Be Dazai's mother

Wanting to be happy is a matter of course, right?Everyone wants to be happy and joyful, right?

···

"Haruko!" the grocery store proprietress called me.

"Ah!" I responded, and hurried over and asked, "What's the matter? Ma'am."

After I ran away from home, I thought that I would end up with a drink or go back obediently like a dog, but what I didn't expect was that I was so lucky to meet such a kind family like the grocery store owner and his wife , They kindly asked me to stay and work here. Although the daily work is very hard, it can be regarded as full, which is much better than those outside who froze to death and starved to death on the street.

"Have you decided on a family yet?" Mrs. Yamada asked worriedly.

Mrs. Yamada, the proprietress of the grocery store, is a kind person. I have been working here for several years. Seeing that I have grown up from a young girl, and now I am in my twenties and have not yet had a close man. Mrs. Yamada feels that But extremely worried.

You must know that in this chaotic time, many girls my age have already given birth to several children, but let alone having children, there is no one who is even happy.Mrs. Yamada is worried that if I continue like this, no one will want me.

"I don't want to get married yet." I said to her helplessly.

Mrs. Yamada sighed, and said: "I also have moments like yours, but this person will get married sooner or later, not to mention that there is another fight in the north now, and it is likely to be even more chaotic in a few years. Don't you take advantage of it now?" Hurry up to get married and have children, if you get pregnant while fleeing, it will be very difficult, and if you are not careful, you will die twice."

Mrs. Yamada's words were a bit exaggerated, but I knew she was also worried about me from the bottom of her heart, so I just smiled calmly and said, "I don't want to get married, madam."

Mrs. Yamada shook her head. After all, she was not a real relative, so she could only leave with a sigh.

I feel sad and ashamed that I failed Mrs. Yamada's kindness, but I really don't want to get married.

Perhaps because of the things I have experienced, I yearn for absolutely pure emotions. For me, no matter whether it is a close friend, a lover who has been in love with each other, or a relative who is connected by blood, they are not enough to be called "family".

Real family should be far above this, heavier than these things.

I am a very emotional type, so I don't want to have too deep emotions with others at will, lest I accidentally put all my emotions into someone, and then fall into hell again when I am alienated by the other person among.

If I had to endure that kind of pain, it would be better to just break up with each other when we were still friends.

I am very clear that I have very serious flaws in being a human being, but such things as flaws are called flaws, how can they be easily corrected?

After a hard day’s work, I came home—it’s actually a small warehouse, which was originally used by the grocery store owner and his wife to store groceries when they were still nearby, and then they moved the store to a more lively place The place, this warehouse is idle, just borrowed it for me to live in.

There is nothing in it, just some simple daily necessities. Fortunately, I don't have too much desire for material requirements. And having a bite to eat is already a very happy thing.

..."happiness".

Lying on the tatami, I suddenly recalled the years of life after I left my father's house.

In the past few years, I have not always been alone, but I have become one after all.

The first person I met shortly after leaving home was called Xing. When we met each other, both of us were in a state of running away from home. My side was a bit complicated, but Xing just quarreled with her mother.

Xing is the same age as me, but my family is much richer than mine.At the same time, compared with the gloomy me, Xing is also more cheerful and loves to laugh. When she smiles, her teeth are pointed, which is very cute.

On weekdays, it is not so much that I take care of Xing, it is better to say that Xing takes care of me.I didn't have much money in my hand when I just left home, it was just pocket money saved from the past.It ran out after a while. If I hadn't met Xing, I might have been reduced to eating grass.

Xing loves to take care of people. When I stay with her, I always feel like I have turned back into my mother's arms when I was a child.I truthfully told Xing my inner feelings.

"Hey!" Xing sighed, "I never thought that I would have a child as old as you." Even though she said so, Xing's eyes were full of sly light, and she said, "It's you who will be my child." My mother was right."

I said dumbfoundingly: "You can eat food indiscriminately, but you can't talk carelessly. I don't have a child as old as you."

Xing laughed a few times, she lay beside me, looked at me with soft eyes, and said, "If you want a child, you can have one by yourself."

I pursed my lips, turned around and ignored her, and muttered, "I don't want to grin."

"Don't be angry~" Xing apologized perfunctorily, and then fell silent for some reason. When I wanted to turn back to look at her because of the anxiety in my heart, Xing hugged me from behind and said, "Haruko, look Always looks very lonely."

