Be Dazai's mother

Because Sachiko died so badly that there were not even ashes left, and after turning into ashes, they were blown away by the wind like light and dissipated. Naturally, Osamu Dazai couldn't take people to cremation and burial.

...Of course, it is not Sachiko's body if you really want to say it, and it would be embarrassing to take it back for cremation and burial.

Although Osamu Dazai didn't mind this kind of thing, in his eyes Sachiko was just Sachiko.Fortunately, Sachiko would definitely not like this.Although this person looks soft and weak on weekdays, he is very stubborn in his bones, and at the same time, he is too serious.

If other people encountered Sachiko's situation, I'm afraid they would naturally use this body with peace of mind after the first apology, but Sachiko was different, she always reminded herself that this was a fluke due to Mei's blessing In the second life, until some time ago, Sachiko still secretly gave the money saved by her part-time job to Mei's parents through various methods.

Because I understand that I will send the money to Mei’s parents psychologically. If I force the money to be sent to the past, I am just moved by myself. Sachiko has been discussing with Osamu Dazai how to send the money to Mei’s parents this month. hands.

With Dazai Osamu's help, Sachiko has also sent a lot of money over the past few years.

Sachiko always said that he was too serious and stubborn, but in the eyes of Osamu Dazai, why wasn't she?But if it wasn't for Xingzi like this, she probably wouldn't have insisted on grabbing his hand to catch him back then.

Therefore, after discovering that Sachiko disappeared like a light, Osamu Dazai didn't have much regret in his heart.The reason why Sachiko's body disappeared was only because the soul of the original owner of the body had been away for a full ten years. At this time, after Sachiko's soul also left, it is not surprising that this tenacious body would disappear—that is to say, Osamu Dazai But I always feel that maybe Sachiko's soul left with this body.

In the eyes of Osamu Dazai, she has always been like light, coming forward with light and then disappearing between heaven and earth like light.

When returning to Yokohama, Nakahara Nakaya on the side was hesitant to speak, and even Sawada Tsunayoshi, who was afraid of him before, stared at him worriedly.

However, on the contrary, Osamu Dazai's calm and unbelievable attitude.He didn't look at all like someone who had just died of the most important mother, but rather an insignificant person.

The exorcist was very unhappy because he was forced to give up giving the ghosts. Seeing Osamu Dazai's reaction at this time, he couldn't help but sneer: "I thought it was such a touching parting of life and death? I didn't expect everyone to die now." Yes, but the son doesn't even have any expression on his face."

The exorcists who said this soon paid the price for their stupidity and died tragically on the street.But that was for the future. The exorcist, who was still jumping around arrogantly, saw that Osamu Dazai still didn't respond, so he couldn't help but continue to sneer.

Zhang Jingsi glanced at those people lightly, and after happily discovering that those people were not his subordinates, he simply let them continue to die.

Osamu Dazai glanced at those people with no expression on his face. He was very vindictive and wrote down the faces of these people, silently thinking about how to let them try to die.

But those people were right. Maybe he was really cold-hearted by nature.Even though she could feel that she was indeed grieving for Sachiko's passing, she still couldn't show anything on her face.

What's more strange, Osamu Dazai felt that Sachiko was not dead yet, and was still by his side, as if as soon as he returned home, Sachiko would smile at him as usual and say, "You are finally back, welcome back, Go and wash your hands, there is something you like to eat tonight."

Even when he returned to the port mafia to face Mori Ogai, Osamu Dazai still thought so.

Mori Ogai, who learned the news of Sachiko's death from Nakahara Chuya, sighed, and a little sad emotion could not help but appear on his face.

"Miss Sachiko passed away..."

Even Mori Ogai felt regretful and sad for her death. Osamu Dazai was not surprised by this. In his eyes, his mother Sachiko was so good, and it was only natural that everyone liked her, and only Sachiko herself I don't think she deserves to be liked.

"You should take a rest these days, I will take care of your work. As long as you remember to come on your birthday, after all, you will be announced as a cadre on that day." Mori Ogai said so, kindly giving Dazai Granted a few days off.

