between men and women

fourth post

After knowing that I was a little abnormal, I was very confused for a while.I thought very hard about why I was abnormal.I later blamed it all on my not having a healthy home.

I remember when I was very young, there were constant arguments at home.When I was in the first grade of elementary school, my father wanted to divorce my mother and remarry a girl from the same unit. He told my mother that it was true love.I don’t remember how the middle process was. I was too young at that time. I only remember that when my mother took me to negotiate terms with my father, my father touched my head and stuffed an apple for me. , I am very happy to gnaw, when the gnawing is over, my parents have already negotiated my monthly living expenses, [-] per month.

I am a contradictory body who knows some things very early and some things very late.For example, at that time, I didn't understand the other things very well, but when I heard the living expenses of [-] per month and thought about it, it turned out that I was worth that much.

Then my dad moved out and only visited me on weekends.I think about him every day, and then hang out with a group of girls. Most of the children born to my mother's good friend are girls. film play.As a result, many grandparents who passed by at that time thought I was also a girl.

But my dad didn't marry the girl in the same unit after his divorce. It seems that the other party's parents disagreed.After I played with those girls for two or three years, he and my mother remarried.Then there are bumps and bumps like before, always mixed with big and small noises.

The lives of the two of them seem to have nothing to do with me. I only need to be responsible for going home every day to have dinner and finish my homework. I quarreled and reconciled, reconciled and quarreled again, until my dad found true love again.

I fucking love it.That was the only thing on my mind when I knew they were going to divorce again in sixth grade.

So I think, I am not normal probably because no one took care of me since I was a child, so that my gender awareness has not been very strong.Because for almost two or three years, I only lived with my mother, and then only played with girls.

After thinking about the reason, I was very sad.I was so sad that I felt that I didn't have the courage to live.I stood in the corridor outside the classroom for a long time, looked at the cement on the first floor, and then thought about whether I would fall to my death if I jumped from the third floor, because the tallest building in the school was only on the third floor at that time.At that time, I calmly felt that I could only fall disabled and not die when I jumped from the third floor, so I thought it would be better to go home and jump off the building.As a result, when I looked down from the balcony on the fifth floor of our house, I was very helpless to find that there were countless bamboo poles for drying clothes.I stood for a long time, thinking that if I jumped down, I would be blocked by the bamboo poles on every floor. In the end, I would probably be disabled. Besides, my mother had to spend money with the neighbor’s bamboo poles, which was not worthwhile, so I didn’t jump from home. go down.

Now that I think about it, I was so innocent at that time. I wanted to die and I only wanted to die at school and at home. I didn’t even go outside to find any construction sites, and I didn’t think about other suicide methods.Then I slowly forgot about the idea of ​​suicide, and said in my heart, it's okay, I'm still young, it's hard to say that I will get back to normal after more contact with male classmates.

fifth post

After entering junior high school, I had more homework than before, and I also encouraged myself to participate more in the interaction with classmates. For a while, I thought I was normal.

At that time, the English teacher in our class was Hu Ying, a young female teacher who had just graduated from the normal school.She is not very beautiful, but her complexion is very fair, her eyes are big, and she is a little fat, but she is the kind of girl who is very cute and blessed.Every time she comes to class, when she walks to the door, she always bows her head shyly before walking in.At that time, the boys in the class would collectively boo. Sometimes when they saw her wearing a skirt, they would shout together: "Wow, Teacher Hu is so beautiful today! Are you going on a date with your boyfriend?" Flushed, then cleared her throat twice, raised her face and said, "Okay, let's start class."

But to be honest, she is not at all fierce when she puts on her face, we will laugh at her again, and she immediately loses her face, so she can only greet us with a smile: "Okay, okay, we really have to go to class, how about you What about the exam?"

She is the kind of teacher who is very clear and has a bit of petty bourgeoisie. If the weather is good for the small exams, she will invigilate the first half of the exam in the classroom, and then move a stool to sit at the door to bask in the sun in the second half, even if she Knowing that we would take the opportunity to peek at the same table cheating, she was always very indifferent, and then said when collecting the test papers: "It doesn't matter for the quiz, it's mainly a self-test, and it's good to make up for it when you know what you have. , the grade is just a number for parents to see. But the senior high school entrance examination is the time to determine your future and fate, and I will not invigilate the examination at that time, you have to be responsible for yourselves!"