"...not at all."

"Don't be so stubborn! You have it!" Xing grabbed my waist so suddenly that I couldn't help but exclaimed, and turned back to hit her angrily.

After all, they were just teenage girls, and they grabbed each other and started playing around without saying a few words.

When both of them were out of breath, Xing looked at me with smiling eyes and said to me: "If I have a family, Haruko won't be so lonely, right?"

I whispered, "Who knows."

Xing hugged me again. I was seven or eight centimeters taller than girls of the same age, but Xing was much smaller than girls of the same age. The way she hugged me looked a little funny, but I didn’t laugh at her The plan, because Xing's body temperature is very warm.

"It's not just relatives who have a blood relationship." Xing hugged me and said softly: "It's the "family" who will never leave each other no matter what happens, and the relationship is far above friends, lovers and relatives. Even if we are separated by two ends of the world, we still know that our hearts are connected together.”

At that time, I didn't know what I was thinking, and suddenly I asked in a confused way: "Is Xing my family?"

"Not really, I don't want to give up everything for you." Xing let go of me and said coldly.

Because of her words, I felt like my heart was pierced by a poisonous arrow, and it throbbed.But I just replied more coldly: "Yes, I don't want you to be my family either."

"Are you angry again?" Xing leaned over again and asked with a smile, "It's really a headache if you don't change your bad temper."

"I'm not angry." I tried to say calmly.

"You have it!" Xing said, pointing at me.

I glared at her impatiently, snorted and ignored her, so Xing said again: "Okay, just don't mention you."

"I'm just thinking about you now... how lonely you would be if I wasn't here anymore?" Xing closed her eyes and smiled calmly: "Although I'm not your family, I still hope One day you will be able to have your own family, and then even if I am gone, you will have someone who can always be by your side."

In the dead of night, the dark night and the quiet atmosphere always make people want to tell something, so Xing told me about her.

She actually ran away from home to escape marriage.

"Mom wants me to marry the young master from the factory!" Xing said in a complaining tone.

I raised my eyebrows and asked, "Does the other party have a bad personality or a bad appearance?"

"Good-looking is good-looking. This is the first time I've seen someone as handsome as him. He has a good personality. I heard that he has excellent grades since he was a child, and he treats people politely..." Xing muttered.

"Then isn't this the best marriage?" The young master in the factory is extremely handsome and has a good personality.If it was a girl from an ordinary family, she would have married long ago.

"But I don't like him!" Xing kicked me angrily, and said, "It's not that I will marry as long as I have money, a good personality, and good looks."

"Ordinary girls have already married happily. Not to mention being rich, good-looking, and good-natured, as long as they have any of the three, they can be married." I joked: "But since it's our If Xing wants to marry, no matter how high the requirements are, it should be taken for granted."

"I'm serious!" Xing blamed.

Xing looked at the sky outside the door, her eyes sparkled as if they were reflecting the stars, but for some reason they carried the darkness of the night, she said: "I just thought, I just got married like this, and my life ended like this Isn't it such a pity?"

"Will life be over when you marry?" I asked suspiciously.

"Alas." Xing sat up, propped her face and said in annoyance: "Let's put it this way, if I marry, then I will no longer be Xing, but must be a virtuous wife and a gentle mother."

She curled her legs up, lowered her eyes and said, "But I just want to be 'Xing'."

I opened my mouth, and after being silent for a while, I hugged her to comfort her: "For me, apricot is just apricot."

"But if I'm just Xing, my mother and everyone will be very troubled." Xing continued, her voice hard to hide: "I don't want to annoy them...so I can't just be Xing."

Looking at the scenery outside, she said softly, "I really want to go outside and have a look."

I was silent, thinking to myself, but there is no freedom and love in the outside world, only endless war, death, cries and cries for help.

I didn't say anything, just hugged Xing tightly.

Not long after, Xing's family came to pick her up. Before leaving, Xing asked me if I wanted to go back with her, but I refused.

Leaving aside the fact that Xing himself is a mud bodhisattva crossing the river, it is difficult for him to cross the river, but I can't stand the disdainful eyes of those around me.

Xing knew that I was a person with low self-esteem and strong self-esteem, and didn't say anything that would be better to go back with her, but just gave me some food and money, and told me to take good care of her in the future as if I knew I would never see her again in this life Own.

