Like Love But Not

I walked home from the company, from late at night to dawn.His clothes were still wet and sticky, and the cold had turned into a very numb feeling.

Home is just an empty and meaningless space, like a meaningless shell.After turning on the lights for the first time in more than ten years, I found that everything I was familiar with was still unfamiliar. The furnishings were exquisite, but they were flashy and hypocritical.

My fingers rubbed the uneven frosted glass of the cabinet, and my eyes lingered on his smiling face ten years ago in the photo frame.He always smiles like this when he is happy, with smile lines on the corners of his mouth, as if he is a little bit embarrassed and can't let go, but it can be seen that it is from the heart.

An amethyst box sat quietly in a corner of the grid under the cabinet. I still remember that when he put the cross earring in it and held it to me, I made fun of him for returning the beads.The box is so beautiful and delicate, Xiao Heng has been reluctant to throw it away, and I let him leave it in a corner of the cabinet.

I reached out to pick it up and gently opened it, expecting it to be empty, but I didn't expect that there was a silver ring lying quietly inside.My heart was beating wildly, and the hand that picked up that little thing was shaking.

The inscription inside is the most disdainful I have ever seen, "LOVE FROMH".

Love from Xiao Heng, or rather, Xiao Heng's love.

Xiao Heng's love was just discarded by me in the corner of time and buried deeply for a long time. Finally, one day I accidentally saw the light of day again, only to find that such a simple color and such a simple shape are telling what kind of deep feelings, until I hold each other again. Only when I got it in my hand did I realize that this little thing is so heavy that it weighs heavily on my heart.

I turned off the light, drew the curtains, and then fell weakly on the sofa.Pulling up the blanket to wrap himself, pretending to be hugged by someone, now only this blanket has such a little gentle touch.

Closing my eyes, there seemed to be a little bit of his smell left in the air. I was intoxicated in the self-deception that seemed to be nothing, and wanted to just lie down and never stand up again.

Just let the darkness swallow it, don't wake up again, don't have to face a tomorrow without any expectations, don't have to face the world without him.

The mind is getting heavy, the body is hot and cold, and the soul seems to be floating.The decadence has become so decadent that I want to vomit, but I am willing to be anesthetized like this.My stomach has been on alert and started to ache, and I don't bother to care about it.

While I was drowsy, I was hugged by him, and he was rubbing my nose affectionately with his head down.I was made to laugh by him, and I was about to say something, but I heard him choking up, and I was trying to comfort him, but found that I couldn't move, but I heard him say clearly in my ear: "I won't do it again. haunting you, you know..."

I shook my head, I wanted to say that I didn't think you were pestering me, but I couldn't open my mouth and couldn't make a sound, so I could only hear him say: "You don't need to run away from now on, and you don't need to add trouble every time you see me." .I will not pester you anymore, and I will not appear by your side to upset you again. In the next life, in the next life, I will never pester you again. You can rest assured..."

Next life, next life?

Don't you mean you won't be around me anymore?He no longer smiles every morning, he will not be by your side when you are sick, you will not comfort you when you are sad, and you will not come to share when you are happy...

He has not been around for almost half a year, and the lovesickness has been so long that it is constantly cut and messed up.Half a year is almost the limit, and then I was suddenly told that in the next ten or twenty years, this life and the next life, the endless darkness will only continue until I am beyond redemption.

Why, why did such cruel words come from such a gentle person?Why do you say it so badly, why do you do it so badly?Why was I cut off when I tried to make amends, only to find out it was too late?The most cherished person, I failed to treat him well when he was alive, and let him be hurt so thoroughly by me that he chose to die for relief. A person like me is not qualified to live in this world.

The possible beauty and possible happiness have been ruined by my own hands, why am I still here?

When I thought this way, my mind suddenly cleared up, and I finally saw another way to spend the rest of my life besides being left blankly facing a strange world, and my mood suddenly became brighter.I never thought that death could one day become a great temptation, a longing for relief.

I leaned against the bathroom wall with the razor blade, a bit of evening light coming through the blinds.I tried to understand Xiao Heng's pain and despair at that time, but my heart was numb. Looking at the silver light reflected by the blade, I noticed a V-shaped scar on the index finger of my right hand holding it.

It seems that when and who has similar scars, I can't remember.The blade cut across the left wrist, and it was only cold for a while. After being numb for a long time, it began to hurt, and the pain became more and more painful.

As soon as the blood flowed down, it was like tears bursting a bank, and I watched it flow too slowly, making up a deeper mark.

At this time, my heart began to ache sharply, and the unknowable expectations and possible disillusionment of the future can almost teach me to die with regret.I don't know if I can meet him and touch him again in the void and chaos after I die, or I will be the only one from now on, carrying the curse of being too desperate for eternal life, and recalling in vain that he once treated me bit by bit good.

There were no more tears, and the pain in his chest could not be washed away by the blood. When he was in a trance, the voice echoed in his ears seemed to be his own, as if he was calling his name, and then blamed him desperately: "Xiao Heng ,you are so cruel."

It's so cruel, you lift me up to the sky, get carried away, and then leave me alone, no chance of apology, no chance of redemption is left to me.Even if I make atonement by death, I still don't know if I will be forgiven.

No one forgives me, so even death is not welcome.

When I woke up, I was lying in the hospital, and it was only the next day.Xia Mingxiu looked at me with red eyes, and already gritted his teeth the first sentence he said to me, "Luo Yuchen, why are you crazy?"

I was stunned for a while, only to realize that I hadn't thought of this person for a long time, and it was too strange for a while that I didn't know how to face it.what's wrong with me?This person, who was once very close to me, now feels unreal, what is wrong?

"I want to die," I told him, seriously.At that moment, I could see the anger in his eyes, and he slapped me on the face. Unfortunately, he didn't feel anything other than pain, and he couldn't wake me up.

He seemed to say a lot of things excitedly, but I couldn't listen to him as he grabbed my collar.Life is precious, I know life is precious, but everyone has a hurdle that cannot be crossed.There are many things that I can choose to give up and choose to take a step back, but I can't see where my retreat is.

When no one was around, I bit off the bandage on my hand, and my teeth tore the wound to make it bleed again, but it was quickly discovered.The screams shattered my eardrums, and I grabbed the quilt angrily to cover my head. When I was pulled out, I couldn't help shouting: "This is my own life. I can do whatever I like, why do you care?"

There is no one who can reason. I was regarded as a lunatic in a lunatic asylum, and they pressed me down and injected strange things into my body. I was furious and struggling. Xia Mingxiu stood at the door, and actually watched this group of people go amok and did not stop them.

The mind is clear but the body is paralyzed, as heavy as lead weight on the bed.At the beginning, people took turns watching me, and Xia Mingxiu even brought Lu Weixi, every time I woke up, there was one of them by my side.I went on a hunger strike and they would give me an IV, so there were no sharp instruments in the episode, and now I realize that it was not so easy to want to die.