Like Love But Not

What mistake, what repeat?Haven't the ten years we've been together, the ten years you've worked so hard for, become a mistake to you now?

"...Xiao Heng, do you regret it?"

He shook his head, didn't answer my words, but smiled self-deprecatingly and raised his eyes and said: "You know, I almost believed it just now. You shouldn't treat me like this. I know that although sympathy is out of good intentions, but in the end In my current situation, if you stretch out your hand to me in a moment of confusion, I might hold on to it like before and won't let go. Luo Yuchen, can you afford to spend another ten years with me?"

"What are you talking about?" Why is he deliberately distorting my meaning?I was anxious: "What out of sympathy? I didn't..."

"Luo Yuchen, I didn't mean to pretend to listen to you explain something to me or promise something," he interrupted me coldly: "Even if you really can afford it, I can't imagine such ten years Do it again in my life. I know it was my fault and I'm not qualified to say that, but if I can do it all over again, I don't want those ten years."

"So you regret it!" I yelled at him, with a feeling of grievance and betrayal that I didn't realize.

"Time can't be turned back, but at least I made a mistake once, and I can learn from the past to ensure that I will not be so selfish when I choose the second time..." He ignored my accusation and continued talking to himself.I interrupted him again and looked into his eyes and told him: "Xiao Heng, you have so little confidence in me, didn't you think that I might already like you?"

He actually shook his head, looked at me with a very serious expression and said, "Luo Yuchen, I'm not that naive anymore, it's impossible."

"You!" I was angry: "You, you...you are not me, how do you know that I am impossible, you are simply unreasonable...you..."

He smiled gently, although the smile was a little tired, and then he sighed and said: "Luo Yuchen... Although I haven't been able to open your defenses in ten years, I think I know you better than anyone else. You will put People who are emotionally confused, just like you often say that you hate your father, and you secretly sent money to him during the recession. Now you look at me poorly and forget how much you hated me. If I were like those ten years Keep deceiving yourself and others with unrealistic hopes, and when the fact of mere sympathy is revealed again, what should I do with you?"

"Luo Yuchen, I've never had you, and I already knew it was inevitable to lose you." He looked out of the window with a vain smile that refuses to be thousands of miles away, as if he was absent-minded, but carefully typed every word carefully. It hit me in the heart: "But if I get you and then lose, I might really die because of it, and you will really be a murderer without excuse..."

"Xiao Heng!" I yelled at him.After such a long wait and such an unforgettable pain, it was hard for him to say that dead word when he finally woke up.He was shocked, and then quickly said: "Sorry, I just..."

We were all silent, the air in the room was so dull and stagnant that it could hardly flow, and the heartbeat was suppressed and lost its rhythm, and it hurt my chest every time.

"I didn't say that on purpose, I just lost control of my emotions just now." For a long time, he suddenly lay down on the pillow behind him, his eyes wandered to the empty ceiling again and sighed: "I'm a little afraid of your sudden tenderness at this time. Solution, Luo Yuchen, you also know that the relationship of more than ten years can't be broken, especially for someone like me who is a little hopeless. But I really don't need you to save me, I died once People who know how to survive strong, I can live a good life in the future."

"Go back," he said, "go back, let go of the past and live a good life, and let me know that you will be happy."

I can't remember how I got out of that hospital.The things that have been suppressed for a long time are finally revealed, thinking that they can be relieved easily, and hope is once again in vain.In the past six months, my heart has become like a rubber band that has been used for too long and has lost its elasticity. I don't know what to do.

So I retracted into the shell, isolated myself from the world by working hard, and simply didn’t think about anything. I lay back on the bed exhausted and fell asleep every day, and went on the next day to continue day after day, singing without any feeling , forced to keep their eyes open in front of a flashing light, or say meaningless lines to a camera.

When I was dreaming, I dreamed of Xiao Heng. He called me and asked me out. We sat together and drank afternoon tea and talked happily. In the dream, he smiled happily and said that he could forgive me for deciding to start over.Every word and every action of his was very real, so real that I finally admitted that it was just another dream after I checked the caller ID in front of the phone to make sure that no one had called me.

Sometimes I also think of the absurd illusion on that April Fool's Day night, and I gradually feel that it is probably just a dream of me with close to the details, but when and where was the unhealed V-shaped scar on the index finger? ?Where is the dream and where is the reality?

I turned into a workaholic and was ridiculed by people around me as "active passive resistance".The composer uncle often swayed by my side and asked, "What's wrong? Is the lover who dumped you that I mentioned earlier married?"

I have nothing to say about his idleness and boredom, but he sang "Where there is no grass at the end of the world" without knowing what to do. I was so angry that I threw the team out of the recording studio again and opened the skylight.

I was planning to go home and sleep, but I didn't expect a familiar figure to stand at the door. I watched him turn around and slowed down.

Obviously not long ago, but it seems that Xia Mingxiu has been gone for a long time.

"Ha, I thought you wouldn't come back so early." He was a little surprised when he saw me, then shook the key in his hand with a little embarrassment and said, "I'm here to pick up some things that were left behind, but since I met You, I can just give this back to you."

I looked at his still bright and handsome face, which seemed to be consistent with the temperament in my memory, but it seemed to be completely inconsistent. I don't remember how long it has been since I took a serious look at him, so I don't know whether he has changed or not.I opened the door to let him in, and the things belonging to him in the house had been quietly removed by him at some point, and he hadn't found it before.

For the past six months, my mind has been full of Xiao Heng's affairs. I ignored him, and I didn't even think about him for a long time.He probably had seen through me long ago, so he didn't say anything. The assertion "You've already fallen in love with Xiao Heng unknowingly" half a year ago, but thinking about it now proves that the authorities were already in the dark.

The fact that was already clear at that time was avoided by me until the last moment, and after I had to face and indulge in it, I was deliberately avoiding him again.His insight, his reticence, his indulgence, and his kind persuasion made me feel that I am a hopelessly bad person. I have already completely hurt Xiao Heng, and hurt him again. Who can be by my side in the end intact?

I have come to the end, and it is not difficult to confess frankly, but I still would rather not have such a last meeting. Everything can fade into smoke and disappear with time. Only I would do this behavior of an ostrich in the desert.

After all, we have to face it.He was sitting on the sofa, tilting his head and smiling, much like when we first met many years ago.

It is impossible for me to call that period of the past a moment of confusion when I was a teenager. I think I really loved him, and I really thought about living and dying together in front of his hospital bed. I really thought his smile was the most beautiful in the world. Yes, it's as if I owed him something in my previous life. When I met him, I was like possums queuing up and thrown into the sea, sinking without reason but resolutely.

It's just that neither of us thought that when I thought I would spend my whole life with him, that special place in my heart had already been quietly occupied by another person.So later everything was wrong and distorted. I tried to fight and redeem my fallen heart, but I lost completely.

As early as when I agreed to Xiao Heng's ten-year agreement, I had already made my choice.I hypnotized myself saying that it was a last resort, but in fact what is a last resort, the veto power was completely in my hands but I did not use it.I had already chosen Xiao Heng at that time, whether it was subconsciously or deliberately.Since then, the once holy things between Xia Mingxiu and Xia Mingxiu have been defiled, squeezed out under a stronger relationship, drowned in guilt and guilt and rushed into the abyss.

The inertia of people believing in one thing is terrible.The golden angel sleeping in the sun on that summer afternoon once turned into a lost beauty in my memory. For ten years, I have been searching and trying to find it, but finally found that we can never go back there, because there has never been truly mine.