the other side of the fireworks

Xia Fengshu was in a daze in front of the cash register, it was almost ten o'clock, and there were scattered customers in the supermarket.She is waiting, she has been waiting these days, waiting for Xu An to come.

God knows how I met her in the bookstore, God knows how I met her again after get off work, just for that little overtime pay, she helped someone half the shift, and the chaotic mood at the moment cannot be calmed down by overtime pay.

Xia Fengshu didn't ignore her, but he didn't know how to.A few months apart, as short as it happened yesterday.

From the time the girl named Xu An walked into the dormitory, she fell into it.Xu An looks strong, as if nothing will irritate her, this kind of strength is only available to those who are confident enough, her eyes are kind and gentle, as if she wants to be friends with the whole world.Xia Fengshu was shrouded in a feeling of light, and she even felt that Xu An was the one who came to save her downcast life.

Beautiful people are often easy to fall in love with secretly, because they are so beautiful that no one cares about them, they are so unattainable, and no one can understand their preferences, and they can't see their fragility under the cover of beauty.Xia Fengshu claims to be a person with low self-esteem.Poverty has taken away many of her teenage dreams. She always remembers what her mother said, we are too poor to afford new clothes, and we are too poor to be clean.Her clothes must be washed every day, and there is no room for dust and stains.She doesn't want others to notice that she is poor, but the word "poor" is written on her cheap clothes, shoes, and underwear.She has no material enjoyment, no matter how hungry she is, she will never envy other people's food, no matter how difficult she is, she will never wait for help from others.

Xu An talked to her and asked her if she wanted to eat. She wanted to eat, but said no coldly. She hated sharing Xu An's food with other classmates. She felt that she should be different. Xu An The giving should be exclusive.She saw Xu An reading a love letter, so jealous that she couldn't help but say a word to Xu An, Xu An was stunned, at that moment Xia Fengshu ran away, and she ran away in a very calm way, she knew that she was Send a very special signal.Xu An may be able to become good friends with her, but not to the extent she wants. She likes the same sex, and Xu An likes the opposite sex.

This is also an important reason why Xia Fengshu rejects the formation of her personality. She thought she was different from a long time ago. She hates men, and only women can make her heart flutter.This may have something to do with her hating her father since she was a child. The father who drank and lay on the street wet his pants, punched his mother, and slapped himself to the corner of his eye to bleed.Speaking of his father's evil deeds, only bystanders can tell clearly, because Xia Fengshu and his mother would tremble all over when they mentioned him, there was shock, fear, and hatred.Before his father got married, he was also a handsome man. He was a very prominent young man in the forest farm, so his mother married him.After marriage, my mother discovered that my father liked to drink, and people working in the forestry farm always found a small restaurant to eat and drink in groups.His mother objected to his drinking, which would eat up the family income which was not well-off, and the conflict broke out from here, because of the alcohol, the two always quarreled.After Xia Fengshu was born, the stalemate relationship between husband and wife changed, and the father gained the upper hand. He was the only son in the family, and he was a single heir for four generations. It was a sin to have a daughter.The name Xia Fengshu was chosen by her mother. No one in the Xia family wanted to name the girl. Mother Xia said that when she gave birth to Xia Fengshu, she dreamed of eating hot dumplings under a maple tree. That maple tree is so beautiful. , the leaves are fiery red, each with five corners.When she had this sweet dream, she must have never imagined what kind of disaster this child would bring her.

Xia Fengshu's father drank more and more alcohol, and after drinking, he regretted not taking Xia Fengshu's mother to take a B-ultrasound. If she is a girl, she should do it.Sometimes he would complain about Xia Fengshu's grandma. She asked so many fortune tellers to show her, and they all said that she was a son, so why did she become a daughter.Xia Fengshu's grandparents were always on the side of their sons. When their sons and daughters-in-law fought, the daughters-in-law asked them to comment. What kind of face to talk, endlessly, you and our old Xia family are interesting enough.After hearing these words, Xia Fengshu's mother never went to the door of her in-laws again.Life can't go on anymore, Xia Fengshu's father is arguing for divorce every day, after a long time of quarreling, mother doesn't care about face, just leave!The natal family also agreed.But then found out she was pregnant.Xia Fengshu's father changed his sex again and begged his mother to give birth to the child. The father-in-law and mother-in-law said that as long as it was a grandson, they would give birth to the child even after selling the house.After more than five months, the entrusted person took a B-ultrasound and confirmed that it was a boy. The family was overjoyed.Xia Fengshu's mother enjoyed the only time of being pampered after marriage.Xia Fengshu's younger brother Xia Zuguang was taken away by his grandparents to raise him after he was born, and he refused to drink milk if he had breast milk, saying that such a child is strong.Xia's family's economic conditions were not very good, and Xia Zuguang was fined 1 yuan for giving birth, and Xia Fengshu's father had his salary reduced by three levels.This did not affect the happiness of Xia's family at all. When paying the 1 yuan fine, Xia Fengshu's grandmother actually said that Xia Fengshu's mother was a debt collector. If she had a son for the first time, how could she be fined so much.

