Water lanterns and dreams in 1 nights

Stop spending on basic living needs, hurriedly put away the cigarette packs and put them back in your residence, walk around your house, under the tree in front of the main entrance, outside the kitchen window, and sometimes go to the bookstore you go to, facing the full bookshelf without knowing it Which ones are your favourites, it will inevitably make me feel depressed.

I don't want to win your sympathy, and I tell you seriously, it doesn't seem to me worthy of sympathy, and I would like to do it from the bottom of my heart.I haven't experienced 'happiness', don't know what it feels like, but when I look at you, I feel...full.The scariest thing is not grief, it's nothing, no emotion, just numbness and emptiness, as if I don't exist and have no reason to exist.

I don't want to live like that.

Fate gave me a chance to change my life.A unique opportunity for a wonderful twist.

That morning I deliberately passed your residence when I was hawking, and the curtains in the kitchen facing the street were rarely opened. I quietly sat down against the wall next to the window, so that you would not be able to see me unless you opened the window and leaned out, so I sat there. I didn't expect to hear anything, through the glass, some distance away from the dining table, I usually speak in a slow voice, usually I can't hear much, but I heard her voice that day, it seemed to explode in my ear , startled the endless ecstasy in my heart - she wanted a child.I listened greedily, taking down every word she said—boy, like you, not smiling, occasionally smiling cutely—a condition that is so simple that it is unbelievable, if her request is completely different from my own personality It's still too simple, not to mention that her biggest request is to be like you.I can't imitate your temperament, but I can do a little bit of mechanical imitation, which alone is far better than many of my invisible competitors.

I must win her heart.To achieve this, first of all, selling cigarettes is not advisable. For most women, flowers are better than tobacco, and flower girls are much more suitable than cigarette sellers; clothing does not need to be fancy, but it must be neat and tidy, and cleanliness is the key; then conversation Smile, imitate appropriately, pretend not to coincide with your habits unintentionally, and occasionally reveal conceptual similarities; and hide your admiration for her, the initial goodwill will help you to teach and get along in the future.

I worked hard and finally got my wish.

When she led me to open the gate, I walked through the path among the flowers and plants in the small courtyard, went to the porch and changed into slippers, I entered the house where you lived, and everything I saw was your daily use, and yours was left in the living room In the glasses, there is a photo of you and her by the river on the wall (your hand is on her shoulder, both of them are smiling); when you walk into the kitchen, your traces fade away, and you are still everywhere. past things.I still can't believe it just by looking at it, eating the meals she cooks for me, having her bathe me, sitting in warm, foamy water, she's so much like the kind of mother I've never had, but I My thoughts fluttered in a hurry, most of them were occupied by another urgent expectation, and then there was the sound of opening the door, your friendly and unfamiliar voice, you opened the bathroom door, I couldn't wait to turn my head to meet your eyes, you briefly turned to I took a look and turned my head to talk to her. You didn't object and accepted my existence easily. At that moment, I changed from illusory to solid and became a new person.

But only this level is far from enough. If I want to gain a firm foothold, I must gain your deeper emotions and take root in this small family.

I try to touch you and you don't seem interested in physical contact. I love your reticence. Correspondingly, it's hard for me to find the right way to please you. In order to avoid self-defeating, I took another road that is much more open That is to use Aunt Tan's love for you as much as possible to lure her to give me affection. It is obvious that she loves you absolutely. According to her, as long as I show enough similar qualities to you, I can get her prediction. Set aside for the care of the children.

The plan is going well, and Aunt Tan is indeed caring more and more for me. The softening of her attitude is visible to the naked eye. She will not hesitate to buy anything a child wants for me. She is caring and caring for me. Changes in my mood, taught me to behave properly.

But she is terrified of people.

She doesn't talk too much about her aunt, and she is used to standing behind you as your support. She knows that you depend on her, and at the same time depends on your dependence.No matter what happens to you, she must be your support so that you will not fall, so she is always observing and analyzing, collecting any information about you, lest you have a little discomfort.This alone is not surprising, but she is going to be your only support, and don't accept people other than her to form a close connection with you.Looking at me with her calm black eyes, it made me feel that all my efforts were in vain. First, she would not let me approach you, and second, she would not be able to make her love me completely. Even my past was under her gaze. Hidden, she knows all the sins I have done.

