Like Love But Not

When I was in middle school, I was very proud of Xiao Heng, and I was also a little afraid of him. I often joked, "You know everything, where are your shortcomings?" It was definitely not a compliment but a sincere one; he is smart and capable, everyone likes him He, I always feel that our relationship in the past ten years is like he is teasing me. One day he gets tired of withdrawing, and Luo Yuchen, who is high above him, is nothing to him immediately. When a popular singer is ugly, he is a singer. He is richer than me and has more status than me. He has a good personality and is more likable than me. In fact, he can afford it and I can't. (Luo Yuchen is actually very entangled...)

Another two weeks passed in a blink of an eye, and there was still no news from Xiao Heng, and I became more and more irritable.He should somehow show up and let me know he's okay.Xia Mingxiu always mentioned him, asking if something happened, and I couldn't help pretending not to care. The more he talked, the more I ignored him.

I think I can understand Xiao Heng's acting. After all, he should have given his true feelings, and I did hurt him.But he should also know when to accept it when he sees a good deal. He has successfully disturbed my mind. If he insists on forcing me to ask Fang Shuyi, he will have a good time, as for what.

A few days later, Christmas arrived.

I was born on such a day, according to Xiao Heng's words, it is "a pity".When I hear him say this, I can only feel helpless. What he calls a pity is because he, an anniversary lover, has finally lost an excuse to "celebrate" within a year.

Christmas, New Years, birthdays, Valentine's Day, Chinese New Year... I'm very worried about these days, anyway, every day is a new day, just go on as usual.Xiao Heng doesn't take it seriously, candles, balloons, chocolates, parties... In short, there are all kinds of tricks. Often when I go home and see a mess, I start to wonder what day it is today. He is very happy with my confusion, because in this way He can "surprise" me, but if I go back too late that day, he will feel bad again.

Sometimes it’s not that I deliberately want to hurt him, but he still gets hurt. Xia Mingxiu said, “That’s because the person who cares more will feel pain when he is ignored.” I don’t quite understand that feeling, and I don’t want to experience it mean.

For my birthday this year, I finally became the neglected party.

I had expected that such a day would come, and Luo Yuchen was no longer a special existence to Xiao Heng.He will never follow up with me to take care of my food and daily life, and he will never help me arrange birthdays and anniversaries with enthusiasm, but he doesn't even have a phone call or a text message, which is a bit unreasonable.

Anyway... a short message of "Happy Birthday" is more like what Xiao Heng would do.

It’s rare for me to wait, but he still hasn’t called or sent a text message. I once wondered if my mobile phone was shut down, but if it’s shut down, it’s not like he’s the only one who can’t receive it...

At seven o'clock in the evening, I turned off the phone and picked up the receiver of the house radio.Okay, put on airs, no one can put on airs, you just want to call in now and I won't answer it.Let's see who is tougher than whom!

The next day I heard the news that he had leukemia. For the first time in my life, I experienced that feeling of ice from head to toe. Suddenly, I had the illusion that Xiao Heng had turned into air in my arms, like a dream. unreal.He...how could he have this disease, he obviously looks quite healthy.

I think this is definitely not true, but no one dares to make such a big joke. I may be standing, or my face may be expressionless, and only I can feel my violent trembling. At this time, pretending to be calm is no longer possible. As a result, my mind was completely messed up.

He left me... because of this?Just thinking about it made my chest hurt sharply. He didn't tell me why he didn't tell me anything.

If he told me he was sick, at least I wouldn't drive him away...

I know that Xiao Heng never wants my guilty tenderness, and he won't let me pity him.However, he left like this, and I feel more indebted to him.

I didn't know what I said or did at the time, I just felt that this unreal feeling seemed familiar, and there was a dull pain that seemed to come from a long time ago that was stagnating in my heart and I couldn't vent it. I said to myself, don't do this, it's already If the bone marrow is found, he is not dead.

But if the operation fails, if something else happens, if Xiao Heng just dies...

I closed my eyes, but I remembered a cold touch, I don't know if it was a hallucination or a daydream, I vaguely felt him lying in my arms with his head down, his body was stiff and cold, I knew him I can't wake up anymore, no matter how much I regret it, it's too late, no matter how hard I hug him, it's useless.

I opened my eyes, thinking that was too inauspicious.He's fine, he's going to be fine...

When Xia Mingxiu came back to confirm the news of his illness, I calmed down and finally breathed a sigh of relief after confirming that Xiao Heng could indeed contact the hospital.Fang Shuyi They won't let him die, but I still can't help but start to worry about him.

When Xia Mingxiu said "Xiao Heng must be very scared", I really didn't want to admit that I was slightly annoyed.Thinking of his poor spirit recently, he also gets tired easily, and he still forced himself to smile despite being under so much pressure. I didn’t notice it, and I made things worse for him. If he really died like this, I don’t regret it?I'm not as heartless as everyone always thinks, I don't love him, even if I haven't seen him for a long time, I won't miss him.But if someone told me one day that I would never see him again in my life, I couldn't stand it.

I have been entangled with him for ten years, and if I continue to be entangled, it will be almost a lifetime. In fact, I have not thought about the future when I broke up with him.But if one day the thread is broken and he leaves me in an irreparable way, what should I do?I didn't think about it.

I found that he was really cruel, and he didn't tell me anything. If there was no call from the hospital, he would probably die somewhere I couldn't see. I might not find out for the rest of my life. I found out that he wasn't waiting for me at all; or I found out one day, maybe I was driven to death by guilt.

This is what I have always been afraid of. Xiao Heng is very cruel when he makes a decision.If anyone falls in love with him, he must be very happy to be spoiled by him, but if one day he suddenly gets tired and walks away, what is left to the other party must be a hell that cannot be climbed out.

I resisted his affection for ten years, but I didn't want to fall so badly one day.