Love you as life

People share you, we can't live without you..." An An's eyes were full of sadness.

"You are still young, you don't know what love is, those are illusions..."

"No—!" Before I could finish, she interrupted me, "I know what love is, and I know that without you my life is meaningless, it's just black, it's cold, it's loneliness, it's fear!" An An's body was shaking again.

I hugged her tightly and said after a while: "You have been lonely, so you depend on me. That is not love." I emphasized the word love.

An An raised her crystal eyes, looked at me quietly for a while, and said: "I have read all the love novels on your bookshelf, and those love poems, Chinese and foreign, modern and ancient. I know love The way I feel about you is how I feel about you." She spoke excitedly, her lips were trembling, and she was sucking in air hard.Suddenly she made a move that I didn't expect.An An knelt up, hugged my head quickly, and raised my face, I felt a hot, soft thing pressed tightly against my lips, where it kissed me and bit me...An An, she He actually kissed me so sensually!

She made my heart beat abnormally, my whole body was hot, and my body was shaking.I tried to break her apart, gasping for breath, but kept shaking.

An An was a little frightened, she looked at me as if she had caused trouble, and sat still, not daring to move.After I calmed down, she breathed a sigh of relief.

"You've proven that you know how to love now, haven't you?" I wonder why my voice is so cold.

An An blushed, as if they were the same as the frenzy just now.She said timidly, "Wen Qing, I'm sorry." Then she lowered her head and dared not look at me.

Seeing that I didn't mean to be angry, and seeing the way I stared at her distressedly, she immediately became courageous again: "I didn't lie, I know my emotions."

"Then do you know me? What do you think is wrong with me?" I put on the tone that a person in his thirties should have.

"I know." An An said calmly.

"What do you know?" I looked at her uneasily.

"I know you love me as deeply as I love you." She stared at me without hesitation, "I know you worry about me and don't want me to love you, because it will be very bitter. But, I know, you love me , you love me, you love me very much..." An An suddenly cried again.

I am speechless.

"Wen Qing, you love me, and you love me very hard..." An An came over and hugged my head again.

Yes, I love you, love you like life.I hugged her waist and burst into tears.But what can I do if I love you.

"I broke your heart when I was in the second year of junior high, Wen Qing, I'm sorry." She stroked my hair, "I just want to know if you love me, it's... love of love. I made love Look, I found that you don't mind Xiaoqiang, but because of that female classmate, I was very sad and jealous... I knew you loved girls too, and you loved me." An An hugged my head tightly to her chest, her The warm heart was beating fast and loudly.

"In those few weeks, you often cried and suffered from insomnia...Wenqing, I'm sorry." I felt her face pressed against my hair.

I didn't speak, just kept crying, how did I live those nights, I was heartbroken, heartbroken, heartbroken...

"You think I don't know, you try your best to hide it, but I know it all. I also saw those papers in your right drawer. There are many poems written on it, and my name, which is always wet. It's tears." She hugged me tightly around my waist, and tears soon fell down my back.

I remembered that in those nights I was writing An An's name over and over again, writing why one after another, and repeatedly copying those few poems:

I sit silently before you,

Pain in vain,

Looking at your face in vain.

and my fantasy

But I can't tell you the truth.

……

You were born before me, and I am old when I was born.You hate me for being born late, and I hate you for being born early.

I am not born, but I am old. Hate not to be born at the same time, and be good with you every day.

I was born before you were born, but when you were born, I was already old.we live far away from each other.

I was born to you but I was not born, but I am already old when you were born.Turn butterflies to find flowers, and live in fragrant grass every night.

……

"Wen Qing, I'm sorry, I will never hurt you again." An An's words were like the wind in the wilderness in June, with the taste of sunshine.

1. Sleeping in the wilderness outside the window ([-])

After An An graduated from junior high school, Su Weiying hoped that An An could study abroad with her, but Xin Dekang disagreed, and An An was even more reluctant to leave.After staying for a few days, Su Weiying flew back to the other side of the ocean.An An went to S City with her father.Song Ma still didn't want to leave her hometown, so she stayed in Liba Village to look after the house, saying that An An and Wen Qing would come home whenever they were happy.Song's mother has been with An An for 15 years, and her relationship is closer than that of her granddaughter. During the ten years I have been here, she has always treated me like a daughter.Her mercy will follow us all our lives.

I went with An An and the others, planning to go to S city first, and then make other plans.Ever since I knew we were going to separate, An'an has been silent, looking at me with aggrieved and pitiful eyes every now and then, hiding the fear and despair that made my heart ache and frightened, I couldn't imagine what she would do once I left.

Coming out of the airport in City S, Xin Dekang invited me to stay at his house first, but I declined, I had to find a place of my own.Along the way, An'an held my hand tightly and refused to let go, tears streaming down my face.Xin Dekang said: "An'an, you can call Wen Qing if you want to, or you can invite Wen Qing to our house. Don't do this, huh?"

