God said I would meet you

"No... I really can't do it, I can't do it."

The asphalt road is unobstructed and wide, and the air is fresh on all sides. The leaves of the camphor tree are shining green under the bright sun, but Lin Jinyu is leaning on the rough dark-brown tree trunk by the side of the road, bent over, with a chest tightness and shortness of breath. Looks exhausted.

"Jinyu," Zhang Xinli said, "you can do it, let's go for a while."

The rough trunk was scorched by the sun, but Lin Jinyu just kept saying, "No, I can't go."

No matter during the internship or after graduation, he has never been close to his home. That place is like a taboo in his heart, like a cage for ogres, and he will be eaten if he approaches it.

"When you came here for the first time, you came to the last intersection." Zhang Xinli pulled his wrist to make him stand up, and said, "Nothing happened. You have already experienced it."

"That time... I didn't know you were going to take me back."

Psychological problems are so miraculous. When a person does not know, he can obviously do it, but once he knows and has a concept, what can be done is really impossible.

Lin Jinyu began to resist passively. No matter what Zhang Xinli said, he just refused to straighten up and go forward. He would just keep saying, "I can't do it... I really can't do it, or next time, next time I might be in the right place." Enough."

Zhang Xinli said, "Last time, you said the same thing."

This was Lin Jinyu's third attempt to go home, but the result was still unsatisfactory.

Not only did he not go farther than the first time, but he was even more unable to walk. The first time Zhang Xinli was considerate of his initial attempt and did not force him.

"No, I really don't... I'll die if I keep walking." Lin Jinyu only felt that his breathing quickened with every step he took. The closer he was to home, the more he was afraid of meeting someone he shouldn't meet—although from a scientific point of view , the possibility is very small, but that sense of fear just lingers in his heart.

"You won't die," Zhang Xinli insisted that he go: "I promise."

"You're guaranteed to be a fart," Lin Jinyu felt like she was going to collapse after repeated tug-of-war, and finally said angrily, "Don't force me! You don't know...you don't know what it feels like!"

People who are not sick really can't really empathize with the sick, that huge, overwhelming feeling of pressure, sadness, and self-defeating.Zhang Xinli has been forcing him to face it with a tough stance, and Lin Jinyu would verbally blame him and attack him emotionally, which was expected by both of them.

"I really don't know what it feels like," Zhang Xinli didn't let go: "I'm sorry, but I'm up to you to blame me as much as you want after I go back. I just... want to be with you for the rest of my life and get your family's blessing."

Although Zhang Xinli said, "I'll blame you as much as you want", they all knew that as soon as they went back, Lin Jinyu would recover immediately, and they would never blame him.

He said, "Jinyu, don't you want to? Don't you want to bear with this?"

"..."

This kind of pressure cannot be overwhelmed by the three fluffy words of "bear it, bear it". Everyone who says "bear it and it will pass" to patients with moderate to severe depression is a bit of an idiot, but——Lin Jinyu, after listening, take a rest After a few seconds, he said, "...for a lifetime, that's great. I... think about it, really want to."

"Then stand up and move forward," Zhang Xinli said, "I know it can't be done overnight. Today's plan is just to walk across the road where you can see your neighborhood, okay?"

Lin Jinyu supported the tree trunk, bent over, lowered her head completely, looked at the ground, and murmured, "...just across the way, why don't you go in?"

"I won't go in," although Zhang Xinli will go in one day, but Zhang Xinli doesn't mention it now, only saying: "I promise."

Lin Jinyu swallowed, took a deep breath, and finally started to walk.

The roads in the city are regular and the sidewalks are flat and wide. Walking from one place to another seems really simple, but it is so difficult for Lin Jinyu.He walked very slowly and hesitantly, as if he was about to run away in a second. Zhang Xinli didn't say a word, just stayed by his side.He failed to face Lin Jinyu together when he came out, and he will never repeat the same mistakes this time.

"I'm so scared... I met my parents suddenly... I'm also afraid of meeting Uncle Zhao, Mrs. Zhou, and my neighbors..." After walking for a while, Lin Jinyu felt numb in his hands and feet. Met... people I know, I don't want to go, I don't want to go..."

There is only such a large area of ​​activity for one person, and most people repeat their unchanging ordinary life at two or three o'clock and one line at a time. Every time Lin Jinyu takes a step, he feels that he will meet his father in the next second. This feeling can drive him crazy.

"No," Zhang Xinli kept encouraging him: "You can do it, you have come a long way, Jinyu, you are a brave person, if you didn't promise to do your best, then grit your teeth and do your best. I remember what troubled you Those things? Like self-identity, fear that others would know our relationship, and even Zhao Wujie... At that time, you felt that everything was hard to get through, there was no way, didn’t you, but now that you think about it, what is it?”

Now that I think about it, it's really not a big deal, not even a fart.

Zhang Xinli talked a lot today, Lin Jinyu listened to his voice, gritted his teeth and walked towards home.

It's really difficult... Chest tightness, shortness of breath, fingers trembling, as if he and the house suddenly became the same poles of a magnet, and there was a huge repulsive force pushing him out.

"I...I really think I'm going to meet...I don't want to...I'm not ready yet, don't..."

After a lot of painful struggle, Lin Jinyu finally passed the last intersection, and then went straight down to the community he hadn't seen for several years. Victory was in sight, but he finally couldn't bear the huge pressure in his heart. The car went to the side of the street and knelt down with his head in his arms: "I will meet my dad, I will definitely meet my dad... my dad will look at me with that kind of eyes... keep saying that I am sick..."

