living sacrifice

When I found such a job, I felt that I was too good, so I told my cousin all the ins and outs, and then boasted to her: "I'm really lucky!"

My cousin is a returnee, and she has just returned to China not long ago.

She is a Christian, in my eyes, kind of "brain-dead".I originally wanted to boast about myself and show off in front of her, but I didn’t expect her to say: “This is God’s blessing for you! Lin Xiao! That’s great! Thank God for you!”

This is all due to me, what the hell is thanking God?I complained about her in my heart.

"I heard that you are married?" She was really talking about which pot she couldn't open and which pot to lift.

I'm gay, but I'm married.Subject is a gay man.I never thought that I would do this kind of earth-shattering thing beforehand.I know this is wrong, but there is nothing I can do.

My mother urged the marriage all the time. The most exaggerated thing is that for half a month, she introduced me to a partner every day, and went on a blind date every day, like looking for a job.Those so-called objects with background and status don't even understand the most basic respect. There are even some people who meet for the first time at KFC, without talking a word, just hold down their mobile phones and swipe red envelopes.

I am not a beautiful woman like a movie star, but an ordinary person who always hopes to get a little basic respect from others, no matter whether the relationship is settled or not.But well, all the people who come here are people like this, which makes me hopeless in love.

This state lasted for a few years, during which time I had serious relationships with men, but they all ended in failure.The lesson I learned at the time was that men and women are different, only women understand women, so I want to fall in love with women, fall in love with men and have children, which is too bad.

I have no predestined relationship among men, but I am very predestined among women.From a very young age, some girls mistook me, thought I was a handsome guy, and insisted on entering the women's bathroom with me to verify.When I was young, my hair was short, and I looked like Harry Potter in the first and second movies. When I grow up, we are not the same.

Getting along in gay circles made my proud heart swell like leaven.My requirements for love are getting higher and higher, but I have no requirements for the other party's conditions. It may be because I have seen too much of the rich but unhappy life, but I really hope that I can have a true love that can last forever.

There is a saying in the homosexual circle that "the opposite sex is for reproduction, and the same sex is true love".I just want to find someone who has no purpose or scheming, and is together purely because of mutual love.Theoretically, this popular saying in gay circles is irrefutable, so I'm willing to give it a try.

But I find myself switching girlfriends all the time even though I'm just looking for someone who's only there for love and no other motives.The first one, I can still say that she has a bad temper; the second one, I have an excuse to say that she is immature; the third one, she treats me well and is considerate of me, but I don’t know why, it’s been a long time , the feeling fades away.

I feel that my inner needs are like a black hole, the kind that no one can fill. They feel very tired when they are with me, and I am also very tired.

I don't know what the hell I'm doing, isn't the decision to be gay just to find a true love?But why can't I keep going?Can true love be found in this circle?Or is it that I am not worthy of true love?

what is love?

Before I could find the answer, my mother forced me to start thinking about marriage.In order to solve the troubles in front of me, I adopted this passive avoidance attitude, that is, I used formal marriage to escape.This is the reason for what was said at the beginning.

My marriage partner and I met on the Internet. We both think very simply. We feel that marriage is just a dead letter. We each get what we need, and we don’t interfere with each other after marriage. Just give each other’s parents an explanation.

I wanted to give my mother an explanation, she was driving me crazy.I still need time to think about what true love really is.

My sister asked me about this marriage and poked my weakness.At that time, there was a big incident between me and the object of my marriage, and I didn't want to tell anyone in my family.

So I changed the subject and said, "Let me tell you, my current unit is very good, and my leader is one of the top ten poets in S City! Our unit also has great writers who are famous writers! In the future, I can ask them for advice." .”

"Not bad. What does your husband do?"

"Traveling. By the way, the place where I work is only a few stops away from the hospital where I was born. I really feel that this job is arranged by God."

"Yes Lin Xiao, God loves you very much. When will you bring your husband to my house, I haven't seen him yet!"

This geese!Is it over? !

My cousin is called You Yan, and she is very blind.I hate her.But it's not the kind of real annoyance, it just feels a little annoying to her. I know she has good intentions.

……

Two years ago, You Yan came to my house, took me to my room alone, and insisted on praying for my resolution.It was winter, she pulled me to kneel down on the cold floor, I was 1000 million unwilling.But in order to let her leave quickly, I knelt down.Because I know that she has a strong character, if I don't follow her, maybe she won't leave tonight, I don't have time to waste time with people like her.

I don’t know if you have ever been forcefully preached by Christians.I have experienced it several times, and I am really tired of this religion, especially when my grandfather passed away, a group of Christians came to sing hymns and play the piano for him, and told us not to cry, and forced it to me The Bible and the preaching tracts, these are all left to dry in the corner of my bookshelf.

When she was praying, I thought in my heart: tell her to go quickly, tell her to go quickly.

After she finished praying, I couldn't wait to shout, "Amen!" and stood up.

You Yan was very happy. She said, "Today is very strange. It is Heavenly Father who told you to listen to me. If I tell you to kneel, you should kneel. If I tell you to amen, you should amen."

I thought to myself: Hehe, there is no God at all. If there was a God, he would tell you that I don’t believe in God from the bottom of my heart. I did this to tell you to leave.

How emotional I feel when I think about it.

In the blink of an eye, two years have passed, and many things have changed.

At that time, I was still young and energetic, and I had never encountered any crisis.But in the past two years, I have encountered things that I can't even make up in a novel, and it happened to me.

