Deep Cabinet Licking Dog Diary

april [-]th tomb-sweeping day

Lu Bei's unreliable plan was completely wiped out by yesterday's rain!

I estimate that it seems impossible to reach an agreement with Lu Bei in the short term.

But this does not prevent us from completing this journey as "ordinary friends".After all, this is our first time traveling together, and I hope to leave as many good memories as possible.

After the two of us argued, I was also tired, and after a moment of stalemate, he got up to clean up and wash up.

When he came out, he put on a black hoodie, which set off his whiteness against the gloomy sky.

After he took care of himself, I asked him, "What are you going to do today?"

"I was thinking of renting a small yacht to take you fishing at sea..." Lu Bei looked at the sky outside the window: "I probably won't be able to go."

He opened the memo and read: "Small sailboats, surfboards, sand, diving, jet skis...none of them right now."

I had nothing to say: "Then what are we doing at the beach?"

"I can accompany you to pick up shells in the rain," he thought for a while, "There are many famous seafood restaurants nearby, you can try them."

"Then listen to you." I said.

"pick up shells?"

"No," I sat back on the bed and vetoed it: "It's wet, it's inconvenient to do anything, let's sleep and wait for dinner."

Lu Bei nodded, looking a little frustrated: "Actually, if you want to take pictures or something, it doesn't matter if it rains on the beach."

"I don't care. Let's talk about it after the rain stops."

I lay back again.

Seeing this, Lu Bei lay side by side with me.There is still a safe distance between two people.

He is not in high spirits.Maybe it's because of what I said, maybe it's because he clearly expressed his intentions but didn't get the desired effect from me, or maybe it's because of some guilt that our tour can't go on.

I fiddled with my phone for a long time, and the atmosphere was really dignified, so I took the initiative to say, "Want to watch a movie?"

There are curtains and projectors in the hotel to show, and it happens to be cloudy, which is an excellent time to watch movies.

"it is good……"

"Looking at what?" I asked.

"Happy Together, I've always wanted to watch it, but I haven't found a suitable opportunity."

"Row."

But in this kind of weather, with such an awkward and strange relationship between the two of us, choosing such a film is simply crazy! !Although it is a masterpiece among gay films, the desolation of the emotional entanglement story is even more unforgettable.After reading it, we both fell into an atmosphere of grief that we couldn't extricate ourselves from.

When I looked at it, I thought, if we insist on breaking up, Lu Bei is more like He Baorong, who is dissolute and promiscuous, while I am more like Li Yaohui, who is tolerant and tolerant of pain.But it’s not true when I think about it carefully. My compromise with Lu Bei is probably more infatuation and worship than Li Yaohui’s love and care in the play; just like Lu Bei’s indulgence, it’s not the irresponsible naivety of He Baorong. It's more like the numbness after surrendering.

After all, we are all in this world, each acting out its own story.

But watching this kind of movie, probably the only benefit right now is that it makes me realize that everything I have experienced is nothing.If I want to keep haggling over every detail, I might end up never seeing Lu Bei again.

This thing really intimidated me.I put away my thoughts that ruled the world, and I settled down at once.

Lu Bei, on the other hand, remained silent.

I know what he wants to say.

It was the sentence he had just been rejected: "Why don't we do it all over again?"

But he didn't dare to say it.

I couldn't cope either.

But I suddenly felt that this trip was really a good thing.Going to a strange place and creating new memories with familiar people, I seem to see a sign of a new way out in a relationship that has been desperate.

I can't say what it feels like, I just think, all along, I seem to be too horny.

I began to reflect on myself, whether I was too ignorant or too awkward.

In the beginning, I originally thought that being with Lu Bei would be a great blessing from my ancestral grave and burning incense in my previous life, but now I have occupied him in a physical sense and a part of my psychological sense, so I can have a good time with him Keep dating.But I just felt uncomfortable, so I just wanted to change the way.