That year, Xia Fengshu was three years old.

In the childhood of the forest farm, Xia Fengshu always wore the skirt her mother sewed, and ran in the forest to pick mushrooms.Maybe this scene is romantic to imagine, but only Xia Fengshu will know how sleepy it is.She wants to sit in a small shop and eat a popsicle like her younger brother. She can't eat a popsicle once a year.My mother has no job, and my mother can't get my father's salary. Besides the heavy housework, my mother will take Xia Fengshu into the mountains to pick some mushrooms and sell them.The money was used to pay Xia Fengshu's pocket expenses, and his mother secretly saved some, because Xia Fengshu was going to school soon.Xia Fengshu had never been to kindergarten. Before entering elementary school, her mother taught her a few words. After school, she became the youngest in the class. Without the foundation of preschool, it took her two full years to become a middle school student.Xia Fengshu, who is in the fifth and sixth grades, is already slim and her grades are booming. More and more teachers and classmates start to like her, but she is still not welcome at home, and her younger brother Xia Zuguang has been spoiled.One day, Xia Zuguang scolded Xia Fengshu, using extremely dirty words, obviously he was taught by his father's words and deeds.His mother immediately slapped Xia Zuguang. This was the first time his mother had slapped him, and it was also the first time Xia Zuguang had been beaten.That night, my father gave my mother an old punch in front of the whole family, and my mother ran out covering her face. Xia Fengshu chased her mother and ran to the back mountain. , let's go, leave this house."

Mother wiped away her tears and said: "Mom can't go, Mom has to take care of your brother."

Xia Fengshu's heart was cut in half by a knife, and she found that the mother's love she got was only half. She thought that her mother put all the love on her, and that was the only love she could get in this world.The mother is still lamenting, what will happen to my brother if he gets used to it like this.In Xia Fengshu's heart, he yearned for 100% of what he learned in math class.Will there be a person in this world who loves me 100%?A love that doesn't split a tiny bit.

The mother was still fighting for Xia Fengshu's fate. In order to go to middle school, the mother began to work in a small restaurant. During this time, the mother and daughter began to leave the family. After buying a house, it is the same as her college model, earning money, paying tuition fees, and accompanying students, but this kind of accompanying education is helpless.The mother was thinking about another child in the family, and she had to use her meager income to support a high school student who was about to take the university entrance exam. Xia Fengshu's grades were neither high nor low, fluctuating up and down.The mother understands her daughter, a daughter who always abandons herself in her bones, the more she doesn't complain about life, the more she gives up on life.What mother said about the hardships had little effect. Indeed, hardships had long been integrated into Xia Fengshu's life, and she faced them with a life attitude of giving up.My mother said that you can't get into a good university, and I won't let you continue your studies.At that time, you are on your own!I have to go home to take care of your brother.These words worked, Xia Fengshu woke up from the girl's rebellion, she began to obey her mother's love, longing to leave this cage-like hometown, and move towards the prosperity of her dream.

At that time, she tried to write things, to write about herself in her dreams, not to be burdened by food and clothing, to express her thoughts freely, to always get what she wanted, and to get countless loves.During this period, Xia Fengshu had a crush on that girl, a girl with dark complexion and a strong back. At first, she didn't think of anything other than friendship, but just tried to get close to her. The other girl was whispering, and then they kissed, it was Xia Fengshu who saw real people kissing outside the TV, she covered her mouth, stood there with weak knees until they let go, and then her crush started touching the girl Xia Fengcun stumbled back to the self-study room, and for several days in a row, it was the same situation in front of him.Immersed in this throbbing, Xia Fengshu began to yearn for something. One day, she kissed her crush in a dream, and the next morning, she ran into her at the school gate.She walked towards herself and whispered in her ear: "Is that you in the grove that day?"

Xia Fengshu quickened his pace, and the other party said, "Have you told anyone else?"

Xia Fengshu walked faster, and the other party said, "Are you interested in me?"

"No." Xia Fengshu's heels were shaking.