It's okay if he doesn't say it. An An couldn't stand it when he said that. She hugged me tightly and cried.

"An'an, go home with Dad first, and I will contact you as soon as I buy a mobile phone." I patted her on the back.An An cried even harder.

"Uncle Xiao Xu and I dragged our luggage to the car first, and you wait for us at the exit of the parking lot. Xin An, remember to hurry up! No parking is allowed there!" The driver Xiao Xu dragged his luggage to the parking lot.

An'an finally calmed down, and she let me go: "You must find me, and find me as soon as you buy a mobile phone." Her tearful eyes looked at me helplessly, and her black eyes were fixed on me, and then Turning with the movement of my eyes.

"Well, I'll look for you as soon as I buy a mobile phone, and I'll be the first one to look for you." I smiled at her, and led her to the exit of the parking lot.

When An An left slowly with her father's car, An An had already lowered her head and dared not look at me again.I looked at her blurry back and quickly disappeared into the flow of people and cars.Tears streamed down my face instantly.

In City S, I don't plan to look for a job for the time being. Xin Dekang gave me a lot of "remuneration", and I have a lot of savings.I want to devote more time to writing. If I can successfully earn manuscript fees to support my life, it is not bad to be a "vagrant" like this.

I rented a small house in the outskirts of the city, with two bedrooms and one living room.A room facing the mountain—across a small building and a large forest field village, there are light blue distant mountains stretching in the sky, which makes me feel that it is the direction of Liba Village. Looking at it makes me feel happy and at ease.The other room is near the tree - there is a tall pagoda tree not far from the window, which is as big as the one in front of An An's house.The suite I chose is really a treasure of Feng Shui.I can look at the mountains here and the trees there, as if I have returned to a gentle hometown, which is the happy hometown of Ann and I, the wilderness sleeping outside the window.

I arranged the room overlooking the distant mountains in blue, and the room overlooking the locust tree in blue.Both rooms have large bookcases, desks and two small wardrobes, and a computer has been added.

The living room is mainly orange, decorated with green, white and blue.I bought a set of fabric sofas, equipped with a TV and stereo, and shared tables for eating and drinking tea.I bought vases and flowers, put up wallpaper and hung wall decorations, and the floor is made of hard wood, which is already very beautiful, so there is no need for decoration.

This is my home, it's An'an's, it's ours.

Xin Dekang found An An a well-known key high school. In this metropolis, it was very difficult to get into that school.Of course, An An passed the exam with excellent grades.What makes this school attractive is not only its reputation, teaching quality and campus environment, but also the fact that it can accommodate, and the accommodation conditions are quite good and the management is very strict.For a businessman like Xin Dekang, this is undoubtedly the most ideal.

Not long after Xin Dekang returned to S City, he brought An An to meet her "new mother" and confessed his intention to get married.An An accepted it naturally. She didn't ask much from her parents, which may be the reason why she didn't have a deep relationship since she was a child.Before An'an started school, Xin Dekang and his new wife held a wedding banquet, and the new wife Fang Shujuan and her five-year-old son officially moved into Xin's house.Fang Shujuan is a southern woman, very soft and charming.This young woman in her thirties and her lovely child were the highlights of the wedding banquet.

I was invited to the banquet, and An An stayed with me all the time. From her silence, I could see the melancholy and loss.Her broken home, her mother far away in the sky, Su Weiying is a very nice woman...

I am very glad that An An can live on campus. An An likes campus life, it is a stage for her to fully display herself, and she can find the warmth of home there.

After getting out of the airport that day and finding a place to stay, I immediately went to buy a mobile phone and called Xin Dekang's home.An'an held the receiver and said "hmm" and then didn't speak again. I knew that she must be crying there.

"I will always be here, always use this phone, turn it on 24 hours a day, you can find me at any time..." I said, and found that my voice was a little bit wrong.

"Yeah." An'an still just said that word.

"I'll hang up first, huh?" I said.

"Don't! Don't!" An An eagerly whispered, as if she was playing tricks when she was a child.

"Listen to Dad, get things done first, and settle down before we can meet, huh?" I tried my best to appease.

"Yeah." An An changed back to that well-behaved child.

In fact, the days we can spend together are only getting less and less...

Once her daughter came back, and she was such an excellent and beautiful daughter, Xin Dekang disciplined her strictly, hoping that An An would have a great future and would not be subject to any temptation.He made strict regulations and arrangements for An An's time and life rules. Except that she must stay at home at school, she must report anything special first.An'an lived another life of five days at school and two days at home, but it was no longer me who was waiting for her at home.Fang Shujuan is a housewife, no matter how busy Xin Dekang is, he can still know everything about An An through his wife.For this reason, An An was very distressed and dissatisfied.She had resisted, and as a result her father had severely questioned and lectured her for two weeks.An An has never been so verbose before, she is going crazy.In order not to be taught and nagged, An An obeyed all the rules set by her father.

