lu Zhouyu's hand back, and said: "I don't want you to give me anything specially, sympathy is fine. It doesn't matter if you make up for what you owe, as long as you like it."

"Is that all right?" he asked.

There was some confusion in Lu Zhouyu's eyes, as if he couldn't distinguish these emotions, but he said firmly, "Okay, I will try my best."

Looking at each other for a moment, Lu Zhouyu slowly approached, with the tip of his nose pressed against the tip of his nose. His skin was as cold as the first layer of ice on the river in early winter, but his breath and words were scorching hot.

"Can I kiss you now?" he asked, then added after a pause, "It's not compensation."

In late autumn at the end of October, Xia Yan seemed to hear the first crack of ice in spring, followed by the gurgling of the stream. Even in the deepest night, he knew where it flowed into the river.

He nodded and leaned forward to kiss her.