red dust under the lamp

Xie Yichen remained silent, and Ning Jue calmed down and explained: "I'm not complaining here, why do I always tell you these abstract things in my heart... I want to say, I am the kind of low-level person, a minority of people, without harmony Family, no upbringing, I learn everything by myself, sometimes I make mistakes all my life and I will make mistakes. Although I scold myself, you know that I am actually very proud of myself..."

"People like us are a bit like ash in the air. When you don't clean it up, you can only see it for a few minutes when you turn on the light. When the light is turned off, you can't see anything. That's how we are, sometimes , Sometimes it doesn’t exist, I live in a muddleheaded way, and I won’t always be as smart as you. When I am confused for a while, I want to lie down lazily, just let Xu Liwen love me, how many days can love me... I don't think about long-term things."

"I know you don't like me talking about myself... I just want to find a word to say about myself. Since I'm not a good person, I'm not a bad person, I'm not a bitch, and I'm not trash, so what am I? I don't Understand, I have traveled to several cities, and I can’t figure out why I am distressed, what is my identity, am I an urban refugee? Or a rural worker? If I am nothing... I don’t understand. Instead of this, I I like to say that I am cheap/good, garbage, I also know that I am a member of the bottom of society, when these words are published in the newspaper, I know that I am..."

"If I want someone to love me, and I'm pretty sure no one will love me like that, what am I after? If you tell me that the thing I'm dreaming about is a lie, I'll cry Yes... I have been here for more than ten years, and I have always lied to myself, if I didn't have this fake head--"

Ning Jue raised his eyes and looked at Xie Yichen: "There are many things that you don't want to dance in your heart. You can be a dance consultant and love your career in another way... What about me? Myself... If I didn't have so many conflicts in my heart, I wish I would never leave and be a good sister to you. The opportunity was snatched by me, and I gave it up. I can't explain myself to do this."

"I just... want someone to love me and take me into his family as a family... I don't want to hide outside and catch mice, and I don't want to keep thinking about whether adults should choose me... I want Being chosen unconditionally, I don’t want to worry about these things so I can sleep at home without wandering anywhere, I don’t want so many cities across the country to come, no place is my home!”

"But I—know what you said is right—I know that Xu Liwen's love is unreliable. But I don't have this, what else do I have?"

"You said there are many people who love me, where are they? Are they going to take care of my Boss Kong or you Xie Yichen?"

Ning Jue said a lot in one breath, and just as she finished speaking, she realized that the invisible person really turned her heart out and made her utter all the truth—the secret, the truth that she had never told anyone before. idea.

She hated that she was not strong enough to pour out her fragility, and blinked back the tears she was about to shed.

Somewhat at a loss, I wanted to take back the words and swallowed them back to my stomach, chewing them up, and I will never reveal them in my life.But it's hard to get over the water, Xie Yichen has already understood, put on his crutches and walked towards her.

Ning Jue couldn't face it, she wanted to open the door and escape, far away.

She was about to flee from here.

But she has always been... the one who seizes opportunities firmly.

The brain has not reacted yet, but the body instinctively blocked her escape. Where is the opportunity?Before she knew it, she had already grabbed hold of it eagerly and asked Xie Yichen to choose her.

"I'm jealous of Jiang Wang... You don't love him, he doesn't love you, you can still get married, he wrote a poem hypocritically, and you are so happy to stand up and write a reply. I'm afraid I hope more enthusiastically than your aunt You stand up, I believe that you are the only white lady more than you do, but I have no place, standing here and being preached by you, you can criticize me condescendingly, critics, criticize—— It's shameless to do everything. I'm going to reconcile with Xu Liwen today, so you can criticize."

She quickly grabbed the white, but instead scolded Xie Yichen.

Why do you start criticizing each other?What did Xie Yichen do wrong?Why is she feeling resentful?All kinds of depression intertwined and covered her limbs and bones.She was trembling, she wanted to cry when she held her breath, she shed tears when she blinked—what was she trying to express?Why is she talking so incoherently... She felt a little resentful towards Yichen, but she didn't want to do this. Her heart was bound by itself, as if some great emotion had been bred from it.

