Bound love

I can't even look down on myself.

Several times, Bo Xiyan drove back to the countryside in the middle of the night just to catch a glimpse of Qi Ya.

Autumn is a rainy season, cold and humid.

Due to financial problems, there are always many puddles in the village where Duan Qiya lives. When walking at night, you must be extra careful, because you will slip and fall if you are not careful.

Because he was afraid of being discovered by Qi Ya, Bo Xiyan always parked the car by the road far away from the village, stepped on the muddy feet, and walked step by step to the hut in his memory.

Slowly approaching, just to take a look at him.

He also thought about calling Qi Ya, but he didn't dare, really didn't dare.

Whenever Bo Xiyan presses the most familiar phone number, he always presses it immediately, because he is afraid, afraid of hearing Qi Ya's decisive words, afraid of Qi Ya's rejection of him again, and even more afraid of himself He was also deprived of the right to stay by his side as an adopted son...

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"Qiya... don't go... Qiya... I... I love you... Qiya..."

It was another long night, and Bo Xiyan woke up from a nightmare.

Recently, he always had such a dream.The same characters, the same plot, no matter how many times he comforts himself in real life, the ending always develops in the worst direction.

In the dream, he and Qi Ya were far away, getting farther and farther away. The man who once tried his best to love him became strange and alienated. No matter how much he asked, he still put on a picture With an indifferent face, while laughing at his humble love, his face was full of disdain and disgust.

After getting up and pouring himself a glass of water, Bo Xiyan picked up the phone again and pressed the number that was so familiar that he couldn't be more familiar with it.

The second after the call was made, he pressed it again, taking advantage of the second before it was connected, he pressed it.

Annoyedly throwing the phone aside, Bo Xiyan buried his head between his legs for a while, picked up the phone again, and sent a text message to Duan Qiya.

Qiya, I miss you...

Qiya, I was wrong...

Qi Ya, I will never drink again!never hurt you again...

Qiya, I... will always wait for you...

For a simple text message, Bo Xiyan typed for a long time, not because of his slow typing speed, but because he really didn't know how to say it to Qi Ya.

In two hours, he repeated it many times, in many different versions, filled with too much emotion between the lines, and in the end, he deleted them all, leaving only one sentence——

Qiya...can you forgive me?

The moment the text message was sent, Bo Xiyan's heart rose in his throat.He was very excited and somewhat regretful, but the text messages he sent were like splashed water, and he couldn't get them back no matter what.

And all he will do is wait...

After waiting all night, Bo Xiyan didn't even get a word, only the snowflakes on the TV accompanied him, the sound of "thrilling, tingling" was so empty in his ears, it made him feel sad and wanted to cry, but I can't cry at all.

Just when Bo Xiyan thought that Qi Ya would never talk to him again in his life, he received a call from Qi Ya.

"Qiya..." After picking up the phone, Bo Xiyan's voice trembled.

"Xiaoyan, are you free this weekend? I... want to talk to you..."

Hearing that Duan Qiya took the initiative to find him, Bo Xiyan was more excited than ever.Joy, fear, all opposing emotions are intertwined at this moment, tightly entwining his whole body.

"Yes! I have! Do you want to come over? No, I'm too tired to squeeze the bus this day, so I'd better pick you up. What time do you want to come over? Qi Ya? Qi Ya, are you listening to me?"

After being silent for a while, Duan Qiya said: "No, I shouldn't need too much of your time, so this Saturday... can I make an appointment at the cafe downstairs in your house?"

"That's it..." Hearing that Qi Ya wanted to meet him in the coffee shop, Bo Xiyan was a little disappointed, but he agreed with his strength. After all, as long as Qi Ya is willing to meet him now, it will be very satisfying... …

48 something, not for me

On the day the two met, Bo Xiyan came to the cafe wearing the clothes he had chosen for several days. The silver-gray high-end suit was a handsome and promising successful man, while Duan Qiya only wore it for a long time. The old clothes from before, carrying two bags of things, walked towards him.

"Qiya." Seeing Duan Qiya, Bo Xiyan waved at him, with an excited and suppressed smile on his face unconsciously, like a person who has not received love for a long time but longs for it Children, people feel distressed and want to cry.

"Xiao Yan." Seeing Bo Xiyan's expression, Duan Qiya's heart was wrenched together, but she still found a corner and sat down quietly.

