Love you as life
Chapter 4 Stars Fell into the Sea
I will smile happily, but because of long-term depression, poor stomach, and frequent pain in the lumbar spine and back.For my recovery, my mother took me to Qingcheng Mountain to exercise every morning, and accompanied me to take a walk by the river in the evening.I climb the mountains of my hometown every day. I have climbed the mountains countless times. I look at the water in my hometown every day. I have seen the water for more than ten years. I hold my mother’s hand every day. It has been more than ten years. With very rough and old hands, I walked in this county town that I gradually became familiar with again.day to day.I sigh, mom, what a strong and warm word.Years later, my sister told me how scared my mother was at that time, afraid that I would commit suicide if I didn’t pay attention. She looked at me and laughed, and cried behind my back...
One day, I found that I no longer cried when I saw the flowers, and was sad to the moon. I became interested in appreciating the beautiful scenery again, and I enjoyed it happily.I found that I could doze off in the car again, and go on long trips by myself again.I was surprised to find that I found her and Wen Qing back, and I finally changed back to Wen Qing.
Another day, I am no longer afraid of words, not afraid of sensational advertisements, not afraid of lyrics full of emotion, not afraid of love poems, not afraid of literary works, I can have enthusiasm for words again, and I have enthusiasm for words.
Three years later, I picked up the pen again.
Four years later, my medication was stopped and I was able to stop taking it altogether.I went to "work" at the Municipal Federation of Literary and Art Circles, and "attended classes" at my brother's Qihui Hall.I think it's a miracle...
My elder brother, older sister and younger sister have come back twice, and my father and I have long since left the gap. I reconnected with my classmates and friends, and I went to visit my teacher and my alma mater.I tell myself in my heart every day: Wen Qing, she is back.She lives, as confident and strong as before.
After I came back from N city, my father gave me a new mobile phone.After the condition stabilized, I called Xin Dekang and wanted to know if An An was okay.His mobile phone has become an "empty number", and their home phone has also become an "empty number"... I keep An An in my heart, and those 11 years are a secret dream that will never be announced.
I didn't expect Xiaoling to come back, I didn't expect to open a flower shop selling only chrysanthemums in the county, I didn't expect that I lost my peace again, and I couldn't have peace again.
I don't know why I came to this island in N City, why I think of this island when my sister-in-law talks about going on a trip.This is the place I came to after leaving An'an, and it is also the place that triggers the pain and despair spasms and bursts in my life. Why did I come, why do I come to this place with the most painful memories when I am in pain...
Seven, live, be happy
"Wen Qing, I suggest you go to S city once." The sister-in-law said the next morning after telling the story of Qingye and Xiaoying to her sister-in-law.
"why?"
"The fundamental problem must be solved. If you don't solve the problem, you will stay there forever. You should see An An again. Now that she has grown up, she can judge her feelings. If she still loves you as before, you should strive to be in the same place." Together. If she has let go of the past and has a boyfriend or another girlfriend, you can let go of the past and start a new life."
I didn't speak.It's not like I haven't had this thought, but I dare not act on it.
I'm scared, very scared.
I am no longer qualified to be with An An.I do get old, especially with my depression that can come back at any time.An An is so young, I can't be so selfish.If An An still likes me, I have absolutely no power to leave, so I can't see An An.
What I am more afraid of, and even more afraid of, is seeing An An with a young lover who accompanies her.I can't accept that An An loves others, although I wish her that way.Even if she loves, at least don't let me see it.I'm not that great, I'm not that selfless, I have a lot of selfishness... Beneath the strong appearance, my heart is so fragile, it's so vulnerable to a single blow.I'd rather be tortured than face reality...
"If she suffers like you but can't find you, have you ever thought about her feelings? Do you want her to be like this?" Seeing that I have been silent, my sister-in-law said again.
How could I not have thought about it.
"Wen Qing, be brave, you have always been very brave!" My sister-in-law patted me on the shoulder.
I used to be brave, but now I'm not brave anymore.
"Wen Qing, let's face the reality positively. You can't live like this for the rest of your life. 40 is still a very young age, and you can still live happily for decades!"
"Sister Hong, do you know? I'm already afraid of love. I don't want to have love anymore. I'm afraid even when I hear the word love." Will there be a result?"
"Wen Qing, don't do this, as long as it is suitable, it will last for a long time." My sister-in-law held my hand, "Give yourself one more chance and try to go out, okay?"
"I just want to grow old in peace, I can't bear the emotional storm..." I bit my lips tightly.
"I know your heart is not quiet. I don't want to see you always be so depressed and wronged yourself so heavily. Wenqing, we don't want to see you like this." The sister-in-law's voice was choked.
"Sister Hong..." I squeezed her hand tightly.We stopped talking, just watched the tide quietly, rising and falling, falling and rising again.Once a boy chasing the wind, fighting against the water for his dream, once a tough son of the earth, abandoning suicide and going far away, once a dancer who clings to the wire rope, a lover who will go to the other side even if he is buried in a sea of fire... Today , what am I left with?What about the chasing boy?What about the tough son of the earth?What about the persistent dancer?They all disappeared with the waves, "the rolling Yangtze River flows eastward, and the waves wash away the heroes", youth and desire have flowed to the corners of the world like water going east, and what remains are standing stones and dry bed.
"Do you know who the friend I met with was the night before we went out?" my sister-in-law said after returning to the room for lunch.
"who?"
"Doctor Zen."
"?"
"I told him that we were going on a trip, that you were coming to N city, and I wanted to ask his opinion." The sister-in-law said, "He said it's okay, and said that your problem broke out here, and maybe you can still come here. It's over. I said I was worried that you wouldn't be able to bear it, but he reassured me and said something very reasonable."
"What?"
"He said that the minds of people with depression are the most painful and at the same time the strongest and most resilient."
"Do you believe it?" I smiled wryly.
"Of course I do. I've seen it on you." The sister-in-law smiled, "I asked Dr. Zen to take a lot of medicines, anti-depressants, mood-stabilizing, sedative, and sleeping. I dared to talk to you after preparing these medicines." Go out!" The sister-in-law couldn't help laughing.
"Oh, that's it? You're so considerate." I couldn't help laughing too. I really am a national treasure giant panda.
"Now I'm glad that I didn't need to. You don't need it at all." The sister-in-law is really relaxed, "After telling the story of Aoba and the others, you are still so calm. You have stayed on this island for three days. Your The condition has been very good. I have great confidence in you! Really." Sister-in-law looked at me sincerely.
It's true, I didn't expect myself to be so quiet, it's completely different from six years ago, I don't know if it's because I'm really tough or I'm older and more mature.
"Sister Hong, thank you! You are so thoughtful for me!"
"Don't say that, we are relatives, we are always the closest. Consider my suggestion, go out, you will do it!" The sister-in-law mentioned the question again.
"I'm really scared... and I don't know how to go."