Let's just nod together.As a result, we gradually stopped cheating in the quiz. Anyway, she didn't ask everyone to take the papers back to their parents to sign every time. On the contrary, everyone had a good attitude towards learning. If she got a score in the [-]s and passed the pass line in class, she would even praise her.

So everyone liked her very much at that time, including me.I thought I was normal until that day.

Hu Ying likes to leave 10 minutes after class to answer questions for everyone. That day our class leader went to her to ask her the answers to some supplementary exercises after class.I was just about to go to the bathroom, and when I passed the podium, I took a look.I forgot whether it was a cloze or a multiple-choice question or something. I just remembered that there were two questions in total. The answer to one question was husband and the other was wife.Seeing me watching from the sidelines, Hu Ying said, "Chen Jia, take a look, what is the answer to this question?"

I quickly glanced at it, pointed to the answer to the first question and said it was husband, but I couldn’t spit out the answer to the other question even though I knew it was wife. The class leader suddenly realized and said, oh, the second question is wife.Then Hu Ying teased us with a smile and said, "Yes, you will all have a wife in the future, so read it more now." I choked a bit when I heard that sentence, and felt a little sick.I knew I might never get better.

sixth post

So later on I was always careful not to get too close to any boy.I think it’s fine if I’m not normal, but don’t implicate or hurt others.I must control myself.

But people always desire to be recognized, accepted and loved, and I am no exception.

I'm not the kind of person who will fall in love with someone at first sight.It is said that a large part of love at first sight is due to appearance, maybe because my own appearance is good, so I don't particularly value this.But of course, it is impossible to like boys who are not good-looking, at least they must be clean and beautiful.

At that time, there was a boy named Jia Qinghe in class three, who had good grades and was popular with girls.I know him, but because he is not in the same class, I only meet him occasionally in the school corridor.

That day I went home at noon and had lunch, listening to Jimmy Lin's songs with earphones in my ears, and reading the lyrics while walking.At that time, only a few parents would buy Walkman for their children. This was given to me by my dad when he visited me last time.As a result, I read the lyrics too seriously, and I didn’t notice it when I walked to the corridor of the classroom. I tripped over the first step in the corridor and fell on the ground.

The situation was too embarrassing, but I didn't react for a while, so I just stood there and didn't respond.Then someone helped me up and said with a smile, "Are you okay?" That person was Jia Qinghe.He looked at my blushing face when I took off the earphones and said, "What are you looking at so seriously?" Then he grabbed the lyrics from my hand.

That's how we got to know each other.After chatting, I found out that the two of us actually lived very close to each other, so we made an appointment to go home together after school.

When we were in junior high school, most of us rode bicycles, and school was not too early, around five o'clock.Sometimes their class ends a little earlier than ours, so he goes to the bicycle shed first and sits on the back seat of my bicycle, reading a book while waiting for me.

He forgets the time when he reads a book. Sometimes our class is punished by the teacher for detention until 05:30 and [-]:[-]. When I go to the bicycle shed, I can see him still reading under the light of the shed.I was very sorry, so I invited him to eat fried shredded radish pancakes outside the school.

He knows that I have more pocket money than him, and he is never polite to me. He can eat two every time. I am always funny when I see him anxious to eat because he is afraid of being hot, so he just looks at me. Laugh.

Those days were simple and fun.Sometimes we would ask each other about homework on the way home by bike, and sometimes gossip about school.I am actually the kind of person who is very gossip in my heart but will not take the initiative to inquire about gossip, and because he has a good relationship with girls in school, he hears a lot about who is having an affair with whom, and who may be with whom. , just tell me if you have nothing to do.He saw that I didn't express anything about the kind of love between men and women, so he asked a little strangely: "I said Chen Jia, I think there are quite a lot of girls in our school who are interested in you, why have you never thought about having a girlfriend? "I said lightly: "Study is more important now, those are all fake, we will talk about making friends later." He nodded and said with a smile: "Well, it makes sense."

Girls at that time were much more timid than now, and not many dared to confess blatantly, but I still heard later that a girl from Class [-] hinted that she wanted to date him, but he refused.

But I still imagine junior high school life too peacefully.

In the first half of the third year of junior high school, a girl from the first year of high school came to confess to me.