It is rare that Mori Ogai, the unscrupulous boss who always squeezed the underage labor force, took the initiative to approve the holiday, and he would not let it go for nothing. Osamu Dazai immediately let himself go.After viciously mocking Nakahara Chuya, a good employee who returned to his position without stopping before the vacation was over, and gave Akutagawa Ryunosuke a new training policy and plan, Osamu Dazai spent several days in the lupin bar inside.

Anyway, no one cares about him now, he can stay as long as he likes, drink as much as he likes, and no one will wait for him to go home.

In the lupin bar, after hearing the news of Sachiko's death from Dazai Osamu, Oda Sakunosuke said calmly: "...Is that so."

Just because of this, Dazai Osamu felt that his abnormality was understood for some reason.

Osamu Dazai picked up the wine glass and drank it in a gulp, because he drank the strong alcohol too quickly, he was choked and coughed.

Osamu Dazai turned his head to the side, coughing as if he wanted to cough up his lungs.But if it really coughs to that extent, it will definitely scare both Oda Sakunosuke and Sakaguchi Ango.

As Osamu Dazai thought about it, he couldn't help but feel amused by his own imagination, which also made him laugh a few times.

It's a pity that because he was still coughing, his voice became extremely hoarse, and those few laughs were as hoarse and harsh as the squawking of ducks.

Ango Sakaguchi who was drinking quietly at the side was silent for a while, then stretched out his hand and patted Osamu Dazai on the shoulder.

"You've done a good job, Dazai-kun." Ango Sakaguchi said, there was a kind of heaviness in his words for some reason.

Refused to be supported by others, Osamu Dazai, who was drunk, returned home drunk - "home" naturally refers to the room where Sachiko lived.Osamu Dazai has many houses under his name, but they are only temporary houses for rest.

The room was pitch black, unlike before when there was always a lamp waiting for him.Osamu Dazai dazedly reached out to grab the button on the wall, but failed to catch it, and fell down because he accidentally kicked the shoe shelf down.

After a loud "plop", Osamu Dazai didn't hold onto the wall or make any defensive moves, and let his body fall to the ground first. The pain caused him to subconsciously cover his nose and curl up his body.

... didn't hear the voice of others rushing over and saying in a helpless tone: "Why are you so careless? Get up and wipe your face."

Osamu Dazai, who smelled of alcohol, blinked and muttered casually, "What a bad luck."

He supported his tired and heavy body with his hands and stood up. After putting on his indoor shoes, he stumbled and fell onto the sofa beside him.

"I'm so tired..." Dazai Osamu said lazily.

In a trance, he felt as if he was drowning in a deep ocean, and the sound of sea water gurgling rang in his ears.And he himself was sinking non-stop, the ocean was boundless as if it had no bottom, so Dazai Osamu did not fall to the bottom even when he fell to the eighteenth floor.

Dazai Osamu's alcohol capacity is actually quite good, the most important thing is that the wine is good, and he won't almost demolish several buildings after getting drunk like Nakahara Nakaya.When Osamu Dazai was drunk, he looked as comfortable as he was when he was not drunk, and his speech was very clear and organized.Only a few people could see that he was actually drunk.

Osamu Dazai was drunk and drunk, otherwise he would not have moved his eyes to the galgame next to him.

What I want to explain here is that galgame is actually Sachiko's little hobby.She is not used to mobile phones and TVs, and she rarely uses them on weekdays.But Sachiko doesn't know why she likes the beautiful girl strategy game very much.

It's not that she hasn't played female-oriented love games, but she still likes beautiful girl strategy games after playing.When I have nothing to do, I will play a beautiful girl strategy game with a good style.This once made Osamu Dazai doubt Sachiko's sexual orientation, and even made him think about what plan he would use to prevent Sachiko from being hunted down by Sawada Iemitsu if Sachiko kidnapped Mrs. Nana.

Osamu Dazai took out one to play, and after entering the save file, the screen also showed a conversation between the protagonist and a girl named Mana.

"If I die, what do you think I will become?" On the screen, the girl who looks thin and looks like a sickly character has bright hair that shines like a star.

Is this the plot from the start?

Osamu Dazai thought about it, and watched three options appear on the screen, namely [Stars], [Moon], and [Night Sky with Stars and Moon].