Sinful people are most afraid of the insight of the sober.Even so, I had to get close, and every time I acted like you and got her a little smile, it made me feel like a parody monkey even more, she was a spectator, and she knew it.

Even as a buffoon, I have initially found my place in the family, and as I get along with you more and more, I realize that your responsible nature will not allow you to easily drive me out of the house.Therefore, it is not advisable to relax. Instead, I should play a good role so that my existence is not so obtrusive. In front of you, I am a sensitive and self-respecting child. I have no ability to survive independently and my mind is immature, so you can't let me go; As for Aunt Tan, the more troublesome point is that it was Aunt Tan who first proposed the idea of ​​wanting a child, and she was the one who got bored first.

On the surface, maybe I am closer to her, similar to a mother and child, but in essence, there is a threat and hint hidden in her closeness to me: I must not get too close to you.But she didn't know that I was here for you.Aunt Tan doesn't want you to pay too much attention to me. She takes care of my affairs herself, so I don't have to look for you because of trivial matters. She intends to separate you and me, but inevitably, in the process The connection between me and her has definitely become stronger.

I later thought about why she needed a child. In the final analysis, it was the insecurity in her heart.She can't be with you all the time. No matter how much she thinks, a family of three is the most harmonious form in the eyes of outsiders. Whether she wants it or not, the child itself is a message to the outside world—this is already a complete family , will not be separated easily and refuse outsiders to enter; on the other hand, it may be said that this is a kind of constraint on you, preventing you from going and staying freely.

Out of the same insecurities, I tried in vain to gain the unconditional, total devotion of love from either of you, only to find it impossible.You are too sensible to love deeply, she loves you too much and refuses to transfer her wholehearted love to others.So even though we have deep feelings for each other, we are inevitably on the road of implicit conflict and confrontation.

Our conflict has been deeply rooted from the beginning, and she keenly discerned the clue from my pursuit of you. At that time, I was already in a state that could not be expelled.As I got older, she felt more and more threatened. I was unwilling to hide under her wings, and I wanted to face the sun. She kept blocking and forbidding me.The more she forbids, the more she stays away, out of desire for revenge and suppression, the more I want to get in touch with and get closer to you.

I've been asking for information about her to prove she's not totally innocent, she's not such a nice person, she's overly possessive, she's trying to manipulate you - as if exposing her inappropriate behavior will make you Closer to me and farther away from her.

But I never wanted to actually hurt her.It is not appropriate to make a metaphor, you are my unreachable and radiant sun, and she is the moon that will always match you, always shining on me with cool brilliance.The only thing I don't want to hurt you in this world, but I have to go all the way to death.I was in so much pain, I had to compromise, compared to others, it was you who mattered.It was always you.

41. Evil Boy 25 (final)

There was a moment when my spirit was purified, so clean that I could ascend to the sky under the illusion, and if there was a world after death, I could barely qualify to enter—sacrifice is a virtue, even if you are willing to lose your life In letting you go, I have reached the highest moral peak a person is capable of.I have really made this awareness.

For several years, Aunt Tan’s behavior of preventing me from approaching you has prompted me to act in the opposite direction. Her showing off or my provocation are like fish under thin ice, walking under the white misty ice, sneakily looking for the entrance of the hole Probe, I don't believe you're ignorant of these underhand exchanges, you just never talk about it.Countless times, I also asked myself what I was fighting for, tearing my second love like a wild dog, for the purposeless ambition.We couldn't compete for your love from the heart, and later we reached a secret consensus that your core is surrounded by a glass cover, which is insoluble in human feelings, so it remains motionless. This is the secret technique to ensure your own stability, but I Can't help but wonder if that's the case, can you really be so stable that everything we have can't make you fall in love?

The point of contradiction is that I want to break your shell and get close to you, but also want you to be free and unrestrained forever. Aunt Tan can’t do it. What she has spent her whole life enjoying is the status of your wife, and all she gets is the addition of that title. The product, your thoughtfulness, love, and respect are all derived from it; I wasted my efforts in vain, and finally realized that I am no different, what she couldn't do, I couldn't do it in me either.

The only time I'll tell you what a dream is about, isn't