Of course I don't think I'm the kind of person who doesn't cherish what I get!

We are honest!I can only be a catcher!I will not be a heartless person! !

I'm just so unbalanced.

Because I am so unwilling.

Before dinner, I began to review our relationship for the umpteenth time.

I am a person who treats others with rewards, but for Lu Bei, it was always wrong from the beginning.

My sunk cost to him is too great, my relationship is too unbalanced, it's all about giving, never getting.The basket of debts is so big that it cannot be filled even now.I have finally learned to speak out my demands and opened my mouth to ask for them, but the compensation I want now will be ten times and a hundred times what I wanted.Even a price that Lu Bei couldn't afford.

After all, he was actually competing with himself.

This can be regarded as a kind of self-compensation for myself, and from another perspective, it is also a kind of recognition for myself.

I kept telling myself that I did it, and that I could do more.I can be more important to Lu Bei.

I'm trying to be honest with myself.Get rid of the label of "dog licking" that I have always given myself, and face my heart purely as Goutian.

I extravagantly hope to be the only one, to be vigorous, and to leave that tear in his heart.I extravagantly hope that I can wash away Shen Jing's name over and over again like this wave after wave.I hope that even if he will appear again and again, I can endlessly spew out from his heart and brain, sweeping away all traces.

Just like ocean tides, this kind of sea water has periodic spontaneous movements under the action of the sun and moon tidal forces. Whether the sea is willing or not, it will rise and fall tirelessly day after day and year after year.I hope that for Lu Bei, my existence is the tide.Whether he is willing or not, everyone who leaves footprints in his life will be washed away by me time and time again.

Not to mention washing away Shen Jing and his predecessors.

At least, in the future, Lu Bei will realize that I am the only responsibility and obligation he has and only.Even in case, at certain moments, he suddenly thought of Shen Jing, and after thinking about it for a moment, he could immediately realize that he was sorry for me.My name will quickly float on his shore and clean up his distracting thoughts.

This is the most secret and crazy possessive desire in the deepest part of my heart.

I'm ashamed to admit that I'm not that selfless, that I'm even petty and jealous.But maybe the state of mind at this moment is the real me. In the past, those groveling, humiliating, and magnanimous words were all deceiving myself.Or maybe people are just dissatisfied, and I can't control myself, so I want more and more.

I want to uproot this evergreen tree and plant it in my yard, and no one is allowed to see it.I want to paint this green butterfly on its head pure white, and then let me decorate it with color.

I want Lu Bei to be mine, to be mine, to be mine from top to bottom, from beginning to end.

It's not that Gou Tian belongs to Lu Bei, but Lu Bei belongs to Gou Tian.

I finally stopped suppressing myself, and I was so relieved that I cooked a few more bowls when cooking at night!

The grilled oysters here are big, fat and fresh, and I ate five or six in one sitting.Oysters are a good thing, a gas station for men!Women's beauty salon!

Needless to say, the seafood here is really different from what we eat inland. It is smooth and tender, and it tastes sweet but not fishy.

Lu Bei was also worried that I was also allergic to oysters and told me to eat less.

But I didn't listen to the persuasion, since it's all here, even if it's a whole bottle of allergy medicine, I'll take it to my heart's content!Otherwise, I didn't play anything, I didn't eat anything, and I was really lonely.

I'm not the only one affected by the atmosphere.Lu Bei's side probably also figured out something.Although he didn't know what it was, his actions since yesterday explained everything.

He began to be sincere, caring, hardworking, and respectful.

Simply, reborn.

Even last night, the two of us really slept separately.Sujue, Lu Bei didn't do anything over the top overnight.I even suspected that he ate fake oysters. I thought he was going to use this name, and he was going to make a fuss at night, making him burnt.

Unexpectedly, she is surprisingly well-behaved.

But today, seeing that the rain has stopped, it's just that the sky is still cloudy, and I can finally go out.