No matter which option is selected, it seems extremely romantic, which is very suitable for the beautiful starry cover of this game.

Osamu Dazai did not hesitate too much, and directly chose the first [Star] option.

After choosing the [Star] option, Mana smiled helplessly at the screen and said, "Isn't that too far away?"

Osamu Dazai raised his eyebrows, suspecting that the other two options are the same answer, but since he has no save files, he has no way to verify this idea for the time being, so he can only continue playing.

The protagonist seemed helpless, and said, "I can't think of it."

"Hey." At this time, Mana looked like a 16-year-old girl. Lying on the hospital bed, she laughed childishly and said, "The answer is——nothing will change."

The protagonist said: "Your answer is too cunning."

Mana said sadly: "There is no way, death is death, there is nothing left. Stars or flowers will not be turned into, what is left is just a corpse."

"..."

A dot of silence appears on the screen, and the protagonist says softly, "Then I hope you don't die."

"That's impossible." Mana said with a smile.

Looking at Mana's smile on the screen, Osamu Dazai suddenly felt that all this was stupid.He threw the game aside casually, lay back on the sofa by himself, and gradually fell asleep.

···

He had a strange dream.

He dreamed that he became the protagonist in the game, grabbed the hand of a girl named Mana, and said in a praying tone: "I hope you don't die."

...hope you survive.

Mana was silent, she stretched out her arms and hugged Osamu Dazai, holding him half in her arms like a mother hugging a child.

She said softly, "I'm sorry, I'm really... so sorry."

Osamu Dazai really wanted to say: "It's not your fault." But for some reason, the words changed into: "If you die without authorization, I will hate you."

After finishing speaking, Osamu Dazai suddenly realized how unreasonable words he had said, which seemed like capricious words that a seven- or eight-year-old child would say. He just wanted to say something to make up for it, but Mana hugged her even tighter. he.

"Ah, if that can make you feel less sad, then come and hate me. As long as this can make you not get hurt, then come and hate me." Mana said softly.

... Osamu Dazai suddenly realized that he was just saying this so that he would not get hurt.Perhaps it is because of this annoying egoism in his nature, because he is afraid that his heart will be hurt next, and because he is afraid that he will fall into eternal pain, he uses the name "hate" to express I will hate you for being lied to if you break your promise.

But actually he's just—

"I just..." Osamu Dazai looked up at Mana, or Sachiko, and said softly, "I just...don't want you to leave."

—He was just sad, sad, sad because of Sachiko's death.

Osamu Dazai grabbed Sachiko's hand and said, "You've only been away for a few days, but I feel like it's been a long, long time."

"I miss you very much..." Osamu Dazai in the dream said coquettishly like a child who hasn't grown up: "Mom."

Sachiko trembled unsteadily, hugged Dazai Osamu, and said in a trembling voice as if hugging the most precious thing in the world: "I miss you too, Aji."

"If possible, I really want to witness every step of your footsteps with my own eyes." Sachiko whispered softly: "What will you be like next year? What will you be like the year after? What will you be like in the year after? How is it?"

"Will you encounter painful things in the future? Will no one understand you? What if a person is injured and can't get up?"

"Just thinking about it makes me worry about you." Sachiko shed tears.

Looking at Sachiko's face, Osamu Dazai felt in his heart that he didn't want her to worry. He said, "Don't worry, I'm not a child anymore, I will take good care of myself."

"I'm fine by myself, Mom."

But he actually wanted to say: "No, I can't take care of myself, you come back soon." But this kind of words may make Sachiko even more sad.

So Osamu Dazai swallowed the words in his heart, he leaned against Sachiko's arms, feeling like he was back in Sachiko's arms when he was eight years old.

There was a very good smell on her body, when leaning against Sachiko's arms and smelling it, Osamu Dazai felt warm all over his body, as if he was basking in the sun under a big tree and as if he had returned to his mother's son. It's like the palace is soaked in amniotic fluid.

Those pains and anxieties no longer existed, and his empty heart seemed to be filled with warm emotions, which made him feel at ease.

Sachiko seemed to be infected by his emotions, and couldn't help showing a smile. She stretched out her hand to stroke Dazai Osamu's head sleeping on her lap, and softly comforted him.

