Can't cross by oneself

51.

Mom was coughing so badly that the phlegm was bloody, and she almost coughed up all the lobes of her lungs.The air in the ward was extremely cloudy, and there was an almost deathly atmosphere spreading.

She was so emaciated that only a handful of bones remained.I was startled.

In fact, when I think about it later, my mother seems to have been coughing for a long time, the kitchen, the courtyard, the bedroom... in all the gaps in my memory.It's like a piece of film is enlarged, but I have long been accustomed to such a coughing sound as background music, as if she should make such a sound.

It turns out that I have become so blunt without knowing it.

I didn't hide her illness, I just told her so.I hugged her and cried.I am used to the fact that there is a person behind me who bears a lot of burdens for me, so much so that I have already forgotten.too used to it.If mom is not here, I really have nothing.

Junior high school, high school, university, I have come here in such a muddle.Grades are neither high nor low, thinking about nothing, almost blindly following the tide.Not to be left behind, not to be found, not to be pushed out.

It turns out that I have been living in my own world.

We talked a lot, and I couldn't imagine that Mom could talk so much.Can't imagine how she was when she was young.

Her youth, her love, her dreams, she smiled and told stories that would disappear if she didn't tell them.

Just don't say that she as a mother.

I saw her withering day by day.It was as if some power pulled life out of her body like a cocoon.She was old, wrinkled, and chaotic.It was as if death had been magnified for me, cruelly forcing us to feel its horror.

I'm still like this, let alone my mother.

No return.

She never stopped loving me.

52.

Mr. Xia hasn't called for half a month.

The medical bills and hospital bills were getting heavier and heavier. I stayed in front of the hospital bed all night, and my mood became heavier and heavier as the blue around the eye sockets sank.Even in the usual afternoon nap, I have all kinds of bizarre dreams, and when I wake up, I forget everything.

Mom looked at me distressedly and told me to go back and rest.I comforted her as gently as I could.

Two distant relatives came, a couple from another city, older than mother, I didn't know each other.Mom has regained some energy.He took my hand and asked me to call my second uncle and second aunt, saying that I often went to visit when I was young, and so on.

They talked for a long time, about work, family, children, and more about the past.I couldn't get in the conversation, and I couldn't leave, because they all gave me a concerned look or two from time to time.

Second uncle secretly slipped me an envelope.

Xiao Su, we can't help you, you take this as a gift to your mother.

I didn't want to accept it at first, but I had a strange feeling watching him.It is clearly a picture of a strange and unconnected person, yet has an indistinct connection with me.He was helpless, hesitant to talk, his face wrinkled by life.The chaotic eyes were filled with hope.

I took it silently.Thank you in a low voice.

He seemed relieved and looked at me more kindly.

They came and went, and Ma calmed down.

53.

Xiao Su, how long can I live?

It could be months.

After I'm gone, remember to find a nice girl to show me.

Mom~ I...don't want you to go.

I often think, what am I doing in this world.Left nothing but you.In this life, I have suffered all kinds of hardships, and I have seen wind and rain.If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have waited until now to leave.

Mom, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.I don't want you to be prosperous, and you will be tired if you stand tall and live.I just want you to live a good life without disease or disaster.

Ok.

I'm useless, and it's unreliable to find a man. I didn't give you a happy family.And you are naturally thoughtful, mother can see that you have rarely been happy since you were young.I just hope that you will have a complete and happy family in the future.

it is good.

When people are about to die, they can't help nagging.Don't be annoyed by Mom.

No, you say, I listen.

When I die, don't hold a funeral. Funerals are for the living, not for me.Just dig a grave on the high slope behind the pond in our hometown and bury it.

mom......

Mom has been like this all her life.No one remembers while alive, let alone after death.Luckily there's you.otherwise......

Mom is crying.It is tears, not crying.

The words were accompanied by countless coughs, like last words.

I was sobbing.

54.

During this time, no one came to bother me except the Grim Reaper.

Before life, I thought a lot.

An invisible force walks and flows between us.It sucked my mother's life and my vitality.

I feel more and more powerless.Watching my mother die with my own eyes, anxiety, panic, boiling...

His internal organs were twisted and he couldn't take care of himself.

55.

Seeing her speechless, she was inserted into various tubes.like some kind of animal.

Animals have their own consciousness, but they cannot use language.What a sad fact.

I learned to smoke.In the sleepless darkness, in the corner of the company, in the toilet of the hospital.Smoking tobacco.

Insomnia all night.Just sitting in front of my mother's hospital bed, facing the darkness, without making a sound.

Sometimes she was awake and looked at me with eyes that were almost pity, as if I was the one who deserved sympathy.Sometimes she is lethargic and haggard, and a layer of skin can be pulled out of the transparent back of her hand.

More often it is pain.Inextricable.

It is unimaginable that a thin woman can make such a voice, like a monster imprisoned in the deep valley for thousands of years, like a twisted ghost behind the night.Such a shrill, sharp and terrifying voice.

I covered my ears and wept silently.This cry echoed in my mind all day.

I even thought, why am I still alive like this? Is this still alive.

Why shouldn't Mom live with dignity.

56.

I almost forgot Mr. Xia.My consciousness allows me to only accept what is happening in front of me, and what is hidden cannot be mobilized.

I received his call and reacted for a while.The memory is mobilized in the mind, and the emotion is mobilized in the heart.

His voice came through the microphone through the years.I didn't know what year and month this year was, and I felt like I was in a trance after a lifetime.Only then did I realize that we hadn't been in touch for a long time.

summer?

I'm a little unsure.I seemed to hear my own voice for the first time in days, and I was startled by the hoarseness.

Xiao Su, are you okay?

I want to say "it's okay", but I'm not.If it was Mr. Xia, his first sentence should not be like this.He will definitely say, baby, you have no conscience, you haven't called me for so long.

Are you OK.

Ok.

I am sorry.

what happened?

I should see you.

Nothing.

silence.He exploded.

Sue, can you tell me well!

I bit my lip subconsciously, the feeling of lack of oxygen hit me.

what?

In the end what you want?

I do not know.

Then what do you want me to do!

Mr. Xia...

Don't call me that!Have you never thought about being with me forever.

No.

Then why are you!Why!What on earth do you want!

I have never seen Mr. Xia so out of control.He even said a few why.

There are so many problems in the world, I don’t even know myself, how can I answer you.

I want you.

He fell silent for a moment.