"Even if the pain is temporary, the temporary pain can solve the suffering of the rest of my life. It's worth it!" My sister-in-law kept watching me, as if waiting for my statement, "As for how to go, just like I said, go to An An , solve this problem first. As for whether to find a partner in the future, we will talk about it at that time. Besides..."
"What?" Sister-in-law rarely speaks awkwardly.
"I always feel that An'an will always wait for you, always waiting for you." The sister-in-law said in a low tone, "She is a very distressing girl."
These two words of hers made my heart suddenly ache again, if An An had been waiting or looking for me, how painful she would be.The scene by the water in Liba Village came back to my mind, her heart-piercing cries, her desperate eyes when she came out of the N city airport, her desolate look after she committed suicide, An An ...but how can I find her?
"I can't find her. Our phone numbers have been changed," I said.
"To S City, to her house."
"No. If An'an is not what you said, I shouldn't show up."
"Well, too. Have you lost the phone numbers of everyone she's connected to?"
"No more. The environment she and I are familiar with is Liba Village, and the telephones there were also changed. At that time, only a few houses in the village had telephones, and I don't remember anything else."
"Where's An An's mother?"
"I don't remember her number." Yes, of course Su Weiying knows An An's situation very well, but her foreign number is too long, so I have never remembered it.
My sister-in-law stopped talking, and neither did I.It seems that both of them realize that bringing up this topic can only add to the melancholy.When we went for a walk at the beach that evening, we lay down on the soft sand and listened to the tide again. We decided to go to the fishing village to buy some local products the next day and go back the day after tomorrow.Before going back, feel the vastness of the sea and the roar of the waves.
Early the next morning, we walked towards the fishing village and were attracted by a scene from afar.On the beach at the farthest point of the fishing village, a few people were burning things. The colorful things disappeared after jumping over a big brazier.We couldn't help but walked over.
It turned out that a few fishermen were burning paper money. The paper money was very special. It not only contained "money", but also clothes, skirts, shoes and socks, a house, a boat and a car, two beautiful lanterns, and two beautiful flower umbrellas. Two gorgeous flower crowns, two kites in the shape of seabirds... they form a warm and beautiful world, a place that can be called paradise.I couldn't help but carefully looked at the four worshipers: a middle-aged couple, and two teenagers aged seventeen or eighteen. They seemed a little familiar, but I couldn't remember who they were.
"Sister Wen Qing—" A teenager spotted me.
I was startled and approached them hesitantly.It's Aoba's younger brother...
I understand, they are burning paper money for Aoba and Eiko, this is their death day, right?early july...
When they heard their son calling me, the couple stopped and looked at me steadily.I didn't know what to say, so I walked up to them and said hello, silently watching the flames leaping in the brazier, as if looking at the youthful smiling faces of Aoba and Xiaoying.I picked up the branch next to me and looked at the couple inquiringly. Their expressions were very friendly.I gently moved the overlapping flower papers in the brazier.It's been six years, Aoba and Eiko, are they okay in another world?
After burning the paper money, everyone sat silently aside.I have only met Aoba’s parents once, when Aoba and Eiko were salvaged and placed on the beach, Aoba’s father stood aside with a black face, and Aoba’s mother and Eiko’s mother were crying loudly .At that time, I hated these three miserable people to the core. They only left me with hideous faces, without the peace I have today.I have met Aoba’s two younger brothers a few times, because Aoba warmly invited me to their house as a guest. The younger brothers love my sister very much, and of course respect my sister’s friends...
"If they are still here, we will definitely make them like you." Qingye's father looked at me and my sister-in-law, with deep sadness and depression in his eyes.
I'm a bit baffled, don't know what it means.
"As long as the child is happy, it's too late for us to understand." He sighed deeply, humming from deep in his chest.
"Things are over, don't be too sad." I have nothing else to say.
"Those two children are good children, sensible, filial, and hardworking." Qingye's father pursed his lips, and he choked.
Aoba’s mother didn’t speak the whole time, she just stared at the sea in a trance, and said at this moment: “To reassure our filial daughter, we must not be sad.” Her words surprised me, she was totally different from the wailing woman six years ago.
"Mom is right, we have to be happy so that my sister can feel at ease." Qingye's eldest brother said.
"Your wife, right? You are very happy." Aoba's father suddenly turned to me again.
"..." I was startled for a moment, I didn't know what he said, and my face felt hot and cold.
"Don't worry. I know about you." He stopped looking at me, "When I beat and scolded Aoba, she said that they are not shameful people, that you are an intellectual from a big city, and you also like women .”
"Oh..." I understand, but the person next to me is my sister-in-law, not my lover, and I don't have a lover...
"Your parents are amazing parents, I'm ashamed—" He stood up and sighed to the sky, then turned and walked away alone, with such an old and hunchbacked back, at least ten years older than his actual age...
"Thank you, Aoba once had a friend who understood her..." Aoba's mother said, her eyes filled with tears.I walked over and took her hand, her hand was as rough as my mother's, her dark face was wrinkled and blotchy, she had aged prematurely.
"That sentence you just said is very good, you are a strong mother." I said.
"I can only do this, I can't keep crying, I'm sorry for my daughter. Xiaoying's mother is stupid, she jumped into the sea with her daughter, Xiaoying must know how sad she is. Qingye has always loved to laugh. When she was a child, she saw us and didn't smile. She is sad and afraid." She looked at me with tears in her eyes and smiled, the saddest and most touching smile in the world, "To be alive, to be happy..."
The words of this woman shocked me, and the words of their couple shocked me. People often reach another level after experiencing it, even ordinary fishermen like them.
In the afternoon, Aoba's eldest brother came to the hotel to find me.
"Sister Wenqing, is this your book?" He held a collection of Pushkin's poems in his hand.
It’s my book, the only book I brought with me when I left S City. It contains An’an’s favorite "To the Sea", and she likes to listen to my recitation of "To the Sea". Go to the seaside, let me read to her in front of the sea... I put it in my backpack, although I don't necessarily see it, but only as an intimate existence.I left it behind when I left the island.
"It's my book, I thought I lost it long ago." I took the book and smiled gratefully at him.
"At that time, I heard that you were sick and left. I forgot to take some things. I thought you might come back, so I put them away for you." He smiled shyly on his sun-tanned face.
"Thank you! You are such a caring child!"
"Well, my sister's friends are my friends."
"Happy life!" I patted his shoulder, eyes wet.
"Well, you too." He smiled and turned away.
I leaned against the door for a long time, until his figure was too far away to be seen, and the words that shocked me today echoed in my mind: to live, to be happy...
[-]. Days without you
I thought a lot that evening, the words and deeds of the Aoba family deeply touched me, I thought about what my sister-in-law said, maybe I really want to change myself.At night, I leaned on the bed and flipped through the yellowed Pushkin poetry collection, and my eyes were fixed on a page that I suddenly turned to:
Numbers Wen Qing must remember:
1——You are my only, I am your only
2——You and I form a perfect world
3——Three most beautiful words: I love you, you love me
4 - Love Never Dies
5——No matter the ends of the earth, our hearts are together
6—Six words spoken every day: I love you, I miss you
7—Looking forward to growing up
8 - leave you behind
9 - Forever and ever
10 - life after life, life after life
There are also a series of phone numbers below, from Liba Village, from S City, Xin Dekang's mobile phone number, and Su Weiying's foreign phone number!