"If it's interesting, I'll wait for you in the grove tonight. If not, don't talk nonsense with others, understand?" Xia Fengshu stared at her stupidly, and she said: "You are very beautiful, but you are too pure. Please stay away from me."

"You like demons?"

"It's all for fun, you can't find someone who is too serious."

"I didn't want to play with you, what's so fun about it."

"Study hard and get into a good university. With your face, you will definitely find a rich young master in the future."

"What about you? You don't want to get married anymore?"

"I don't know. I can't stand men. If I can stand it one day, I'll get married."

"I hate men too." Xia Fengshu said firmly, "But I don't like you either, so stop being sentimental."

Xia Fengshu really ignored her, even if she came to strike up a conversation, she didn't care, she enjoyed the pleasure of rejection.She felt that the other party was not good enough for her, and Xia Fengshu felt uncomfortable when she thought of their intimate scenes.Thinking about her appearance, she is really not outstanding, her feet are too big, her frame is thick, and the hair on her lips is very heavy, like a boy in a voice-changing period.If I like women, I also like women who are as beautiful as myself.Xia Fengshu secretly set the standard and implemented it until he met Xu An.

During this period, she put aside all the pursuits of boys, and her aversion to men grew day by day.Once, in the school corridor, four boys walked towards each other, laughing and walking in a horizontal row. When they came near Xia Fengshu, they started arguing. A tall and thin boy was pushed towards Xia Fengshu. Xia Fengshu was caught off guard and was hit. When she reached the wall, at that moment, she felt a hard object hit her waist. It felt very special. Looking at the other person's height, Xia Fengshu realized what it was that hit her.The boy was also blushing, and the others booed, obviously they did it on purpose, as if they had been secretly in love with him for a long time.Xia Fengshu was not moved by the shy expression of the boy who had just begun to love him, but instead felt disgusted for a long time, thinking of being pushed up by the boy's thing made him sick.

Before the third year of high school, Xia Fengshu's family had a miraculous reunion. The miraculous thing was that Xia Fengshu's mother and daughter were served at the table during the meal.Before that, both mother and daughter ate a small dinner table, eating leftovers or more than this meal.Xia Fengshu didn't care for this hard-won opportunity to be on the table, she didn't want to face her father's liver-colored big face that was deformed by alcohol, and she didn't want to see her younger brother with a hooligan face, ignoring everyone ignore.Grandpa and grandma are still healthy, and there is no one else but their grandson in their mouths.Xia Fengshu looked at the elbow meat on the table and swallowed into his stomach. His mother secretly left a small piece of this thing for her during the Chinese New Year.She likes to eat meat very much, but she has never been full once.No one touched the chopsticks, my brother had already stuffed a large piece of his elbow into his mouth, and the juice overflowed from the corner of his mouth. Grandma kept asking him if it was good, but he ignored it.Dad said to Xia Fengshu: "You can eat too." It was the most loving words Xia Fengshu heard from his father in the past 17 years, and she almost cried.Then my father said to my mother: "Go back to your mother's house and borrow some money. Zu Guang beat him up, and he asked him to pay for the medical expenses."

Mom remained calm, as if she had been prepared for a long time, "I borrowed [-] from my mother's house last time and haven't paid it back, so I don't have the face to borrow it again."

Dad drank two sips of wine, and the flesh on his face became horizontal again, "Where's the money you earned outside?"

"For Maple to go to school." The battle-hardened mother took the coming war calmly.

"I told you a long time ago that you raised a loser and spent money on her endlessly, you fucking heartless bitch..." the father cursed, Xia Fengshu was no stranger to this scene, and his father's mouth seemed dirty. Like a well, the dirty water gushing out sprayed on my mother and on me, and my grandparents started eating, turning a blind eye to all of this, as if my father's swearing was a good dish, and the more he scolded, the more he ate.My mother finally couldn't bear it anymore, and retorted, "You don't count how much money you drink out a year, how much money you spend in fighting, who spent the 5000 yuan? Our mother and I drink the northwest wind all year round, and it still hinders you See, your old Xia family will let people live."

"What kind of high school did you go to, if you know two words, you should marry someone quickly. If you don't want your family, go and stay with her. I think you have a good relationship."

"You have to pat your conscience when you speak. Who knows who we have a good relationship with. I care about the two children so that you don't tear yourself apart, so you dare to mention it."

Dad patted the table, "Who do you think has a girlfriend?"

Not to be outdone, my mother said, "Let me tell you, I don't have any money. If anyone has money, you can go to whomever you want. I won't stop you."

