living sacrifice

It seems that from this day, Wang Xuanhuan's words suddenly started to increase. I can't remember what we talked about at that time, but I just feel that we have endless things to talk about. When he was young, he was fishing for lobsters in his hometown, and when he went to the county town to go to middle school , until his father died, when his mother provided for his two sons to go to college, when he left the countryside and came to the unaccompanied city of S... I like to listen to things in the countryside, but I remember talking more about him.

In such a north, every day seems to be a torment. If he hadn't led me around, I would feel uncomfortable staying here for a day.He took me to his hometown - an old yard with walls shorter than a person, full of weeds and broken tiles and broken walls.

"My dad used to live here, and we moved to the place you went to after he passed away. My dad used to like to put me on the roof to play, and we often dried a lot of food there."

I have seen a photo of Wang Xuanhuan's father, and I say I have, but I don't seem to have seen it.

His mom kept all the pictures, but all his dad's headshots were cut with scissors.

"I don't want to be sad." His mother flipped through the photos with wet eyes.I don't dare to ask in detail, they can talk if they want to, and I don't ask if they don't want to, so as not to arouse their sadness.I can see that the sudden death of Wang Xuanhuan's father has dealt a great blow to their entire family.

My mother had hesitation about this marriage at the beginning, which has something to do with it.My mother said: "Children who grow up in single-parent families are generally not mentally healthy."

"Aren't you also a single-parent family?" I retorted like that at the beginning.

"I have brothers and sisters!"

"Wang Xuanhuan also has a younger brother!"

Wang Xuanhuan's younger brother is Wang Xuanyu.When I saw his younger brother for the first time, I didn't think his younger brother looked like him at all.Wang Xuanhuan is not tall, and always has a smile on his face, which makes people look very friendly; Wang Xuanyu is tall, wearing a black windbreaker, he looks elegant and very cold.

The two brothers have completely different personalities. The elder brother loves to socialize, while the younger brother loves to be clean;

When his younger brother saw me, he was always very polite, saying "sister-in-law" in one mouthful, and then coldly threw me a back.

In fact, although his younger brother doesn't like to talk, I have always had a good impression of his brother, because I am also a person who doesn't like to talk. I know that people like us are actually very hot in our hearts sometimes.

But Wang Xuanhuan always makes me feel confused. I know that he has always been cheerful, but there is a deep feeling that his heart is not as cheerful as the surface, and he is even very gloomy.

I had no reason to doubt it at the time, but later I found out that it was another "God's prophecy."I know, the probability of my "knowing" is not from myself, but there is someone who has been protecting me by my side, and he told me, but I didn't know him at the time, and I often resisted him, but the one who really loved me , is that one.

At that time, I was just an ordinary person, I didn't know so many things.At that time, I was just a sinner. I believed in the theory of evolution, and I believed that the universe was produced by the natural evolution of the big bang, and there was no God.

On the last morning in his hometown, we delayed getting up until his mother called at the door of the room. It was already eight o'clock at that time, which was really late for rural people.Naturally, my mother would scold me when I went downstairs, but Wang Xuanhuan was really happy. That day he took me to the greenhouse where he farmed when he was a child, and took me to the elementary school where he went to school. He introduced this to me, and introduced that to me. , seemed extremely excited.

The more he talked, the more I wanted to maintain social distance, but my reaction didn't seem to affect him. On the way back, he said, "I haven't been this happy in a long time. It's a pleasure talking to you in the morning."

"Where's your boyfriend?"

Hearing this, his face became numb: "The relationship between us is not what you imagined. There is no passion between me and him now, it's just a very ordinary relationship. I think it's more likely to be a responsibility. Is it true that the relationship has passed? But what about the time test? You, you haven’t told me your story. The other day, she called me to say you broke up, but she didn’t give details.”

There was a hint of imperceptible excitement in his eyes, and he wanted to restrain himself, but I knew it all.

"There's nothing to say. Maybe it's just like what you said, I don't have any feelings." This is also true, but I can't tell him another thing, that is, I was cheating mentally at that time, and the mental cheating came first, and the fact of breaking up is behind.It's just that the cheating didn't work out, and I was left alone, but my ex found a partner very quickly, which made me suspect that she also acted in a bitter scene.

"Hey, our relationship is really difficult." He shook his head.