I watched Xing get into the car, and the figure of the car gradually faded away at the end of the road.

Since then, I have never been able to know any news about Xing, and I have never seen her again.

I had a very hard time after being separated from Apricot.Xing loves to take care of people. I met Xing not long after I left home, and then I was used to taking care of her. When I suddenly returned to wandering alone, I was almost stolen.Even getting stolen money is nothing but a trivial matter. I was targeted by a gang of human traffickers, one grabbed my upper body and the other grabbed my legs. I was almost dragged away and sold to Yoshiwara.Fortunately, the person in charge of the patrol passed by and yelled "Arrest the traffickers!", scaring the two of them away, otherwise I would have been tortured to death at this time.

In the second year after I separated from Xing, I met the proprietress of the tavern. She saw me wandering outside alone as a girl, and thought I was pitiful, so she left me to work there.

The proprietress’s husband died on the battlefield, her son was working outside and only came home during the holidays, her daughter was much younger than her brother, weak in body, and died of illness a few years ago, the reason why the proprietress kept me was probably because of her daughter’s death About my age.

The proprietress, who appears to be working swiftly and diligently, is actually seriously ill.Be it physically or mentally.

Sometimes she would call me alone, then let me curl up in her arms, and sing me some songs I don't know.

I don't quite understand it, I just think the voice is very nice, and then the proprietress will say my name: "Haruko, Haruko." When she said it like this, it made me feel like I had returned to the carefree, bewitched When I love being protected.

But I actually don't like the name Haruko, but I'm too embarrassed to tell the proprietress.So he just looked up and smiled at her.

One day, curled up in the arms of the proprietress and drowsy as always, I suddenly thought of Xing. She has probably married the young master of the factory and had a child, that is to say—Xing is no longer Xing , she is a "mother".

But what should "mother" be like?

The memory of my own mother is a bit hazy, as it was so long ago.No matter how much I cried and desperately stretched out my hand to grab those fragments of memory, the memory of my mother gradually dissipated, so that now I even forget her voice calling me, only remembering that my mother turned into a sunny day The doll thing.

With doubts in my heart, I couldn't help asking the proprietress.

The proprietress, who was also drowsy but still singing vaguely, raised her eyelids and said in a raving tone, "Oh, 'mother'? This is really a difficult problem."

"'Mother' is gentle, cruel, brave, cowardly, strong, and weak." The proprietress hugged me and said: "She can be anything, because no matter how much the world flatters her, Or belittle, "mother" is just a person. She may be a good person or a bad person, it all just depends on one's own choice."

I didn't stay long in the tavern, because the proprietress got so sick that I couldn't recognize her, and the tavern had to be closed, and her son hurried back from work to take her to the hospital. , There are special nurses in the hospital to take care of her.

The proprietress’s son is called Naoto, and he arrived in a hurry, with a cigarette dangling from his mouth, and complained vaguely: “It’s true, mom, I don’t get sick sooner or later, but it’s time for me to work. It's also very busy."

Naoto said so, looked at me, and said, "Are you the 'Haruko' my mother mentioned in her letter?" He looked very fierce, and I was a little afraid of him, so I pursed my lips and nodded.

Naoto took a puff of the cigarette and exhaled it. The illusory smoke covered the world in front of me with a layer of hazy veil, making me wonder whether this is a dream or reality?

I'm not used to the smell of smoke, so I choked on Naoto's puff of smoke, and Naoto didn't show any embarrassment, just stared at me with dazed eyes, and murmured through the smoke, "It really looks like Xiaoyu."

Xiaoyu is the daughter of the proprietress who died of illness a few years ago.

Naoto shook his head, and sighed for some reason: "The child's life is not good, but he fell ill when the family was the poorest. What else can I do?... Even I can only watch her slowly. Become weak, and then stop breathing. This is life, no way, no way..."

Because of the hazy smoke, I couldn't see the expression on Naoto's face clearly, I could only vaguely feel that he seemed to choke, but in the end he didn't say anything.

We were silent for a long time.

When we were about to separate, Naoto said to me: "If possible, I really want you to stay and take care of my mother, at least let her remember. But my mother is very sick now, and the medicine and medical expenses are too high. I can't count it, I really don't have much spare money to leave you with a meal, I hope you don't blame me."

I shook my head, knowing that straight people do have difficulties.Everyone is a mud bodhisattva crossing the river, and it is difficult to protect themselves. They have already tried their best just to survive, so how can they care about others?