An An learned to lie for the first time: every Friday she came to my place after school, and her father thought she was at school.

I am happy, Ann, I will come every Friday.For that happy night, I am willing to wait patiently for those six days.

The first time An An came to me was the second week of school.

"Wen Qing, I miss you." An An hugged me as soon as I entered the door.

"I miss you too, Ann, I miss you too." I hugged her even tighter.

"Wen Qing, let's not separate again." She murmured in my ear.

"Well, we will not separate." I stroked her back, the girl's words are always pure and exciting.

I heard her heartbeat, her powerful heart was beating softly and warmly on my chest, shaking my whole body and mind.The breath from her lips blew warmly onto my neck.We stood head to head, as if we were standing on the river of eternal history, embraced by the warm sunshine, which made me slightly sleepy, slightly drunk and slightly asleep in its brilliance, which lasted forever...

"Wen Qing, you are an outstanding painter." An An said after walking around the house.

"Well, I know." I laughed, her praise was too watery.

"Really, you not only invited in the colors of nature, but also moved my hometown here. You are not only a painter, but also an architect!" An An looked at me and smiled, her eyes full of affection.

"Do you like it?" I looked into her eyes for a moment.

"I like it! I like it very much! It's so beautiful!" An An came to me, took my hands, looked at my eyes with a blushing face, looked at my lips, looked at my eyes again, there was desire and plead.Her breath filled my face.

I hugged her in my arms, hugged her tightly, and held her in my arms motionless.Ann, I can't kiss you, I can't kiss you, I'm sorry...

An An is smart and caring. Although she feels lost, she understands that we can't do this, we can't start...

"Which room do you like?" I pulled her to sit on the sofa.

"I like them all. What about you? Which one do you like?" She leaned gently on me.

"I love everything about this home."

"Me too."

"Which room do you want to sleep in at night?" I stroked her shoulder.

"I sleep in blue." An'an turned sideways and wrapped her arms around my waist.

"why?"

"Because you like blue better." An An no longer asked to sleep with me.

That night, we didn't do anything except eat and take a shower. We just nestled on the sofa and watched TV with each other until our eyelids fought.

"An'an, go to sleep." I said.

"Don't sleep, just here." She hugged me and didn't let go.

In fact, I don't want to sleep either. When I wake up, An An will go home, and we will have to wait six days before we can meet again.

As a result, we fell asleep on the sofa that night until dawn.When I woke up, the September sun was shining through the window, and there was still a chill of the early autumn wind, the TV was still on, and the lights were still on...

Before leaving, An An wandered around the house for several rounds, and couldn't help scolding her father, why did she control her like this.After venting, come over and hold my hand, repeating what she has told many times: "You remember, you can't leave without authorization, you can't leave this city, this house!" When I promised again, "I don't have anywhere Go, just stay here, so that I can see you whenever you come.” She added: “Without you, I’m like being thrown into a desolate wilderness, I can’t live without you!” I said, “I Remember, I will stay here obediently, even if you drive me away, I will not leave." An An finally smiled, and her clear eyes were filled with happiness again.

2. Sleeping in the wilderness outside the window ([-])

Every following Friday is our festival.We use diligence and hard work to fill the six days of missing, and use one night of happiness and warmth to eliminate the fatigue of the six days.

An'an is a child of the wilderness, pure, fresh, free and easy.Every time she appeared, it was like a mellow mountain wind, blowing the breath of nature to the depths of my soul.I hope that I am a wilderness full of green grass, so that An An can get comfort and happiness.

Every Friday morning, I clean up the house and go to the market to buy a lot of flowers, mainly chrysanthemums.Buy back a lot of delicious food, cook slowly at home, bake pancakes and fish, and wait for my children and little lovers to come home.

Every time An An entered the door, she sniffed her nose vigorously, and kept saying: "It smells so good, I've been looking forward to the delicious food for a week!" Then she put down her schoolbag, hugged me and praised: "Wen Qing is such a good boy. !” That meal was also the most sumptuous meal I had in a week, and we both had good appetites, so we ate and chatted until all the food was wiped out.

We seldom watch TV. After dinner, we just lie on the sofa or lean on the bed, like An An when he was in junior high school, reporting to each other about work and telling anecdotes about what happened around us.Or sit at the desk, talk about our favorite books, exchange recent books, and read each other's articles.When I am interested, I will read aloud. Mostly, An An appreciates my "reciting performance". This is a "program" that she has loved since she was a child. I enter and watch in silence as I finish.Finally, she stared at me passionately and said, "Wenqing, you are so beautiful!" I once asked her what "beautiful" is, and she said that people are beautiful, words are beautiful, voices are beautiful, emotions are beautiful, and thoughts are beautiful, "Hahaha, life is so beautiful !” She said very happily, her face was full of brilliance.An An, it is you who are beautiful, and life is beautiful with you.

