Shiva

[Rasa].

I looked for Calcutta on the map. New Delhi was on this side, and it was on the other side. I measured it with my palm, and it was exactly one and a half.

Shen Xu and I were the only ones who flew to Calcutta to take a bath. When we arrived at the Ganges Bath, the weather was not good, and there were signs of heavy rain. We handed over the money to the caretaker in the wooden shed, wrapped in bath towels ( It’s really like a tourist) I stepped on the sand along the river, the river surface was yellow, and I walked against the wind. At this time, I must not investigate the material composition under my feet.

Just now in the locker room, when I was wondering whether to take off my underwear, Shen Xu had already taken off all his clothes calmly, the thing was dormant, not as polite as his appearance, I hurriedly stopped talking, Shen Xu chuckled behind me.He did whatever he wanted, which made me look stingy, so I imitated him and stripped off, thinking something was wrong, I quickly grabbed a bath towel and wrapped it up.

The surface layer of the Ganges is warmed by the atmospheric temperature, but it gets colder as you go deeper. I pursed my lips tightly, trying not to let the river flow into the mouth. Shen Xu lay on his back on the water with half of his hair floating and Twisting and sticking to the side of his face, he looked at me from under his eyelids and said Xiaojin, relax a little.

"If you drink this one, you may drink more than 100 Indians." I exhaled with difficulty, "I always feel weird."

"No matter how many Indians you eat, you can't become an Indian."

"What if?" I raised my head, "When I wake up tomorrow, I find that I have become an Indian, an Indian who can only say 'naduli'."

"Then what should I do?" Shen Xu followed my train of thought, "It doesn't match the passport photo, so I can't go back."

"Stay here and get a job next to Shiva, cleaning or something."

Shen Xu laughed twice: "Do you think cleaners are very popular in India?"

"I'm just kidding you." I started to think seriously, "Of course the cleaners can't make any money, but selling yoga classes seems to make a lot of money."

"Chinese people are really born businessmen." Shen Xu joked, "I love money too."

"Really? Mr. Shen is my guide, but he confiscates my money."

"You're different." Shen Xu straightened up in the water, opened a pack of plastic-packed shampoo, put it in his palm and foamed.

"Shen Xu..." I bowed my head obediently, allowing him to gently rub my hair, "You know, you have as many flaws as honeycomb balls."

It was quiet behind us, the huge water flowed in parallel, but there was only a slight rustling sound, Shen Xu's hand moved slowly, moving from the scalp to the shoulder, and then something soft and soft brushed against the earlobe, we hid on the surface of the water The lower body collided faintly, and I couldn't take care of sensing touch and keeping nature at the same time, so I simply closed my eyes and let any part drift with the flowing water.

I remember that when Shen Xu first joined the school’s research group as the leader, because he was young, many teachers disapproved of him, and he was eccentric in person or behind his back. He didn’t tell me about these things, and I only found out by secretly reading his chat records.I used to think that as a teacher, from school to school, the environment would be simpler, but it seems that this is not the case.Where there is difference, there is confrontation and war. In Shen Xu's life experience, oppression and isolation are almost everywhere, so I often think, is this fate, or is it the normal state of society?

There was a weekend last year when Shen Xu worked overtime, and I took a break. I bought a big bag of snacks to condolence him, and went to the teacher’s cafeteria for lunch. Get up one step earlier than him and say let me go.

Passing by Auntie Dafan, her footsteps were slowed down by the steam. Auntie held the rice spoon and quietly asked me if I was a friend of Mr. Shen. I covered my bag full of bananas and peaches, nodded and said yes.

"Hey, I just watch him eat alone all the time!"

"Is there no other teacher with him?"

"Rarely." Auntie shook her head, "That time I saw Mr. Shen sitting on the seat with a plate, and tears fell down!"

Shen Xu never cried, I was startled, "When?"

"Just last month."

Come to think of it, last month we seemed to have had a quarrel over his mother asking for money.

To be honest, Shen Xu’s hard-earned money over the years has been taken for granted and she has taken it for granted. I am complaining for him. His parents raised him does not mean that he must become a tool for squeezing. My eyes hurt in my heart, and I was often out of breath for him.

I didn’t get the ideal material satisfaction, so that later my aunt went straight to our [-]-square-meter small house, chattering to me who played the role of "tenant", accusing his son of how bad-hearted he was, how he calculated her, and I followed me from the bathroom all the way to the room, if there was a human-shaped loudspeaker, until I said that my aunt was sorry, I was going to rest, and after closing the door, she still leaned stubbornly outside, talking to herself for nearly an hour.

Covering my ears, I found that I couldn't feel resentment towards her, only sympathy.

I can only watch Shen Xu getting deeper and deeper in this unequal relationship, being dulled by the so-called maternal love.

Going back to the opposite side of Shen Xu, I watched him forcefully smile at me, and said thank you for my snacks. Before I could ask him, he preemptively said that he wanted to open an extracurricular tutoring class, and many parents of students who were determined to improve came to him say it.

I was stunned for a moment, and said in a low voice, "...Is the Education Bureau allowed?"

Shen Xu's eyes wandered, and then he turned around suddenly

——"Thought someone called me." He said lightly.

No one calls him, I am very sure, and suspect that Shen Xu often hears hallucinations.

"Are you okay in the research group?" I asked.

Shen Xu shook his head and didn't speak.

