Wading in muddy water

Let’s be honest, not everyone has a lot of vulnerable moments in their lives.

For example, my brother, because he really doesn't care about anything, he is not pretending like me.

So he has never been vulnerable, and there is a high possibility that he will not understand what it means to be vulnerable.

My brother probably didn't care about Zhou Qingluo's death. Chen Zhiyuan wanted to bring him to live in Lishui Garden, so he came here. Chen Zhiyuan asked him to call my mother "Aunt Liu", and he called my mother too. Later, when I found out who my brother was, I often I don't dare to recall the scene when he first appeared in Lishui Garden, which has also led to the fact that I can't recall the expression he looked at me at that time anyway.

One thing I often think about is does my brother really have human emotions?His love and hate are not clear, the moment he hated me the most was sleeping with Ju Lulu in front of me, but the next day he wished me a happy birthday, he was the only one who wished me a happy birthday on my birthday.He will not be happy, nor sad, and it is even less likely to show vulnerability and loneliness.

He is a depressive person, I think of what Song Yiwei said.I don’t know if their psychologists are all so arbitrary, I think my brother is born with this kind of person, or he has indeed grown into such a person, and Song Yiwei thinks he is also pretending.In fact, he is also sad and vulnerable just like me. I really can't imagine what it would be like for my brother to be vulnerable.

"Ah."

I don't know how long it took for me to hear back from the other end of the phone.There was only one word, in a flat tone, as if he had heard too many lovers acting like a baby to him, saying that he missed him or loved him, but he didn't listen to him, and just dealt with it casually.

I didn't expect this call to be connected, so I didn't want to confide in him. The important thing is that I believe that he will hang up the phone as soon as I open my mouth.I was very self-righteous when I poured out my thoughts to him. He couldn’t empathize with him, but I hoped to exchange my fragility for his pity. Vulnerability is really useless. The only remaining value is to show weakness to my lover.

But Zhou Boxin is not a lover, I can't go too far.

Although he lacked interest and was rather perfunctory.

But it was a lot like flirting between lovers. I called him and said I missed him, and he replied "Yeah".My grievances were miraculously healed by this phone call, as if the soul that was about to float out of Lishuiyuan just now was pulled back into my body.My brother certainly didn't know that he had accomplished such a feat just by answering a phone call. I turned on the call recording function, turned off the hands-free phone, picked it up and put it next to my face, trying to make his voice farther away from me. Come closer.

He could hang up on me at any moment, so I had to speak quickly, but we both had so little experience on the phone, I blurted out something stupid, and I said, "Did you have dinner yet, dude?"

He was silent for nearly half a minute. I checked the phone several times and it was indeed still connected. Only then did my brother’s voice come out from the phone. His voice was often deep when heard in person, and it was very difficult for him to speak. Strenuously yes, so no emotion can be heard.The voice that has been processed by electric current shows some gratuitous magnetism and sexiness, just like the babbling between lovers, it only sticks to my ears, and only speaks to myself, although what he said is——

"It's okay, I..."

"Yes!" I quickly interrupted him, he even notified me before hanging up the phone, what is this, the benefits of being his lover?I even crawled into his bed, so I dared to do anything next.Despite what he said, he was still extremely nervous, and even subconsciously corrected his sitting posture in the empty living room, straightened his waist and sat on the sofa, took a breath and spoke into the microphone.

"Brother, can I kiss you next time we meet?" I said, and after I finished speaking, I quickly took the phone in front of me to check the call status to make sure he didn't hang up on me, and immediately added, "Actually, my wish is that you can take the initiative Kiss me, but I know it's impossible, so change it to I kiss you, it's different!"

"……it's OK?"

Quiet, still quiet.

I corrected my sitting posture again, and actually wanted to stand up and take two steps to relieve my tension, but I was afraid that the sound of walking would make it difficult for me to hear what my brother said.So I held my breath, like I was on pause, but my brother never said a word.

No, I have to strike first.

"If you don't speak, I'll take it as if you agreed!" I said this quickly, ready to hang up the phone before he scolded me or rejected me, then I reacted instantly, put the phone close to my ear, and asked him cautiously, "No, brother ... You won't let me see you again because I want to kiss you. "

I thought I heard my brother laugh before hanging up.

He hung up the phone, and said two words "hang up" in a friendly manner before hanging up, although he didn't answer my question, didn't say whether I could kiss him, or whether he would see me in the future.I'm not sure if it's an auditory hallucination when I heard him laughing, but it doesn't matter, fortunately I turned on the recording function smartly!

I immediately rolled off the sofa, knelt on the carpet, and lay on the sofa with my upper body, facing the screen of the phone with an academic research attitude, and turned on the recording.I thought how long we had been on the phone, it turned out that it was only 56 seconds from the time I started recording to the end, also, not a few words were spoken at all.

