Love you as life

I can't take it away, it will stay in An'an's world forever.

But I must leave.I can't help it, I can explode, I can't fail to see her in a world with An An...

Before leaving S City, I packed and mailed all the books back to my hometown, and I didn’t bring anything else, except for a few sets of clothes that I changed with me.I don't have words in the mail and don't know what use it is to send the book back, I'm never going home at all, I just don't want to throw it away.After wandering around S City for a long time, I couldn't think of where to go.Only then did I realize that I was already an "autistic" patient in the full sense, with no home, relatives, or friends. I completely closed myself off, and my world was only An'an and Liba Village.Unknowingly, I don't know if the world has abandoned me, or I have abandoned the world.

Eleven years ago, I still had a dream of becoming a writer and a young heart that could cheer me up, but now I don’t have it, and everything doesn’t interest me.Books, texts, paintings, travel, and photography that I once loved are all unattractive and meaningless.My eyes and my heart went blank.

I just glanced at this island in City N in a magazine in front of a bookstall on the street, and then came here empty-handed, not knowing why I came here.After arriving, I found that I came to listen to the tide, to find a hug with a voice and a cradle that would not be cold.Although I didn't hear the joy, at least the fear was reduced...

The sound of the waves today is as familiar as it was six years ago, but it is no longer the sound chased by the waves six years ago. Six years, how many things have happened in the world in six years.It's just that my memory never fades, those days and nights accompanied by the waves are so clear, so shockingly vivid.

[-]. The stars that fell into the sea

The next morning, I took my sister-in-law to visit the fishing village. Many fishermen have returned from fishing, and many are preparing to go out to sea. Fishing boats of all sizes on the blue waves come and go in the morning sun. It is a bustling scene full of vitality.

"It's so beautiful!" The sister-in-law couldn't help but admire.

"As tourists, we find it beautiful, but as struggling survivors, they are miserable," I said.

"Yes, it's not easy for them." Sister-in-law's eyes darkened.People in their forties, although they can still maintain romantic feelings, should already have a deep understanding of survival.

Living by the sea, going back and forth in the wind and waves, only the fishermen themselves know what it is like.Since the island was opened up as a tourist area, their life has become better day by day, but they have lost a lot of the peace of the past, at least this is not their home in the pure sense.In fact, this is not their home, but their habitat for a certain period of time.Fishermen have no home, and they will make their homes all over the world as their living conditions change and the needs of the living environment change.Sometimes the family is on a boat, and a few members of the family are squeezed into one bed on a boat and float around.The elderly and children often stay in the huts on the shore, and the middle-aged people go out to make a living, and they go there for a month or two or even a year or so.If there are no old people, just friends, young and old, take care of each other.For older children who want to go to school, they go to a suitable nearby village and town, and several families share a house, let the children live and study, and take them back to the island during the winter and summer vacations.Because the time interval between each meeting is too long, adults and children have a sense of strangeness.

We shuttled around the market in the fishing village, watching all kinds of seafood and various people. I unconsciously looked for those familiar faces, but I couldn’t find them. Is the impression blurred, or have changed too much, or have already left? In another country, I have no way of knowing.

"Wen Qing, you are very familiar with this place!" My sister-in-law followed me around the crowd, then to the fisherman's residential area, and then to the barbecue area and tent area in the woods.

"Well, I've lived here for almost two months." I smiled.I am familiar with every house, every hillside, every forest, and every piece of sand here. I wandered here every day in those days...

In the evening, we went to another beach, a quieter one.

"Sister Hong, do you still want to hear the story?" I looked at the golden sea.

"Do you still have a story?" Sister-in-law turned to me.

"It's not my story, it's someone else's story." I glanced at her quietly.

"Okay, I'm willing to listen to you if you like to talk." The sister-in-law smiled knowingly.

I don't like to tell it, but this story is engraved too deeply in my heart.

At the seaside, I can no longer integrate into the new environment and meet new friends like when I first arrived in Liba Village, let alone start a new life. There is no purpose in coming here.But if you look at the sea after eating and sleeping every day, people will also go crazy.I want to find a way to fill some long and boundless time, and stuff some real things into the empty heart, even if it is a mechanical action without consciousness and memory, I want to make the already empty heart not too panic.