Xie Yichen stared at her: "You want me to be jealous of Xu Liwen too? Because I don't love Jiang Wang and married him, you come to revenge me, want to reconcile with Xu Liwen who I don't love, and want me to be jealous?"

Ning Jue didn't admit it: "I didn't say that...we have to quarrel like this because of a man? You are still a sister, how can you be so embarrassing?"

What?How did you start talking about this?Why is Xie Yichen not as calm as usual?

"That's what you mean, Ning Jue, you are so jealous, you want me to taste it. Okay, I'm jealous of Xu Liwen, you go and reconcile with him, even if you become unrecognizable, it has nothing to do with me. You You must turn the normal healthy love into this twisted thing, into jealousy, I have to kill someone with a knife, tell you, I am jealous, can you see that I care about you?"

Ning Jue didn't understand. She felt that what Xie Yichen said was right, but at the same time she thought it was wrong, but something terrible broke out of the shell and was conceived. She almost saw what it was, because she suppressed it for a long time...

She became frightened: "I... It's good to understand you, I don't understand... Am I going to extremes?"

Clenching her fists, she was extremely sensitive to emotions, and realized the weirdness of the present before Xie Yichen.

From what standpoint did they say this to each other?

Why did she...why did she resist telling Xie Yichen about herself and Xu Liwen at first, but now she said it again, as if she was begging for something.

What the hell did she say?What did you say in self-pity?

So Qianbai: "I don't understand, Xie Yichen. When I was jealous, didn't you understand? But what position do I have to be jealous? Even if I'm jealous and I say it, so what? Can I throw it away?" Is Jiang Wang monopolizing you?"

"Why not?" Xie Yichen said.

Ning Jue was taken aback for a moment, and after understanding the meaning of Xie Yichen's words, his face suddenly turned pale.

Why can't Xie Yichen monopolize her?Ning Jue was taken aback by what she said, why...why did she want to monopolize Xie Yichen?Xie Yichen, a real girl, is her friend, a friend who is completely different from street gangsters, why should she monopolize it?

But then, Xie Yichen stepped on her fear, and Xie Yichen asked her why she couldn't.

Xie Yichen wants her to monopolize her?Exclusive?No, not literally...

"you like me?"

The gestating creature crawled out from the heart, lingering around the limbs and bones. It drew blood from the heart to paint Ning Jue's anger, ignorance, love and hatred. ... love.

She also likes Xie Yichen, her jealousy, her hiding, her longing... everything is understood.

Immediately, she was overwhelmed by despair.

So she was the kind of person he had ridiculed?The kind of... homosexuality that Little Park flirts with?The kind that is used as a joke, squinting with eyes amidst the laughter, as a pastime after dinner, passing by without seeing them, like watching snakes, insects, rats and ants...

But she is a snake or a worm, a rat or an ant, and she needs to be driven away with disinfectant and hide in the gutter.

The source of her constant pain and escape is because of this kind of...love that she is unwilling to accept.

How could she fall in love with Xie Yichen who believed in her like that?

And now, Xie Yichen likes her?

Xie Yichen's crutch made a rhythmless crisp sound on the ground.

"Yes. I don't want to say it."

Ning Jue tried to open her mouth, but couldn't say a word.

"But now, when it comes to this, I can only admit it. But Ning Jue, pay attention to the cause of this matter, because you have to promise Xu Liwen, I don't want you to change yourself into another kind of love for the so-called love." look."

"If you insist on thinking that Xu Liwen's kind of love, that kind of...men's love is what you want, then I have nothing to say."

"I'm angry with you, but I have no position. I'm the dust in the air you said. When there is light, it comes out. When the light is off, the dust is still floating, but you won't notice. If I don't love you, people like you will never notice that there is such a group of people who are born to only like people of the same gender as themselves, and among them is me, how normal I am - I am not normal, to cover up Abnormal, I can only marry someone who is also abnormal, to the outside world, both of us are normal. If I like women, but I am not a man, what am I?"

Xie Yichen looked sad.