I glanced at the proprietress who kept muttering Xiaoyu's name on the hospital bed over there, bit my lip, turned around and opened the door of the ward, ready to leave.

"... Haruko?" Suddenly came the voice of the proprietress from behind.

I turned my head in a daze, and found that the proprietress was stroking the teddy bear in her arms with a smile, and softly sang the songs she sang to me in the past.

Naoto said with nostalgia, "Ah, it's a song from my hometown."

I opened my mouth and looked at the proprietress who was humming a song while whispering: "Haruko, Haruko", I suddenly felt heat in my eyes, and left there in embarrassment.

Afterwards, I went to work in various places, most of which could only stay for a short time, some people pitied me and some people regarded me as a sewer rat.

And I am always alone, I don't know when I have a little obsession with owning a home of my own.

Just when I was a little self-defeating and thinking about finding a good man to marry and forgetting about it, I came out to throw out the trash and suddenly saw a woman covered in injuries.

Noticing me, the woman raised her head, showing a look of tears.

Her name is Emi.Maybe it's because unfortunate people always attract their own kind, or maybe it's because there are countless unfortunate people in this world. When I saw Huimei's eyes full of tears, I immediately understood that she was in the same unfortunate situation as me. people.

When I saw Huimei who was full of scars that day, I couldn't hold back, and carefully helped her to my temporary residence, and applied the ointment I had treasured to her.

On weekdays, I am reluctant to use even a little bit of ointment when I bump into it, but at this moment, I can't wait to apply all the ointment on Huimei's body.

When I helped her apply the ointment, Emi just shed tears and didn't speak.After that, Emi would often come to me with her whole body hurt, as if she put a broken heart in front of me.

Emi is several years younger than me but already a mother of two, but she doesn't love her children.

Huimei leaned in my arms and said in a small voice: "If those people outside know about it, they will definitely blame me for not being a good mother."

She stared at the ground crawling with ants with blank and empty eyes, and said softly: "Because I don't love my children and I can't sacrifice everything for them."

"It's better to say...it's weird? Why do I take it for granted that I'm a mother, and I have to give my all for the two lumps of meat crawling out of my belly?" She said as if confused : "I was just forced to conceive and become a mother, and then everyone around me took it for granted that I must be a perfect, loving mother, and even my own mother said that I felt sorry for someone like me. Shame... obviously I will be in pain too?"

I looked down at the bruises on her body, carefully keeping my posture from touching Emi's wound, and said soothingly, "You're not strange, Emi. You're just too tired."

Just like I never hated the mother who abandoned me, I don't think Huimei is disgusting. No matter what, no matter what identity she is carrying, she is just a person.A human being who can cry and laugh, feel pain, feel tired, feel hopeless, and shatter like glass.

Huimei closed her eyes tiredly, and said in a whisper-like soft voice: "Haruko is really gentle, only when I am in front of you, I feel that I am not a label but a person who can cry and laugh."

"Unlike a terrible person like me, Haruko must be a mother who loves her children very much."

Emi curled up like a baby and said, "If only I were Haruko's child, I wish Haruko could be my mother. If that's the case, no matter how terrible I am, you will love me Bar."

"Please." Emi, who was half asleep and half awake with her eyes closed, shed tears and said in a praying tone: "If there is a next life, let me be Haruko's child.

"please..."

"Emi..." I hugged the bruised Emi who was also bruised.

Huimei, who said such words, died a few months later. The person who killed her was not even her husband or mother, but a passing thief.

It was a child younger than Huimei, because that day Huimei was alone at home with two children, and he stoned Huimei to death in order to get a piece of bread for his sister who was still huddled in the grass with a high fever and hungry.

When I rushed over, the thief had already been arrested. Huimei's husband and the police were talking about something. Huimei's two children were still at the age of not knowing the world, and they thought Huimei was just asleep.

As for Huimei?I didn't get to see her for the last time, so I didn't know what Emi's expression was like when she died.

But after hearing this, I watched the thief expressionless and crying: "At least let me take the food back to my sister, please!" The thief was dragged away by the police, Indifferently chose to ignore.

I can't forgive him who killed Huimei, and naturally I won't help him, even if I know that young girl who is not yet six years old is innocent.