I went to the fishing village, collected fish with the fishermen, cleaned the fishing nets, helped the old people and children who stayed on the shore dry their clothes, and cleaned up.People who have been in the sea for a long time are often very silent, and I need silence.I don't want to talk, I don't want to say a word, as long as I can do what others ask me to do, I will do it, only actions, no words.At first they looked at me with strange eyes, but then they got used to it and smiled at me, and I only smiled at them, and left when they were done and all was fine.As soon as I turn around, I will forget the world behind me. In fact, many times I don’t remember anything...

One evening, I went to the mountain because I heard a very loud bird song, a very sad and desperate bird song, and I was very sensitive to that sound.In the middle of the mountain, I found two people.Two fourteen or fifteen-year-old girls stood under a big tree, hugging and kissing.I froze, forgot to walk, and just watched without moving.I looked at it for a long time, until something hit my head, and I screamed in surprise.It is a fruit that fell from the tree.The two girls quickly separated, looking at me bewilderedly.

"I'm sorry, I..." I was incoherent and didn't know what to say.

They looked at me in panic, their faces turned pale.I finally came to my senses: "I just happened to pass by... Don't be afraid, I won't hurt you, I won't say, absolutely won't say."

They glanced at each other, then turned to me, and still said nothing.

"Trust me. I like girls too..." I found myself crying, tears streaming down my face in front of the two children.

The two of them came towards me and walked towards each other holding each other's hands.They looked at me and at each other, and finally the taller one said, "Don't cry, we believe in you."

That evening, the three of us sat on the top of the mountain and looked at the sea. We watched the setting sun cover the entire surface of the sea with gold, flashing wave after wave, and recovering its brilliance one by one.

One of the two girls was named Aoba and the other was named Yingzi.

I never expected to meet two girls like me here. This kind of encounter did not bring me any joy or comfort. I was still confused, and even more inexplicably sad.

Aoba and Eiko invited me to their home.After going back and forth several times, I also learned their stories.

Aoba has a grandmother and two younger brothers. Her parents often go out to sea to do some small business along the coast, and they usually come back after a month or two.Yingzi has an older brother, whose father was buried in the sea in a storm, and his mother couldn't bear it anymore, so she tried to earn some food money from the men around her. There are many single men in the fishing village, and many of them ran away from their wives... Mom thinks It is hidden from the children, but the fishing boat is a whole family, and the Yingzi brothers and sisters can see everything clearly.Unable to live up to expectations, Yingzi's brother became a self-willed and depraved gangster, and later ran off the island to make a living.In the past few years, Yingzi has grown up, and she can no longer live with her mother on the boat, so she stays at the house of her friend Aoba, who is the same age. The two go to school together, and go back together when they are on vacation.It has been almost a year since we got along as close as we are now.

Aoba's house is very simple, but it is clean, not because of the old man. The two girls are clever, hardworking and sensible, and they keep the house clean and tidy. The old man is very pleased, and the two younger brothers are also well-behaved.

For these two bright girls in their youth, I am filled with unspeakable complex feelings, and I don’t want to dare to think about their growth and future in depth, just to let their beautiful faces come alive. It unfolds in front of your eyes, only as a kind of beautiful existence.I can't add any more pain to my heart...

One day about half a month later, on a breezy morning, I was woken up by the cry of the submerged waves.

After walking out the door, I found that the beach on one side was full of people, men and women, middle-aged and elderly people, and children tightly held by adults.The group of dark people was silent, and a shrill woman's cry came from among them.

I walked over unconsciously, my heart was beating wildly, this scene was very embarrassing.I squeezed into the crowd and got into the center of the crowd.Suddenly I felt my breathing stopped.

There were two people lying in front of them, with pale and gray faces, disheveled hair covered in sand, distended stomachs, wet clothes sticking to their bodies, white and swollen hands and feet...