I sat on a wet stone bench by the beach, the sea really couldn’t see the boundary, it was gray and blue at first glance, almost turning black under the hazy sky.The sea breeze slapped the face one by one, it was a little fishy and moist, and there were some indescribable vicissitudes, probably because of the gravel sweeping on the face.

I have always been a person who does not know how to appreciate beauty.For me, apart from Lu Bei, there seems to be nothing else in this world that can be called "beautiful". Even if there is, I can't really feel it from the bottom of my heart because of those shocking things I saw and heard.

But now, seeing such a scene in front of him, he exhaled a long breath, feeling that many things were instantly forgiven.

The wind was so strong that seagulls flew over my head loudly and yelling. Some of them were bold and stopped not far from me, tilting their heads to see if there was any food that could be fed in my hand.

It's cloudy, there's almost no one around, and there's nothing but me here.

The surroundings are noisy and quiet, and I have never had such a complicated state of mind.

Suddenly, for the first time, I wanted to let go and learn to let go of myself and him.

Not letting go for the purpose of being together, but completely letting go.It's better to throw him back into the sea of ​​people and allow our ending to just pass by.

Such extreme thoughts only appeared for a moment, but I easily accepted them.For the remaining 5 minutes, I jumped back and forth between occupying and letting go, and my mind was in a mess.

How nice it would be to have a time machine.Even though Gou Tian, ​​the young and stupid junior high school student, would definitely not be able to break away from Shen Jing no matter how hard he tried to pursue Lu Bei, but if there was such a small chance that he could be with him early, how much would it be? OK.

What will we be like now?

I stared at the sea in a daze.If he had been with him in the third year of junior high school, it would have been five years since he was in the second year of high school.

Maybe they broke up early hahahaha.

However, I would not have such a strong bond and obsession.

Lu Bei was not there.

Just now, in order to clean the slate chair that was washed by the rain and still stuck to the wet sand, he tossed and tossed for a long time with buckets and towels.I watched from the side and said that I would help, but he refused.

He is also very active now, put the towel aside, raised his head, and grinned at me: "Just wait, I will wipe it clean right away, and you can sit down again."

After all, he wiped the surface of the two chairs vigorously, which was quite flattering.

Now, he ran to buy drinks again.Because just now I said that I want to drink orange juice, but the nearby canteen doesn't have it, only soda.

So he frowned and thought for a long time, and said, "I'll go to another store to have a look."

"No need," I was taken aback, "It's a lot of effort, forget it, I'm too lazy to look for it, I won't drink it."

"It's okay, it's not far away." He turned on his phone and searched. "There is a beverage shop within 400 meters of here. There should be a fresh squeeze. I'll go over and have a look."

Then, regardless of my refusal, I took my phone and left.

It was rare for me to be taken care of by him like this, I was a little cramped and at a loss.

Just sat there, waiting for him to come back.

I was staring at the sea in a daze, when suddenly, a figure appeared beside me, and in the next second, something was forced into my ear.

At the same time, yellow freshly squeezed orange juice appeared in front of me.

I took it naturally, and the sound of the guitar playing in the earphones and some deep and thick male voices sounded in my ears:

"I'm sure, hundreds of years ago, I said I love you,

It's just that you forgot, and I didn't remember either,

I am sure, hundreds of years ago, I said I love you,

It's just that you forgot, and I didn't remember..."

"What song?" I asked him looking up.

"The "Lover Missed" by the five people," Lu Bei sat next to me, holding a cup of bright red tea in his hand, and said, "I just heard this song in a beverage store, and I think it's pretty good. , I just want you to listen to it too."

"Hey, what do you mean?" I laughed.

"What's the point?" He lowered his head and held the straw in his mouth, "I just guess you'll like it."

The two of us just sat side by side, without speaking, looking at the scenery in front of us, the vast sea, the sky, one of us wearing earphones, the sand was lifted up into the air and then fell down low and rolled around. It was a very simple scene, but I felt it was good. romantic.