A few days later, when I learned that the younger sister had died in the bushes and swallowed the stone because she was too hungry, I felt the tip of my tongue tingle, and a painful sense of despair filled my heart.

——From this moment, I know that I can no longer expect happiness.

This is where my memories come to an end. In the years after Huimei's death, I couldn't keep on wandering around, and was picked up by the grocery store owner and his wife when I was about to starve to death.

To this day, I am still grateful that I have met such a good person.

Therefore, when the day of loss came, I couldn't hold any other emotions in my heart except bewildered.

"Boom", when the war broke out, everything was easily destroyed, including the dilapidated shop, including the unrecognizable corpses of the shopkeeper and his wife. I still rely on the pieces of clothes Just recognized these two people.

I stood in the ruins and looked at the surrounding scenes blankly. People's wailing and crying were mixed together. They were clearly all around me, but they seemed to be far away from me.

I lost my shelter again, and started a wandering life again.

I struggled in this world, wanting to be happy and to have my family, but no matter how hard I struggled, all I got was a deeper hell.

That day, I finally found a new job and was walking on the street.There was no one around, and I didn't pay much attention to the people around me because I was tired.

When two people grabbed my hands and covered my mouth, I immediately realized that I had encountered a human trafficker.

"It's not particularly beautiful either, and you probably won't make much money if you sell it." There was some regret in the tone.

A hand reached in, with a disgusting temperature.

"I can't help it. The economy has been in a downturn recently. If we sell this, it will last us both for a while."

"This one with thin arms and legs, I don't know how long he can survive in that kind of place." Laughing.

"Anyway, it's none of our business after it's sold."

At this moment, I suddenly felt that there was a strong rage burning all my reason, which made me suddenly surge up with strength and struggle to break free from them.

Following the exclamation of the men, I ran forward vigorously.

People on both sides of the road looked at me with surprised eyes. They were not surprised when I was caught, but were surprised when I broke free.

I gritted my teeth and ran forward, running non-stop.

When my breathing became painful due to the strenuous running, I suddenly remembered that when I was 14 years old, I was also running as hard as I am now, and then I shouted in my heart: I will definitely be happy.

My body trembled, and I was grabbed by those two men and pushed towards the railing of the bridge in a daze. The sound of a train was faintly heard in the distance.

"Run! I think you're still running!" A certain man's hand slapped down viciously, causing a rusty taste to rise from my mouth, my brain was buzzing, and my eyes became pitch black.

I took a deep breath and let out a suppressed moan uncontrollably.

"Oh, don't hit it. If you break it, you won't be able to sell it." Another man's voice, but his words couldn't make me feel grateful. What remained in my heart was the burning anger. ...only a deep sense of despair and disgust remained.

Many images emerged in my mind at this moment, such as when I was young, my parents, my classmates, Xing, the tavern proprietress, Emi, and the grocery store couple.

why why why--

Wanting to be happy is a matter of course, right?Everyone wants to be happy and joyful, right?

why--

Is it a wrong thing to want to be happy?

The anger in my heart was ignited, and I struggled even harder under the humiliation of the two men.

"Go away! Go away! Go away!" I yelled desperately, struggling hard, trying to break free from the control of these two people.

The man slapped me again with a full face of hostility, and then pushed me violently as if he still couldn't understand his hatred. I was struggling so hard that I flew into the air under the force of his push.

I fell off the bridge.

With a "snap", I fell to the ground like a kite, and the sound of a train was faintly heard in the distance.

I opened my eyes wide and wanted to climb out of the train tracks, but my whole body seemed to be broken and I couldn't move.

move!my body!Hurry up! !

I couldn't suppress the fear in my heart, and shouted desperately in my heart, but my body still didn't move, instead, fresh blood kept flowing out of my body.

The train was getting closer.

Tears overflowed from my eyes, as warm as the blood flowing from my body.

"Help, save me." I shouted in a broken voice.

"Help me..." I whimpered, but my cry for help was hoarse and broken, weaker than the voice of a baby bird in a tree, irresistibly swallowed by the whole world.

"help me..."

Who can help me.

"I don't want to die..." I whimpered, trying to reach out and crawl to the side, but let alone crawling, I couldn't even move a finger.

The train is just ahead.

I don't want to die!No matter who, save me, I want to live, I still want to live—! !

Even a person like me wants to live and be happy!

help me--!

I don't want to die——! !

With a "boom", the train slammed into it quickly.