Ning Jue curled up to the entrance, put her fingers on the handle, ready to flee at any time.

"Don't push me."

"Do you think I have no heart? I just can't say it. If you say it, everything is over. You will turn your head away from me, a pervert, and get into Xu Liwen's arms. Even if he hits you, even if he hasn't looked for you for two and a half years, as long as you When he opens his mouth and says he loves you, you will think about him—I never say it, not because I don’t care, because I can’t.”

The crutches were left at his feet, Xie Yichen folded his arms and stared at Ning Jue who was about to flee immediately with his face tilted.

"What's wrong with me? I don't want to say this, I just want to say, you have gone astray, you want someone to love you, but you don't know what love is... Aunt loves you very much, uncle loves you very much, and Aunt Shu also loves you very much." I love you very much, even though you ran away again and again, we still miss you. But you only want that kind of, the so-called... one and only, unyielding love, so let me ask you, doesn't Xu Liwen love his mother? In this way, isn’t there no one at all? What do you want me to say?”

Ning Jue was confused, a certain person loved her clearly, even though she ran away repeatedly, even if her character was not good, even if she had a bad personality.The last time I heard it, it was Xu Liwen who told her. Now, does she want to choose?

Xu Liwen, or Xie Yichen?

No...she's not that kind of person, she passed by the park on Thursday night, heard the laughter of the group of "perverts" inside, and specially asked some jokes and made up stories to laugh at them-as for those hidden women, She even had an extremely exaggerated imagination, as if that kind of women are all tomboys, smoking cigarettes and wearing men's underwear, all kinds of her own imaginations are so funny that Xie Yichen talks nonsense.

What was Xie Yichen's mood when he heard these things at that time?

One day, he himself will become the protagonist being ridiculed?All the unbearable words should be on yourself?

Xie Yichen knows...does he love her too?But Ning Jue couldn't say it no matter what, what would happen if he said it?There is no going back.

Besides, she couldn't accept it either.

"Stop talking." She lowered her head, wanting to leave—but the long-suppressed, persistent and complicated emotions in her heart made her stop and face it. It's only three things, so what's the point of running away?

So, she faced Xie Yichen with a determined expression, she thought, what would happen to Xie Yichen if he took the door away?Self-pity?Still angry with her, never willing to forgive her in this life, from now on the fate is over, can never meet again by chance, even if met is an embarrassing enemy, can't say a few words?

But my heart lightened up, as if I had suddenly crossed to the other shore.

It seems to see the gushing waterfall of the mountain stream.

The jealousy that has been suppressed for a long time... the love that has been suppressed for a long time... is pouring down uncontrollably.

Ning Jue's mind was wet, and she looked down at her hands uneasily, recalling the clumsy questions and clumsy words she asked today, not at her level, but because she was disturbed by emotions.

She asked her heart why it was so.

"Just pretend... nothing happened. About Xu Liwen... I'll think about it again. Okay?" She asked, turned around and closed the door.

Can't escape, can't escape, she endured the thought of avoiding, looking at the darkening sky: "Jiang Wang won't come back tonight?"

Xie Yichen hummed.

They sat in silence.

Xie Yichen leaned against the other side of the sofa, sitting very distantly, with his arms folded and half of his back facing her.

She suddenly remembered the back view she left for Xu Liwen in the rental house in Haijing—it turned out to be this kind of feeling, it was the gushing desire that stirred the internal organs, as if picking off a cloud to ride on, but only the heart beat by itself Float up.

Why is this happening?

She...wasn't born to like people of the same sex...or rather, she didn't know how to like people from birth.

Reject this relationship subconsciously, without hesitation.

But the other party is Xie Yichen...

The shackles in my heart are crumbling.

She stretched out her hand with difficulty, and pulled the clothes on Xie Yichen's shoulders.

Xie Yichen's shoulders suddenly slumped, and he sighed with some depression: "Sorry."

no answer.

After that, there is no way out, and it cannot be treated as "nothing happened".

Ning Jue wanted to hide, so she would not be wrapped up in short-term, delicate desires and forget about long-term plans.