"Good boy, good boy..."

Sachiko couldn't help humming the nursery rhymes from her hometown, those tunes surrounded Dazai Osamu like countless shining stars in his dreams, allowing him to travel in the dark night.

Sachiko's hand became very rough due to the hard work in the early years, and she reached out to stroke Dazai Osamu's head, bringing an itchy feeling when combing his hair.

But just this is like being so happy that you want to cry.

Osamu Dazai couldn't help but fell into a deeper sleep, as if he was engulfed in clouds, he heard Sachiko's voice at the last second before his consciousness disappeared.

"No matter when, even if the two ends of the world are separated, I will still love you, Azhi."

When Osamu Dazai woke up, it was already afternoon. He fell asleep because he was so drunk that he woke up with a terrible headache. He rubbed his temples and suddenly remembered the dream he had last night .

Osamu Dazai was silent for a while, he stared blankly at the ceiling, and said softly, "I know, Sachiko."

···

Even if Sachiko is dead, the earth is still turning and life is still going on.Soon it will be Osamu Dazai's birthday.

At the banquet, Ogai Mori announced that Osamu Dazai had become a cadre of the Port Mafia, which also made him the youngest cadre ever, causing an uproar all of a sudden.

Osamu Dazai casually dealt with all the people with ulterior motives, and after pushing away all kinds of people who flirted with him, he suddenly saw a person who was very similar to Sachiko in the crowd.

It's not that they look similar, it's just that they look like her when they smile.The woman was talking softly to a child, and when the child laughed, the woman patted his head as if pleased.

"..."

Osamu Dazai turned his head away, and after casually dealing with a few important guests, he told Mori Ogai that he was going back.

Knowing that Osamu Dazai didn't have the strength to deal with these things these days, Ogai Mori didn't make things difficult for him, and waved him back.

Before Osamu Dazai left, Ogai Mori asked, "Did you hold a funeral for Sachiko?"

Osamu Dazai blinked and replied, "No."

To be honest, even today he still feels that Sachiko's phantom is always by his side.Even when he was going to pour a glass of water, Osamu Dazai felt in a daze that he saw Sachiko nagging at the side and said: "Don't always drink those weird drinks, you need to drink more water."

By the way, Yosano Akiko and Yosano Akiko also came to find Osamu Dazai during the period, and when they learned of Sachiko's death, Yosano Akiko and Yosano Akiko suddenly shed tears after being in a daze for a long time.

Osamu Dazai looked blankly at Akiko Yosano who was crying, thought for a while, and handed over a tissue.

Yosano Akiko wiped away tears after receiving the tissue and asked him, "Did you hold a funeral for Sachiko? Or did you just bury him without holding a funeral?"

Alas, Sachiko didn't even leave him a body, so how could he hold a funeral?

Osamu Dazai had never held a funeral or burial before, and he was not going to do it at this time, let alone erecting a tombstone for Sachiko.

But Yosano Akiko's reaction was a "normal person". On the contrary, for some reason, he was still in a trance state about Sachiko's death, and he couldn't even shed a tear.

Maybe he really didn't pay much attention to Sachiko, otherwise why couldn't he cry?

Dazai thought so.

He originally thought that Yosano Akiko would accuse him loudly, abuse him, and deny him. After all, Osamu Dazai also knew that Yosano Akiko liked Sachiko so much, and he almost loved Sachiko as his second mother. Facing Dazai It's normal for Yosano Akiko to be angry with her mother who didn't even set up a tombstone after her death, and couldn't even shed a tear.

But Yosano Akiko was silent for a long time, and then said softly: "...I see."

Just like when Ogai Mori learned that Osamu Dazai did not hold a funeral for Sachiko, he was silent for a while and said, "I see, you can go."

Osamu Dazai squinted his eyes, ignored Mori Ogai, and returned home on his own.

When he returned home, he found a package at the door. Osamu Dazai wondered if some guy who hated him planned to give him a big surprise on his first day as a cadre?

But when he picked up the package, Osamu Dazai suddenly found that it seemed to be Sachiko's.

This discovery made Osamu Dazai's eyes widen in disbelief. He quickly took out the key to open the door, and stumbled to the sofa with the package to sit and watch.

