grandfather's daughter-in-law

I sat for a long time sadly.My mind was in a mess, as if I could think of everything, and it seemed like I couldn't think of anything.Her words echoed in my ears over and over again.All the past hurried past my eyes.My mother, my love, my children.When my father resolutely left, I was just ten years old, and I was not yet familiar with the world.At that time, I never felt that our life was so poor. I bought three cheap handkerchiefs for ten yuan on the street, my low-quality leather shoes for 20 yuan, my yellow and thin face and thin body. No cold eyes from others.Compared with everything in the past, those big red apples, those rare beef jerky, everything in this poverty pales in comparison, even the lights in the living room seem dimmer than before, but I never feel that everything It is poverty.I was just immersed in the fact that I lost my father, and I never felt that life should be daily necessities, rice, oil, salt, sauce, vinegar and tea.Then my mother betrayed her innocence, and I was not ashamed of the big leather shoes and handkerchiefs embroidered with exquisite patterns she provided. I stubbornly continued my poverty, thinking that it was loyalty and pride, and I even used morality and conscience. punished her.She once poked my head with her hand and scolded me for being unfilial. She used to say nothing to me coldly for several days. I thought it was hatred.Perhaps from the day my father left, she regretted it all the time, so that she later betrayed her innocence in order to take care of our life, and I even thought she deeply regretted the sin of giving birth to me.My birth deprived her of her beauty, and my existence deprived her of her freedom. Everything about me was a debt to her, a debt she would never pay off in her entire life.This is what a child means to a mother.

Tragedy is an inherited disease.

Everything about my mother terrifies me.I'm afraid that one day my kids will think I'm just as scary.Our existence was only a drag on each other, and the only way I could find redemption was to get away.If the ending can only be like this, if I already knew it would be a tragic ending, if his existence is no longer meaningful, then what's the point of keeping him?

I undress.seven months.Blood lines can almost be seen on the swollen belly, and even a small foot can be seen propping up on the belly when the fetus moves.My tears just flowed down like that.This may be the first and only time I feel sorry for him.

I don't remember how many times, maybe hundreds, maybe thousands of times. When I was panting and throwing off the rope, the pain in my lower abdomen almost drowned me.I lay weary on the floor, and I was waiting, waiting for it to be over.I could feel the tightness of the lower abdomen, and the cold liquid flowed out from the lower body, as if a small life was really born and passed there.I lay on the cold ground, thinking tiredly, I haven't seen his face yet, I don't know if he is a man or a woman, I don't know how old he is, I don't know if his face looks like me, our mother-child bond Only seven months to go.He is taking revenge on me, tearing my body apart, and punishing me for selfishly depriving him of his right to live.In the next life, if there is a next life, I will never be a woman again. I don’t need to commit a murder with my own hands, and I don’t need to personally experience the physical and mental pain of this loss.I felt extremely tired, and the constant pain in my lower abdomen was still going on. I thought that if I fell asleep, the pain would be gone, so I closed my eyes.

I heard footsteps, stepping on the floor chaotically, as if I was running, someone shouted "Get out of the way, get out of the way", someone was crying, it seemed that someone was calling my name, it seemed to be Yu Minxiu, I wanted to open my mouth to call her, I wanted to open my eyes to see her, but I was so tired that I almost didn't even have the strength to lift my eyelids.I struggled, but gave up again.I thought of what she said not to think of everyone the same as me. I thought of what she said about my love without mercy, and my heart was stabbed incessantly.Tears rolled down the corners of my eyes, I didn't want to see that face that broke my heart anymore.The surroundings became very quiet, and the sun was suddenly dazzling.My stomach is so light I can hardly feel it anymore and I weary thinking my baby might be gone.Ye Hao, Ye Hao.It would be great if I just followed him.So I fell asleep.

When I woke up, I was in a white world.The white sunlight, the white room, the white curtains, and the white wind made the branches outside the window sway gently and rustle.I looked back and saw that my stomach was flat under the white sheet, and my child was no longer there!

It's gone!I thought wearily.The body is still very tired, fatigue is everywhere, even the mind is sleepy, as if it has been thrown on the stove and calcined at high temperature to be rebuilt, every pain is strange.I closed my eyes again.

When I woke up again, the scene had changed a little.It's still a white world.White room, white curtains, dark wind, the branches outside the window swayed slightly, rustling.It's just white sunlight turning into white incandescent light.My throat hurts so much, and the feeling of being burned by coal balls has not gone away.I swallowed and found my lips stuck.

Yu Minxiu fell asleep on the edge of the bed.Her face was much haggard, and her hair was tied up in a mess, with some scattered on her forehead and neck.The beautiful almond eyes were closed, and the large dark circles almost covered the whole face.The lips are still very rosy, and after many years, people always want to kiss Fangze.

She woke up as soon as I moved, staring at me blankly with misty eyes, but didn't say anything.There was silence and no sound of people around, and there was no light in the darkness, and this bleak incandescent light made the surroundings white and miserable.

"Would you like some water?" she asked.The voice is soft and gentle, calm and tired, as if nothing happened, and everything is silent.

I turned my head away, but she got up and disappeared through the door anyway.The surroundings are still very quiet, there is no human voice, it should be midnight, and some unknown insects outside the window are clamoring unwillingly.The windows hadn't been closed tightly yet, a little wind squeezed in through the gaps, and the curtains fluttered gently.After a while, she came back, holding the cup I was used to.I lowered my head, and from the corner of my eye, I saw her holding the water cup and blowing gently, and the dense mist rose up, moistening her eyebrows and eyes.

"Why are you still here?" I finally couldn't help asking, probably still vaguely looking forward to something.I am always such a person, when the scar is healed, I forget the pain.

Her hand paused, she lowered her head and remained silent for a while before handing the water glass to my hand.The water temperature was just right.Her words were like a boulder thrown into a calm lake.

"The baby is fine," she said.

My hand shook, and some water spilled on the quilt.She took the glass from my hand, and the water soaked in before she got back the towel.

"Although it was only seven months, she survived. She is very beautiful and a girl. Her heart and lung function is somewhat congenitally deficient, but the doctor said that as long as she takes good care of her the day after tomorrow, she will be no different from other children. After dawn, you can go see look at her."

I picked up the water glass on the table again and took a sip.The warm water moistened the throat and flowed into the stomach, and one could feel a warmth.It was supposed to stay in the abdomen, but it kept flowing and flowing to the lower body, turning into bursts of tearing pain.