I don't even know when An An wrote this, was it when I recited "To the Sea" to her for the last time...
I stared at Su Weiying's phone, my heart was beating so fast that my palms were sweating.I dialed that number.
"Hello!" Su Weiying's voice!
"Sister Weiying, I'm Wen Qing." I adjusted my tone.
"Wen Qing! Is it really Wen Qing?" She was exaggeratedly surprised.
"Yes, I'm Wenqing. Sorry to bother you..."
"Wen Qing! I've always wanted to find you!" Her voice was urgent.
"Oh——" I felt cold all over, and her words gave me this understanding: I have always wanted to settle accounts with you!
"Miss Weiying, I'm sorry, I just want to know if An'an is okay..." My voice was obviously quieter, like a child who has made a mistake and has no face to face others, and at the same time, my heart was so nervous that it almost stopped beating.
"Oh, hasn't An An found you yet?" Her voice was full of worry.
"An'an... Looking for me?" My mind paused for a moment.
"Oh, that's right, An An said that she would find you after she graduated from college. She left a letter to her father and left after graduating in June. She changed her mobile phone for fear that we would find her... This child, she ran to Where did it go?"
An'an looking for me, An'an looking for me... I cried, bit my lips tightly, and couldn't speak.
"Wen Qing, what's wrong?"
"Sister Weiying, I'm sorry..." My tears were still falling.
"Wen Qing, are you...married?" She asked eagerly and hesitantly.
"No." How could she ask this question?
"Do you have... a girlfriend?"
"No……"
"Do you still love An'an?"
"Love, always love her, only love her." I couldn't help it, and didn't care if I lost my temper.
"Oh. I've already bought a plane ticket back home. Shall we make an appointment to meet up?" Her tone was surprisingly calm, and she seemed to be a little happy, as if she finally let go of her breath.
"it is good."
"Oh, don't think badly, I hope you and An'an... are both happy." It was still a calm, soft voice.
What a great mother and what a kind friend.I still have any reason to be sad, any reason to shrink back...
My sister-in-law went home alone, and I went to Jiangnan, where Su Weiying and I made an appointment.
On the second day after arriving in Jiangnan, I met Su Weiying.
Although she is in her fifties, she still looks very young, just a little rich.I don't know whether it's the good air in foreign countries or the environment that nourishes people. I found that people who came back from America, Australia, and Europe seemed to have changed their skin color.
"Sister Weiying—hello!" I stood up from my seat and greeted her who had just entered the hotel entrance.
"Oh, hello! Sorry to keep you waiting." She smiled and walked over.
We have been dating for more than ten years, and we have not said a few polite words, and we are not people who like politeness.
After sitting down, Su Weiying stared at me for a long time. Under her gaze, I felt uncomfortable, and soon my heart beat faster, and my whole face was hot. I avoided her eyes, panicked, and didn’t know what to say .
"Wen Qing, you haven't changed much." She finally looked away, "But I can see that you are very unhappy, you are much more depressed and haggard."
"Well, yes." I smiled.
"A few years ago, An'an was also very melancholy. Oh, why are you...so stupid?"
Seeing me bowed my head and said nothing, she said again: "I have experienced many things in my life. I understand you and I understand An An. Things are already like this. I can only bless An An and you!" In her eyes Shining brightly.
"Sister Weiying..." I didn't go on, I couldn't go on.
"Don't be like this. I don't feel good seeing you sad. Life can't be so bitter. I hope to see you smile and see you happy. I owe An An too much, and I only hope she can be happy." She couldn't help crying "I know why An'an likes you so much, you are too kind and understanding. With you, An'an is also happy..."
"Sister Weiying, thank you!" I held her hand tightly, with tears of gratitude on my face.
After we all calmed down, Su Weiying told me about An'an's situation in the past six years.
After I left, An An didn't say a word for a whole month. No matter how Xin Dekang persuaded, coaxed or scolded her, she kept silent and often cried for no reason. The same was true for Fang Shujuan and her younger brother.Later, the teacher also called Xin Dekang, saying that An An seemed to be a different person, she was silent and in a daze every day, and suggested taking her to see a doctor.Xin Dekang finally got scared, so he told Su Weiying about the situation.Su Weiying was very anxious after hearing this, and came back immediately.
Seeing her mother, An An didn't have any special reaction.Su Weiying's heartache and fear were caused by her completely different appearance from when she graduated from junior high school. The sunny child had completely disappeared, and the thin and pale girl in front of her was simply a sleepwalker.The distressed mother cried bitterly while hugging her devastated child.
Su Weiying decided to stay in the country, and she would not leave if An An was not good.She rented a house to live in, and persuaded Xin Dekang to take An An to live there, and asked An An for a month's leave.An An prefers Su Weiying's tolerance and openness to Xin Dekang's autocracy and tradition.Su Weiying didn't teach her a lesson, nor asked her what was on her mind, but just took her to "tour" around the city every day, and talked with her about various scenes and topics with interest as much as possible.Take her to the market together, and ask her to cook together after returning home.After two weeks of this, An An finally called her "Mom—" and cried loudly while hugging her.The mother who had been frightened for half a month was so excited that her daughter was finally "alive"...
Su Weiying didn't dare to be careless, and still didn't dare to inquire about her daughter's concerns. She just wanted to accompany her, love her, and be considerate of her.Her patience and caring made An An take the initiative to open up her inner world with her little by little.The helpless girl finally found a "friend" she could trust completely.When listening to An An's story, Su Weiying was still cautious and did not dare to touch her wound casually. An An was her only daughter, her dearest child, and the poor child she had "let go" for more than ten years. My daughter regained her confidence and happiness, no matter what the cost.
An An is not a willful and unreasonable child. Facing such a mother, she became more and more frank, and the burden in her heart became lighter and lighter.Su Weiying stayed in China for a whole year. During this year, she found out with great pain how many beautiful things she had missed and how many precious experiences she had lost.She knew An An's entire childhood and adolescence in detail, everything about her daughter and the "literary master" tutor, and what was going on in the mind of her sixteen or seventeen-year-old daughter. What a noble and beautiful heart in a rich and vast world.It brought tears to her eyes every time she thought about it.
A year later, An An's mood stabilized. She regained her self-confidence and her belief in learning and enterprising. She has grown up, even matured, and is no longer easily influenced by the people and things around her, and is not affected by the environment , she strengthened her dream and persisted in her pursuit.She made a deal with her friend-like mother: study hard, be proactive, grow up healthy, and get Wen Qing back after graduating from university.