Osamu Dazai's hand shook several times uncontrollably, he took several deep breaths, and opened the package only after he calmed down.

Inside was a thick doodle book and a letter.

Osamu Dazai hesitated for half a second, and first opened the doodle book.

When he turned the first page, he saw Sachiko's crooked handwriting.To be honest, Sachiko's handwriting is very ugly. If she calms down and writes stroke by stroke, she can barely be said to be neat, but if she writes at a normal speed, it will always look crooked.

Seeing the familiar handwriting, Osamu Dazai subconsciously softened his expression and continued to look down.

[This is the first day that Azhi and I have stabilized our lives. To be honest, we have paid unimaginable hardships and pains to be able to have today, but it is all worth it anyway. 】

Seeing this, Osamu Dazai suddenly discovered that this graffiti book seemed to be Sachiko's diary, which was written about from the first day when their life became stable.Osamu Dazai had noticed that Sachiko seemed to be writing a diary before, but he was not the kind of child who insisted on reading other people's diaries out of nowhere. Although he was curious, he didn't ask too much. He didn't expect this diary to come to him at this time. before.

【Azhi is still very thin, what should he eat to make him fat?He is very malnourished, I need to get him something nutritious to eat. 】

In fact, Sachiko didn't write anything, it was just some bits and pieces of trivial daily life, but Osamu Dazai took it very seriously.

On this page, Sachiko drew a picture. Unlike Dazai Osamu, Sachiko's drawing level is a real child's graffiti.

That painting was just a stickman in an apron holding food for a child stickman to eat.

Osamu Dazai turned to the second page.

[With the help of Mrs. Nana, I found a job, and I can earn more money to buy food for Aji.Of course, I plan to buy a box of brushes for him. I wonder if Azhi will be happy to receive it? 】

On this page, a child-like doodle of a woman smiling happily is drawn.

Osamu Dazai was silent for a while, he took a deep breath, turned several pages in a row before continuing to read.

【Azhi was taken away...I'm going to bring him back.That kid is asking me for help, and there's no way I'm going to let him go. 】

This page is different from the previous pages. The handwriting is so scrawled that Osamu Dazai can hardly read it. It seems that the owner of the diary wrote it casually. There is no picture on this page, but there is a sentence that Osamu Dazai really read clearly. arrive.

[No matter what price I have to pay. 】

The next few pages were blank, and it was only after turning through three pages in a row that there were words again.

[I didn't write a diary a few days ago, I will add it today.I went to ask Mrs. Nana's husband, Sawada Iemitsu. He is a good man. After I asked him, he agreed to help me. It was really kind.Of course, thanks to Mr. Mori and Mr. Fukuzawa, I can now bring Aji home. 】

Underneath the page was a picture of a woman returning home holding a child's hand, alongside a banner reading "Welcome Home."

Osamu Dazai clenched his fists and turned directly to the end of the diary.

【I'm probably going to die, that child will be very sad.Even if it's just a little bit, I hope he won't be so sad.So I wrote dozens of letters to Mrs. Xingyue, asking her to deliver a letter every year on Azhi's birthday. 】

[Aji is a pure and serious child, even if he only received a kimono to wear in summer, he would feel that it is good to live until summer like this.If I could hand him a letter every year on his birthday, I think Azhi would be able to give him some comfort. 】

On this page was a picture of a woman writing a letter.

Osamu Dazai saw this in disbelief, and then frantically opened the unopened letter.

[To my dear Azhi, I wish you a happy birthday, is your birthday somewhat different from the previous ones?When you receive this letter, I'm probably already dead. I can't celebrate your birthday with you. It always feels very regrettable. I was looking forward to your birthday so much before.

How are you doing now?Can you take good care of yourself even if I'm not here?Remember to eat well, don't be picky eaters, don't stay up late, drink plenty of water, and pay more attention to your health.

In fact, I still have many, many things I want to say to you, but when I write them on paper, I don't know what to write for a while.I think even if I don't say it, Azhi, you can actually understand it.After all, you've always been a very bright kid.But sometimes I also worry that your cleverness will hurt yourself.

