Wading in muddy water

I have been dreaming a lot lately.

Or maybe it wasn't all a dream, I couldn't tell.

That day, I don't really remember what happened after the bar, I only vaguely remember several white lights flashing in front of my eyes, and countless invisible hands pressing me down in all directions.Liufang is gone, Zhou Boxin is gone, the lights, music, and noisy environment are all gone.I buried my head in my arms, desperately trying not to suffocate, and I had a feeling that I was slowly becoming a madman, with every breath.

It was only from this moment that I started to have the emotion of "hate" towards this world, which I never had before.

Liufang asked for sick leave for me, first for a week, and then for another week.

I didn't see anyone, I didn't see Dacheng and the third son, I didn't see the fox, even Song Yiwei contacted Liufang many times, but I didn't see him.I haven't talked to anyone for two weeks. Zhou Boxin called me countless times. Sometimes I would turn off the phone directly, and sometimes I would watch his call pop up on the screen. After no one answered, I would hang up automatically, and then He called again, and repeated.

It doesn't bother me, and he doesn't seem to bother either.

The first Zhou Liufang always apologized to me on her knees, and she apologized again and again.Kneeling like a crooked corpse, full of hollow screams, every word she said made me want to crucify her with a coffin.I hate Liufang, hate that she was raped, hate that she gave birth to me, hate that she didn't strangle me.I thought I would be fine, I thought that as long as I pretended to be quiet, I would really be able to be quiet.Only now do I realize that I just put everything in place temporarily, and sooner or later it will collapse and explode, and I will have to admit that I am a lunatic.

Monsters, lunatics, I began to have hallucinations, I had severe emotional disorders, uncontrollable rage, delusions of persecution, and all the symptoms of schizophrenia that I checked at the time began to appear in myself.

Unable to control himself, he went to the kitchen to get a knife and pointed at Liu Fang, trying to call her a bitch, but couldn't.

I had no choice but to turn the blade of the knife to face myself, and Liu Fang suddenly knelt down, saying that everything was her fault, everything was her fault.

But how could it be her fault?She is also a patient, and I am also a patient. Most people in this world are patients and there is no cure.People who are not sick are watching coldly on the shore, seeing us kneeling and crawling in the muddy water, but also going forward, being pleased by this snail-like posture, the endless muddy water, black and smelly, or drowning , or you will die of exhaustion.

I just want to live.

I calmed down a lot in the next week, but I still refused to see people.

Watching Zhou Boxin call me every day has become my only hobby.I never pick up, I would dream with my eyes open when I watched, dreaming of Zhou Boxin's indifferent appearance when he first went to Lishui Garden when he was a child, I unconsciously called him brother, he was still bored, but he didn't deliberately throw me away.He is like this, he will not deliberately avoid things that he is not interested in, and avoiding also means "care", he doesn't care at all, so I let me cling to him.

I don't know if he would soften his heart if someone else clings to him for so long.

The first time he relented was because I fell and broke my knee.It was summer, the sun was very strong, and I was wearing a pair of shorts. He frowned and looked at me panting in pain on the ground, and stretched out a hand to me.Surprised and delighted, I hurriedly pulled him to stand up. In fact, my knee hurt so much that I wanted to cry, but I didn't dare to cry, for fear that he would think I was troublesome.

But he squatted down and rubbed his thumb against the skin around the wound, "Does it hurt?"

I knew that I liked Zhou Boxin from that moment on. It was no longer my liking for my brother, but my liking for another person.

Sometimes I can see Zhou Boxin in my room, and I know it is an illusion, or it cannot be called an illusion, it is my imagination.

Of all the people and things I "see" in the scenes, only Zhou Boxin can make me feel at ease, and I am not afraid of him alone.

Whenever he suddenly appears beside me, I want to hold his hand.

I miss him so much, even if he is a monster, and even if he is a lunatic.

I miss him so much.

Thinking of talking to "him" and saying that I miss him a little bit, in order not to annoy him, I deliberately toned down the degree and only said a little bit.

But he still never paid attention to me, and suddenly went back to the time before, I tried my best but couldn't get any pity from him, he looked at me with scrutiny eyes, which made me feel ashamed, knowing that he hates me Hate my "love".

I decided to go to Song Yiwei on a certain day in the third week. I don’t know the specific day, or even whether it is the third week. I just have a vague concept of time.

Liu Fang didn't know that I ran out of the house secretly, I only went out when I heard her go out.Some time ago, she never dared to leave me alone at home, and later found that I never left the room for half a step except to go to the toilet and take a shower, and she only occasionally went out for a while.

When she opened the door and entered, Momo was sitting on a chair playing with her mobile phone. She was turning the chair around with her feet on the ground, and she followed suit.He suddenly saw me coming in and stood up awkwardly, "Hello, Zhongya Psychology. Do you need any help?"

I was wearing a down jacket and a big hat, and Momo didn't recognize me.I glanced inside, "Is Louise busy now?"

Momo seemed to be startled by my hoarse voice, she glanced inside hesitantly, and then adjusted her smile, "Have you ever been here before, sir? If you haven't, please register first, we are all To be registered."

I licked my lips, "No need to register, I've been here before, Louise made an appointment in the afternoon?"

Momo may be a little scared, I understand very well, many people who come here are mentally abnormal, and I really don't look normal.She quickly grabbed the mobile phone on the table and held it in her hand, then smiled at me, "What's your name, sir? I'll go in and ask Sister Wei to come out."

I was a little helpless, so I could only say my name, "I am Chen Li."