I was very puzzled: "Didn't you choose to go this way because of your feelings?"

"You don't know, our boys are much more complicated than your girls. Maybe you girls are more emotional, but in our circle, it's normal to separate and reunite. Many of us are not together because of feelings, but It's because of physical needs. I've talked about it a lot, and I've hurt some people, so I don't want to hurt this one person if I can. But we always fight over small things, and I'm tired of it."

"Let's bear with each other in small things."

But he suddenly burst into anger: "He cares about everything, even whether I put my shoelaces in my shoes or not. Tell me, how can such a person live with him?"

I don't know exactly what he has experienced. According to my understanding at the time, it may have reached a breaking point, because too many trivial things in life have accumulated conflicts, so the problem broke out.I'm judging him by what I've experienced, which in itself is wrong.

"When we go back this time, we will go to work for a week first, and then go to your hometown." Wang Xuanhuan said.

"So soon?"

"Well, because I want to get things done quickly." He bared two rows of teeth.

Later, in his memoirs, I realized that he didn't think so at the time, what he thought was to seize the time to warm up this relationship.He said in his memoirs that he had a relationship when he got married, but he didn't know how it developed, and neither did I.

Because we were both confused, we ended up mistrusting each other, and of course we both deserved it.

Back in City S, I was going to live alone officially, and my parents started their sojourn days.

They said that the house here was vacated for us to live in, and they could finally go back to the countryside.In fact, of course I know that this is the love of my parents, but I really have no choice but to rely on me alone, without giving me some time, how can I solve the housing problem in S City?I need time difference.

Since I was a child, I have been the baby of my family. Suddenly the whole family is gone overnight, and I feel extremely scared and lonely.I've been with you all night, I don't know where my future is, I feel like my life is meaningless, my enthusiasm for work is long gone, my relationship has no place, and I don't want to talk about it anymore.The only thing that accompanies me now is writing.

I belong to the kind of writer who has no talent, and I am not hardworking the day after tomorrow, but my heart is always passionate about writing, and I have a burden that I cannot let go. It seems like a task is on me, but I don’t know why I am writing. What to write.I always feel like I have a book to finish in this life.

A friend once judged me: "You are either for money or fame, what else can you have?"

"No!" I said emphatically, but I was annoyed at the time because I really didn't know why I was writing.

So my friend judged me: "You just want to be famous, who doesn't like being famous, surrounded by a lot of fans."

I can't say that I don't like these, but my real thinking is that my starting point is not here, and writing is like a burden on me.

However, the strange thing is that I don't know all the famous subjects, such as romance and cultivating immortals. I can only write the most clumsy writing style, I can only write the most unpretentious writing, and I can't make up the plot.I'm like an author under a hood. I can't touch some themes, I can't touch popular content, and I don't have talent.

All I had was the pressure of wanting to write, and it was really painful.

An editor once hated iron and steel and said: "Your article feels wrong. You have to arouse readers' desire to read, and you have to attract them with what readers like. Look at those super rich articles, those authors are It is good at hooking readers' souls, and you have to find that feeling."

Of course I know this theory, and I really tried my best, and bought "Ancient Chinese Ghost Culture Grand View" to study, but those words flowed past my eyes like flowing water, and I didn't remember a single word after reading it.

The editor asked me to revise the manuscript all day long, and I wrote Chapter 1 fifteen times. In the end, I felt so devastated that I was so annoyed that I deleted him.

After going through these things, I didn’t have any confidence in writing, especially during that darkest period, writing really tortured me, it forced me to practice writing, but I felt that I was dark, I had no hope, and there was no hope. What to write?

A week later, when he saw Wang Xuanhuan, he didn't even know how much I was looking forward to seeing him, because I hadn't talked to a living person for almost a week.

"You eyebrows?" He saw me, took the luggage in my hand, and took me on the light rail.

"No, I'll take it myself."

"Why are you being polite to me. Did you put on makeup today?"

"Well, I fixed it. The makeup artist gave me a foundation last week, and I painted my eyebrows like her."

"Let's do the same in the future. In fact, you are pretty, why don't you put on makeup?"

I used to see "stars are shining in XXX's eyes" in novels, but today, Wang Xuanhuan's eyes are really shining with stars.Except for the first love, I have never seen such a look in the eyes of any man.