An An would still stay by my side until she dozed off before going back to her room to sleep. Before going to bed, we would hug each other and say softly, "Good night."

Ever since I avoided kissing Ann, the two of them seemed to have reached a tacit understanding, and they didn't dare to have more physical contact except for holding hands and hugging.It’s like Adam and Eve felt ashamed immediately after stealing meat, they need a coat to cover their naked bodies, after we clarify each other’s emotions, we also need some distance to restrain the passion in our hearts and the ensuing love. of**.

A pure girl can only have pure spiritual love, but it is very difficult for an adult woman to do so.

I didn't do it, I cheated.

As night fell, I put out all the lights and drew the curtains.Outside the window is a dark night, with stars, moonlight, and evening wind.

I stood in front of the window, hugging An An, who was as tall as me, her waist was slender, her eyes were as bright as stars, her lips were warm and soft, her hands holding me were so strong, our bodies stuck together So soft.

I kiss her petal-like sweet lips, like kissing the heart of a flower, I look at her eyebrows, her eyes, her nose, her cheeks, I kiss them softly, with my cheeks* * wear them.I held her head tightly, kissed her lips, her tongue.My hands slid down her shoulders, her armpits, down her breasts.Her breasts are not yet fully developed but the lines are very beautiful, very soft and elastic. I breasts it and squeeze it gently.I reached inside her clothes and touched the center of her full breasts, I felt her trembling, her hugging hands formed a fist behind my back, her breath sprayed into my hair up like a ray of sunshine.I pulled off her clothes, kissed her greedily, and then slid to her lower abdomen, I smelled the special alluring smell under her belly, I hugged her girlish buttocks tightly, and deeply inhaled her mysterious breath .

"Wen Qing, Wen Qing." An An called me, panting slightly.

"Wen Qing, Wen Qing, Wen Qing." An An sucked in her breath and moaned softly.

"An'an." I stood up and hugged the warm body in front of me again.An An, I want to make you happy, An An, we all must be very happy.I kissed her passionately, kissed her with all my tenderness and all my desires, Ann, my sweet child, my amazing child, my innocent child, I love you, I want to enjoy with you The joy of love.Let the stars see, let the moon see, let the whole world see, see our love, our happiness and joy.An An, I want you, and me, to do the happiest thing in the world and experience the most wonderful feeling in life.

I carried her to the bed, took off her clothes, gently kissed her eyebrows, her forehead, her eyes, her hair, her face, her lips... I kissed her, kissed her, Kiss her, kiss her... An An ran towards me across the field, shouting my name loudly, An An stared at me brightly, eyes like two clear springs, An An rode a bicycle in front of me, the back view Free and unrestrained, An An hugged me and said "Wen Qing, I can't live without you", An An looked at my lips, frowning in anticipation... An An, An An, I gently entered her body, so moist, silky, wonderful and warm Stream... An An, how can you be so amazing, An An, I love you, An An, An An, I love you... She is calling me, and keeps calling me, we hold each other's naked bodies tightly, entangled together, stuck together...

"An'an, I love you, An'an, I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you!" I gasped loudly.

"An'an, An'an, An'an, An'an—" I called her name, immersed in great joy and pain...

An'an, I'm getting close to An'an...

in my imagination.

in my dream.

I imagine, I dream, when the night is low, in the dead of night, in the many hours alone, I am so alone loving my girl, calling my girl...We sleep outside the window in the wilderness...

To love a child is happiness, sorrow, or sin.I enjoyed all the pure happiness that An An brought me with great bliss, imagined the pleasure of the flesh with great bitterness, and confessed my indiscriminate love for a girl with great confusion.

I dare not take the initiative to find An An, contact Mr. Xin Dekang, or go to An An's house.I just stayed in these two rooms and one living room, whether happy or sad, it was both enjoyment and torture.I often think about this question: An An, is this pure child lucky or unlucky to meet me.If we go on like this, what kind of future will we have?Every time I think of An An's future, I feel heartbroken, feeling that I am a murderer, a devil, ruining a child's future... Sometimes I can't help but have the idea of ​​disappearing suddenly and never reappearing...

I didn't leave, I couldn't leave, I couldn't bear to leave.I am like a puppet that has lost the ability to think and act, rolling with the wind and sand, and letting fate play.For the future, for An An, as Xu Zhimo said, yes, I am lucky, no, my fate.I want to add one more sentence: punishment, I admit it.