"Are you still my mother?" Xia Zuguang suddenly threw the chopsticks at his mother, and then overturned the table, the half-eaten elbow fell to the ground, and half of the dishes were broken. "If I have something to do, you don't care about me. If you take care of Xia Fengshu, what is she!"

The mother was trembling with anger, looking at her taller son speechless.Xia Fengshu turned around and ran out of the house, and never went back since then.She spent the summer vacation at her grandma's house. Although her mother has no status in her grandma's house, and the two uncles who support her grandma are not rich, the family has a human touch and knows how to treat people as human beings.It is still possible to hide half of the self-esteem in the days of living under the fence, let everything go by three points, and don't listen to sarcastic remarks, Xia Fengshu made it to the beginning of school.

She had never worked so hard before, and there was no way out. She had to pass the exam, and she couldn't be a self-funded student, nor could she repeat the exam.This year, her only distraction was writing. It was strange that she had a lot of inspiration to write in the face of heavy schoolwork.

On December 12th, Xia Fengshu will never forget it. His father rushed to the restaurant where his mother worked with red eyes, yelling for money and money. His son was stabbed and he was in the county hospital.The proprietress of the restaurant ran to the school to inform Xia Fengshu that when Xia Fengshu rushed to the county hospital, her mother was lying on top of her younger brother, calling her son, son.The younger brother opened his eyes and said: Mom, help me...then he died.At this moment, Xia Fengshu realized that the idea of ​​monopolizing her mother's love was absurd.Mother cried so hard that she passed out, and father slapped Xia Fengshu to the ground, punching and kicking, and scolded Xia Fengshu for being a disaster.Xia Fengshu didn't cry. She hoped that her father would beat her to death with one punch so that she wouldn't have to face this tragic day.

His mother was seriously ill, Xia Fengshu worked in a restaurant for the whole winter vacation, and did not go home to see his mother.On New Year's Eve, she lived with the restaurant owner's family.At this moment, she seemed to have lost her self-esteem, as long as she had something to eat and a drink of water, that was enough.The proprietress is a good woman, gentler and more understanding than my mother.She advised Xia Fengshu to study hard, don't give up, the days are long!Only when she is promising can her poor mother hope to live a good life.

A week before school started, my mother came back, Xia Fengshu hugged her and cried happily.

She was admitted to university.The tuition fee was collected only a few days before the start of school. Being able to collect the money is enough to prove the good popularity of the mother. Every creditor knows how weak their repayment ability is.Xia Fengshu and her mother were on the train with debts on their backs, and they have been paying off their debts for the next few years.Xia Fengshu didn't want to think about those days, and he often had two coins in his pocket, weighing his food for the day.She has developed the habit of not lingering and choosing, and there is no room for choice.She never complained to anyone, never showed her vulnerable side to anyone.So from outsiders' perspective, she is strong and arrogant, but that's just a shell she created out of desperation.Her mother forbids her to work, and her mother who lost her younger brother is terrified of the city. A metropolis with tens of millions of people, all kinds of people, and the dazzling prosperity are always dangerous.At first, Xia Fengshu never tried to get rid of her mother's worry and control. On the contrary, the city and the university made her want to be close to her mother. The year-old Xia Fengshu began to yearn for more and wanted to try many things that he had never tried before. That summer, when his mother returned to his hometown, his brother's lawsuit was about to be sentenced.The one who stabbed Xia Zuguang to death was a 20-year-old boy. His father was from the county armed forces department, and his uncle was from the city police department.At first they said that they would pay Xia's family 14 yuan, but later it became 5 yuan, and then only 200 yuan was awarded.The mother gritted her teeth and said to Xia Fengshu: "You must be promising, otherwise your mother will not die with peace." Xia Fengshu had 100 yuan in her pocket, which she earned by working as a window model in a photo studio. Not only did she make money, but she also discovered the close connection between makeup and women, and the gorgeous costumes made her look differently at herself in the mirror.The owner of the photo studio asked her to stay as a photography model, but she did not dare to agree, fearing that one day the big photos would be put up on the signboard and her mother would recognize her.She spent [-] yuan on a pair of jeans and a checked shirt. What a huge and extravagant expense!Mom didn't ask her what she was doing during the summer vacation, and she didn't see that she had cut her hair and bangs, and her eyebrows were trimmed neatly and playfully. She seemed to have no time to take care of it. Apart from working, she was gnashing her teeth and denouncing the darkness of this society. God doesn't have eyes.