"Ma Shan is ridden by others, and Ren Shan is bullied by others. Be tougher."

"They... will think that I am narrow-minded and immeasurable."

"Is perfection that important to you?" I sighed, "If you are being bullied, you have to carry it and pretend not to care? Shen Xu, don't lose yourself because of other people's opinions."

Shen Xu buried his head in eating, his movements were a little mechanical and stubborn, as if he had completed a task, I peeled a banana for him, he bit off half of it, and told me to go back inarticulately.

I'm really used to being bullied. His mother doesn't love him, but I do.

Thinking about it, after I went back, I contacted a very experienced psychiatrist. The price was high, and the asking price was 10 for [-] minutes.

By the time the doctor made time, Shen Laomo’s cram school had already been halfway through. Before the treatment started, the doctor told me to arrange for him to do more small things to make him feel valuable, loved and needed.

So that night, I lifted the mattress with my hands.

When Shen Xu came back, I said with a sad face that the mattress was broken. He checked it around, hugged me gently, and said it was okay, just buy another one. There are three styles, Shen Xu hesitated for a long time, and chose the most expensive one.

"A better mattress is more comfortable to sleep on." Shen Xu said, "Little Jin, you draw drawings every day with your head down, and take a good rest when you get home."

I swallowed back what I was going to say, and looked at his hair twitching, feeling a little unbearable.

The mattress I bought online will arrive the next day. I ask him to go downstairs to move it together. One head for each person. I am in front and he is behind. It’s weird when I go up the stairs. Pop songs are playing on my mobile phone. Sweaty, but happy.

The corridor was full of paint smell, when I moved to the third floor, the power behind suddenly disappeared, Shen Xu called me to stop, his voice was extremely soft.

He said, "Xiao Jin, I can't seem to hold on anymore."

"I can't hold it anymore... If I can't hold it anymore, let it go!" I stood at the corner of the stairs and smiled brightly at him, "Let's let it go!"

Shen Xu nodded and leaned against the wall.

"I'm so tired."

Shen Xu said he was very tired.I remembered what the psychiatrist said——

"Appeals need to be treated with care."

"If you're tired, we don't have to go to the wedding of our high school classmates tonight."

He shook his head, "If you have promised others, go."

I slowly put down the mattress and leaned against the white wall with him, my vision began to blur. My boyfriend is such a person who never breaks his promise.

The water of the Ganges River has been flowing forever, and I slowly sank, washing away two lines of tears, and when I opened my eyes again, the world was on and off, and the foam rose and fell with the ripples, I leaned back, knowing that there must be a chest there waiting.

"I knew you would come...with me."

Shen Xu hummed, and used his wrist to lift the hair on his forehead, water drops fell from his chin, splashing a small flower.

"we have agreed upon it."

God, why is he still the same as before?

I felt sour and turbulent, so I turned around, raised my head and kissed Shen Xu.

It was a very short, tentative kiss, we both opened our eyes, waiting for the second when the lips were about to separate, Shen Xu closed his eyes, pressed the back of my head, and reattached it heavily.

This time, the kiss was deeper and more lingering than before.

The Ganges washed us very clean, leaving only carefree beauty and each other.

"Xiao Jin, if you didn't recognize me earlier, you'd want to hold grudges." Shen Xu murmured against my lips, and the complaint also contained a hint of coquettishness.

"Who is the person who played tricks on me? Who is the person who doesn't reply to the message?" I refused to let go, "Is it Shen Xu?"

He nodded guiltily, his vivid face in the past in a trance.

In the evening, we came out of the baths and walked in the market in Calcutta.

I don’t know what day it is today, the residents on the street are dressed up to go out, the big red stirs into the brass bell, making people dizzy, the shutter sounded, I dodged Shen Xu’s camera playfully, turned into an alley, and then turned left , everywhere is so lively, there are colorful snakes in the parade, with big open chests and strange shapes, I pointed it out to Shen Xu, he held me with one hand to prevent me from walking around, and adjusted the focus with the other hand, I was caught by a car The rickshaw stopped in a circle, turned an inexplicable corner, and stopped abruptly.

Here is another scene, like coming to another world, the open-air stone sanctuary, the oppressive force, the huge reclining lion statue suddenly appeared there, it lowered its head, staring at the gloomy scene in front of it. steps.

The music sounds faintly in the ears, but the eyes are full of devastation, spanning the sense of separation between heaven and hell.

Dismal and damp, I wouldn't be surprised if stalactites grew here.

As night falls, the dark gray fog barrier is like a heavy drum of dust, one by one, and at the same time it raises a deafening powder that can fade the color of everything. The spices in the nose go to the head together.

I stared blankly.

Shen Xu is right, this land has energy, this kind of energy makes people irritable, makes people go crazy, wants to cry, wants to fall on the stone steps together, tear each other's clothes like beasts, and then hold each other tightly. Hugging, rolling all the way to the last level, in heat with sweat and blood.

The seeds buried deep in the pelvic cavity germinated, and a cluster of blood-red poisonous strains bloomed. He held my hand, which was wet and hot, as if holding my penis. My body wanted to be filled with something. I was overwhelmed by this force. When there was only an empty shell left and the frontal lobe failed, he let go of the restlessness in his crotch.

"Xiao Jin." Shen Xu knew what I knew and felt what I felt, his voice was hoarse because of restraint, "Follow me."