Aoba, Xiaoying, Aoba, Xiaoying... My hands and feet are cold, my whole body is shaking, and my eyes are black.I don't know where the strength came from, I suddenly pushed aside the crowd, ran wildly, ran more than half of the long coastline, and finally lay down on the sand by the forest, gasping for breath, got up again, shouted to the sea, I didn't know what to shout, so I yelled hard, crazily, until my throat was hot and my voice was hoarse, and finally I fell down on the sand, tears streaming down my face, tears streaming down my face!

In the evening, the fisherman's child who rented out the house to me found me and took me back for dinner.I followed behind those two ten-year-old and 12-year-old children, moving my feet mechanically.I ate a lot, ate a lot without feeling it, and didn't stop until I couldn't hold on.Seeing me like that, the fisherman's family comforted me a few words, and then fell silent. Their moods were equally solemn.

After dinner, I went out again. I wanted to go out to a very wide space, so that I would not be suffocated.I lay blankly on the beach, basking in the sunset, moonlight, and starlight.I watched the orange sky turn red, turn pink, turn blue, turn dark blue and turn black, the stars lit up bit by bit, the boundless universe, the boundless sky, the boundless vastness, the boundless vastness, the boundless silence, the boundless eternity .Those small stars are eyes, affectionate, lonely, far away, desperate, slowly, one by one fell into the sea, the unfathomable black sea, when I sat up, stood up At that time, all the stars above the head fell into the sea...

Later I knew the reason of the matter, in fact, I also guessed it, had a premonition, but I just didn't want to think.

Qingye and Xiaoying's intimate behavior was discovered by Qingye's parents who came home suddenly, and they confessed the truth under the pressure of their parents.Qingye was severely beaten by her father and locked up at home.Yingzi was driven back to her mother's boat. The already desperate mother went crazy, grabbed her daughter's hair, and erupted all her years of depression, humiliation, and grievances on her child. What was fatal was that this mother not only treated Daughter, with language made vicious by pain and excitement...

The two girls who grew up together couldn't bear such pressure and insult, so they sneaked out in the dark and jumped into the sea together.Many fishermen's children can't swim. Parents worry that their children will run into the sea if they can swim, so they simply don't allow them to learn to swim. This way, the children will not dare to go into the water, and the parents can go out with peace of mind...

It was Aoba's mother and Xiaoying's mother who were crying that day. The two women were crying and confessing their sins and pain in public...

"This incident stimulated you so much, so you have depression?" After my story ended, we were silent for a long time, my sister-in-law said softly.

I said nothing, just smiled at her.I have been very depressed for a long time. When I was still with Xiaoling, how much pressure we were under.And when my father kicked me out of the house, when I was alone in college during the Chinese New Year, I knew how depressed I was.Only because of Xiaoling, I can still find comfort and happiness.After Xiaoling left, I almost fell down on the train tracks. It was An An who gave me sunshine and air.My Ann is also gone, I have no more sunshine, no more air.The matter of Aoba and Xiaoying is just a trigger, the outbreak of my depression is inevitable, it is only a matter of time...

[-]. Out of the world

The night Aoba and Eiko committed suicide, I suffered from insomnia.

I lay in the dark, rough fisherman's rental house, with my eyes wide open until dawn.The faces of Aoba and Eiko flashed in front of my eyes, with rouge faces and bright smiles.Those two discolored corpses were placed upright in front of me, horizontally, vertically, and spinning.The sea waves that night were no longer warm, no longer an embrace, it was a huge fierce slap, a grim, panting face, a roaring bloody mouth, overwhelming insults and curses , It is an iron hoof that tramples people's mind and body.I listened to its sound and shivered in the June night.

The next day, I still went to the fishing village to help the fishermen. I tried my best not to think, but in fact I had no thoughts at that time.I worked without saying a word. I worked more and longer than any other day. I didn't know that I was tired, but I just knew that I couldn't stop.If there is no work to do, I go to the beach to pick up garbage, collect them and throw them to the garbage disposal place.I went to the sand to pick up shells, picked up piles after piles, and then sorted them very finely.Then pick them up again, dig out those buried in the sand, wash them in water, dry them on stones, put them in a pile, and classify them...