Song Yiwei was taken aback when she saw me, I didn't know what I looked like, I haven't looked in the mirror for a few days, I was a little afraid to see myself.People who haven't seen the sun or spoken to others for three weeks must be a little different from normal people.

Along the way, I wrapped myself tightly with a down jacket and a wide hat, and no one found me out of the crowd when I came by subway.Even Momo didn't recognize me, her voice was so hoarse, it's no wonder she couldn't hear my voice.I was holding a glass of hot water, but the temperature was just right for me, and the right amount of pain could temporarily cover up all emotions.

Song Yiwei didn't order any aromatherapy this time, but Momo will change the flowers in the consulting room on time.

She stared at me for a while, not intending to hide it from me, "Zhou Boxin contacted me, please let me contact your mother to ask about your situation."

I nodded, knowing that most Fox and Song Yiwei came to me at the behest of Zhou Boxin, "I'm here to find you, did you tell him?"

"Not yet, I respect your opinion."

"Don't tell him." I rubbed the cup in my hand repeatedly, looked down at the heat steaming up and down my face, and whispered, "Louise, I didn't come to see my counselor today, I just came to see me Friend Louise's, okay?"

She leaned forward and said with a smile, "Of course, I won't charge you today."

"My father is Liu Yuan." I said.

I didn't look into Song Yiwei's eyes, I just stared at the water surface, watching the steam, speaking in a very small voice, I don't know if Song Yiwei can hear clearly.

"My biological father is Liu Yuan. He raped Liu Fang 19 years ago, and Liu Fang gave birth to me. You must know that I have a disease. You are very powerful, and your tutor is a famous foreign professor. You must have always known that I have a disease." Sick, I started to have hallucinations a few days ago. In the bar... I saw Liu Fang, she looked terrible, half of her face was crying, half of her face was smiling, like a ghost, really like a ghost, she said she would take me home .”

"I'm scared, but Zhou Boxin can't see her, no one can see her, only I can see her."

"I always feel that someone is following me. Once I am caught, people all over the world will know that I am a monster. I have dirty blood on my body. Everyone will know."

"I... I haven't thought about dying, but I don't know how to live. I don't want to die, but I still want to... just think that there is still a person named Zhou Boxin in this world, and I feel that I can still live. But I dare not I went to him, afraid that he would be afraid of me, afraid that he would dislike me, or that he would think I was dirty."

"I'm timid and selfish. I never knew I was like this before. Have I always been like this? I'm timid and selfish. I used to say that Zhou Boxin was timid and Liufang was selfish. Now I find that I am like this. people."

"Louise, I'm so dirty. I often want to drain my blood these days, but I don't want to harm myself. I don't want to die."

I don't know when I fell asleep. When I opened my eyes, everything was dark, and my body tensed up instantly.He leaned back suddenly, trying to press his back against something, but sank into the soft sofa again, only then did he realize where he was.I was still in Song Yiwei's consultation room, it was already dark, I stood up and my legs were numb for a while before I recovered, my sense of smell slowly recovered, and I could smell a very fragrant smell.

When Momo heard the sound of the door opening, she turned her head and looked over, beckoning affectionately, "Brother Xiaoli! Come to have dinner, I bought it at the 'Eight Kilometer' restaurant over there on purpose! Wow, it's really exaggerated, I waited in line for a long time Team, you must eat!"

I know that the name of the restaurant she is talking about is actually quite stylish. It is called "Eight Kilometers" because netizens complained that there are eight kilometers of people queuing up for it every day, but it is really delicious.Momo squinted her eyes and smiled, broke off a pair of disposable chopsticks for me, and pulled out two cups of milk tea from under the table as if by magic, "Which one should I drink, a hot one or an iced one?"

Song Yiwei was picking green peppers out of the packing box with a look of disgust, she raised her head and asked me, "Momo and I don't eat this, do you? If I eat it, I won't pick it."

I also don't like green peppers.

"I don't eat either, what a coincidence," I said.

After I finished talking, the two girls didn’t know what kind of joke was poked at them, and they suddenly laughed together, as if the three of us who don’t eat green peppers are so destined to get together and still eat a fried squid with peppers. How funny thing.It's kind of funny. I didn't realize until I sat down that the corners of my mouth were curled up, and my heart was warmed. Of course I knew that the two of them were trying to make me happy.

I want to say thank you, but I feel that it is a bit hypocritical for a big man to tell these two girls.

No one mentioned my life experience, no one mentioned my illness.The two of them were discussing a little idol who has been very popular recently. Momo thought he could only be 1, and Song Yiwei thought he could only be 0. The two argued endlessly, and finally sent the photo to me for my judgment.

My brother is in this field. Of course I know that this little idol is probably not gay at all, but just a self-carnival of a CP-addicted woman. I took a look and made a sincere evaluation: "If you have to say something more 0 Bar."

"Oh oh oh, you know a lot!" Momo laughed wickedly.

I raised my eyebrows, I am indeed not the simple straight man I used to be.

It didn't take long, and they're going to keep trying to make me happy knowing I'm here.When I was leaving, Song Yiwei called me from behind and leaned against the door to look at me, "Honey, don't go home, go find your brother."

"I'm a consultant, and I seldom say things that are too firm. I usually guide others in a more 'healthy' direction. I don't want to say something too disappointing. If it is really schizophrenia that requires a long treatment process, you and Your mother is both, but there is a shortcut for you."

"Go and find him."

The author says:

Go to him, go to him, go to him! It's Chapter 16, you two are finally going to fall in love, I'm in a hurry