Like Love But Not

In the past few days, I will reflect on my stupidity from time to time every day, and occasionally find excuses for myself, and then try to prove these excuses without any effort.

When I was on the radio, I still excused myself by saying that "love and friendship are easily confused". In fact, I just hoped that when Xiao Heng heard this kind of rhetoric, he would think that I was not as hateful as I actually was. , just plain dullness.

Valentine's Day is coming.For me that day has always been the taste of thick dark chocolate.

Xiao Heng's chocolate is occasionally made, and everyone who has eaten it says it is wonderful.In fact, I don't think so. Dark chocolate should leave a fragrance on the lips and teeth after being bitter, but Xiao Heng is just the opposite. How ironic it is.

But when the day came when it was gone, I began to miss that smell again, full of entanglements.

I'm still waiting, although the new song written for Xiao Heng has been widely circulated, he still hasn't responded. I still prefer to believe that he didn't hear it for some reason.I stubbornly told myself that if he doesn't forgive me when the new album is released, I'll think of another way.

At that time, I never thought about how cruel life can become in an instant.

In fact, when I met Lu Weixi in the parking lot and saw the sharp condemnation in his eyes, I knew something bad had happened.However, I really didn't expect that what he said was that Xiao Heng was dead.

I was stunned by his words, and I didn't know anything for a long time.

died?

I am still waiting to apologize to him, waiting for him to forgive me, what does it mean to die?

I asked Xiao Heng this question. When my mother passed away, he followed me every step of the way.After class, I went to the roof and looked at the sun through the wire fence. He blindfolded me from behind and made me cry wantonly.I leaned on his shoulder and asked what he meant by dead?

He didn't lie to me, my father said everything he could to lie to me.He told me honestly that death meant that a person went somewhere where he was nowhere to be found, never to be seen again.

...never see you again?Xiao Heng, the person who hugged me and whispered in my ear that day, no matter what happens, will always stay by my side, also left me?

Isn’t it that the bone marrow has been found? Isn’t it all right? Isn’t it possible to recover?Why……

Lu Weixi looked at me with pitiful and accusatory eyes and said, "Xiao Heng committed suicide."

The pain pierced sharply through the heart and permeated the whole body, piercing into the brain suddenly, driving people crazy.Suicide... Why did he commit suicide? Why is this foreigner who doesn't understand anything talking nonsense!

Before I could react, I had already pushed him to the ground.I have no memory of what I have said or done, the surrounding scenery is unreal, the pain in the heart seems to be a bloody hole, the darkness swept over, and then I heard the curse, a voice shouted condemnation , he was saying: "Xiao Heng committed suicide, and it's not all because of you!"

I hurt...?

But...but I never thought of hurting him...

Tears welled up in my eyes when this thought flashed through my mind.Did I never think of hurting him?All my actions have always been cruel hurts, and I found it ridiculous to wait until I was overwhelmed by regret and now to dig out the original intention of not wanting to hurt him.

The tears were bitter and salty, and there was a strong pain in the chest.The pain was so severe that I had to suppress it, but I could still hear the sound of cracking.

Suicide... how is it possible, how is it possible... Xiao Heng is not such a fragile person...

He's not... So, the person in front of me is lying to me.

Lu Weixi and I wrestled into a ball and slammed him hard into the concrete floor. I wanted to kill him, this rumor-monger.As long as he shuts up, everything will be fine, Xiao Heng is fine, he is waiting for treatment, by the way, I will go to him, I am going to see him now, make sure he is fine, I will apologize to him now, he will forgive me...

Before I was relieved, I was thrown down, my cheeks were burning hot, I didn't want to resist at all, but Lu Weixi stopped, he grabbed my collar, his shoulders trembled and cried like a child, tears Big drops fell down.

Why is he crying, Xiao Heng is fine, why is he crying?It's obvious that he lied and spread rumors, why should he cry?

I want to scream, but I can't make a sound. I want to rush over to choke his crying and let him choke to death in a hypocritical performance, but I can't move my limbs.

