Love you as life

.

"Hahaha, okay, no kidding. Now you have to report to us the revolutionary experience of the past ten years." Teacher Ying said.

How to say it?The joy of replying just now disappeared in an instant. "I'm... wandering around... wandering around... like Raz in India's The Wanderer." I smiled.I suddenly thought of "The Song of Raz":

到处 流浪

到处 流浪

命运 伴 我 奔向 远方

……

我 没约 会 也 没有 人 我 前往

到处 流浪

……

我 和 任何 人 没 来往

都 没 来往

……

好 比 星辰迷茫 在 黑暗 当中

到处 流浪

……

"Well, I feel a little bit." Teacher Ying said.

"Wen Qing, you don't know, your works are the most widely spread among our classmates." Lan Ying said.

"How come? There are many students who write better than me." I was surprised.

"This is the effect of your disappearance, you are so cunning!" Lan Ying said, "I want to know Wen Qing's situation, so I have to read her works!"

"Hey, even an old man like me has read a lot." Teacher Ying said.

"Oh, I'm making a fool of myself..." I disappeared for so long, thinking that the world didn't want me anymore, but it turned out that so many people have been thinking about me, two warm currents slid down my face.

"Fool, I'm crying too. We know you must have a hard time. Wen Qing was so kind and enthusiastic back then, how could he abandon us. You don't know how much we worry about you. You have always been so sentimental, although you always try to behave Be cheerful...don't cry..." Lan Ying turned her face away, and her eye circles were also red.Classmates and friends in the dormitory for four years, we have shared the "years of burning **".

"Oh, girls in the Chinese department, literature has really hurt you, you are so sentimental!" Teacher Ying said.

We just realized how embarrassing it is to shed tears in front of the teacher.

"Wen Qing, your articles are indeed very good! They are much more mature than what you wrote when you were studying, especially the works about life in the mountains. They are very in-depth, natural and simple, and have a taste! I have never liked reading Chinese novels. Yes, but I am very interested in your Wenqing masterpiece!" Teacher Ying smiled.

"Well, thank you for the teacher's praise and encouragement! Hehehe, it's embarrassing to be praised by the teacher like this..." I was very embarrassed, remembering that my graduation thesis was about analyzing foreign literary classics, and he drew red lines and crosses all over it. Let me revise three or four times.

"Oh, we are so envious of reading your works, you seem to be traveling the world!" Lan Ying said.

"Hahaha, the harvest of the homeless." Like her, the rain has turned sunny again.

"There is one thing that I'm not satisfied with, very dissatisfied." Teacher Ying shook her head of white hair, "You think you are very free and easy, you can fool ordinary readers, but you can't fool your classmates and teachers."

"Oh..." I know, I can't lie, we all study words...

"I was thinking, what's wrong with this child? Why does he hide so much loneliness and sadness, and sometimes he is desperate and world-weary, and he can't do it like this when he is engaged in literature." Teacher Ying's eyes are deep, just like when he was with him in class back then. We explore writers' minds as much as their souls. "You're not married yet, are you?" he asked suddenly.

"Oh, yes..." I was most afraid of asking this question.

"Oh, you child..." He sighed.

"Teacher Ying, how did you know?" Lan Ying was curious.

"Didn't you see that her works never write about love, as if deliberately hiding and escaping, just an image of an ascetic monk. There are roughly two reasons for people who never write about love, either because they are extremely happy or in pain It's terrible, Wen Qing is definitely not the former." Teacher Ying's keen eyesight is recognized by everyone, "Wen Qing, no matter what, we like to see you who are really cheered up and happy, don't let the teacher and classmates down! We look forward to Come that day!"

"Wen Qing, don't cry... Remember, we will always be by your side, 'No matter how the world changes, our friendly heart will not change', we like listening to your songs the most, we all hope you are happy!" Lan Ying look at me.

I remember, I can sing Alan Tam's "A Thousand Years Unchanged" in Cantonese, and you always want me to sing:

How did the world change

friendly heart not broken

The trend is chaotic and not chaotic

Everyone always advises

So you and I don't meet

Greetings are warmer

Sincerely and sincerely

For thousands of years, this heart remains unchanged

have true friendship with each other

For thousands of years, this heart remains unchanged

……

You also especially like to hear me recite Cao Cao's "Duan Ge Xing": How much is life if you sing to wine?For example, the dew in the morning has a lot of bitterness in the past day.Generosity should be generous, and worries and thoughts are unforgettable.How to solve the problem, only Du Kang... laughed and said that I read "so Cao Cao", he should learn from me, establish lofty ideals, and make contributions...