"What do you want to drink? How about hot lemon honey?"

"Ah."

"Please have a cup of hot lemon honey and a cup of black coffee."

"Okay." After writing down the menu, the waiter took the menu and left slowly, leaving the two of them staring at each other speechlessly, unable to say anything.

The two were silent for a long time, until the waiter took two drinks, brought them to the table, and left again.

After hesitating for a long time, Duan Qiya suddenly bent down and picked up the paper bag beside her.

"These things...I want to return them to you..."

"What is it?"

Taking the bag from Duan Qiya's hand, Bo Xiyan glanced at it, his eyes suddenly became complicated.

Why……

it will be like this...

Lowering his head, Duan Qiya's eyelashes were like two feather fans, printing two deep eye shadows under his eyelids.

At this moment, he didn't dare to look at Bo Xiyan's face at all, so he could only stare at his rag shoes, and said lightly:

"I'd better go back to my own clothes, which don't suit me..."

"It's like something... just doesn't suit me..."

Hearing Duan Qiya's words, Bo Xiyan smiled, the bitter taste was even bitterer than the strong black coffee in the cup.

He knows what Qiya refers to, but he doesn't understand why Qiya is so unfeeling, obviously he was not like this before, obviously he is such a gentle person, why now he wants to hurt himself in this way, the words of rejection , over and over again...

"So... is this what you want to tell me?"

"..."

The endless silence is like a knife wiped with rust, and the cuts are bloody wounds, with dazzling red on one side, which makes people feel so painful that even the bottom of their hearts are numb.

From the moment Bo Xiyan knew his feelings for Qi Ya, he knew that he fell in love with someone who shouldn't be loved.

He also knew that this love would be very hard and painful, but he never imagined that the feeling of being rejected by the person he loves the most would be so unbearable.

Qi Ya can dislike herself, or choose not to see herself, but he can't hurt herself again and again, because he is also a human being, and he can also be hurt...

it will hurt too...

"Heh... I have something else to do. If there is nothing else, I'll go first..." Standing up, Bo Xiyan took two bags of clothes and walked out of the restaurant without looking back, leaving Duan Qiya alone. He bit his lower lip hard, and if he pressed harder, bright red blood would ooze out.

During the period of living alone in the country, Duan Qiya thought a lot and struggled for a long time.

He is neither stupid nor stupid, so a long time ago, he vaguely felt Xiaoyan's deep and good feelings that he thought he was hiding.

When he first found out, he was overjoyed and also worried. For a moment, he even wanted to tell Xiaoyan that he actually had the same mood as him, the same love, a very deep, deep love...

But in the end, he still pretended that nothing happened, while embracing Xiao Yan with the same gentleness as before, while feeling his love for him bit by bit.

He knew that Xiao Yan had a boring personality, and was surprisingly timid when dealing with feelings, so he never thought in his life that his adopted son would say such love words to him one day, and every word and every word in it One sentence made him happy, but painful.

If he is ten or 20 years younger, or if he has never met Xiao Yan's father, and has no memory of that childhood, then he may really be moved by the phrase "I love you" now. In ecstasy, he kissed him back desperately, begged him to love himself, and possessed himself deeply, but he knew that the word "if" was only used to comfort those children who couldn't see reality clearly, and in the world he lived in, There is no "if".

He is 39 years old this year, he is no longer young, and he has no edges and corners. The impulsiveness of his youth has long since been washed away by the years.What is left is reason, bondage, those insurmountable dogmas, and the promise I made a long time ago.

Although Xiaoyan is already in his 20s and has his own opinions, he has never been loved by anyone except himself since he was a child, so it is inevitable that he will transfer some emotions to himself, but he is different. He has known for a long time that he is a homosexual through and through, and he knows better than anyone that homosexuality will suffer, so no matter how much he can't bear Xiao Yan, no matter how much he loves Xiao Yan, he still can't let himself destroy him, he can only choose A reason that is too weak to stop him from sinking in this doomed bitter love...

.

"Qiya..." Seeing Qiya, Bo Xiyan stood up "chuckles" and wanted to touch him, but he didn't even dare to take a step closer...

"I'm sorry...I'm very tired...I...I'm going first." After speaking, Duan Qiya left Bo Xiyan's apartment as if fleeing, walking with a limp, a little funny, but Bo Xiyan knew that it was all because of the injury in the posterior acupoint