When it was time to eat, I kept eating until I was full.I dare not sit on the mountain to watch the sunrise, lie on the beach to watch the sunset, dare not look at the blue water, the white clouds, the clear sky, the flying birds, the green sky The trees with graceful posture, dare not look at the stars at night, they are so beautiful, they can touch my heart so much, when I see them, I can't help but cry, keep crying.

On the second night, I also kept my eyes open until dawn, the sounds of crashing waves, the calls of seabirds, the rustling of trees in the sea breeze, and the rustling of the beach when the tide rose and receded. The sound of beeping, from far to near, from near to far, the sound enters the ears, the sound enters the heart.With my sleepless eyes open, I listen to every minute of the long night.In my mind are still Aoba and Yingzi's rouge faces, bright smiles, and white and swollen corpses lying horizontally. I am terrified, so frightened that I dare not close my eyes. Once I close them, those faces, those corpses They flew towards me like arrows...

On the third day, it was still the same. I began to be afraid of seeing the bed, and I was afraid of seeing a flat place like a bed. As soon as they appeared, I immediately thought of the insomnia that I was awake every second with horror.

Day four, day five, same thing...

On the sixth day, I started to have bouts of chills, my hands trembled, and I felt light and light like a wandering spirit.Desperately restraining my trembling limbs and lips, I went to the fishing village and to the beach.But, I really can't go on, I lost the desire to work, I lost the interest in raising my hands, I don't want to move anymore.I just sat in the room or on the rocks or on the beach, motionless.I know, I can't hold on anymore, I can't control it, I'm going to die.Thinking of death, I was so quiet, my mind became so clear.I found that I was no longer afraid, no longer afraid, no longer longing for a home, no longer longing for a hug, no longer longing for any warmth, the warmth of the world.Because I am already outside the world.

Yes, people outside the world, now I clearly know that the world has never abandoned me, nor have I abandoned the world, I have always been outside the world, and have never been a person of this world.

When I was young, my parents were not around, and I had no companions. I could not feel the warmth of family and friendship, and I could only helplessly envy the happiness of others.

When I grew up, I knew that I was in love with someone of the same sex. Since I was 14 years old, I have lived in another world without mainstream love and no future.

After being expelled from the house, I knew that among the thousands of lights, none of them would be my home.

After Xiaoling left, I knew that "that" world outside this world was only me.

After losing An'an, I knew that no matter how beautiful the world outside this world was, it must be destroyed.

A few days earlier, the tragedy of Aoba and Eiko was a complete annihilation.

Now I know that as a person outside the world, I should, can only, leave this world.This world is not mine, I am an outsider, an alien, a ghost who has strayed into the world.

I started to walk on the beach again, looking at the white sand, the blue sky and sea, the clouds moving fast, and basking in the warm sunset.I said to myself over and over again:

Goodbye, clear and soft beach, thank you for the warm hug you once gave me.

Goodbye, blue sky, thank you for giving me so many dreams and ambitions.

Goodbye, the sea, I once had infinite passion for you, how many poems I have recited to describe and praise you, how much joy those passionate thoughts and emotions have brought to my heart.

Goodbye, Liuyun, my intimate messenger, how many thoughts I have entrusted you to my loved ones. In those lost days, my heart rides on you so many mountains and beautiful scenery.

Goodbye, sunset, you accompany me through my childhood, you often stand with me at the entrance of the village, looking at the figure of my mother, and spend many days of loneliness and hope with me.You accompanied me through my youth, I often sang in front of the window, singing songs that both I and the girl I love liked, and I always believed that you warmly and brilliantly shone my singing into her heart.You accompany me through every dusk of my adult life, and make me believe that the person I look forward to will appear at sunset, and the person who loves me will definitely be by my side. You have given me and An An 11 years of waiting, thank you...

I am no longer afraid of that bed, and I am no longer afraid of insomnia. I used to think that as long as I got enough sleep, my state would be better, but then my feeling changed. If I get enough sleep, I will not be happy, and if I get enough sleep, it will be meaningless. No matter how well I sleep, I am not from this world. I have no confidence in life and myself, and I have no interest.

