Free

"I didn't say this to make you uncomfortable. I didn't say it before, nor did I want to hide it deliberately."

The strong wind blew randomly in the ruins, and the basketball hoop was rattled by the rolled up sand and stones.Zuo Yan touched his cold face: "It's too cold here, let's go back to the car first."

Si Ji was in a daze when he was walking, staggering when he was knocked down by the black and red bricks on the ground.Zuo Yan sat in the back seat with him, half encircling his body.The intimate atmosphere cut off the wind from outside, Si Ji raised his eyes to look at him from time to time, his lips opened and closed.

But I couldn't squeeze out a single word.

"Ask whatever you want, it's okay." Zuo Yan said.

The appearance of Tao Yi'an in the photo appeared in front of his eyes.Tall, with small dimples, and a wanton expression. "At that time, what happened?"

"It's robbery and murder."

After bullying Zuo Yan for more than a year, there is still no progress emotionally.Seeing that he couldn't hold it any longer, Tao Yi'an came up with a bad move: help Zuo Yan come out of the closet.He plans to stop Zuo's mother who is off the night shift while Zuo Yan is working, and tell her that her son is gay.He wanted to use this method to make Zuo Yan face their relationship. Even if he couldn't succeed, he could still make Zuo Yan suffer a lot.

Children of that age don't think too far and too deeply.He revealed the plan to Yu Yue, and Yu Yue wanted to watch the excitement, so he followed him to the street in the middle of the night.However, when he finally saw Mama Zuo, Tao Yi'an faltered. He scratched his head and yelled that he was most afraid of seeing a woman cry.Yu Yue was annoyed when he heard that, and said that you don't like me because I don't like to cry?I'm fucking crying for you right now!

The two were making noise on this side of the street, but two sneaky men followed Zuo Mama quietly.Tao Yi'an observed for a while, then threw off Yu Yue and chased after him.The other party brought a knife. At the corner of an alley, Zuo Yan's mother was stabbed through the lung. Tao Yi'an could have run away, but he kept protecting her, lying on top of her, protecting her tightly.

He was hacked alive.

"The police said it was robbery and murder. I don't believe it. But no matter how much I think about it, I can't do anything with me at that time."

His father's death was the first street homicide two years later.String together.

Si Ji remembered what Zuo Yan said in the hotel.The death of a loved one is not terrible, what is more terrible is what they leave behind.Bad things make you worse, good things are just memories.

He fully understood what the so-called "bad" meant.

"I read a sentence," Zuo Yan grabbed his fingers and put them in his palm, counting them one by one, "everyone has a container to hold 'love', if this container is not full in childhood, then this People will long for love all their lives, but they can't get it. No one can save you or protect you."

"I guess, that's what I was in high school. I felt like I wasn't important to anyone, yearning for something and not believing I could have it."

Si Jihui held his hand: "So you have been rejecting Tao Yi'an."

"When I was young, I also had fantasies. I thought that there was someone who could belong to me, and I lived with laughter every day. But when I think about it, it is impossible to live by this."

Weave a beautiful story and forget about it before you wake up the next day.All the past events are resolved in a sentence or two of understatement.When I went to the riverside for a field battle, I mentioned watching the sunrise, and when I was asked about Tao Yi'an, I mentioned it without hesitation the first time.Maybe Zuo Yan has said it to others, but no one has ever thought about it more deeply.Even himself.

And in the milk tea shop, Zuo Yan said that it is too easy to lose something.The unspoken pause after mentioning his parents may be Zuo Ye, Tao Yi'an, or more tangible and intangible things that he hasn't figured out yet.

Memory will always be stuck somewhere to protect itself.

"I really didn't want to talk about feelings at that time. I hated Tao Yi'an, and cursed him to die when I was the most annoying." Zuo Yan closed his eyes tightly and opened them again, "I don't believe Yu Yue's words at all, even if my mother Lying in the intensive care unit. Until the news hit the newspapers. The reporter described the scene in detail, and things blew up for a while and were quickly forgotten."

Those who stayed in place were only those who were left behind.

"Then did you ever like him?" Si Ji asked.

I'm afraid Tao Yi'an never thought that this chase would end in death.

Zuo Yan was silent for a long time.

It wasn't until Si Ji thought he couldn't get an answer that he whispered

"No. Not in time."

Si Ji fell into the distress he couldn't express. He said, "Old Zuo, how did you survive that time?"

As if being asked this question for the first time, Zuo Yan held his forehead and covered his eyes: "It can't be called suffering. It's not that I haven't encountered this kind of thing before, I'm used to it. Not to mention there are so many things We have to think about where to get money to pay for my mother's medical expenses, how to send her to the funeral home after she dies, where to bury her ashes after cremation... how to earn the tuition and food expenses for the next semester, and whether I should continue Studying... time flies so fast, where is the time to think about living?"

His tone was confused.

Si Ji clenched the corner of his clothes, reaching out his hand to cover his mouth.

"I didn't tell you before, I really didn't want to hide it." Zuo Yan tilted his head, avoiding his eyes, "I'm just afraid... I'm just such a person, hard-hearted and timid, I don't even know what to do when I celebrate my birthday. What wish..."

The result of having nothing is wanting nothing.

He choked up, and there was something flickering in the corner of his eye.Turning his face away, it took a long time to turn around and look at Si Ji with red eyes.His hands became cold and trembling, and his eyes were as timid as a child's.

"I like you, it seems to be fine now... No, maybe not even now... You didn't smile much today... I am a person who can be capricious and give up suddenly, I... "

"What are you talking about?" Si Ji hugged him like a child, holding his head in his arms: "Don't be afraid, really not, I will protect you from now on.

"You are very good. Even if you are really bad, I still like you. Because you are Zuo Yan."

——Si Ji's long-standing confusion has reached its peak today.Facing Zuo Yan, he felt that he was useless.Knowing so much, he was also afraid, afraid that he would not have the ability to pull him back from the abyss and show him that there is light under the sun besides shadows.Sometimes Zuo Yan looked at him like Zuo Ye looked at Ozawa, eager to draw strength from him.He worked hard to give, but he never knew if he had given enough.

But at this moment he was relieved.

He just needs to give Zuo Yan his love.