Like Love But Not

After resisting for two days, I was the one who was exhausted first, and I began to understand that I couldn't win the fight with this group of people, and I had to resign myself to my fate.Living a lifetime of self-torture in remorse and longing may also be a kind of joy in life, which is very suitable for a fool like me who can abuse others and self-torture.

The rationality has succumbed, but the subconscious mind is probably still stubbornly resisting, especially when looking at the wound on the right index finger and suddenly remembering what it is.I can’t remember how long ago it was. He fell asleep in the hospital for some reason, and I watched him by the side. I took off the earrings to play with them when I was really bored, and the sharp corner scraped out such a similar shape. .

The cut reminded me menacingly that I had almost got it then, almost, just that.

Looking back, I found that a slight difference was a thousand miles away.Just passed by like this, and I missed it forever.

I couldn't eat at first. At first, I vomited whatever I ate, and later developed to retch with nausea even when I drank water.The glucose solution only maintains the basic life activities, and with the convulsions and convulsions of the stomach, the consciousness flows away little by little.

People around me tried in vain to save me.I didn't mean to make them panic, panic and cry silently, and I didn't want this, and I also hope that this will end soon.

One day, a man in black stood at the door and looked at me indifferently. I thought it was the god of death who had finally come to the door, but instead of wearing a sickle and cloak, he walked up to me and squinted his eyes and looked at me disdainfully.I also know that I am too ugly, and I am worthy of his contemptuous sympathy for giving me alms, because this person has witnessed all the things I have done, and in his eyes, the current appearance is nothing but pathetic besides being ridiculous and hypocritical.

"Want to die?" His eyes fell on the tubes stuck in my wrists, and I guess he was thinking about pulling them out and letting me die slowly, or it would be easier to just stretch out his hands and strangle me to death.

"Are you here to give me a ride?" I asked naively, and sure enough he smiled, with the corners of his mouth curled up in a cruel and compassionate smile. Now this smile can't arouse any emotion in me, and I don't even want to follow it to express my regrets. I want to dig it up again.The matter has come to this point, and there is no point in laughing at him any more.

"Die," Fang Shuyi said, "it's just right to die, and the world will be clean when Xiaoheng wakes up."

I didn't react for a while, but then I quickly tasted the hidden meaning of these words. I looked up at him, my heart contracted violently but I didn't dare to have hope.My expression must have been distorted, causing him to look at my face with unwelcome annoyance, but he finally managed to say in that mood: "Xiao Heng is still alive."

When these words sounded word by word, it was the greatest redemption in my life.

It seemed that the darkness covering the whole body was finally lifted by the dawn, the light scattered, all the vain phantoms and unreal nightmares disappeared, and the blood in the body began to flow again and warm up.

"Do you want to come?" Fang Shuyi said, and pushed the door to go out. I don't know where I got the strength to get out of bed. After a few bumps and bumps, I finally grabbed him tightly. He turned around and pushed me. I shook my head in disgust, and obediently stepped aside, gave him a nervous smirk, and then followed him upstairs like a wandering ghost, watching him push open the door of the special care room.

I thought... I would never see this familiar face again in my life.

He lay as still as if asleep, his lips were painfully pale.The sound of ticking sounded softly, and the green broken line on the display fluctuated steadily.

"Xiao Heng?" I called him, but he didn't respond. I looked back at Fang Shuyi, and he shook his head and said, "Xiao Heng hasn't woken up."

"Why?" I asked, and at that moment my eyes moved down to his left hand, which was full of tubes. There was a hideous scar across the wrist, and I shivered.

Suicide attempt...is that so?I raised my left hand and wrapped layers of white gauze around my wrist. He was injured earlier than me, and the wound has healed now, but there are still scars.

Sure enough, did I push him to that point?

My legs are very heavy, but I dare not walk over in just a few short steps.This person closed his eyes like this and couldn't see or hear the silent but heart-wrenching accusations. I couldn't face it. I habitually wanted to escape, but I didn't dare anymore because I had suffered enough.In front of me is the overly heavy love that I have hoped for and feared. I don’t know if I can go back to the past after so much soaking and dyeing, and I don’t know if I, who has been corroded too fragile, can still bear this. A feeling deeper than the sea.

Still hesitating, hesitating, I laughed bitterly at my incompetence, I had come to this point, but in the end Luo Yuchen was still Luo Yuchen.If he were awake now, how sad would it be to see me shaken?I know what I know but I still can't change it. I don't believe that I have the ability to bear his love, and I don't believe that I am qualified to be loved by him.

Xiao Heng, how can such a person deserve you to hurt yourself for him?