I just lay on the bed and listened carefully to the sound of the waves, recalling every important person who appeared in my life.The parents who gave me life, the grandma who caressed me, the brothers and sisters who gave me brotherly affection, Xiaoling who let me taste the ups and downs of love, and An An who I loved as if I cherished life.I thank God for letting me be with them, for all the feelings they bring me, and for letting me know what life is.

An'an, An'an, my dearest and dearest child, how are you?Are you OK?How sad it would be if you knew I was leaving, An An, you can’t know, you won’t know, An An, never come to me... After being quiet all day, I started to be restless again, at the end In those days, I wanted to see An An, to touch the lover and the wilderness that were already indistinguishable from a dream.Those 11 years were presented in front of me again in detail. I couldn't believe that the happy Wenqing was me, the dying me lying on the bed.I cry, my tears keep flowing, as if in my memory, I have been crying, as if my life is a river formed by tears.The river is about to dry up.

In the cold air in the middle of the night, amidst the howling waves of ghosts and wolves, I trembled again and panicked again. I tremblingly picked up my mobile phone and dialed the number at home.

It was my mother's voice, and my tears kept rushing like a raging tide.

"Mom..." I whimpered, as if I hadn't grown up, like a lonely five-year-old An An, and a sixteen-year-old An An longing for loving arms.I couldn't speak, just kept repeating: "Mom, thank you..."

In the morning, I took a handful of money to find the fishermen who rented out the house.I said:

"Here's your room and board money. Thank you."

He reached out to take it hesitantly, and looked at me carefully: "What's wrong with you? Are you uncomfortable?"

Those two question marks opened the floodgates of my self-control completely, and my tears rolled down, what warm two question marks.

"Don't be like this, what's the matter to tell me, huh?" The fisherwoman in her forties came over and put her arms around my trembling shoulders.They know that my condition is not good these days, but many people are not in a good mood during this period, not to mention that I was a little weird when I came here, not to mention that I was able to squeeze out a few smiles stiffly before today.They never saw me cry.

I can't speak, just cry.

"You look bad. Are you sick?" She patted me on the back.

I shook my head, but my whole body was shaking.

"Don't worry, we can take you to the hospital." She continued to comfort me.

"That's right, just speak up if you have something to do! Anything can be solved," said the fisherman.

"I can't sleep, I haven't slept in six days..." Those voices that had been ringing all night and all night came to my ears again.

"Hey, look at her first, I'll call two more people to take her to the N city hospital!" the fisherman said to his wife, and immediately turned and walked out of the house.

I don't know what to see in the hospital in N city, insomnia?What about insomnia?Can I see it in this state of mind?Is there a doctor who can turn me back into a person who likes to be alive?I sat next to the fisherman and thought in a daze.

The doctor in N City gave me a few pills.After I swallowed it, they took me to the ward to chat with me. I followed their questions in a confused way, and talked very excitedly.I don't know how long we talked, but I felt heavy eyelids, so I said, "I want to sleep." They said, okay, just lie down and sleep.As soon as I lay down on the bed, I lost consciousness.

Someone was arguing, and someone was calling me.

I opened my eyes and Mom was sitting on the edge of my bed.

"Mom, I'm hungry." Mom smiled at me, her eyes sparkling.

"Okay, we have prepared the meal, let's get up and eat, huh?" Mom helped me up.

"Wen Qing." Someone called me, and I looked up to see my father and brother.

"Dad, brother." I yelled and went to drink the soup my mother handed over, and then eat the rice my mother brought over.

I kept eating until my mother said: "Okay, I'm full." Then she took the lunch box in my hand.

My father and brother were talking to the doctor, but my mother still looked at me and smiled while talking to me. Why is my mother getting old?So many gray hairs, and so many wrinkles.I rubbed those wrinkles and white hair and said, "Mom, why are you old all of a sudden?" My mother hugged me and said, "Silly boy..." She stopped talking.

I looked at my father, at my brother, at the doctor, and smiled.They didn't know what they were talking about, and they kept looking at me.

"Do you want to talk?" the doctor came over and asked me.

