door to happiness

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Starting from No.90, the seven chapters are all self-reported by Li Xiangyu and recorded by Zhang Hong.

The night you bought Tongtong the guitar, the wind was so cold that I wanted to go to hibernation, lay down for the whole winter, and wake up when the spring turns warm.That night, Liang Yan's face was really ugly, as dark as if she had been poisoned, and distorted as if she had been struck by an electric shock.

She hugged me like a mourning concubine and cried: "Xiangyu, Xiangshou..." She just called my name, and just calling my name broke my heart and broke my heart.She was not crying for others, not for herself, but for me, which made me feel a little bit self-pity, sentimental about my life experience, and I even started to feel a little pitiful.

Just a soft call - just that soft call hurts the heart and takes away the soul.Before her, I am lost.I saw my poor and pathetic self in her eyes.I sleep in her pity.

She said: "Xiangyu, let's get married! We don't need to be grand, sweet, or blessed by others, and we don't need to look forward to a bright future. We just need the witness of our parents."

The light from the street lamp was so dim that it shone on her face, outlining a deeper outline and looking so stern.She spoke so resentfully about such a serious topic.

I said, "Since it's a moth, why bother to fight the fire?"

She said: "Because it is a moth, because it wants to feel the temperature of the fire!"

I said, "When moths fly to the flame, they will kill themselves. Why do you have to try it when you know it's not going to be a happy marriage?"

She said: "If you have what you want, you will have what you want. What your mother wants is that you get married and have children; what I want is a marriage that covers up the world; what you want is also a marriage that covers up the world. What we want is the same, and what we want Same, so we can and should get married."

Marriage with desires is not a real marriage. We are used to calling it a mutual aid marriage, but gays like to call it a physical marriage.Formal marriage refers to holding a wedding or legal marriage procedure with another person for a certain purpose, but in fact it is only a nominal husband and wife status without substance.For example, in the early years, some people faked marriages with foreigners in order to get a green card, apply for immigration, or work in other places; another example, recently, demolition is very popular, and some people register for fake marriages in order to get more compensation; Another example is the gay and lesbian marriages chosen by homosexuals in order to deceive others and relieve the pressure placed on them by their families. These all fall into the category of physical marriage.

Because of the failure of her sister-in-law and her father's marriage, Liang Yan was deeply afraid of marriage and dared not set foot on it.But she knew that just like every woman wants to get married, she will inevitably be urged by her parents to marry.Rather than waiting to urge the marriage, it is better to take the initiative, so she chose me, because I am a good friend of hers, know her thoughts, and know each other well.Because she knows that we are friends who decide to go together for the rest of our lives, even if we use friendship, it may be enough to support us for a lifetime.Back then, she really thought so, although it is extremely superficial to think about it now.

I say that once a false lie starts, it will be a never-ending lie.A lie can never become a truth, it can only be filled with lies.For example, once married, children can become a big problem.

She looked at me and smirked: "Then I want one, or two. It's not impossible to be like me or like your child. Although I don't want to get married, I want to have a child of my own. Don't you want to If it's you, if your lover is Ah Hong, I think our marriage is enough to survive. We can give our children enough love, and they won't be hurt."

She smiled, smiling so innocently, like a child.

I know that she is in love with me.And that's the real problem!Formal marriage only asks "what you want", not "sincerity", but she gave me her sincerity.When she was talking to me that she should pay attention to the distance between me and you and keep a good sense of proportion, I should pay attention to the distance between me and her and keep a good sense of proportion!If one person is deeply involved, it is not the fault of one person, and the other party is at least half responsible.In a storm like that, I shouldn't have held up an umbrella for her.In the difficult days of the literature club, I should stick to my principles and not go into that muddy water...

The wind that night was really cold, so cold that I couldn't speak, but she took it as silent approval.

In front of her mother's hospital bed, she said the words "we are going to get married".The mother was not happy, did not ask questions, just looked at her face quietly.The moonlight was like water, pouring down on her face, as if coated with a layer of powder, so well-proportioned and so clear.Mother just said: "It's so beautiful!" I don't know if she is praising the moon, or Liang Yan, or Liang Yan under the moonlight.

The night before Liang Yan returned to County Y, she visited her mother.At that time, her mother was already seriously ill. Liang Yan held her hand and whispered with tears in her eyes, "Mom, take care of yourself!" Eyes closed.When the eyes are closed, is the aura from the eyes also given to the ears?