My alma mater, I came back to look for An'an, unintentionally looking for me in the past, and rediscovering the long-lost classmate, teacher-student friendship, so deep and so beautiful.How could I not cry, as if a child who traveled far away returned to his mother's arms, so warm and powerful...

[-]. Lights and stars

I left Jiangnan on an evening flight, and I happened to be seated by the window again.After sitting down, I habitually lean on the back of the chair, close my eyes and meditate, sorting out the scenes, fragments and thoughts that have filled my mind in the past few days.

Lan Ying and Teacher Ying talked to me about the situation of my alma mater and most of my classmates in the past ten years. My classmates have been distributed in all walks of life: editors of newspapers and magazines, reporters, writers, middle school teachers, university professors, leaders, company employees, CEOs of companies, studying abroad and moving overseas... Although they are of different levels, most of them have successful careers and a good life.

When parting, Teacher Ying said: "Wenqing, I hope you will bring someone to meet me and all the classmates. I can't wait too long at my age! I appreciate your unworldly elegance, but you live in the mundane world. You will find a lot of warmth in society and people. You don’t have to be Van Gogh to make art.”

Lan Ying also said: "You should come back often when you are free. There are more than a dozen students in our class staying in this city. When you come, we will treat you in turn. If you are happy to come here to settle down, we will be hosts together. Ha ha, continue Sing to wine!"

My teacher, my classmate, brought me so much in just a few hours, let me pick up the lost golden rice ears bit by bit, return to the me full of ideals and desires, and let me regain Find faith and hope.

I always think that I am a solo dancer, in a deserted place, there are only performers and no audience.Now I find that I have so many enthusiastic audiences thousands of miles away. They once gave the loudest and most enthusiastic applause. Although they know that mountains and rivers will wipe out these praises, they still do not forget their concern and support.What is my Wenqing?An ordinary student, classmate, and author, I have never given anything, but I have received so much. I am ashamed of my pessimism, my cowardice, and my self-pity...

"Passengers please fasten your seat belts now..." The flight attendant's soft and bright voice interrupted my thoughts.I opened my eyes and looked at the beautiful and tidy face of the stewardess not far in front of me. It was a face that always smiled at the guests.Bright eyes, white teeth, pink face, rouge lips, and a round voice.That is a woman who reminds people of spring flowers and autumn waters, stars and bright moons.Are the stories behind them also so bright?

And those passengers around me, those young and old, healthy and disabled, all over the world, as an existing "life", they are the same, calm and safe, as an active "soul", What kind of ups and downs did they have in their mental journeys?

"Avatamsaka Sutra" says: "One flower, one world, one leaf, one Tathagata".The British poet Blake's "Innocence Prophecy" said: "A grain of sand is a world, a flower is a heaven. Holding infinity in both hands, a moment is eternity..." Every individual life has a complete and unique self-world.But no matter what, every heart will have sorrows and joys, and every seemingly happy smiling face will have bitter and painful moments. This is the identity of all lives.Because of this oneness, all life is one again, and should not feel alone, unable to separate itself from the secular society to which it belongs.But I only pay attention to the uniqueness of life, ignore its identity, and only immerse myself in my own world, forgetting the joys and sorrows that coexist in the vast sea of ​​people outside—that is a great power to deal with personal misfortune... …

I have always thought of myself as a person who has ideals and works hard to live up to my life, but now I feel so ashamed to say this.

What is my ideal?What am I after?

Su Weiying said that when she was young, she pursued knowledge and civilization and was admitted to a university.When she was in college, she pursued sincere love and married Xin Dekang.After marriage, she pursued a harmonious family and tenacity, and together with Xin Dekang shouldered the burden of the Xin family's life without complaint.After living comfortably, she pursued freedom and independence, so she chose to divorce.When An An was in despair, she pursued her daughter's health and happiness, so she accepted homosexuality... Her parents were scared by poverty, so they pursued a life without worrying about food and clothing. Her younger sister pursued her parents' happiness, just at the request of her parents. Married to a foreign country, Xin Dekang sought to improve the poor living conditions of his family, so he started a business and established a large company...

So, what is my pursuit? The peaceful life of "working at sunrise and resting at sunset"?Am I really "happy between heaven and earth and contented"?Did I really achieve "simple, pure, no waves, or no waves"?Am I really "existing" like this?

I deceive myself, I am confused, helpless, sad, and I escape.Two demons still live in the depths of my soul: loneliness and depression.

What am I after?

Love, I pursue pure and sincere love.I seem to have been pursuing this my whole life, trapped by love all my life.I can't be happy without love, I don't even want to live.I am such an unfulfilling woman, I want to spend my whole life writing a novel, a masterpiece, its title is "Love"... Su Weiying said: Love is what every woman should pursue in her life, but the real Few people can have a long and sweet love.An An and you can love each other like this, I should bless you.