"Pass by, pass by, never met,

Turn back, turn back, still wrong,

You and I have never felt it before, colliding at the intersection, colliding at the intersection,

Your mother didn't tell you that you have to say sorry when you bump into someone,

Originally, today was a good day, but my lover missed it, my lover missed it..."

The sound of the chords is so nice, the portrait is like telling a story with the music, I really like this tune, the more I listen to it, the more fascinated I am, and finally I ask Lu Bei: "What do you mean, is this a confession or a farewell?"

Lu Bei thought for a while: "It's a confession. It's probably the kind of story that fell in love at first sight but didn't have the guts to start. But maybe what he wants to say the most is the phrase 'I said I loved you hundreds of years ago'."

"Really?" I thought about it and nodded. "It was a good day today, but my lover missed it..."

Listening to this line of lyrics repeatedly, I said: "How many people lost the most important person in the most ordinary day."

Lu Bei looked at me in surprise: "Why did I hear this meaning?"

I curled my lips: "Maybe there is such an atmosphere."

He froze for a moment, then stopped talking.

After sitting quietly for a while, I thought, it would be nice if the two of us just stayed for an afternoon.Suddenly the side of the jio was itchy, and when I lifted it up, I realized that a small crab had just crawled over my instep.I finally regained my energy and pulled out the earphones: "Lu Bei! Look!"

Lu Bei heard the reputation, and was also excited: "Hey! It really is there!"

"Go!" I took the initiative to pull him up: "Then follow your plan, pick up shells and go!"

Lu Bei pursed his lips and smiled: "I'm going to build a bunker."

"Heh, if you don't pick up shells, then I'll wait for you to build it and knock down your blockhouse!"

"Pfft, childish!"

"Building bunkers is more childish!"

Only then did I finally feel a bit touristy, and I began to pick up rags on the beach along the coastline, looking for oddly shaped gadgets.

While looking for it, I reported my loot in the direction of Lu Bei, like a child reporting to his parents.

Every time he said it, he would get a strong compliment from him. The degree of exaggeration was simply a dog's leg that spared no effort.

"I found a four-legged starfish!"

"Amazing! Usually starfish have five legs, you found a little lame leg!"

"I found an empty shell!"

"Amazing! If you look again, there will be empty shells all over the ground!"

"Half a broken glass bottle!"

"Excellent! But you paddle carefully!"

"Another empty shell!"

"Awesome! You choose a good-looking one and take it back!"

"I want them all." "Then take them all!"

"I found……"

"Great!"

"I……"

"Great!"

There are parents who bring their children to catch the sea, and we feel like we are crazy.

Originally, I was very skilled and caught a little Huadan crab, but before I could take it to offer a treasure to Lu Bei, it ran away lying on the sand.

I had a lot of harvest in the afternoon. Although it was garbage that no one wanted, after picking and picking for a long time, I still felt that I would put it all in a bag and take it back as a souvenir.

Finally, before I went to eat, I was satisfied and knocked down the pineapple house that Lu Bei had worked so hard to build all afternoon, and felt that my life was complete.

The hotel is not far from the beach. After walking for more than ten or ten minutes, we walked slowly across a short distance.

The sea breeze has cooled down, and there seems to be a tendency to rain again.We were walking by the curb, and a car sped by with its headlights on, beams of light appearing and disappearing.

"Here." Lu Bei tugged at me and handed me something.

I took it over and took a look. It turned out that it was a photo of the two of us with a Polaroid that was rented out by the store in the afternoon.

Among other things, at least we both look sweet in the photo.

Turning it over, I found that there was another sentence on the back, which was Lu Bei's familiar and powerful handwriting.

"My heart was dripping with blood at first, and then it was covered with layers of thick blood scabs and splatters of dried blood, but you wiped all these away with your own heart, so I would like to give this heart to you."