Such immature "ideal" makes Su Weiying's heart hang again. Although her attitude towards homosexuality is not as extreme as Xin Dekang's, and she can even accept it, but if Wen Qing already has her own home and life, will An An collapse again? ?Such an "ideal" is too dangerous!But he didn't dare to hit his daughter's hard-won confidence immediately.So every winter and summer vacation, she would go back to China, travel around with An An, broaden her horizons, strengthen her will, and try to express her worries and hopes.An An understands her mother, the calm girl said: Wen Qing said that she would wait for me to grow up, I believe her above everything, her letter must not come from the heart.If she did have her own home at that time, I would bless her. Since I was a child, my biggest wish is to see her happy. If she is happy, I will be happy too.
Su Weiying once said to An An: If your mother has been growing up with you by your side, you will not love girls.It's my mother who is sorry for you.
An An said: Mom, don't blame yourself, it's none of your business.If I knew that there was a Wenqing in this world, but I didn't meet him, I would regret and feel sad for the rest of my life.
Hearing such words, Su Weiying was heartbroken, and knew An An's determination. Maybe she would change when she grew up... She let go of her worries, and only tried her best to encourage and help her daughter, and truly enjoy the joy of being a mother.
An An no longer conflicted with Xin Dekang, she knew her own direction, and she learned to be silent and patient.After graduating from high school, An An was admitted to a national key art academy and majored in arts and crafts design. For four years, she has been a top student in the academy...
"Wen Qing, in fact, I still want to thank you. You have paid too much for An An. An An's good grades and quality are all influenced by you. Sometimes I feel that I am sorry for you..." Su Weiying sincerely held the already crying My hands got messed up.
"Sister Weiying, I'm sorry, thank you..." I had mixed feelings, and I was a little at a loss for what to say.
"Through An'an, I got to know you again, you are a very good woman." She looked at me with tears and said with a smile. "Do you know which song An An likes to listen to the most these years? It's "About Winter" by Qi Qin. I know what she's thinking. In fact, she loves the two lines of the lyrics 'In the days without you, I You will cherish yourself even more. In the years without me, you have to take care of yourself', An An has done it, and I hope you can do the same, and accompany her to grow old in a healthy and happy way." After she finished speaking, she withdrew her hand and covered her face. face weeping.
I know the complicated feelings of a mother who said such words, I said: "Sister Weiying, I will definitely! Don't worry!"
"I believe it, I believe it." She took her hand away and looked at me with a smile in her red eyes.
[-]. Tracking down alma mater
After all, she is an older woman, Su Weiying told me not to worry too much, no matter what, An An will contact her mother sooner or later.She won't leave until she sees An An. After An An graduated from high school, she married an aboriginal man in a foreign country. Her life is relatively comfortable and she can arrange her time freely.
We spent two days together and left each other's contact information, Su Weiying returned to his hometown - a village in the south of the Yangtze River.
After Su Weiying left, I was at a loss for a while, not knowing what to do and where to go.I kept thinking, where would An An find me?I described my hometown to her: peach blossoms, redbuds, banyan trees, acacia trees, phoenix trees, longan, lychees, coconuts, sugarcane fields, rice fields... She can only know that I am in the south. The south is so big, how can I find one? Ordinary people?The works I have published have never had a brief introduction of the author, and I will not disclose my hometown and address.Looking for a needle in a haystack, as smart as Anan, would she do such a stupid thing?
I reviewed the places we talked about again. She said that there are three places that she wants to go most: my hometown, my university, and the seaside.She doesn't know my hometown, the seaside is an extremely broad concept, and she can only go to my university.She knows which university I went to - many of my literature books were bought at the school bookstore when I was in college, and they all bear the seal of our school bookstore.
My university is in Jiangnan.
Going back to the university that has been away for nearly 20 years is like going to a strange world. It is not the school that has changed, but me. The person who has lived here for four years seems to have nothing to do with me.Strolling on the familiar school road, in front of the teaching building, on the court, by the lake... Following the footprints of the past, looking for the feeling of the year, the two Is are constantly overlapping, separated for a while, and merged into one for a while, in the past and the present, Walking back and forth between dreams and reality.
I often walk without looking at people, not because I am arrogant, but because I have always been used to staying in my thoughts, in an invisible "inner world".I was in a trance at my alma mater for a long time before I realized my purpose of coming back, An An, where would she be?How can I find her on such a big campus?I have described our teaching building, dormitory, dining hall, playground, library, art gallery, lawn and lake to her, but how can I find her?If she really wanted to come here to look for me, she would definitely stay here... I immediately walked to the school's guest house. I explained my identity and purpose, and looked through the entire month's check-in registration. Ann, she is not here.
An'an wouldn't look for me like this, it's also looking for a needle in a haystack, just like I'm looking for a needle in a haystack now.I walked blankly on the school road full of sycamores, looking up at the sky.What a beautiful tree, majestic, noble, simple in color and gorgeous in posture.If An An was here, I would hold her hand and take a walk here every day. If An An was here, I would tell her every story of our school, every landscape, every corner I have stayed in, just like When An An was in junior high school, every Friday night I described her life to me, and every time my parents would show me her campus...
"Wen Qing, is that you Wen Qing?" There were two people standing in front of him.
"Lan Ying... Teacher Ying!" Those two people are my classmates and my teacher!
"Wen Qing!—" Lan Ying yelled and ran towards me.We hugged each other tightly, laughing and screaming, as we used to do in our school days.
"Teacher Ying—" I turned around and held Teacher Ying, who taught us the history of foreign literature, tightly. His hair was already grey, but his face was full of red.
"Wen Qing, you child, where have you been, huh? I hope you will come back and toast me with a cup of tea, and your hair will turn white." Teacher Ying is still bright and childish.
"Teacher Ying, I will respect you later!" I smiled, as if I had really changed his "child".
"Where have you been? I haven't seen you every class reunion, and none of the teachers and classmates know your whereabouts. You guys seem to have evaporated!" Lan Ying blamed me. The eyes of my school friends wanted to kill me.
"Wen Qing, you should check yourself carefully, you made us worry to death! How could this well-behaved and sloppy Wen Qing just throw it away!" Teacher Ying looked at me lovingly while joking.
"Well, teacher, I was wrong. I'll invite you to dinner later, and I'll write a self-criticism." I made a face.
"Oh, how can I forgive you like this, you have to come back every year, bring a few pages of self-criticism, and read it to everyone at the class reunion, and show your impassioned recitation style again!" Teacher Ying haha laugh it out.
"Teacher Ying, let's sit down at the Lingering Garden Restaurant and have a chat, shall we? We don't have classes in the afternoon." Lan Ying said.
"Okay, okay, let's have a good chat. After ten or twenty years, the child is finally willing to go home..." Teacher Ying was really emotional.
"Teacher Ying, later, Good Wenqing will offer you a dozen or twenty cups of tea, and make up for it every year." I walked up to the university teacher who was closest to us.
"Your self-criticism is unqualified. You have fed me enough water and no food. You little devil, you still want to play tricks..." He gave me a reproachful look, with tears in his eyes .
It was good to be back with my teacher, as if I was still the same kid back then, free to be selfish, make mistakes, and always be forgiven in the end.
