Like Love But Not

At that time, there were one or two people around him who had known Xiao Heng since childhood.Every time I heard them say that he was chubby when I was a child, I fantasized about his cute appearance, and then boredly published a long speech about "what makes pork chops into ribs", until Xiao Heng put his schoolbag on his shoulders with a dark face. until it fell gently on my head.

Those days were really good. At that time, Xiao Heng was very normal. He wouldn't be chattering and taciturn like he was after we were together, and he wouldn't smile at my anger and indifference every day with restraint.When we were friends, although we had never fought, it was not that we had quarreled—I couldn’t quarrel with him when we quarreled. His wit, which belongs to a high-achieving student, usually made me quibble quickly when I had no reason. When he won, he usually quarreled. He would smile brightly, and when I was laughed at by him, I had no choice but to lose my temper.

He had a nice smile, and sometimes I would deliberately do something to annoy him later on.In fact, I was already attracted to him at that time, but I just didn’t know it. I simply wanted to keep going like this, but since the day he kissed me secretly for the first time, the window paper has been broken, and he didn’t realize it. , my whole world turned upside down.

It was not long after I met Xia Mingxiu in the hospital, and for the first time I clearly knew that I could also be attracted to boys.That feeling is actually not as good as it looks on the surface. I have struggled for a long time. If Xia Mingxiu was not in a critical situation at the time, he might die at any time. Just good friends and buddies.

Later, his operation was successful, and we confirmed our lover relationship. Xiao Heng didn't show much surprise or rejection, but showed silent support from the beginning, which made me think he was quite interesting.Because he is one of the few people who knows my secret, I will inevitably bring him with me when I come to see Xia Mingxiu. In the hotel where I stayed, I couldn't sleep until midnight because of changing the bed. He suddenly turned over and walked away. to my bed.

I thought he was sleepwalking or something, and wanted to scare him, but he suddenly leaned over, I closed my eyes subconsciously, and felt a soft touch on my lips.

A strong electric current made my brain go blank and my whole body stiff, but he didn't notice it, because it was just scratching the surface, so he turned around contentedly.

That kind of feeling is terrible, obviously like a nightmare, and suddenly realize that in a sense, I always knew that this kind of thing would happen, so I was a bit doomed. When I was shocked, I was frankly insensitive to it. , My conscience and my cognition at the time began to imprison me, telling me that it was he and Xiao Heng who destroyed everything.

Now that I think about it, the magic power of that kiss was too great, and it made me suddenly have the biggest annoyance in my life so far, and made me discover something that I have been unwilling to face up to.I am afraid, afraid that the person who has gone through the test of life and death with me is not what I really want.

Unfortunately, the person I despise the most is my father. When he and my mother got married, they were poor and poor. They started from a small wonton stand together and slowly built a decent snack bar in more than ten years.My mother had to take care of business and take care of me. She was so tired that she fell down the stairs and never woke up again.My father seemed to be sad for a few days, but he married a young woman in less than five months. From that day on, I told myself that I would never die like him.I want to find someone I love, go through trials together, and stay together for the rest of my life no matter what happens.

When I met Xia Mingxiu and accompanied him through the torment of his illness, I thought I had met my destiny.I couldn't accept the feelings I suddenly felt for Xiao Heng, so I did something worse than breaking my vow, and I transferred all the self-loathing that came from it to Xiao Heng, just to obliterate that little bit guilt.

Whether it's the carefree boy who talked and laughed happily by his side ten years ago or the man who has been by my side for ten years, in fact, I can't hate him, but I lie to myself that I hate him.You can deceive yourself and others even if you tell a lie to yourself many times. Occasionally, when you really can't deceive yourself, the sense of disobedience will escalate into uncontrollable violence.

I couldn't figure out why Xiao Heng could bear it. Many of my words and deeds could be described as "outrageous".Every time I think about it like this, I feel that he will never come back again. As long as he finds a little bit of determination that belongs to his nature, he will abandon people like me without hesitation.If it weren't for the fact that he was still so gentle that night, I wouldn't have been able to sit on the sofa in such a leisurely manner.

I am waiting for him to come back, and the process of waiting is very long.Every time the phone flashes, it is a burst of joyful anticipation, but after seeing the displayed name, there can only be bursts of disappointment.

The feeling of being left alone without asking is very bitter. I began to think of him at night, thinking of the days when he was lying beside me and within reach.I tried to get rid of my old habit and started to crawl back into bed and turn off the light and go to sleep, but I still tossed and turned.The room was empty, repulsive like a giant black hole trying to swallow people.

There are very few of his things left.Xiao Heng has always cherished the things he owns. I lingered deliberately, but I didn't find any relics, but I remembered that most of his treasures were destroyed by me.

Even his feelings were constantly strangled by me.Stifled to the point where I sadly found it annihilated, sitting desperately beside the wreckage waiting for its ashes to resurface, only to watch as the remaining warmth faded away.

When I couldn't bear the wait, I went out to have a wind. The wind by the river hurt my face, but I felt a sense of sobriety.

I realized that I was slightly masochistic, and looked over and over again with the only photo that still had a little shadow of him left after I finally found it. It's like being addicted to savor the bitterness over and over again.

On New Year's Day, it was the first time in more than ten years that I had no one to accompany me, and I had to laugh at myself that I deserved it.

I no longer had high hopes that Xiao Heng could call me, but I was still very disappointed that he didn't call.

I dialed Fang Shuyi, although I didn't like him, but I knew Xiao Heng must be with him.He has never seen him appearing halfway, daring to call himself his elder brother without knowing anything about Xiao Heng, and protecting him ambiguously as if protecting his own family.

I want to hear Xiao Heng's voice now, and I am eager to hear it.He ignored me on the last day of the new year. I am full of grievances and feel that the performance is too cheap, so I can only continue to argue with him.

Fang Shuiyi finally answered it. It was the fireworks outside. I couldn’t hear what was said there. Although I was disappointed, I was a little relieved. In the hands of Xiao Heng, will the words I say be insincere or not convey the meaning.

If you want to apologize, wait until the time is right and talk to him face to face.I yelled some New Year's wishes into the receiver. Although it was vulgar, it was sincere. After putting it down, I found that my hands were sweating from nervousness. When my heartbeat calmed down, I felt relieved.

I think... Xiao Heng should understand what I mean.

The next day I went to pray to Buddha, praying for Xiao Heng's good health, and praying that nothing bad would happen to him.After one day, my waist was sore and my back was sore. On the way back, I saw a figure who looked like him in the crowd of downtown. I almost tried my best to catch up with him. He watched helplessly as the figure disappeared.

The thick night was gloomy and cold, and when I got home and saw Xia Mingxiu's clear eyes, I finally surrendered.This kind of self-deception of failure makes me laugh out loud at myself, and I finally admit it to him, and I finally admit it to myself.

I like Xiao Heng.

When he blurted out, the shackles that had been bound for many years finally peeled off and fell apart.Falling in love, what a simple thing, how to be messed up by my ego and selfishness.