Stubborn illness

In 10, I saw an advertisement for a mental hospital in Guangzhou on TV. I silently wrote down the phone number. When I had time to rest, I took my backpack and traveled from Foshan to Jiaokou and from Jiaokou to Guangzhou by train. Station, from Guangzhou Railway Station to Baiyun District, after getting off the bus, walk for more than ten or twenty minutes. The hospital is on the side of an ordinary asphalt road with flying sand and confetti. The sign of the hospital is not as bright as seen on TV. Enter the gate The building on the left looks like a specially reinforced building. The building is not high, maybe two or three floors. It is said that it is specially used to treat mental patients and drug addicts.I kept walking and entered the cashier window and consultation desk on the first floor of the second building. The hospital is not big and there are not many people. It is like a first-class hospital, but it may be much smaller. I want to see a psychiatrist, how can I go? Who can I find?"

"Hello, welcome to visit. Do you have an appointment?" The nurse at the information desk was very polite.

"Sorry, no."

"Oh, wait a minute." The nurse turned and walked away.After a while, the lady came back: "Hello, please come with me." She took me to a clinic, asked me to sit down, poured a glass of distilled water, put it in front of me, and said: "Director Li will come right away. Please wait a moment." The nurse nodded politely and left.

I was carrying a backpack, with my right hand grasping the shoulder strap of the backpack, and my left hand wiping in my trouser pocket. The outpatient room was similar to other regular outpatient rooms, with a desk, a stretcher bed, and a washbasin.... "Is it you who sees a doctor?" A middle-aged, thin, half-bald, middle-aged male doctor came in from behind, with a blue folder under his right armpit, his back was slightly lumpy, and he walked with his elbows shrugging. He quickly approached the desk, sat down on the swivel chair, and looked at me. "Hello, this is Director Li. I'm not here to see a doctor, I'm here for consultation." I nodded to him and smiled.

"Sit down." He raised his right hand and motioned for me to sit across from him across the desk. "What's your name, how old are you? What's the problem?" He asked, holding a pen in his hand, serious.

I looked back at the light yellow office door that was open, got up and closed it, reported my name and age, and said softly: "I..., there is a problem that has been bothering me. I often can't sleep at night, insomnia, I... ..., I like men, the kind of mature men with a sense of vicissitudes, I don’t know if this is a disease.” I didn’t say the written terms such as homosexuality and comrades, deliberately making myself look rustic and ignorant know the way.

"That's it, uh, look at this." He handed me a copy of the printed matter. I didn't read it carefully. I heard someone knocking on the door, rattling, rattling, and a female nurse came in with a round face and half the height. Sent something, chatted with Director Li, and went out.

I saw that the information Director Li gave me was all about how to hypnotize and treat insomnia and dreaminess, so I pushed it aside and asked: "Director Li, may I ask you to consult, are there many people in my situation? ? How should I adjust this situation?"

You see first, he picks up the phone, 1 minute, the girl from just now came in again, Director Li chatted with him, the girl went out again, after a while, the girl came back again, Director Li told the girl that next month I was going to Beijing for a meeting, to write a thesis or something, and the girl went out for a while, and then came in again, and I sat there, staring blankly, feeling very uncomfortable. Is this the way to see a doctor?Could it be that they are worried that the patients who come to see the doctor will be unfavorable to the doctor?

I don’t remember whether Director Li talked to me for a total of 1 minute at that time. I only remember that during that period, he and the female nurse whispered to each other no less than five times. He asked me to go to the second floor to fill out a psychological test. I went, filled it out, and showed him the answer sheet. After reading it, he prescribed me medicine and told me to pay the bill.I was puzzled: "Does this need to take medicine? Can taking medicine make it better?"

"Combined with drug therapy, the effect is more ideal. Go ahead and pay at the cashier. Also, I have a document here. I will show it to you when you come back after taking the medicine for this course of treatment. Then you will have further treatment. .” He opened the blue folder, pointed to the so-called one more document, revealed a corner, and quickly closed it, mysterious.

When I came to the cashier counter, the cashier told me that a course of treatment was 340 yuan, and I exclaimed: "Hey, the doctor just said that the cost of the medicine is about [-]. Could it be that he missed the prescription? Please give me the prescription, and I will continue Go ask the doctor." The cashier threw the slip out of the window, I took it, turned around, and went directly to the gate, to the hospital gate, where I tore the prescription into pieces and threw it into the trash can, to receive his treatment, I also It's better to buy some sleeping pills, which is simpler and simpler.I lifted the shoulder strap of my backpack and left, more energetic than when I came. That spirit was not bestowed by the doctor, but in my heart.