These things make me feel that there is a divine will in the dark, I deserve what I do, but what should I do?I did the damn thing, but what am I supposed to do?Who can save me?

When I saw You Yan again, I suddenly felt a little more sad, and I was thinking: If only she had stopped me from getting the certificate in the name of God, but there are so many people in the past, and the past can’t go back. go.

You Yan said that she has returned to China, and she should not go out again in the future.

My parents are not at home, You Yan comes to my house every day, Barabara.Every time she came, she asked me about my marriage partner, and I always said that he was working overtime.Where is the overtime actually?The two of us broke up, and I don't know how it should end.

I haven't interacted with anyone in over a year and I'm feeling a bit depressed.I don’t need to communicate with others when doing proofreading at work. I have no one to communicate with at home, and I don’t communicate with friends. Even watching Deyunshe’s videos at home alone makes me cry.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

You Yan talked about a bunch of things that happened in the church, but I didn't listen to most of them.But I think there is someone in my family who can balala blah and improve the dull air in my house, so I let her talk.

She said to me: "Go to the church and have a look, you see how boring you are at home by yourself. Why didn't you see your husband? Is he busy at work?"

You Yan said: "In fact, why do people have so much emptiness? It's because they don't know God. They fill their emptiness with other things, but nothing can fill them. They don't feel satisfied doing this or that, because They have strayed from their God — and God alone is the true source of joy."

You Yan said: "Eyes □□, □□□□, and pride in this life are tools used by the devil to attract people. Lin Xiao, I believe you are also affected by □□□□. Isn't it?"

I can't say anything.Last time I despised what she said to me, but this time I have to admit that these words are true.At the same time, I also feel very shy. I really don't want to hear my cousin talk about these things with me. I think these things are very personal.

You Yan said: "But it doesn't matter. Although we have sinned, Heavenly Father loves us very much. Lin Xiao, I really believe that he sent me to say these words to you today. He wants you to return to his home. God Father said that he will whip all those he loves, and his whipping is to save them. He counts the hairs on your body one by one, and he knows what is in your heart. He has always taken care of you, I believe him It's always been there, you should know."

You Yan said: "Lin Xiao, maybe your life is not good, but as long as you know God, your life will be better. Your mind needs to be renewed and changed, and you need to know God. He will take care of everything for you. Your life will be changed, you will have the life of Jesus Christ in you, and others will be able to see your changes. Look at me, you should see the changes, right? My changes are all given by the Lord.”

Yeah?I looked at her carefully, and it seemed a little bit like this.You Yan's tone of speech is softer than before. In the past, she was a rough and bluffing person who said that the wind is rain. Now her speech is really soft, but a bit artificial.

Anyway, I don't trust her very much, this person is very unreliable.I tested her: "Will you pray for your ex-husband?"

She hesitated a little bit, and then she thought about it and told me: "Lin Xiao, this question you asked is very good. I will pray for him."

"How do you pray for him? You don't hate him? You Christians say you love your enemy. How can you love him when he hurts you like this?"

"Lin Xiao, our enemy is not a human being. The problem between me and him is actually caused by the influence of the devil. I know he is also very pitiful. He was coerced by the devil to do these things. The Bible says that he does not know God. All people are "sons of disobedience", and there are evil spirits running in their hearts. He thinks he can control his behavior, but in fact, he can't control many times. So I pray for him with compassion for him, but I will not allow him to continue hurting me or my son. Lin Xiao, he is not my enemy, he is just a tool used by the enemy, and I will pray for him."

This is the first time I have heard of this kind of theory. According to what she said, all people who don’t believe in God are like marionettes, they can’t do whatever they want at all?

Thinking about it, at some point I seem to have to admit that this is true.I really couldn't control my emotions during the sex drive.But after □ passed, I began to reflect on how I fell in love with this person?I feel as if my emotions are not completely in my control.

For a certain period of time, you can't stop thinking about her, caring for her, and loving her. At other times, you will be jealous, overthinking, hate because of love... It is not a very unhealthy state, and you will not be able to stand it after a long time.But it seems that after a while, I miss this state of thinking and thinking, as if this is the madness of love.It's not so much that I'm in love with someone, it's that I'm in love with this crazy feeling, like it's love, but I know it's not love.

What is true love?I don't know.It's evil, I'm looking for love, but I don't know what love is.

I thought, if Wang Xuanhuan—my current husband—was explaining his strange behaviors with "evil spirits," it would really make sense.But this kind of thing is invisible to the eyes, so how can you believe it?

You Yan was very annoyed, she kept saying: "Lin Xiao, come and visit the church with me, I promise you will like it there."

I kept saying no to her: "I don't have time."

"How can there be no time? Sunday."

"I want to write a novel."

"All these things can be put aside. There are many good brothers and sisters in the church, how boring you are at home alone."

I admit that this sentence is a bit attractive, because my life is really boring now, and I want to have some friends to talk to.But I am afraid that they will preach the gospel to me.

Until You Yan said: "You only need to go to church once, and I won't bother you whether you go or not in the future."

"This is what you said!"

"It's a deal. But I'm sure you'll love the place. We all love church once we've been there."

Then you are absolutely wrong, I will never stay, I don't want to be as stupid as you and believe in some gods.Of course, I didn't tell her these words, I was just happy because I could have a reason to refuse her to always brainwash me.

This is the condition I negotiated with You Yan in advance to go to church.