We sat down in a room with a window in the school's Lingering Garden restaurant.
"Teacher Ying, I'm really sorry! I haven't come back to see you after graduation for so long." I sincerely apologized.
"And I'm sorry for us! Everyone swears that they will kill you when you come back!" Lan Ying was still furious.
"Now I am the fish, and you are the knife. If you want to chop, chop, butcher, please do as you please!" I said
One day, I found that I no longer cried when I saw the flowers, and was sad to the moon. I became interested in appreciating the beautiful scenery again, and I enjoyed it happily.I found that I could doze off in the car again, and go on long trips by myself again.I was surprised to find that I found her and Wen Qing back, and I finally changed back to Wen Qing.
Another day, I am no longer afraid of words, not afraid of sensational advertisements, not afraid of lyrics full of emotion, not afraid of love poems, not afraid of literary works, I can have enthusiasm for words again, and I have enthusiasm for words.
Three years later, I picked up the pen again.
Four years later, my medication was stopped and I was able to stop taking it altogether.I went to "work" at the Municipal Federation of Literary and Art Circles, and "attended classes" at my brother's Qihui Hall.I think it's a miracle...
My elder brother, older sister and younger sister have come back twice, and my father and I have long since left the gap. I reconnected with my classmates and friends, and I went to visit my teacher and my alma mater.I tell myself in my heart every day: Wen Qing, she is back.She lives, as confident and strong as before.
After I came back from N city, my father gave me a new mobile phone.After the condition stabilized, I called Xin Dekang and wanted to know if An An was okay.His mobile phone has become an "empty number", and their home phone has also become an "empty number"... I keep An An in my heart, and those 11 years are a secret dream that will never be announced.
I didn't expect Xiaoling to come back, I didn't expect to open a flower shop selling only chrysanthemums in the county, I didn't expect that I lost my peace again, and I couldn't have peace again.
I don't know why I came to this island in N City, why I think of this island when my sister-in-law talks about going on a trip.This is the place I came to after leaving An'an, and it is also the place that triggers the pain and despair spasms and bursts in my life. Why did I come, why do I come to this place with the most painful memories when I am in pain...
Seven, live, be happy
"Wen Qing, I suggest you go to S city once." The sister-in-law said the next morning after telling the story of Qingye and Xiaoying to her sister-in-law.
"why?"
"The fundamental problem must be solved. If you don't solve the problem, you will stay there forever. You should see An An again. Now that she has grown up, she can judge her feelings. If she still loves you as before, you should strive to be in the same place." Together. If she has let go of the past and has a boyfriend or another girlfriend, you can let go of the past and start a new life."
I didn't speak.It's not like I haven't had this thought, but I dare not act on it.
I'm scared, very scared.
I am no longer qualified to be with An An.I do get old, especially with my depression that can come back at any time.An An is so young, I can't be so selfish.If An An still likes me, I have absolutely no power to leave, so I can't see An An.
What I am more afraid of, and even more afraid of, is seeing An An with a young lover who accompanies her.I can't accept that An An loves others, although I wish her that way.Even if she loves, at least don't let me see it.I'm not that great, I'm not that selfless, I have a lot of selfishness... Beneath the strong appearance, my heart is so fragile, it's so vulnerable to a single blow.I'd rather be tortured than face reality...
"If she suffers like you but can't find you, have you ever thought about her feelings? Do you want her to be like this?" Seeing that I have been silent, my sister-in-law said again.
How could I not have thought about it.
"Wen Qing, be brave, you have always been very brave!" My sister-in-law patted me on the shoulder.
I used to be brave, but now I'm not brave anymore.
"Wen Qing, let's face the reality positively. You can't live like this for the rest of your life. 40 is still a very young age, and you can still live happily for decades!"
"Sister Hong, do you know? I'm already afraid of love. I don't want to have love anymore. I'm afraid even when I hear the word love." Will there be a result?"
"Wen Qing, don't do this, as long as it is suitable, it will last for a long time." My sister-in-law held my hand, "Give yourself one more chance and try to go out, okay?"
"I just want to grow old in peace, I can't bear the emotional storm..." I bit my lips tightly.
"I know your heart is not quiet. I don't want to see you always be so depressed and wronged yourself so heavily. Wenqing, we don't want to see you like this." The sister-in-law's voice was choked.
"Sister Hong..." I squeezed her hand tightly.We stopped talking, just watched the tide quietly, rising and falling, falling and rising again.Once a boy chasing the wind, fighting against the water for his dream, once a tough son of the earth, abandoning suicide and going far away, once a dancer who clings to the wire rope, a lover who will go to the other side even if he is buried in a sea of fire... Today , what am I left with?What about the chasing boy?What about the tough son of the earth?What about the persistent dancer?They all disappeared with the waves, "the rolling Yangtze River flows eastward, and the waves wash away the heroes", youth and desire have flowed to the corners of the world like water going east, and what remains are standing stones and dry bed.
"Do you know who the friend I met with was the night before we went out?" my sister-in-law said after returning to the room for lunch.
"who?"
"Doctor Zen."
"?"
"I told him that we were going on a trip, that you were coming to N city, and I wanted to ask his opinion." The sister-in-law said, "He said it's okay, and said that your problem broke out here, and maybe you can still come here. It's over. I said I was worried that you wouldn't be able to bear it, but he reassured me and said something very reasonable."
"What?"
"He said that the minds of people with depression are the most painful and at the same time the strongest and most resilient."
"Do you believe it?" I smiled wryly.
"Of course I do. I've seen it on you." The sister-in-law smiled, "I asked Dr. Zen to take a lot of medicines, anti-depressants, mood-stabilizing, sedative, and sleeping. I dared to talk to you after preparing these medicines." Go out!" The sister-in-law couldn't help laughing.
"Oh, that's it? You're so considerate." I couldn't help laughing too. I really am a national treasure giant panda.
"Now I'm glad that I didn't need to. You don't need it at all." The sister-in-law is really relaxed, "After telling the story of Aoba and the others, you are still so calm. You have stayed on this island for three days. Your The condition has been very good. I have great confidence in you! Really." Sister-in-law looked at me sincerely.
It's true, I didn't expect myself to be so quiet, it's completely different from six years ago, I don't know if it's because I'm really tough or I'm older and more mature.
"Sister Hong, thank you! You are so thoughtful for me!"
"Don't say that, we are relatives, we are always the closest. Consider my suggestion, go out, you will do it!" The sister-in-law mentioned the question again.
"I'm really scared... and I don't know how to go."
"Even if the pain is temporary, the temporary pain can solve the suffering of the rest of my life. It's worth it!" My sister-in-law kept watching me, as if waiting for my statement, "As for how to go, just like I said, go to An An , solve this problem first. As for whether to find a partner in the future, we will talk about it at that time. Besides..."
"What?" Sister-in-law rarely speaks awkwardly.
"I always feel that An'an will always wait for you, always waiting for you." The sister-in-law said in a low tone, "She is a very distressing girl."