I half-kneeled beside his bed, Fang Shuyi had quietly left at some point, leaving this dark but peaceful space.The cold moonlight reflected his handsome and refined side face. I stroked his lips, knowing that I should not kiss him after he chose to fall asleep in despair for me, but thinking that he has always been willing to believe in fairy tales, maybe There will still be miracles in long-overdue love.

I touched his lips, although it was only superficial and I couldn't bear to profane.He is still sleeping, I don't believe in fairy tales, so none of the miracles in that world belong to me.

"It's okay, I know you're tired. Go to sleep, I'll be waiting for you."

I will be by your side, slowly waiting for you to wake up, how long it will last.

***

I go to see him every day. As long as I see his sleeping face, I feel at ease. I often sit by his side for half a day without thinking about anything.I felt that my body was completely recovered, but the hospital insisted on staying in the hospital for observation, and even forced me to return to my bed at night, not allowing me to stay with him.

I sneaked home the night before his birthday and came back at midnight to put the diamond watch I bought him on his wrist, which just covered the scar and glowed silently on his wheat-colored skin. shine.It's a pity that the next morning, Fang Shuyi took it down and took it away, and warned me: "Don't put all the messy things on my brother."

"I gave it to Xiao Heng." I could only say so humbly, not even daring to speak loudly, Fang Shuyi snorted and said coldly: "No one cares."

Anyway, I was used to him getting into trouble, so I stopped making a sound. Unexpectedly, he walked up to me and shook out a contract paper and said: "Big star, the discharge procedures have been completed for you, the feigning of illness is officially over, and we will regroup immediately." Go and give me a good job."

"No, I want to stay with him here!" Without thinking, I took a step back and stood beside Xiao Heng's bed. Fang Shuyi raised the contract in Yang's hand and said with a sinister smile, "You know how high the liquidated damages are." .I'm not my brother, I can let you mess around with your temper. Do you know how much skylight you have opened to the company this month? I spent money to cultivate you, not to let you sit here and eat and drink for nothing, you Find out."

"Xiao Heng...he needs me by his side..."

I can’t even say this sentence with the cheek. It’s obvious at a glance whether he needs me or I need him. If he needs me, he won’t be so sleepy and resist, because as long as he opens his eyes, I will by your side.Only me, the ostrich Luo Yuchen who still buried his head in the sand, was afraid that he would wake up and that he would not wake up, waiting and struggling in contradiction every day.

Fang Shuyi can have a thousand ways to turn a corner and scold me bloody, but this time he chose to hit the nail on the head: "I thought you could wake him up so I made an exception and let you see him, now it seems that you It's useless. Originally Xiaoheng was caused by you like this, and you can't clean it up, and you still want to stay and continue to harm him? Maybe it's because he doesn't want to see you that he hasn't woken up until now."

I was obediently returned to the company under Fang Shuyi's coercion, and lived every day like a year. The only comfort was that I was able to rush to the hospital immediately after work.Fang Shuiyi bullied the door, and the time I was allowed to see him was dwindling day by day. I don't know what's behind the smile on his face, and I don't know if he will turn his face at any time and never let me see him again. Xiao Heng, he can only be obedient to him, and dare not go overboard.

The land in May is still full of beauty. When I was out on location, I went to a bustling and blooming hillside on the outskirts of the city. After the end, I picked a large bunch of wild flowers of different colors and hugged them, which scared the staff. , My composer who came for a ride also sarcastically said: "Luo Daxing is like a pure girl who has not experienced much in the world today."

The bouquet of wild flowers was placed in the vase in front of Xiao Heng's bed, and naturally, Fang Shuyi ridiculed him.

At that time, I thought that this kind of life would last for a long time, maybe I would have to wait ten years for him to make up for it, but I didn't expect that he opened his eyes before the bouquet of wild flowers withered.

He woke up at night, no one told me, until the next evening when I opened his door as usual, I met his eyes, he was sitting, Fang Shuyi and Lu Weixi were on the left and right, The afterglow of the setting sun shines through the glass and hurts the eyes, and it seems as if it has been a lifetime under the gaze.

After he was slightly surprised, he didn't have the slightest expression. He looked at me as if he had lost his memory and was defensive and alienated. I don't know where that layer of strangeness came from, but he started to feel cold from the soles of his feet. Something is always the same as before. It's different, I have fantasized about many scenarios when he wakes up, and the reality just confirms my worst guess.

"You go out." Lu Weixi came over and was about to close the door, Xiao Heng stopped him and said forget it, then turned to me and asked, "Why are you here?"