I have written many, many letters, and you can receive my letters every year when you celebrate your birthday. I wonder if you would like such a gift?This is the only thing I can do in the end, just hope you can look forward to your birthday every year.

At least for me this is the happiest day of the year, because you were born into this world on this day.Even today, just thinking about this day makes me so happy.As long as I think of you being born in this world on this day, I feel so happy that I want to cry.

Of course, if you feel bored, or have a psychological burden because of it, then you can go directly to Mrs. Xingyue and get back the rest of the letters.

I don't blame you for whatever choice you make.

Azhi, you have to remember that you just need to be yourself at any time.I've been lost in this before, so I don't want you to be lost.I hope you can be happy, and I hope that those pains and anxieties are far away from you, so in any case, you just need to be yourself, even if it is not "normal" or "taken for granted".

Whenever you have to take good care of yourself, even if I am gone, I will pray in my heart that you will be well.Do you still remember that promise back then? ——No matter how long we have been apart, no matter how far apart, even if we are separated by two ends of the world, mother and Azhi are still connected in heart.

I have never forgotten this promise.Even if I die, I will just change to another way to accompany you.Whenever, I love you dearly, my child.

Sachiko. 】

"..."

"..."

"..."

Osamu Dazai stared at the letter silently, and unconsciously pinched the edge of the envelope with his fingers.

"Clap."

When water droplets fell on the paper and blurred the words, he discovered something in a daze.

"Ugh?"

Osamu Dazai wiped his face with his hands, seeing his tears in disbelief.He tried to wipe away the tears, but for some reason, the tears flowed more and more fiercely.

No matter how hard he tried to stop the tears from flowing, the tears still overflowed uncontrollably from his eyes, as if he wanted to shed all the tears he hadn't cried in the past 18 years of his life.

"Why am I crying?" Osamu Dazai asked blankly.

At this time, he was not at all like a boy who had just become a mafia cadre, but like a child learning how to walk in a daze.

"Why should I..." He turned his head blankly, looking at himself in the mirror with tears all over his face.

"Ah." Suddenly, he understood, very clearly.

"There is no reason to shed tears because of my mother's death." Osamu Dazai said.

Because Sachiko died, he was so sad that he couldn't stand it and cried.

Because he loved and missed his mother deeply, he was very sad because of her departure.

Osamu Dazai thought so, and couldn't help but choked up sobbing while covering his face.

At this moment, Osamu Dazai clearly realized that Sachiko was really dead, and not even the bones were left to him.

But at the same time, this is the first time in history that Osamu Dazai realizes that he is alive, living in this world.

It was obviously such a simple thing, but he only realized it now.

In a daze, Osamu Dazai suddenly remembered the dream he had at night when he met Sachiko ten years ago.

In that dream, he was curled up in the womb when he was still young. He thought it would be all right, but Sachiko pulled him out of his stomach.

A joyful smile appeared on Xingzi's face. She hugged him who was covered in blood and stains, and said as if she was very happy: "Congratulations on being born into this world, Master Xiuzhi!"

These are such gentle yet cruel words, so gentle that Dazai wanted to escape, and so cruel that he felt hopeless.

But life may be a cruel and beautiful thing. If you want to live well in this world, you need to clearly recognize that you are alive.

Sachiko used her death to teach Osamu Dazai about it in the end.

He lives in this world, maybe bumpy, maybe painful, maybe stumbles, but he is really living in this world, being lived in this world full of love and blessing by Sachiko and feels happy because of it.

Why do you only understand now that it is such a simple thing?

Osamu Dazai couldn't help but patted his head and laughed a few times, hot tears kept sliding down his cheeks.

"Well, I am indeed well loved and living in this world." Osamu Dazai closed his eyes helplessly, with a calm and gentle smile on his face.

In a daze, he seemed to see Sachiko saying softly, "Thank you for choosing me to be your mother. I am really happy."

Osamu Dazai looked at her and said with a smile, "Well, I am the same."

"Thank you for choosing me to be your child, Sachiko."

Osamu Dazai lowered his eyes and smiled.

"I feel happy about it from the bottom of my heart."

Sachiko looked at his smile blankly, and then gave a happy smile.

"That's really good."