What happened next is like a broken collage.It seems that Fang Shuyi appeared, as if I was pulled by someone, and when I woke up, I was lying on the sofa at home.

It was like having a nightmare, and finally woke up. After a moment of joy, I found that I was still in the nightmare and had nowhere to escape.His hands and feet were cold, and his body was as cold as if he had been soaked in ice water. Tears could not flow out, but they settled down and condensed in his heart, accompanied by raw pain.

This is a place I am familiar with, and there should be that familiar person by my side.But... what about him?Where is my... my Xiao Heng?Where is that gentle person who has been silently by my side all the time?

Where did he go?Who will give him back to me?I want to see him... really want to...

My stomach started throbbing again and I let it ache.Last time he appeared when I was in severe pain, will he come to save me again this time?

It was just thrown away. The quilt in the hospital was cold, and all I could feel was the hot tears, and the faint smell of disinfectant in the air. Can barely breathe.

So uncomfortable, so uncomfortable.he died?Nothing left, nothing said, suicide?

Why did you commit suicide... I forced you?

I was wrong, I know I was wrong.I shouldn't have let him despair and suffocate him for such a long ten years.But what to do... What to do, Xiao Heng, I just realized I was wrong, I just wanted to be nice to you, why is it too late?

……Where are you?I'm cold, I miss you so much, let me hug you again... I was really wrong... I want to apologize to you, I want to spend my whole life paying back what I owe you for ten years, but where are you?You don't want it anymore, Luo Yuchen, whether it's his feelings or an apology, you don't want it anymore, do you?

My life can be completely ruined because of this bad news. You don't know. If you think you are dead, the person who only hurts you won't care.

That's okay... This is your punishment for me, I can bear it.But, no matter what happens to me, I can't do anything to bring you back, I can't do it.

Xiao Heng, switch over.Damn me, you live on, okay?

**********

I insisted on leaving the hospital when I was able to get out of bed.I hate that place, everything is so pale, I can't stand it, I hear crying echoing in the hallway, heartbroken and desperate.

At a loss, I don't know what to do, what else to do.When I got home, I had to lie flat to hold back the flood of tears.All I could see was the empty ceiling, rows and rows of carved grids. I counted them over and over again, but couldn't get the same number.

I began to be afraid, afraid of the harsh phone ringing, afraid of the glare of the sun, afraid to think about tomorrow, afraid to think about my future life.There are no more surprises or expectations, an unbearable life.

At night, the shadows of the trees are like ferocious monsters baring their teeth and claws. The moonlight is bright and clear, but it is so high that it is out of reach.

I had a dream.

In the dream, it seems to be a long time ago, so long ago that it seems that it is not my memory. The scenery is the carved beams and painted buildings, pavilions, towers and pavilions that I have never seen before, but the people have seen it before. It is my Xiao Heng.

In the dream, I was not surprised by the ancient clothes he was wearing, as if he should be like that for granted, he took my hand and walked through the rock garden to the lake.The bright sun coated the surface of the lake with a layer of gold, and the light reflected in his eyes, shining brightly. He leaned close to my ear and said something with a smile. I didn't hear clearly, but when he wanted to ask, he suddenly ran away , My heart was empty, and I reached out to grab it. I thought I couldn't catch it, but I didn't expect to pull him firmly into my arms.He turned his head and smiled, without any sadness. I hugged him tightly, and he let me hold him without struggling.

That touch was almost still warm when I woke up.I turned my head and looked out the window, and a ray of sunlight was as bright as gold, just like the sparkling light on the lake in my dream.

I went out, and in the biting cold wind, the sun brought a sudden warmth, as if to indicate something.I turned around and firmly told Xia Mingxiu who was standing behind me, I said, "Xiao Heng is not dead, I know."

I know Xia Mingxiu must think I'm crazy, and I don't intend to explain anything to him.I believed in that dream, when I stretched out my hand, when I thought I was about to lose it, I still held him.