An An, being able to fall in love with you is the happiest thing in the world.In the vast world, having a beautiful lover in my heart should make me feel happy and satisfied, but I am not satisfied. I want a lover who can be seen, touched, and accompanied by me.An An, I not only want you to live in my heart, but I also want to hold your hand and hear your voice at any time... I am a greedy lover, so I have never been able to be truly happy...

"Wen Qing, do you like stars or lights?"

One summer night not long after arriving in Liba Village, An An and I watched the stars on the roof of the building. There was no moonlight that day, and the vast dark night sky was full of stars, which merged into a sea of ​​stars, bright and vast.Lili Village and the scattered mountain villages around it are full of lights, including electric lights, oil lamps or candlelight.The lights are not dense, but because of the short distance, it seems that the villages are full of mountains.The sky is an ocean of stars, and the earth is a river of lights.They are all beautiful.

"What about you? Tell me first." I looked at An An's eyes that were brighter and clearer than the stars.

"I like lights." An An said softly.

"Huh? Why?" I'm curious, which child doesn't like stars more?

"The light is warm." An An's clear eyes were like lake water under the moon.

"Well, I like the lights better too." I hugged the five-year-old in distress.Warmth is safety for a child, and a lonely child must love warm lights rather than bright stars.When I was a child, I was very greedy for the dim light, and when I saw it, I was not afraid, and I felt settled.Later, the light tube was replaced at home, and I was still lost for a long time. The light emitted by the light tube was so pale and cold, and it did not have the warmth like a hug of love emitted by the light.

"But if I'm at home, I prefer to watch the stars." An'an played with my long hair with her soft little hands and smiled mischievously.

"Why?" I also smiled "naughty".

"It's beautiful, hahaha..." An An looked up at the starry sky, showing a sweet and carefree smile.

"Is that so? Then I am the same!" We hugged each other and laughed. After laughing enough, An An said that he would go home and tell a story. "Looking at the stars for so long, we are all underestimated!" she said.

I know, in fact, the five-year-old An An also knows it subconsciously. When she is lonely and cold, she loves lights, and when she has warmth, she will love starlight.For those who trek in the mountains, deserts or oceans, the light is their hope and the home they yearn for.For those who live in a warm home or in a world of love, starlight is their dream and their aesthetic pursuit after they have a warm secular life.The lonely Weaver Girl longed for the lights in the world, and went down to find the Cowherd.Chang'e, who is full of love but yearns for the fairy world, stole the elixir and went to Bihan Palace. In the lonely life of Bihan Palace, she looked melancholy at the lights in the world, so "Chang'e should regret stealing the elixir. Heart".

If the distance between reality and dream is too far or if any one is missing, life will not be complete and the soul will not be happy.Su Shi said to the moon, "I want to go back by the wind, but I am afraid that Qionglou Yuyu will be too cold at the heights", and finally said to himself, "People have joys and sorrows, and the moon has cloudy and sunny waxes and wanes. A total of Chanjuan".He is open-minded, but this kind of open-mindedness is actually a kind of helplessness, just like the "existence" that I thought was "simple and pure", "worked at sunrise, rested at sunset", "traveled freely between heaven and earth and contentedly", it was helpless The unavoidable passion and self-encouragement in the book.

The truth is, none of us are truly happy.When Ann exists only as a dream in my heart, I can't be truly happy.

"Without you, I'm like being thrown into a desolate wilderness, I can't live without you!" This is what An An said to me when she was 16 years old, and it's what I often say to her in my heart.

This is my difficult ideal, my difficult love...

I look out the window of the plane, and thoughts and nostalgia make me sentimental again.The vast night, the dark night outside the thick computer window, if the warmth is in my hands, if the light and starlight are between my head and head, the night is a thick and big quilt that makes me sleep soundly, Instead of a giant hopeless eye...

I see stars.

I see lights.

I see stars.

I saw thousands of lights.

Shine in front of your eyes.

Shine on your feet.

Brilliant, brilliant, warm.

Colorful streamer.

My face is wet, the whole face is wet.

The sparks outside the plane window are as colorful as fireworks in my tearful eyes.

As long as I pray, as long as I pursue, happiness is at hand.

Ann, I pray that you are well.I pray that our reunion is not far away.I pursue, let us be happy all our lives and never be separated.

I promised Teacher Ying, Lan Ying, and your mother that I will come back, I will definitely come back, and bring my lover back together.Come back to the happy world of reality, no longer only indulging in dreams...