"You're not sick. I know this, and you know it too." The gentle encouragement seemed to have lost its effect. Zhang Xinli wanted to pull him up, but he failed after pulling him twice. He could only squat down, put his hands on his shoulders, and said : "It's broad daylight, and your dad has always been very busy. Whenever he has time, he doesn't do anything and stays on the opposite side of the house. Lin Jinyu, there are more than 2000 million people in Shanghai. Do you think you are the chosen one, and you can meet whoever you want."

Lin Jinyu felt that something was blocked in her throat. The thing was as hard as a stone and as salty as a blood clot.

Only a few steps away from home, the pressure in his heart seemed to have reached the limit he could bear. Not only that, but Lin Jinyu also had a newly born feeling of being watched.

He felt that his father was watching him, his every move, his father was watching.This is undoubtedly impossible, his rationality knows, but that feeling cannot be eliminated like maggots attached to the bone. Psychological fear, rejection, pressure, and anxiety caused a series of physiological reactions. He felt chest tightness and a strong sense of suffocation. , his hands were shaking constantly, and salty saliva appeared in his throat.

"Xiaoyu, Xiaoyu," there was a huge crowd of people in the city center and pedestrians on the side of the road. Zhang Xinli ignored the eyes of others, wrapped his arms around Lin Jinyu's shoulders, pressed him into his arms, let him lean on him, and said, "Calm down, it's okay." Yes, I'm here with you."

A long time ago, since the first diagnosis, the doctor asked him a series of questions, including whether he had suicidal urges, whether he felt being watched, whether he always felt that someone was going to kill you, and whether he could not help worrying that it would never happen. What a catastrophe Lin Jinyu had been answering all along. Now the things that Lin Jinyu had been answering had begun to invade his reason. Zhang Xinli could not acquiesce to his retreat now. To retreat would be tantamount to a complete defeat.

If he doesn't overcome this time, Lin Jinyu may not be able to get rid of this state after returning, and he may completely deteriorate under the stimulation.

Lin Jinyu pressed her eyes with the heels of both hands, and clenched her teeth tightly. Without looking around or saying a word, Zhang Xinli couldn't stop calling him by his nickname, half-circling him, putting his cheek on him, and kissing him gently with his lips. He frowned, trying to calm him down in every possible way.

In the clear sky and broad daylight, people passing by could tell that these two people were abnormal at a glance. Many passers-by who passed each other briefly cast their gazes, but Zhang Xinli didn't care at all.

He only had Lin Jinyu in his eyes.

From the moment he decided to take him home, Zhang Xinli considered a lot. Of course, he could save a lot of troublesome steps. By contacting his little cousin and testing Lin Huainan's attitude, he directly asked Lin Jinyu to meet his father.The only son didn't come home for two or three years, he believed that Lin Huainan's attitude would not be exactly the same as before.

But that was passive contact. Zhang Xinli didn't dare to take the risk and not lure Lin Jinyu to change his mentality first, and let him communicate with his father directly. If there was another dispute, even if it was only a little bit, Lin Jinyu who was passively pushed forward was very likely. Completely disappointed, I no longer believe that I can get out of the shadows.

From a psychological point of view, the first time is always very important, and it will have an irreplaceable important impact on people. Lin Jinyu must first adjust her mentality, from passive avoidance to active, willing to believe that there is a reconciliation between herself and her father possible.

The scorching sun was in the sky, and the time passed by every minute. Zhang Xinli was exposed to the sun, dripping sweat dripping from his cheeks along the sideburns and jawline. In this hot, steaming heat, he stayed where he was all the time. , patiently gave him unlimited time.

No matter how many minutes or hours, he will wait.

Finally, after an unknown period of time, a cloud floated from nowhere in the blue sky, blocking the scorching sun. Lin Jinyu finally took his hand away and took a look at Zhang Xinli.

He seemed to be choked with sobs, but somehow he raised his head. Zhang Xinli knew that this was a sign that he was recovering. He continued to hug him like this for a while, and then said, "It's better, right? Look, it can pass."

Lin Jinyu didn't speak, but leaning against him, she seemed a little attached, as if Zhang Xinli had given him some strength.

After saying this, the two of them didn't say a word.After a while, Zhang Xinli held his hand, stood up slowly, and guided him to continue walking.

Walking through the last bend along the road was the end of the trip. Lin Jinyu still didn't speak, but he didn't resist either. Zhang Xinli held him tightly, his hand was so firm and powerful.

Over the years, the gate of the community has not been expanded, and it is still the way Lin Jinyu remembers it. The small supermarket next to the community where Lin Jinyu and Zhang Xinli often go to buy snacks and beer is gone, replaced by a bank self-service outlet, and Lin Jinyu’s favorite coffee shop is still there. In the past, on weekends, he was bored at home, and he would often invite a few classmates to write there with homework.

Everything was strange and familiar. When Lin Jinyu, who was unwilling to come back in every possible way, finally returned here, all the emotions along the way seemed to have disappeared. He just held Zhang Xinli by the hand and stood there, staring at the front of him in a daze. scene.

At that moment, he suddenly understood where his rejection came from. It wasn't really fear or disgust, but he was more timid because of his hometown.

There is a steady stream of vehicles on the road, three or two people are queuing in front of the self-service machine at the bank, there are many people in the renovated cafe, and a woman with a long ponytail is sitting in front of the transparent glass window, and the glass in front of her has never moved coffee, and the drop-shaped white mother-of-pearl earrings in the ear look like a drop of tear.