These two words of hers made my heart suddenly ache again, if An An had been waiting or looking for me, how painful she would be.The scene by the water in Liba Village came back to my mind, her heart-piercing cries, her desperate eyes when she came out of the N city airport, her desolate look after she committed suicide, An An ...but how can I find her?
"I can't find her. Our phone numbers have been changed," I said.
"To S City, to her house."
"No. If An'an is not what you said, I shouldn't show up."
"Well, too. Have you lost the phone numbers of everyone she's connected to?"
"No more. The environment she and I are familiar with is Liba Village, and the telephones there were also changed. At that time, only a few houses in the village had telephones, and I don't remember anything else."
"Where's An An's mother?"
"I don't remember her number." Yes, of course Su Weiying knows An An's situation very well, but her foreign number is too long, so I have never remembered it.
My sister-in-law stopped talking, and neither did I.It seems that both of them realize that bringing up this topic can only add to the melancholy.When we went for a walk at the beach that evening, we lay down on the soft sand and listened to the tide again. We decided to go to the fishing village to buy some local products the next day and go back the day after tomorrow.Before going back, feel the vastness of the sea and the roar of the waves.
Early the next morning, we walked towards the fishing village and were attracted by a scene from afar.On the beach at the farthest point of the fishing village, a few people were burning things. The colorful things disappeared after jumping over a big brazier.We couldn't help but walked over.
It turned out that a few fishermen were burning paper money. The paper money was very special. It not only contained "money", but also clothes, skirts, shoes and socks, a house, a boat and a car, two beautiful lanterns, and two beautiful flower umbrellas. Two gorgeous flower crowns, two kites in the shape of seabirds... they form a warm and beautiful world, a place that can be called paradise.I couldn't help but carefully looked at the four worshipers: a middle-aged couple, and two teenagers aged seventeen or eighteen. They seemed a little familiar, but I couldn't remember who they were.
"Sister Wen Qing—" A teenager spotted me.
I was startled and approached them hesitantly.It's Aoba's younger brother...
I understand, they are burning paper money for Aoba and Eiko, this is their death day, right?early july...
When they heard their son calling me, the couple stopped and looked at me steadily.I didn't know what to say, so I walked up to them and said hello, silently watching the flames leaping in the brazier, as if looking at the youthful smiling faces of Aoba and Xiaoying.I picked up the branch next to me and looked at the couple inquiringly. Their expressions were very friendly.I gently moved the overlapping flower papers in the brazier.It's been six years, Aoba and Eiko, are they okay in another world?
After burning the paper money, everyone sat silently aside.I have only met Aoba’s parents once, when Aoba and Eiko were salvaged and placed on the beach, Aoba’s father stood aside with a black face, and Aoba’s mother and Eiko’s mother were crying loudly .At that time, I hated these three miserable people to the core. They only left me with hideous faces, without the peace I have today.I have met Aoba’s two younger brothers a few times, because Aoba warmly invited me to their house as a guest. The younger brothers love my sister very much, and of course respect my sister’s friends...
"If they are still here, we will definitely make them like you." Qingye's father looked at me and my sister-in-law, with deep sadness and depression in his eyes.
I'm a bit baffled, don't know what it means.
"As long as the child is happy, it's too late for us to understand." He sighed deeply, humming from deep in his chest.
"Things are over, don't be too sad." I have nothing else to say.
"Those two children are good children, sensible, filial, and hardworking." Qingye's father pursed his lips, and he choked.
Aoba’s mother didn’t speak the whole time, she just stared at the sea in a trance, and said at this moment: “To reassure our filial daughter, we must not be sad.” Her words surprised me, she was totally different from the wailing woman six years ago.
"Mom is right, we have to be happy so that my sister can feel at ease." Qingye's eldest brother said.
"Your wife, right? You are very happy." Aoba's father suddenly turned to me again.
"..." I was startled for a moment, I didn't know what he said, and my face felt hot and cold.
"Don't worry. I know about you." He stopped looking at me, "When I beat and scolded Aoba, she said that they are not shameful people, that you are an intellectual from a big city, and you also like women .”
"Oh..." I understand, but the person next to me is my sister-in-law, not my lover, and I don't have a lover...
"Your parents are amazing parents, I'm ashamed—" He stood up and sighed to the sky, then turned and walked away alone, with such an old and hunchbacked back, at least ten years older than his actual age...
"Thank you, Aoba once had a friend who understood her..." Aoba's mother said, her eyes filled with tears.I walked over and took her hand, her hand was as rough as my mother's, her dark face was wrinkled and blotchy, she had aged prematurely.
"That sentence you just said is very good, you are a strong mother." I said.
"I can only do this, I can't keep crying, I'm sorry for my daughter. Xiaoying's mother is stupid, she jumped into the sea with her daughter, Xiaoying must know how sad she is. Qingye has always loved to laugh. When she was a child, she saw us and didn't smile. She is sad and afraid." She looked at me with tears in her eyes and smiled, the saddest and most touching smile in the world, "To be alive, to be happy..."
The words of this woman shocked me, and the words of their couple shocked me. People often reach another level after experiencing it, even ordinary fishermen like them.
In the afternoon, Aoba's eldest brother came to the hotel to find me.
"Sister Wenqing, is this your book?" He held a collection of Pushkin's poems in his hand.
It’s my book, the only book I brought with me when I left S City. It contains An’an’s favorite "To the Sea", and she likes to listen to my recitation of "To the Sea". Go to the seaside, let me read to her in front of the sea... I put it in my backpack, although I don't necessarily see it, but only as an intimate existence.I left it behind when I left the island.
"It's my book, I thought I lost it long ago." I took the book and smiled gratefully at him.
"At that time, I heard that you were sick and left. I forgot to take some things. I thought you might come back, so I put them away for you." He smiled shyly on his sun-tanned face.
"Thank you! You are such a caring child!"
"Well, my sister's friends are my friends."
"Happy life!" I patted his shoulder, eyes wet.
"Well, you too." He smiled and turned away.
I leaned against the door for a long time, until his figure was too far away to be seen, and the words that shocked me today echoed in my mind: to live, to be happy...
[-]. Days without you
I thought a lot that evening, the words and deeds of the Aoba family deeply touched me, I thought about what my sister-in-law said, maybe I really want to change myself.At night, I leaned on the bed and flipped through the yellowed Pushkin poetry collection, and my eyes were fixed on a page that I suddenly turned to:
Numbers Wen Qing must remember:
1——You are my only, I am your only
2——You and I form a perfect world
3——Three most beautiful words: I love you, you love me
4 - Love Never Dies
5——No matter the ends of the earth, our hearts are together
6—Six words spoken every day: I love you, I miss you
7—Looking forward to growing up
8 - leave you behind
9 - Forever and ever
10 - life after life, life after life
There are also a series of phone numbers below, from Liba Village, from S City, Xin Dekang's mobile phone number, and Su Weiying's foreign phone number!
I don't even know when An An wrote this, was it when I recited "To the Sea" to her for the last time...
