no one save me

"Long time no see, Zuo Qi." The psychiatrist smiled, and she chose a very quiet coffee shop. Today happened to be a work break, and there was no one there. There were two cats in the coffee shop, which seemed to be raised by the boss. .

"Long time no see." It is true that I haven't seen the psychiatrist for a while, but she sends me videos of stupid dogs every day.

"I have dated you several times before, and you were unwilling to come out. Why did you suddenly think of asking me out this time?" She smiled and looked at me. After a moment of silence, I changed the subject and said, "Dog...here Are you in trouble?"

"No, I like it very much. The cat at home also likes it very much. In fact, you also miss it very much." The doctor thought for a while, and then said softly: "Is there any discomfort recently? I heard Dr. Xu say, You went to the hospital for reexamination, but you didn’t press it.”

"I've been too busy recently." This is just an excuse, but I think she can figure it out, and I said after a short pause: "Last time you said that I need to do the psychological test again?"

"Yeah... do you think you're getting better?" she asked me.

In fact, she asked this question before, and I gave an affirmative answer, but for some reason, when I met her face to face with the same question, I began to hesitate.

"When a person's ability to perceive pain begins to fail, there will be a strong self-deception. This self-deception can also be called-I think I'm okay because I don't feel pain."

The psychiatrist ordered a glass of milk and pushed it in front of me. She continued: "I said before that you have bipolar disorder and have been letting you control it, but now I find that your condition has not only not improved, but has worsened. A lot, you've been drinking, haven't you?"

I pursed my lips slightly, not wanting to lie to her, and she was not in a hurry to speak, so I could only nod in the end.

"I said this drug is best for alcohol, right?" she asked me.

I turned my head subconsciously and whispered "hmm".

"Don't worry, I'm not blaming you, I just feel sorry for you...Zuo Qi, you want to live on, but your body reacts in the opposite way, do you understand what this means?" A cat jumped When she got to the table, she licked the back of my hand, looked at me carefully, and jumped off the table again. She looked at me calmly and gently, and said word by word: "You want to live, but you hate yourself, your The body, emotion, and spirit are always being pulled towards two extremes, you are tired and exhausted, and you try to find some ways to indulge in freedom to change, but it doesn’t work.”

"Don't hate yourself, you've done nothing wrong, you're just sick," she told me.

The psychiatrist told me that I was mentally struggling to survive, my dick wanted to kill itself, and I was almost split into two completely different extremes, but I only had one me, and I was constantly torn in the middle.

I know what she said is reasonable, but it's like being trapped in an egg membrane wrapped in egg liquid. I stretch out my fist hard, but I can't break it. It's soft, not hard, but It just wraps me, makes me suffocate, breathe sticky, and struggle in the middle of pain.

I also went to see Dr. Xu. After saying that he had started to have nosebleeds again recently, his expression was a little serious, and he changed my medicine, saying that the dosage was increased.

I asked him if he could give me some sleeping pills, because I really can't sleep at night, I have insomnia, and the insomnia is very painful.

He looked at me deeply, and then heaved a long sigh.

When I came out of the hospital, I met Jiang Yihang. He was holding a cane, and his body was a little emaciated. He stood in front of my car and looked at me calmly. The stubbornness and hysteria from the previous period faded away. I was finally able to calm down. Had a meal with him.

"Brother Qi, have you played enough outside?" He asked me.

The dishes on the table haven't been served yet, and I don't really have much appetite.

"I miss you, I really miss you, I know you are with Lu Qiao, and I know you are with someone else, then...can you turn around now, can...see me?" Holding the tablecloth, took a deep breath; "I can do it too."

I raised my eyelids slightly to look at him when I heard the words, and then smiled after a while and said, "Are you still confused about the difference between me and Zuo Lin?"

"No, no." He gritted his teeth: "How can I explain you to believe me, what I really like now is you, just you."

"Is it because of Zuo Lin's death?" I couldn't help laughing: "It's funny to say, Wang Bo passed away, Lu Qiao ran over and said he loved me, Zuo Lin passed away, and you turned around and said you loved you, anyway Am I always your backup option?"

In fact, I didn't intend to say this, but I still couldn't hold back seeing him like this, so I poured it all out.

"Brother Qi." His complexion changed, and he immediately explained: "It's not like this...it's not like this...Brother Qi, I like you not because of Zuo Lin...I used to think that I fell in love because of Zuo Lin You, but I found out later that what I love is you, you are you, and Zuo Lin is Zuo Lin."

"So you hug Zuo Lin's photo and call my name?" I couldn't help being a little happy.

"..." His lips moved slightly, and he said after a while, "That's...your photo."

Ok?

I didn't understand the meaning of this sentence, so I asked: "My photo? Is there a tattoo on my photo? Why don't I know, I have a tattoo myself?"