After school started, her mother repeated her dissatisfaction day after day, Xia Fengshu felt more dissatisfaction with this society in her heart, why did she also live in this world, and the air she breathed was so different, every time she was hit hard With her head on her lap, she could smell the gutter.She put her unspeakable anger and knots into the novel. In her sophomore year, she mustered up the courage to send out her first novel manuscript, but nothing came to fruition.After a long enough time passed, she gave up, but this was not a big blow, Xia Fengshu had no desire to become a blockbuster.My mother's business is very poor, and it all depends on her going out early and returning late. After barely adapting to the language, the stinky tofu that my mother researched by herself has no market here.Mom gives 200 yuan a month for living expenses, and Xia Fengshu occasionally eats at her mother's place. In terms of food, it can be said that she can eat enough, although the best food is hand-rolled noodles with meat sauce made by her mother. For quite a long time, Xia Fengshu was still satisfied.Vanity was also carefully hidden by her, along with 200 yuan.

When Dad came, Xia Fengshu was very surprised. Dad's huge and bloated body made Mom's poor cabin even more crowded. He was sitting, and Mom was standing against the wall.Seeing Xia Fengshu, her father stared with bloodshot and slightly protruding eyes, Xia Fengshu retreated habitually, she was afraid of him. "Maple." Dad's voice was not as scary as his appearance, and this was what Mom felt the most. It was a sad thing in a woman's heart that a handsome young man turned into a hippopotamus.

Xia Fengshu didn't agree and looked at her mother.

Mom took five dollars out of her pocket and said, "Go and buy half of the watermelon."

Xia Fengshu took the money and left, guessing the purpose of his father's coming here while walking. When he came back, both parents were crying, and his father said: "Zu Guang died unjustly, I can't let him die in such an unexplained way." .”

Mom said: "You go! You take the 1000 yuan."

"I want justice!" Dad cried and put away the money, Xia Fengshu stood stupidly holding the watermelon, vaguely aware of something.Dad stood up and walked towards her, "Fengshu, hurry up and graduate, become a barrister, and seek justice for your brother."

Xia Fengshu said, "What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to Beijing to file a complaint!" Dad staggered away, breathing heavily, and Xia Fengshu asked his mother why she believed his words.

Mom sighed and didn't answer.

The more Xia Fengshu asked, the more anxious he became, "1000 yuan is my living expenses for a semester, and you gave it to that drunkard?"

"He's your father, goddam boy."

"Is he? Why is he?"

"Without him there would be no you."

"I'd rather not have me! Why would you give birth to me with someone like that?" Xia Fengshu fiercely resisted in exchange for a slap from her mother. She hurt, and so did her mother.She cried, and my mother cried too.

"I'm sorry for your brother! I didn't give him a drop of milk when he was born. Your grandparents wouldn't let me go forward. I cared about you, so I didn't care about him. But how can there be a child who doesn't need a mother? He is getting more and more The worse is my fault, I didn’t educate him well, he should treat me no matter what. If you give birth to him, you have to raise him! When your brother dies, call my mother, save me! I’ll be sorry for this child for the rest of my life , I’m sorry for you too, I can’t give you a decent home. Mom is left with you, and all hope is with you.”

"I won't let you down, but I hate it when you take care of people in Xia's family."

"It's up to your father to use the money to drink or sue. I will do my best for your brother. When you have a certainty, your brother will not be able to get justice. Mom will sue." The mother's hair is messy, He said with a blank eye.

Xia Fengshu rubbed her swollen shoulders, shed tears, like a chick breaking free from a hen's arms, after that, she reduced her living expenses to one hundred and two, and with that one thousand two as a backing, she started the last Hard life period.She stayed by her mother's side with the best of her ability, and her mother tried her best. Xia Fengshu was afraid to see her mother's exhausted expression again, as if she would die in the next second.

For the next two years, my mother did not return to her hometown. It is said that my father was not at the forest farm either, so he lost his job and disappeared.

Xia Fengshu cultivated his temperament in the poor days. The first thing he had to face was the pursuit of many boys. Since he worked as a window model in a photo studio for a month, most of Xia Fengshu's rustic atmosphere was removed. Like an egg removed from the dirt shell, a clear and condensed beauty began to attract the attention of boys on the university campus.Xia Fengshu didn't like it either, not because she preconceived that she liked girls, but because it was difficult to look directly at those reckless boys with pimples and always smelling of sweat.During this period, she didn't have a good impression of any girl, and her personality became more and more withdrawn.She is tired of Lijuan's pretentious coyness and Xiao Guo's casualness. The girls in the university are like bonsai gathered from all directions in a gardening party. Things that are not pleasing to the eye are like sanitary napkins littered in the toilet, knowing that they are wrong but unavoidable