I stared at Su Weiying's phone, my heart was beating so fast that my palms were sweating.I dialed that number.
"Hello!" Su Weiying's voice!
"Sister Weiying, I'm Wen Qing." I adjusted my tone.
"Wen Qing! Is it really Wen Qing?" She was exaggeratedly surprised.
"Yes, I'm Wenqing. Sorry to bother you..."
"Wen Qing! I've always wanted to find you!" Her voice was urgent.
"Oh——" I felt cold all over, and her words gave me this understanding: I have always wanted to settle accounts with you!
"Miss Weiying, I'm sorry, I just want to know if An'an is okay..." My voice was obviously quieter, like a child who has made a mistake and has no face to face others, and at the same time, my heart was so nervous that it almost stopped beating.
"Oh, hasn't An An found you yet?" Her voice was full of worry.
"An'an... Looking for me?" My mind paused for a moment.
"Oh, that's right, An An said that she would find you after she graduated from college. She left a letter to her father and left after graduating in June. She changed her mobile phone for fear that we would find her... This child, she ran to Where did it go?"
An'an looking for me, An'an looking for me... I cried, bit my lips tightly, and couldn't speak.
"Wen Qing, what's wrong?"
"Sister Weiying, I'm sorry..." My tears were still falling.
"Wen Qing, are you...married?" She asked eagerly and hesitantly.
"No." How could she ask this question?
"Do you have... a girlfriend?"
"No……"
"Do you still love An'an?"
"Love, always love her, only love her." I couldn't help it, and didn't care if I lost my temper.
"Oh. I've already bought a plane ticket back home. Shall we make an appointment to meet up?" Her tone was surprisingly calm, and she seemed to be a little happy, as if she finally let go of her breath.
"it is good."
"Oh, don't think badly, I hope you and An'an... are both happy." It was still a calm, soft voice.
What a great mother and what a kind friend.I still have any reason to be sad, any reason to shrink back...
My sister-in-law went home alone, and I went to Jiangnan, where Su Weiying and I made an appointment.
On the second day after arriving in Jiangnan, I met Su Weiying.
Although she is in her fifties, she still looks very young, just a little rich.I don't know whether it's the good air in foreign countries or the environment that nourishes people. I found that people who came back from America, Australia, and Europe seemed to have changed their skin color.
"Sister Weiying—hello!" I stood up from my seat and greeted her who had just entered the hotel entrance.
"Oh, hello! Sorry to keep you waiting." She smiled and walked over.
We have been dating for more than ten years, and we have not said a few polite words, and we are not people who like politeness.
After sitting down, Su Weiying stared at me for a long time. Under her gaze, I felt uncomfortable, and soon my heart beat faster, and my whole face was hot. I avoided her eyes, panicked, and didn’t know what to say .
"Wen Qing, you haven't changed much." She finally looked away, "But I can see that you are very unhappy, you are much more depressed and haggard."
"Well, yes." I smiled.
"A few years ago, An'an was also very melancholy. Oh, why are you...so stupid?"
Seeing me bowed my head and said nothing, she said again: "I have experienced many things in my life. I understand you and I understand An An. Things are already like this. I can only bless An An and you!" In her eyes Shining brightly.
"Sister Weiying..." I didn't go on, I couldn't go on.
"Don't be like this. I don't feel good seeing you sad. Life can't be so bitter. I hope to see you smile and see you happy. I owe An An too much, and I only hope she can be happy." She couldn't help crying "I know why An'an likes you so much, you are too kind and understanding. With you, An'an is also happy..."
"Sister Weiying, thank you!" I held her hand tightly, with tears of gratitude on my face.
After we all calmed down, Su Weiying told me about An'an's situation in the past six years.
After I left, An An didn't say a word for a whole month. No matter how Xin Dekang persuaded, coaxed or scolded her, she kept silent and often cried for no reason. The same was true for Fang Shujuan and her younger brother.Later, the teacher also called Xin Dekang, saying that An An seemed to be a different person, she was silent and in a daze every day, and suggested taking her to see a doctor.Xin Dekang finally got scared, so he told Su Weiying about the situation.Su Weiying was very anxious after hearing this, and came back immediately.
Seeing her mother, An An didn't have any special reaction.Su Weiying's heartache and fear were caused by her completely different appearance from when she graduated from junior high school. The sunny child had completely disappeared, and the thin and pale girl in front of her was simply a sleepwalker.The distressed mother cried bitterly while hugging her devastated child.
Su Weiying decided to stay in the country, and she would not leave if An An was not good.She rented a house to live in, and persuaded Xin Dekang to take An An to live there, and asked An An for a month's leave.An An prefers Su Weiying's tolerance and openness to Xin Dekang's autocracy and tradition.Su Weiying didn't teach her a lesson, nor asked her what was on her mind, but just took her to "tour" around the city every day, and talked with her about various scenes and topics with interest as much as possible.Take her to the market together, and ask her to cook together after returning home.After two weeks of this, An An finally called her "Mom—" and cried loudly while hugging her.The mother who had been frightened for half a month was so excited that her daughter was finally "alive"...
Su Weiying didn't dare to be careless, and still didn't dare to inquire about her daughter's concerns. She just wanted to accompany her, love her, and be considerate of her.Her patience and caring made An An take the initiative to open up her inner world with her little by little.The helpless girl finally found a "friend" she could trust completely.When listening to An An's story, Su Weiying was still cautious and did not dare to touch her wound casually. An An was her only daughter, her dearest child, and the poor child she had "let go" for more than ten years. My daughter regained her confidence and happiness, no matter what the cost.
An An is not a willful and unreasonable child. Facing such a mother, she became more and more frank, and the burden in her heart became lighter and lighter.Su Weiying stayed in China for a whole year. During this year, she found out with great pain how many beautiful things she had missed and how many precious experiences she had lost.She knew An An's entire childhood and adolescence in detail, everything about her daughter and the "literary master" tutor, and what was going on in the mind of her sixteen or seventeen-year-old daughter. What a noble and beautiful heart in a rich and vast world.It brought tears to her eyes every time she thought about it.
A year later, An An's mood stabilized. She regained her self-confidence and her belief in learning and enterprising. She has grown up, even matured, and is no longer easily influenced by the people and things around her, and is not affected by the environment , she strengthened her dream and persisted in her pursuit.She made a deal with her friend-like mother: study hard, be proactive, grow up healthy, and get Wen Qing back after graduating from university.
Such immature "ideal" makes Su Weiying's heart hang again. Although her attitude towards homosexuality is not as extreme as Xin Dekang's, and she can even accept it, but if Wen Qing already has her own home and life, will An An collapse again? ?Such an "ideal" is too dangerous!But he didn't dare to hit his daughter's hard-won confidence immediately.So every winter and summer vacation, she would go back to China, travel around with An An, broaden her horizons, strengthen her will, and try to express her worries and hopes.An An understands her mother, the calm girl said: Wen Qing said that she would wait for me to grow up, I believe her above everything, her letter must not come from the heart.If she did have her own home at that time, I would bless her. Since I was a child, my biggest wish is to see her happy. If she is happy, I will be happy too.