The night before returning to my hometown, my mother suddenly started looking for Liang Yan, asking everyone she met, but she shut up in front of you.Although she is only a rural woman, she still understands what should be understood.She knows how to advance and retreat, and knows how to measure.

On New Year's Eve, Liang Yan came to see her mother, who was very happy.Dad picked out a carp, a chicken, and ten catties of meat from the annual loan he bought on the 23rd, and let Liang Yan take them away.In the countryside, the son-in-law needs to bid farewell to his wife's natal family before the new year. Generally, he must prepare chicken, duck, fish and red envelopes, and the husband-in-law and his wife will go there in person.My father did this on his own without telling me.Although she was a bit impolite, but Liang Yan could understand her and settle down with her father.

So, from her father's point of view, we were engaged and we were going to be married soon.

On New Year's Eve, Liang Yan came back with a gift, which is called "return gift".Because the two sides have never been in contact, and the Liang family only has Liang Yan, an only daughter, and Liang's father is an elder, it is not suitable to give gifts in return.Naturally, Liang Yan brought the gift herself, even though it was not appropriate.

From this point of view, the two sides had never been in contact, and Liang Yan was the only one who connected the two families.

Do you know, my mother has always been so restrained, I never dreamed that they would put Liang Yan and I's hands together, and it was still in front of you.Maybe at that moment, she felt that if she didn't do this, she would never have another chance.It's like a lock that binds me tightly.Mother put her life on me with one of the most vicious curses.At this time, I seem to be a little bit hard to get off.

The pain of the mother's death was too late to be deep, and the curse of the marriage was like a devil, lashing out and rushing towards her.Was he tortured to death by that endless grief, or was he trapped in marriage by that terrible curse?At that moment, I really wanted to leave with my mother and get rid of this troubled world.But when I saw your face and kissed your tears, I knew that I could only be strong——with you behind me, I suddenly felt more at ease.

The day Liang Yan said she wanted to be a daughter-in-law, I firmly opposed it.Maybe in her opinion, that was just her filial piety, but in my opinion, it was the last straw that could crush me.If she had put on sackcloth and a mourning staff that day, it would have been another curse, another cage to imprison me.When Ruan Linyu died due to rumors, how could we be alone in the rumors?

On the day of the funeral, you held my mother's coffin in one hand and supported me in the other. I felt so at ease.I just feel that I hold a warm hand, a hand that can support me for a lifetime.I take three steps back, nine steps and knock, but every time I take a step back, you are in my eyes; every time I raise my head, you are in front of my eyes.It makes me feel grounded - many times, I worry that when I wake up, you will suddenly not be with me.So, I will always wake up before you wake up, and leave before you leave.I'm afraid you'll leave me a piece of ice.

But that day, you let go of my hand.

Liang Yan came, and she supported me and held the mat for me.Her hand is like a bonfire in summer, and an ice knife in winter.She was not the icing on the cake, nor was it a gift in the snow, it was a kick that suddenly flew up behind her standing beside the abyss.Fall, only fall...

Doomed!

The folks nearby were muttering, curiously asking this strange and calm girl, and finally they found out the clue.Those who are not close relatives, no one will come to "help the filial piety". "Filial son", this is such a taboo thing, everyone avoids it as if seeing the plague.I can tell them "you are my brother" out loud, but I can't say "she is my classmate" out loud.A classmate would never do this kind of behavior!

A funeral tortured me to death. Putting aside the physical pain caused by every kneeling, the pain of losing my mother and the fear of marriage alone made me almost breathless.

When I returned from the funeral, I fell asleep.It was four o'clock in the morning when I woke up, but you had already quietly left.

I was too tired, too tired, and fell into a deep sleep. I couldn't care less about cleaning up after the funeral, and I couldn't care less about repaying favors. Apart from sleeping, I still slept in a daze.I slept for four days.During these four days, I was called up by my father to offer sacrifices, to be full, to "restore soil", to be called up by my father...but I was in a daze, sleeping standing up, kneeling down, and sitting up, Sleeping on the stomach is sleeping rather than sleeping, but sleeping is better than sleeping...

When the loving mother first died, the two brothers slept in each other's arms, and slept again after waking up.

When we were young, we felt the fragility of life for the first time, and we were so panicked, without the indifference and relief that our father had when he sent his grandparents away.