Like Love But Not

Someone hugged me in a half-dream and half-awake, this breath was too familiar, I rubbed against him, he fed me very warm milk, when the warmth slowly flowed into the stomach and spread to the limbs, it moistened me until I was dry Tears even evaporated from the eye sockets that had been there for a long time.

Why did you show up? I really want to blame him. I don't understand why he is full of grievances, but after rubbing my stomach for a while, he actually wants to leave.I stretched out my hand to hold him but couldn't, I kept saying "don't go".He said "I won't go", but he still broke free and got up. I couldn't keep him and was abandoned in the empty living room.

That powerless soreness hit my already tense nerves, but luckily he came back soon.The feeling of him being by my side is very soft and warm. I feel like tears are streaming down my face again, but there is really nothing to cry about. With him by my side, nothing has changed.

He gave me some medicine again, the pain relieved a lot but the drowsiness hit me.He was still kneeling on the ground, leaning against me, within my reach, so I closed my eyes with peace of mind.

When I woke up the next day, my body was still exhausted and limp.When I got up, I saw Xia Mingxiu sitting next to him and smiling at me with his head tilted.

What was the feeling that flashed at that moment, loss?When I realized it, my heart slightly!After a while, what am I missing?

Soon I remembered last night, it was like an absurd dream, in the dream I cried miserably to Xiao Heng, but the dream seemed real because of the faint pain in my stomach, I looked at Xia Mingxiu, Tried to read something in his eyes, but he stared at me with an innocent tired smile and told me he needed to take a break.

I went to open the door of Xiao Heng's room in a trance, and I felt behind the door should be the display that I had seen for ten years, but after I opened it, I found that there was only a scary emptiness left, as if I had entered a different world, where It's as if Xiao Heng didn't exist at all, and he couldn't find it in his whole life. When I thought of this "lifetime", I felt another chill.

I seem to think of him often recently, the frequency is so high that I feel disturbed, and there is a faint hidden anxiety that is deeply rooted and slowly sprouting. Those things I think are more or less inauspicious.I don't think that's okay, I'm going to burn incense one day, and don't let my occasional negative thoughts really turn into something unclean and hang around Xiao Heng.

I think I dreamed day and night, but there was evidence in the kitchen.Xiao Heng will put some broken grains in the rice porridge he cooks. He said that five grains are the foundation of life, and his porridge always tastes sweet and moist. No one can make it as well as him.

This taste has never been broken or tasted in ten years, so one tasted it and knew it was him.

I was ecstatic at that moment, and clearly felt that the blood in my whole body was flowing at an accelerated speed, and even hit my fingertips and trembled slightly.

A voice that seemed to be my own echoed in my head like a bell: With such a person by my side for the rest of my life, what else can I ask for?

I was taken aback by the thought for a moment, but couldn't deny it anymore.There is something soft and warm that grabs the heart and fills it all over the place, and it's just so irresistible.

In other words, something has already penetrated imperceptibly, just shrinking dryly in the corner, from time to time it makes me uncomfortable and even wants to get rid of it quickly, but now it finally fermented and began to expand and become soft, warm and unnegligible. Found that I really missed a lot.

I pretended not to see him when he was crying, I didn’t comfort him when he swallowed his anger, I didn’t care when he was sick, I did everything I could, I drove him away with harsh words, and treated him seriously with cold violence emotion.But he never blamed me, even when he was sick, he still worried about me, and would come back to see me and take care of me.

I didn't think about giving back his feelings seriously, and I kept avoiding them with a selfish mentality that I don't know.Now I suddenly feel that he has done so much for me, and I didn't even make him smile happily once, which is really too much.

I put on his ring and reminded myself that I can return it to him on the spot when we meet again in the future, thank him for taking care of me this time, and then ask him if he wants to come back. If he is willing to come back, I will learn to treat him better.

On New Year's Day, I turned on my cell phone for another day, but he still didn't call me.

He... is he still willing to come back?This question has been lingering in my mind.Although he did come back to see me, he left again without a word.

I raised my eyes, and Xia Mingxiu's things were everywhere in the house, and I felt that Xiao Heng... might be angry.In any case, I tidied it up and stacked some books and the like in front of the framed photo with a guilty conscience.

I haven't fully explained it to Xia Mingxiu yet, and there has never been a suitable opportunity.He was right. He asked me to think about it more than a month ago. At that time, I regarded his words as a vaccination against my over-suspicion.

Father, like son.Maybe everyone around me saw how badly I was deceiving myself, but I didn't.Maybe everyone knows that Luo Yuchen and Xiao Heng will never break up, but I don't know.

Now, I clearly know that Xia Mingxiu treats me like an ordinary friend.In fact, as early as a few months or even longer, he began to deliberately alienate me.At that time, I was a little afraid, and I was not used to it. What I had insisted on for ten years was at stake.I tried my best to save it, and kept looking for him every day, telling him that the time is coming and no one will hinder our life.Every time I said that, Xia Mingxiu smiled lightly, a little helplessly, I thought he didn't believe me, so I had to go home and force Xiao Heng to push harder to vent his anger.

At that time, every day I approached the date of termination of the contract, I became more irritable, and I didn't understand why.Looking back now, I look back at me being so vicious that I could almost kill Xiao Heng. He was thrown on the bed by me, and his eyes were ashamed to accept his fate. I was very violent to him, and the bed sheets were often stained with blood. Abusive, every time I see his atonement like that, I get even angrier.

At that time, when I called him cheap, he would laugh miserably at himself and nod thoughtfully.The few times he could speak, he said casually as if he was commenting on an irrelevant matter: "I know you miss me so much, and it's my fault."

Now that I think about how childish my anger was, I just hated him for admitting it, I just subconsciously wished the reason he let me have my way wasn't because he did something wrong ten years ago or owed me something.

I'm really stupid, but Xia Mingxiu can live and understand, even he understands myself better than me.

Xiao Heng has never been stupid, but unexpectedly he and I can't see through anything.I think he was scared by me, and he was so hurt that he didn't dare to think about any possibility. Fortunately, I realized that there was a limit, and nothing was irreversible.

Even then, the damage has already been done.I didn't notice that he was sick, because he became reticent and melancholy because of me from a sunny boy, and he couldn't find any excuse to say that I was innocent.He has every right to hate me and to let go. I want him back, and I'm afraid it won't be so easy to change back to the old him.

I wrote a song specifically for the new album, and I wrote about our days when we were young.I admit that I have selfish intentions, this song is my apology, I think he will be able to understand it when he hears it.

When I picked up the pen, I thought it would be very difficult, but the memories flowed into my mind easily like a floodgate.Those things that I ignored on purpose, or forced myself not to think of in the past ten years, did not fade away at all, but spread slowly like a newly dyed scroll, fresh and bright.

I carried my schoolbag and walked behind him in the alley home. The setting sun stretched his back very long.He likes to carry his backpack on his back shoulder in a pretentious manner, and he will turn his head slightly when he speaks. Most of the time, what I see is his bare neck and broad shoulders under the tip of his hair.

I have always called his figure "ribs", not only because he has only racks and no meat, but also because every time I look at him, I have the urge to pounce on him and take a bite.This impulse is especially obvious when I follow him every time. At that time, I only have a strong appetite when I am in the developmental stage, but I don’t think about why he is the only one who arouses desire.