"It's 2020, June 6st." Jiang Yihang didn't want to say it, but he had to say: "That day... I got you drunk, we had a great time, and you were basically in a semi-comatose state later on, so don't worry. I know, I... put a tattoo on you, the same tattoo as Zuo Lin, this is you."

I was stunned for a moment, then I couldn't help laughing, looked down at the water glass, then at him, finally leaned back, subconsciously lit a cigarette, the waiter came over and reminded in a low voice: "Mr. , We don't allow smoking here."

I hastily crushed the cigarette butt, said a few words "I'm sorry", and immediately got up to leave. Jiang Yihang quickly grabbed me, his action made his already injured leg worse, and he groaned in pain , but he held my arm tightly and refused to let go, and said stubbornly: "Brother Qi, I was wrong... I really know I was wrong, I'm sorry, Brother Qi."

"Let go." I whispered.

"I won't let go." He gritted his teeth and said, "If I let go, you really don't want me anymore."

"Stupid."

boom--

The wine bottle on the table in the restaurant shattered on Jiang Yihang's head, blood mixed with red wine dripped down, he shook his body and looked at me, refusing to let go, the waiter next to him rushed over, Some people have already started calling the police and calling 120. I looked at this person in front of me.

A top student in the law school, a top student, a high school student, my first love... Hahaha, I'm really fucking dying!

"June 6st, just a few days after your college entrance examination, we went to celebrate, but I forgot that this day is Zuo Lin's birthday." I clamped his chin hard with my hand, forcing him to look up at me. The words said: "I remember that day, I was rarely drunk to be that drunk, you told me, you like me, you love me, that was the day we decided that you would come here to go to school, I would give up everything to follow you, and then you go to school , I'm going to work, Jiang Yihang, I don't know how many disgusting things you have. I owe you my life, and I will pay you back sooner or later. I don't want you to pay back what you owe me. You fucking leave I stay away, I can at least live a few more years."

I shook my hand away, and saw my hideous and hostile appearance in his eyes.

"Brother Qi!"

When I left here, I heard him shouting from behind.

People's ability to resist pressure is unlimited. If you constantly challenge your limits, you will always be able to survive when you think this is your bottom line.

The first thing I did after getting in the car was to take medicine, the medicine prescribed by Dr. Xu, the medicine prescribed by the psychiatrist, and some messy stomach medicine, anti-inflammatory medicine... Then I drove the car to the river.

There is an abandoned pier by the riverside. When I came to this city before, I had nowhere to go at night. When I was hit and had no place to vent, I liked to come here to stay. I took a few cans of beer and just sat there. One night.

In summer, the ebb and flow of the river is very obvious, the wind blows very comfortably, with a hint of fishy and salty water vapor, I asked the driver to deliver a box of wine, I sat here and watched the water, no one came here, occasionally a few stray cats The stray dog ​​passed me, circled twice and came back.

There is still some food in the car, which was originally intended to be brought back to the psychiatrist, but I forgot, and now I just took it out to give the stray cats and stray dogs a bite, so I sat on the steps and smoked, casually opened a wine bottle and took a couple of sips , the scar on the arm has healed, but some scars have proliferated, which looks very hideous.

Before I walked out of that small town, my grandma protected me very well, but after I walked out, I made myself like this.

On grandma's death day, I didn't go because of some bad things. Later, when I went to take Ms. Lin and Mr. Zuo to worship grandma, there was such a commotion. Counting that it will be grandma's birthday in a few days, I plan to Order a delicious cake, take it over, and talk to grandma.

I haven't seen her for such a long time, and I don't know if she will be angry. If she is angry, she may steam sweet potatoes in a muffled voice. No matter how much I admit my mistake after following her, I will ignore me.

I held the cigarette in one hand, held my chin, and held the half-bottle of wine in the other. After taking a big gulp, I choked and coughed, and then I couldn't help but leaned back on the steps and laughed.

"Laughing and saying love makes people crazy, crying and saying love makes people nervous... If you can't forget that person, you surrender..."

"Our efforts are not simple..."

"Fantasy a few years ago, a few years later...forgive..."

I was humming an out-of-tune tune, choked up sobbing helplessly, and clutched the wine bottle until I couldn't make a single word.

"forgive……"

I raised my head, my eye sockets hurt a little, so I could only quickly wipe it on my shoulders casually.

"I'm just sick." I lay on the steps, looking at the stars in the sky, there is no moon tonight, but the wind is very cold and strong, pouring into my heart, I curled up my legs slightly, and murmured He wrote: "I'm just sick, I'm not a bitch."

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Tomorrow is the ninth evil, this knife will fall sooner or later!

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标注歌词来源于林俊杰的《修炼爱情》感谢在2022-03-2713:50:17~2022-03-2723:23:38期间为我投出霸王票或灌溉营养液的小天使哦~

Thanks to the little angels of irrigation nutrient solution: 5 bottles of small universe; 554454803 bottles;

Thank you very much for your support, I will continue to work hard!