"Brother, have you had dinner yet?"

The moment I clicked on the recording, I was put on the pillar of shame by myself, stretched out my hand and patted the sofa twice, completely unable to accept that this person was me, and my tone was very dull, and when I asked, I was also very dull.It's like a disabled person who has been mute for many years and has worked hard to recover for half a year and finally learned one of the most commonly used daily expressions. Have you eaten yet?

Then it was quiet for a full 23 seconds, 23 seconds, my brother must have been quite speechless.

I held my breath at the end. After I finished my last sentence, there was a few seconds of silence, my eyes fixed on the second on the recording and I jumped up second by second, and a breath sound came out, very soft, But there really are, and then there are two words that follow closely.

"Bye."

If the laugh was a sneer, he would definitely not say "hang up" in a good temper. If the laugh was a mockery, he would definitely scold me for being shameless instead of simply saying "" Hang up", then there is only one truth, he really laughed, in the most common sense.I couldn't control my hands, I pulled the progress bar repeatedly, and heard that breath sound countless times.

Seriously, I look like one of those perverts or idiots.

But this laughter was blurred by the electric current into a hazy heartbeat, and it was all stuffed into my heart. I always felt that this laughter should not be followed by "hang up", but some more nasty words should be followed. His smile should belong to the category of seduction.Then if he smiles, does it mean that he can still see him in the future, even, he allows me to kiss him? !

This thought stayed with me all night.

Before I called my brother, I thought that I would toss and turn at night and would not be able to fall asleep. Unexpectedly, after the call, I held the phone and listened to the recording several times before going to bed, and fell asleep without knowing it.The betrayal between friends and how much wronged my mother suffered in Liu's house are all forgotten by me.

The moment I opened my eyes in the morning, I touched my body casually, and was forced to say hello to my other "brother". Good morning, you woke up so early.But I know why it is so spiritual. I dreamed about my brother. I dreamed that I dared not kiss him when the situation came to an end. He pinched my neck and begged me for a kiss. Kiss me on the neck.

In the dream, my face was covered with hormones, he kissed me until my legs were so weak that I couldn't stand up, he thought I wanted to run away, and was pulled into his arms again.I didn't even run away after being scalded by him with soot so painful that I wanted to cry, how could I want to run away after being kissed!

I grabbed the quilt and slammed it on my face, I was crazy, it made me blush, could I really be so obsessed with my brother, if I said it, I would definitely be regarded as crazy.As I recalled last night's dream, the person under me became more and more energetic. I spent half a minute thinking about whether to deal with it simply or take a shower to calm it down.

Without thinking about the result, I picked up the phone casually, and saw a row of message reminders as soon as I pressed the screen to turn on.

This world is so calming, I unlocked my phone and opened WeChat while thinking this way.Xu Yucheng has a lot of news, so I opened the third son's message first, which probably means that Xu Yucheng found out after I quit the group, and asked the third son what was going on, and the third son told him.Finally, I persuaded me, Brother Li, you two have a good chat.

Then click on Xu Yucheng's message.

At first they asked me what was wrong, but they didn't seem to know that I had watched the surveillance.Then he explained what happened that day. It should be that the third son told him that I had watched the surveillance. He said that he didn't know what Li Zhou was planning. Even if someone colluded, it was Li Zhou and Mi Qiao. He didn't know anything.The last and the most news was sent in the middle of the night. I think he thought about it all night and knew that the game between us was really over, so he didn't want to lie anymore.

"Sometimes I feel like a fucking clown when I am trying to please you. Why do I have to explain so much to you here? It's so fucking sick. We are not the same at all. Even in the circle, I still communicate with people with my heart Friend, I, Xu Yucheng, used to sincerely treat you as a friend, and you are the one who has no heart.”

"Have you ever regarded me as a friend? Do you know what Li Zhou said about me? He said that my third son and I were your dogs. He asked me if I wanted to be his dog. I'm so fucking, I'm so fucking Damn, I didn't care what other people said before, I knew that the three of us were good buddies, but do you really think that the three of us are good buddies? In your eyes, Sanzi and I are your dogs, not even dogs, shit neither"

"Third son still wants to continue to be your dog, I don't want to, I'm enough to be his mother! If one day third son doesn't want to be your dog anymore, then you really deserve it"

I read it, went back, and clicked on my brother’s WeChat to take a look. His WeChat has never changed, his avatar and nickname have not changed for 8 years, and his circle of friends has never been posted, but I still get used to it. Pressed to turn off the screen, staring at the ceiling.

Xu Yucheng is right, I deserve it.

The author says:

So sweet, you Zhou Boxin!