Can't cross by oneself

42.

I got a call.

It was as if my body was helping me go to work, eat, and sleep.And the only thing my consciousness does is answer the phone.

It's from the hospital.

Mom lung cancer.Not much time.

My heart throbbed with pain, as if I had been hit so hard that it almost made me die of pain.Immediately the pain disappeared.My body took control again.I can't feel anything anymore.My consciousness was under a spell, sleeping at the bottom of the valley.

My favorite means of transportation is the train, watching the trees and people flying behind me outside the window.Smooth and straight like an endless road, the road everyone must walk on.Nothing to think about, no memories and no future.The future is the destined way.

I have always wanted to take the Qinghai-Tibet Line and go to the highest place in the world.

I always feel that there is something to be found there.

Mom was unconscious on the hospital bed.It was too late to clean up my emotions, and I was forced to run back and forth in various departments like a spinning top, and paid various fees like a puppet before I was able to catch my breath and sit in front of my mother's bed.

late.The doctor gave the death sentence directly.

I'm on the phone from outside the ward.My consciousness seemed to come back.

dad.

Little Su?

Are you free to come over?

I......

Mom is sick.

He was silent for a while.

How much money do you need?

how much can you give

I will call you [-] tomorrow.

it is good.

You... take good care of her.

Ok.

I was the first to cut off the phone. 26 seconds.

Consciousness hasn't gone yet.My tears flowed down uncontrollably.

43.

Mr. Xia wanted to see me, but I refused.

You are so busy with work, don't come here.I can handle it.

But I don't worry about you being there alone.

Don't worry, I'm already this old.

Baby, you're more fragile than you think.

I choke.

You are not me, how do you know.

In this world, I know you best.

Then you should know I can get through it.I'll call you when I'm tired.

I worry about you.

obedient.

All right.I'll go as soon as I'm free.

Row.

Mom looked at me with a smile.

Is it your friend?

Um.University classmates.

I am also relieved to see you like this.

Don't worry about what?

It's better to have friends than to be alone.

Don't worry about me, take care of yourself is the business.

I am so old, I will leave sooner or later.The grandson couldn't see it anymore, so he wanted to see his wife before leaving.

Mom used a joking tone, and I heard it was serious.

Sooner or later there will be a daughter-in-law, but there is only one mother.

I've never seen you talk like this before.

44.

My parents divorced when I was four years old.He has a new family with a son who is nine years younger than me.

There's no love or hate for him.I can feel the blood relationship between each other, and this blood relationship prevents us from being passers-by.

I will be flattered by his kindness to me, and I will plan in my heart so that I can return it to him in the future.

As for mother, it is not considered to be owed or repaid, but it should be taken for granted.

I have no money.I will not refuse the money that my father calls me.If he doesn't come, I'm just afraid that Mom will be sad.She is so lonely.

He and I are destined not to be father and son.

45.

After working in the company, I came to the hospital.

Mom always sat alone on the hospital bed, no one came to visit, and she didn't communicate with the people around her.Only when I come, she will smile and talk.

We are both the same.

Survive in the invisible corners of society.

Not really contributing to society, just doing what we can and making a living out of it.

Without much contact, on the edge of the world, as if we were born that way.

If the world wasn't like this, humans weren't structured as societies.Trees are trees, not greenery, not gardens.Water is water, a car is a pile of steel, and clothes are a body covering.All things return to their true nature.Can we make it simpler then?

Human beings are human beings.Isn't it more direct to eat, sleep and reproduce to make a living than to make a living in society?

Fugui in "Alive", in the eyes of others, his existence is a kind of survival.As for himself, there is no such thing as survival, just life.Living in a scrambling way.

Is my mother and I a life?

Without Mr. Xia, I would be living.

Without me, Mom is also surviving.

This may be why society exists.

46.

Mr. Xia still didn't come.

He works day and night.Those around him were as drained of energy and drive as he was.Of course, the salary is more than twice as high as mine.

He began to plan how the company would develop in five years, whether he could buy a house before the age of 30, and so on.

I feel like I haven't seen him for a long, long time.

It seemed like we would never be together again.Farewell since graduation.

Passionate since ancient times hurt parting.

I am not hurt.It just doesn't matter.Nothing matters.I don't care if you come or not.

47.

Xiao Su, you have lost a lot of weight.

Have it?

Sigh~ You were so quiet in college, you didn't know how to find someone when something happened.

uhmm...

Brother will help you if you are short of money.

Fortunately, there is no shortage for the time being.

You make me feel that my classmate is such a failure.

Nothing.It is enough for you to come and see me.

Don't have any other relatives?

distant relatives.

ah~

Yuan Zi's sigh made me feel uncomfortable.I hate being treated like this, being pitied, being watched, and being told about me.Even knowing it was good intentions.

After sending Yuan Zi away, he saw Mr. Xia in the ward.A tall man, smiling, chatting with his mother, very kind.

Just seeing his face brings my mind back.

Familiar faces, familiar smiles, what is different.There was a strange feeling, as if I was touching his face through time.

He looked back at me with a gleam in his eyes.

little su...

48.

We went to my house, which was our rental house half a year ago.

For some unknown reason, I never moved out, and I was struggling to bear the rent.

I couldn't help holding him.From the first time I saw him.

Mr. Xia...

Don't call it that.

We are the closest people, but we use the strangest names.

I miss you so much.

It's the first time I say something like this.I didn't find myself shaking.

Emotions that have been suppressed for a long time all spewed out.

It turns out that you took a part of me, including the part about you.Only when you come back can I live and love you again.

49.

just like before.I cook in the small kitchen, and Mr. Xia reads materials on the bed in the bedroom.We don't have a living room.The fan of the range hood blows a little cold, and the air conditioner is still broken and has not been repaired.

The dust swirling in the air was somewhat dense under the sunlight.It's the taste of home.

Suddenly I remembered what Margaret said: I am in bed, and the rice is in the pot.

How are you doing over there?

Still busy.

Oh.

Xiao Su, come with me.

I fiddled with braised crucian carp.

I mean with Auntie.I will find a solution for your work.

no need.

why?

No need, just leave it at that.

why!

There is no reason.

His fingertips were blue, showing an expression he had never had before.Serious, cold.

We were silent for a long time.

50.

Our greatest fear is ourselves.I don't know what I'm thinking, what I want.

I am cold and cold.

Wrap yourself in the dark world.

Mr. Xia came and went.Looking at me with that complicated, sad, unwilling expression.

My heart aches numbly.

Mom's health is getting worse and worse. I want to find someone to accompany her and take care of her, but there is none.

I couldn't afford to hire a nurse and had no one to be around all the time.

I dare not get tired.

one night.For some reason, I suddenly felt uncomfortable.Tears splashed down the ground.

In fact, tears are silent.I cried without sound.

It was as if I woke up all of a sudden.I regret and hate myself for being like this.What am I doing!What am I begging for!

Mr. Xia...