Su Weiying once said to An An: If your mother has been growing up with you by your side, you will not love girls.It's my mother who is sorry for you.
An An said: Mom, don't blame yourself, it's none of your business.If I knew that there was a Wenqing in this world, but I didn't meet him, I would regret and feel sad for the rest of my life.
Hearing such words, Su Weiying was heartbroken, and knew An An's determination. Maybe she would change when she grew up... She let go of her worries, and only tried her best to encourage and help her daughter, and truly enjoy the joy of being a mother.
An An no longer conflicted with Xin Dekang, she knew her own direction, and she learned to be silent and patient.After graduating from high school, An An was admitted to a national key art academy and majored in arts and crafts design. For four years, she has been a top student in the academy...
"Wen Qing, in fact, I still want to thank you. You have paid too much for An An. An An's good grades and quality are all influenced by you. Sometimes I feel that I am sorry for you..." Su Weiying sincerely held the already crying My hands got messed up.
"Sister Weiying, I'm sorry, thank you..." I had mixed feelings, and I was a little at a loss for what to say.
"Through An'an, I got to know you again, you are a very good woman." She looked at me with tears and said with a smile. "Do you know which song An An likes to listen to the most these years? It's "About Winter" by Qi Qin. I know what she's thinking. In fact, she loves the two lines of the lyrics 'In the days without you, I You will cherish yourself even more. In the years without me, you have to take care of yourself', An An has done it, and I hope you can do the same, and accompany her to grow old in a healthy and happy way." After she finished speaking, she withdrew her hand and covered her face. face weeping.
I know the complicated feelings of a mother who said such words, I said: "Sister Weiying, I will definitely! Don't worry!"
"I believe it, I believe it." She took her hand away and looked at me with a smile in her red eyes.
[-]. Tracking down alma mater
After all, she is an older woman, Su Weiying told me not to worry too much, no matter what, An An will contact her mother sooner or later.She won't leave until she sees An An. After An An graduated from high school, she married an aboriginal man in a foreign country. Her life is relatively comfortable and she can arrange her time freely.
We spent two days together and left each other's contact information, Su Weiying returned to his hometown - a village in the south of the Yangtze River.
After Su Weiying left, I was at a loss for a while, not knowing what to do and where to go.I kept thinking, where would An An find me?I described my hometown to her: peach blossoms, redbuds, banyan trees, acacia trees, phoenix trees, longan, lychees, coconuts, sugarcane fields, rice fields... She can only know that I am in the south. The south is so big, how can I find one? Ordinary people?The works I have published have never had a brief introduction of the author, and I will not disclose my hometown and address.Looking for a needle in a haystack, as smart as Anan, would she do such a stupid thing?
I reviewed the places we talked about again. She said that there are three places that she wants to go most: my hometown, my university, and the seaside.She doesn't know my hometown, the seaside is an extremely broad concept, and she can only go to my university.She knows which university I went to - many of my literature books were bought at the school bookstore when I was in college, and they all bear the seal of our school bookstore.
My university is in Jiangnan.
Going back to the university that has been away for nearly 20 years is like going to a strange world. It is not the school that has changed, but me. The person who has lived here for four years seems to have nothing to do with me.Strolling on the familiar school road, in front of the teaching building, on the court, by the lake... Following the footprints of the past, looking for the feeling of the year, the two Is are constantly overlapping, separated for a while, and merged into one for a while, in the past and the present, Walking back and forth between dreams and reality.
I often walk without looking at people, not because I am arrogant, but because I have always been used to staying in my thoughts, in an invisible "inner world".I was in a trance at my alma mater for a long time before I realized my purpose of coming back, An An, where would she be?How can I find her on such a big campus?I have described our teaching building, dormitory, dining hall, playground, library, art gallery, lawn and lake to her, but how can I find her?If she really wanted to come here to look for me, she would definitely stay here... I immediately walked to the school's guest house. I explained my identity and purpose, and looked through the entire month's check-in registration. Ann, she is not here.
An'an wouldn't look for me like this, it's also looking for a needle in a haystack, just like I'm looking for a needle in a haystack now.I walked blankly on the school road full of sycamores, looking up at the sky.What a beautiful tree, majestic, noble, simple in color and gorgeous in posture.If An An was here, I would hold her hand and take a walk here every day. If An An was here, I would tell her every story of our school, every landscape, every corner I have stayed in, just like When An An was in junior high school, every Friday night I described her life to me, and every time my parents would show me her campus...
"Wen Qing, is that you Wen Qing?" There were two people standing in front of him.
"Lan Ying... Teacher Ying!" Those two people are my classmates and my teacher!
"Wen Qing!—" Lan Ying yelled and ran towards me.We hugged each other tightly, laughing and screaming, as we used to do in our school days.
"Teacher Ying—" I turned around and held Teacher Ying, who taught us the history of foreign literature, tightly. His hair was already grey, but his face was full of red.
"Wen Qing, you child, where have you been, huh? I hope you will come back and toast me with a cup of tea, and your hair will turn white." Teacher Ying is still bright and childish.
"Teacher Ying, I will respect you later!" I smiled, as if I had really changed his "child".
"Where have you been? I haven't seen you every class reunion, and none of the teachers and classmates know your whereabouts. You guys seem to have evaporated!" Lan Ying blamed me. The eyes of my school friends wanted to kill me.
"Wen Qing, you should check yourself carefully, you made us worry to death! How could this well-behaved and sloppy Wen Qing just throw it away!" Teacher Ying looked at me lovingly while joking.
"Well, teacher, I was wrong. I'll invite you to dinner later, and I'll write a self-criticism." I made a face.
"Oh, how can I forgive you like this, you have to come back every year, bring a few pages of self-criticism, and read it to everyone at the class reunion, and show your impassioned recitation style again!" Teacher Ying haha laugh it out.
"Teacher Ying, let's sit down at the Lingering Garden Restaurant and have a chat, shall we? We don't have classes in the afternoon." Lan Ying said.
"Okay, okay, let's have a good chat. After ten or twenty years, the child is finally willing to go home..." Teacher Ying was really emotional.
"Teacher Ying, later, Good Wenqing will offer you a dozen or twenty cups of tea, and make up for it every year." I walked up to the university teacher who was closest to us.
"Your self-criticism is unqualified. You have fed me enough water and no food. You little devil, you still want to play tricks..." He gave me a reproachful look, with tears in his eyes .
It was good to be back with my teacher, as if I was still the same kid back then, free to be selfish, make mistakes, and always be forgiven in the end.
We sat down in a room with a window in the school's Lingering Garden restaurant.
"Teacher Ying, I'm really sorry! I haven't come back to see you after graduation for so long." I sincerely apologized.
"And I'm sorry for us! Everyone swears that they will kill you when you come back!" Lan Ying was still furious.
"Now I am the fish, and you are the knife. If you want to chop, chop, butcher, please do as you please!" I said
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