"I want to hear you guys talk." I said, I didn't know what they were talking about, I just wanted to watch them talk.Mom let me go and talked to them too.

I don't know how long it took, but I suddenly remembered, and I took my mother's hand: "Mom, I haven't eaten dinner yet."

"Didn't you eat it?" Mom held my hand tightly.

"Have you eaten yet?" When have I eaten?

"Didn't you eat it when you woke up just now? You said the soup was delicious." Mom stretched out a hand to brush the hair on my forehead, and gently kissed my face.

"Oh, I ate it?" Why can't I remember?It seems not.I looked at my mother suspiciously.

"Silly daughter, you slept so soundly, you still haven't woken up after eating." Mom's hands were very warm.

"Oh." I still looked at her dubiously, then at my father and brother. "I want to sleep." My eyelids are heavy again.

"Okay, go to sleep." Mom helped me to lie down.Why is mother crying?I wondered for a moment.After lying down, he immediately lost consciousness again.

Six, return

Waking up again is the next morning.

The white room, the white quilt, I looked at this strange and strange space, confused.

"Wen Qing." A very familiar voice, I turned my head and saw my mother.

"Mom..." I looked at the familiar yet unfamiliar face in front of me hesitantly, "Mom, when did you come?"

My mother held my hand tightly with both hands, and tears flowed down, her lips trembling.I remembered that I was sent to the hospital by fishermen, but how could my mother know, how could I be here?A burst of cold hit me quickly, and I couldn't help but hug the quilt tightly, shivering.Those seas, those beaches, those sounds of the night... My heart was trembling, and I curled up in horror.

"Wen Qing, what's the matter? Don't be afraid, mom is here." Mom bent down and hugged me tightly.But I still feel so cold, my lips are cold and my teeth chatter.

"Wenhua, hurry up and call the doctor!" Mom's voice was also trembling.

The doctor came and gave me an injection, but I don't know what it was.It didn't take long for me to quiet down.

Mom, dad, brother, standing by the bed, looking at me with six eyes.Mom sat next to me, helped me up, and hugged me against the head of the bed.I wanted to speak, but I couldn't speak. I didn't know what to say, so I kept crying, and I couldn't stop crying.My brother came over and took my hand. My brother's hand was so warm and strong.Dad was standing by the bed, and I saw his white hair, his wrinkles, his vicissitudes and aging.Dad used to be energetic, high-spirited, high-spirited and proud, but now he looks like an old man who has suffered a lot, with a tall and thin body and a slightly hunched back.Mingrui's eyes were red, filled with tears, and his wrinkled mouth was trembling. Dad didn't speak, just looked at me like this.Looking at the daughter who was once his most beloved and made him sad.

"Dad..." I bit my trembling lips tightly.

"Don't be sad, let's go home together, don't leave again." Dad turned around after finishing speaking, he cried, he still wanted to be strong, he didn't want me to see his tears.It's still the original father, a stubborn father like me, how alike we are...

I went home and returned to my hometown where I had been away for more than ten years.

I didn't expect that I came back like this, like a refugee, a vagabond, a prisoner of war, a melancholy patient whose soul is trembling and lifeless, a dejected dying person.

As a person who still has self-esteem, I don’t want to go home like this. I don’t want to appear in front of my family in this situation. It’s just that I missed home and my mother very much that night. My mother cried and asked me where I was. As I said, on the island, in N City...

Returning to my hometown is like entering a foreign land.The young and the young leave home and the eldest returns home, the local accent remains unchanged, and the hair on the temples fades. When the children meet each other, they laugh and ask the guests where they come from.This poem rang in my heart blankly.She was a pure girl when she left, and a vicissitudes woman when she came back.When I left, my parents were in their prime, and when they came back, they were already gray at the temples.The sisters and elder brothers who played together in the past are now residents of other countries, and the classmates and friends who once knew each other got married and started businesses, and went their separate ways.Only our home, our yard, is still the same, not all the same.Things are people, but things don't matter. If you want to speak, tears will flow first.I'm not saying anything but crying...