In fact, I have paid attention to the relevant editorials of Teacher Li Yinhe, and I have also paid more and more attention to related materials in the media or literature. In a situation like mine, is it because of excess estrogen in biological genes?Is it genetic?Or the Electra complex caused by lack of fatherly love in the early years? ... I don't know very well, and I hope to get a detailed analysis from the consultant, but obviously, this old doctor is also very lacking in knowledge in this area.

Aside from the interference of the disc image, I know, I can’t change it, I miss him, I think of him instead of her, I can’t change this thought, like the poisonous tendon on a carp, pull out Can't drop, can't smoke, unless you die.

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[-].

Lian Yu, according to the theory of psychologist Maslow, the inner power of individual growth and development is motivation.Motivation is composed of a variety of needs of different natures. Among the various needs, there is a sequence and a hierarchy of points. From low to high, they are: physiological needs, safety needs, social needs, esteem needs, and self-actualization. demand.The needs and satisfaction of each level will determine the state or degree of individual personality development.

Among them, the physiological needs are the most primitive and basic needs of people, such as air, water, food, clothing, sexual desire, housing, medical care and so on.If it is not satisfied, human survival becomes a problem.That is to say, they are the strongest unavoidable bottom-level needs, and also the powerful driving force for people's actions.Lian Yu, all these years of falling in love with you, I am really hungry, very hungry all the time.Hungry, maybe this is my fate, maybe this is the loneliness a homosexual should bear.Because most of life in nature starts with reproduction and ends with reproduction, while our life seems to only start with desire and end with desire. Therefore, from this perspective, we are easily considered selfish by you. Is narrow, even dirty.

Of course, you don't understand these things, and you don't want to understand them, but I just have a half-knowledge and follow the scriptures.Originally, love doesn’t need these things, it doesn’t need preaching, it doesn’t need hysteria, it doesn’t even need words, a look is enough.Lian Yu, after getting to know you, I couldn't pluck at the heartstrings of lust. I tried not to have any wrong thoughts about you, but I couldn't. In the end, I still couldn't control it.My mind seems to gradually become a refining furnace. I haven't refined the elixir for self-help, but I can't tell what is good, what is bad, what is right, what is wrong, what should be done, and what should not be done .

I am very confused, trapped in a palm-sized place, on your body, I have struggled, desperately struggling, struggling to break free, but I can't break free.Everything in the past, whether you misled me or I misunderstood you, from today on, I don't want to blame myself, I don't want to deceive myself, I don't want to humiliate myself.

Once, you called me perverted twice, but I had nothing to say, because I would rather hear you call me perverted multiple times than hear the second person call me perverted once.But today, I also feel that I am perverted. That kind of perversion is not because I fell in love with you, but because I love so persistently, love so stubbornly, love so much that I ignore your feelings, and love so much that I abandon me dignity.

I know that I have no right to ask you anything, and you have no obligation to give me anything, so, after today, if I call you again, send you another message, I am the grandson, I am the son of a bitch, yes Cowards are cowards.About your memory, including your kindness to me, including your badness to me, including your [-] mobile phone number that I can't get rid of, I will throw them on the ground from today, let They crumble, turn into scum, let them go to dust, like the flashlight that was perfectly intact by your pillow just a few minutes ago.

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[-].

"I'm sorry, I don't like it." I was typing very slowly, like a snail, and there were many typos.

"Why?" She typed faster.

"I'm gay, I'm gay, and I like men like me, middle-aged men." When I finished writing this in one breath, my tears kept falling, falling on the floor, falling On the desk, dropped on the keyboard.You know, it takes a lot of courage, even more courage than when I confessed my love to Lianyu face to face in Huangjiang.Because, I don't understand how the other party will react after knowing the truth. The distance is so far, she is sad, she is crying, she can't think about it, and I can't even see it.

"Why didn't you say it earlier?" It seems that her tolerance is much stronger than I imagined.

"You were the most aware of the actual situation at home at the time, and you were also the most aware of your mother's physical condition and her personality. You should know the kindness your mother gave you in nurturing you. As a child, I have no better choice. This is an obligation. , an obligation we should all fulfill.” After a long time, I wrote a paragraph and clicked to send it, but I didn’t know what she thought of it. Two places apart, my tears kept falling like broken beads. With a long runny nose.

"Look for it, look for it slowly, find someone who loves you and is worth entrusting. Rich or poor is not the most important criterion for consideration." "Then..., what about Quan'er, what should I do with Quan'er?" If you can, let him go both ways." "Oh..., what about you?" "Don't worry about me, as long as you find it and confirm it, we'll go through the formalities. Before it's confirmed, life has passed, but... .”

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[-].

If love is just a kind of endless waiting, just a kind of masochistic injury, why would I bother to go back and forth, desolate and lingering.He, with a flashlight, the debris scattered.She, love or not love, understand each other.I'm like a runaway hummer, regardless of whether there is a cliff in front of it!