After more than ten years, there are many strange feelings between relatives.The intimacy with my mother and brother can immediately return to the past, even closer than before.It's different with Dad.Although our relationship is still deep, and because of experience and growth, we have more understanding and consideration for each other.But the damage has been done, and the scars are so deep that it is impossible to return to the intimacy of the past.For a long time, our father and daughter's words and deeds were blunt and embarrassing, and sensitivity became a common feature of the whole family.

I found out later that my father suffered a sudden myocardial infarction last winter and almost died.Later, I underwent major surgery, and three stents were placed in my heart, and I had to take medicine for life.After being ill, my father changed completely. My mother said that he often thought about me so much that he couldn't sleep, and wept incessantly in the middle of the night.Said that he has been thinking about me, because he wants to save face, he is unwilling to ask me to go home.After the operation, he lost face and asked his brother to find a way to find me. I haven't contacted my family in the past six months, so he was very anxious.I received the book I sent back a while ago, but I didn’t see a single word, and I was a little flustered. I insisted that my brother go to S City to find me, and my address was made up...

I also learned about all kinds of things that happened at home in the past ten years, and then I realized that what my brothers and sisters said on the phone before was lying to me, just like I lied to them.

My family has always been afraid to ask me about Xiaoling and me, or about my stay on the island, for fear of provoking me. They were frightened by my condition.I knew what they were thinking, and later I took the initiative to tell them that Xiaoling had left me and she was married.I omitted the story of An'an, Qingye and Xiaoying... They always thought that Xiaoling and I lived happily for more than ten years, but now because of Xiaoling's departure, I collapsed.

I'm devastated.

When I got home, my emotions were not stable, and I still couldn't enjoy being alive.All day long, I cry in addition to panic.I panic when I see a bed, panic when it gets dark, and panic no matter where I go.I cry when I hear a familiar song, cry when I hear a provocative advertisement, cry when I hear birdsong, cry when I see the moonlight, cry when I see a flower and a grass, blowing strands of familiar morning The wind also sheds tears...they are so beautiful and familiar, they can touch my heart too much...every minute of life is a kind of torture, I thought, how long will I live, how long will I be tortured?I don't want these feelings, don't, not for a minute...

At first I went to see a doctor in the Department of Psychology and Psychiatry of the Provincial Hospital, then I went to the Provincial Psychiatric Hospital, and then I went to the Inpatient Department of the Provincial Psychiatric Hospital.In the department of psychology and psychiatry, under the guidance of the doctor, I told them stories tremblingly, saying that I wanted to commit suicide, and they asked me all day long if I had taken any action, and I said no.Later, I found out after being reminded by others that they were very impatient.I just started to just prescribe and take medicine.After a long time, I was still capricious. Under the introduction of my friend, my mother took me to the provincial mental hospital. I went there once every two weeks. When I went there, I queued up for two or three hours. I was in the waiting room. Looking at the patients who are similar to me, looking at the messages about depression hanging on the wall, what I remember most is: 50.00% of the suicides in the world are depression patients. Once depression relapses, it will double, so it must be You have to watch it, you must keep watching it... Then I saw the doctor, and the doctor wrote a prescription while asking. I haven't finished talking and the prescription has been written. It took less than 5 minutes before and after. I understand that there are too many patients...

Later, my friend introduced that it would be better to go to the inpatient department, where the doctor can prescribe a month's worth of medicine at a time, so that I don't have to travel so hard.So my mother accompanied me to the inpatient department again. In the inpatient department, I saw many people, many patients, group by group, were collectively locked in a barbed wire fence similar to a playground, and some were in houses with multiple rooms and single rooms. Human room...they giggled when they saw me, yelled, waved and danced wildly.I think, if one day I will become like this, I must end myself while I am still awake.The doctor in the inpatient department is also very busy. She also prescribed the medicine in a few minutes, and said the same sentence every time: "Be happy, don't think so much, huh?"

Two years later, a very good psychiatrist, Dr. Chan, came to the hospital in my hometown. From now on, I don't have to travel so far...

Unexpectedly, the medicine turned out to be useful, and I stabilized.I started to want to live, and sometimes