Be Dazai's mother

Broken memories flooded into my mind at that moment, and at the same time, all the negative emotions swallowed up my sanity.

When I reacted, I could only see Azhi with a worried face through his hazy vision. He seemed to want to come and hug me, but because I was in the state of a soul, Azhi could only pass through my body when he reached out. It's just a body, which made him show a blank expression.

Reason told me to appease Azhi, but the violent emotions in my mind made me unable to stop the screams in my mouth.

why why why--

Is it a wrong thing to want to be happy?

Being pushed off the bridge, the body hit the ground with a "slap", all the bones seemed to be broken, and a lot of blood kept spilling out of the body, followed by a train rushing like a monster. He ran over me mercilessly.

The desperation and trembling pain still lingered, and there seemed to be a scalp-numbing bloody smell on my body. Everything made me shiver and scream uncontrollably.

At this time, I was still in the state of a ghost, which also caused my screams to be heard by no one among the people coming and going, just like when I was Haruko Nakatani, my struggles and screams were taken for granted Like being submerged under the whole world.

Every one of us is always overwhelmed by the malice that the whole world is tilting down, and we can't even struggle and sink slowly.

I also suddenly realized what I am actually made of today.

As Haruko Nakatani, I became a vengeful spirit because of my own obsession after my tragic death.In the state of a resentful spirit, I was wandering around in a daze, without any reason at all, just resentful.

Not long after wandering, before I turned into a more terrifying wraith or was eliminated by a passing onmyoji, I accidentally ran into Mei, who had a relatively special physique and was very compatible with me.

After Mei's death, I, who had a strong obsession with living, possessed her body. At the cost of losing my memory and separating my own grievances, I got a second chance to live on Mei's body.

Subconsciously hating her original name and wanting to be happy from the bottom of her heart, she forgot the name "Haruko" and lived as "Sachiko".

To put it simply, Sachiko is Haruko who has not experienced those bad things but has the memory of another girl named Mei.

I abandoned my past, selfishly forgotten those memories that should not have been forgotten, and lived with a new body and a new identity, thinking that I would be able to obtain happiness in this way.

But no matter how I resisted and fled, the nightmarish past still haunted me.

Because I must clearly realize that "Haruko" is also a part of me.

I don't know when, the sharp screams in my mouth have turned into low, suppressed whimpers, and I tremble and look at the "self" in front of me, which is the resentment I have stripped away.It was Haruko Nakatani's negative emotions—she was covered in blood, and she looked tattered. The dried blood made Haruko's hair dark, and her bloody appearance made this "self" It looked ugly and hateful.

I loathed myself, even today I still have to admit it.

Even if I wear the most colorful clothes and have the most beautiful face, I still feel that I am Haruko who is stuck in the mud and struggling to climb up, even if I am so ugly that I am chopped into pieces and thrown into the sewer. It is not too much for mice to eat.

I have been trying to love others, to find security through loving others, and to find happiness in this delusional way.

I thought I was happy, but in fact I just left my past behind and thought I was happy.

But people who don't even love themselves can't be truly happy.Especially someone like me who looks gentle on the surface and has a good temper but is actually crazy and stubborn in nature.

If I can’t even accept and embrace my own past and scars, then I’m no longer Sachiko or Haruko, but a clown wearing a mask to live on.

"Sachiko." Aji on the side showed worried eyes. His eyes made me feel that roots had sprouted under my empty feet, and they were deeply rooted in the ground, allowing me to stand firmly on the ground.

Anyway, she has already made up her mind to become a mother, and at least she must be a role model in front of her children.

Thinking of this, I took a few breaths, tears fell from my eyes, but I smiled, looked at her and shouted: "Haruko!"

I shouted loudly, shouting like that with all my strength.

Haruko, Haruko who is struggling to get happiness, Haruko who is walking with pain in her arms, my "past life", my half body.

The resentment I separated——Qingzi, she looked at me with blood and tears, she looked like a real evil spirit, ferocious and terrifying, with blood all over her body, and hatred on her face, towards this world and others, hatred of oneself.

But it was "me" myself, so I knew better than anyone that that expression was not so much hatred as it was—— calling for help.

"I" was asking for help, even if I died and turned into a ghost, I still didn't give up climbing up.Her voice is unknown to anyone, as if she was still shouting, "Help me." when she was run over by a train.

But it's not like that time now, because I hear it.

I heard "my" own cry for help, heard her call, and saw her struggle.

So, I said this - "Here I am."

I stretched out my hand to hold Haruko's hand, looked into her eyes full of blood, and said seriously, "I'm here."

I heard it, I saw it, I knew it.

"I'm really sorry for throwing you away." I said, "In order to get a second life, to gain happiness, I threw away the part I didn't want to accept."

"But I should also know that even if I no longer want to accept my past, there are some things that must never be abandoned."

Xing who hoped that I would not be lonely, the tavern proprietress who sang to me tenderly, Emi who lay in my arms full of scars and who hoped to be born by me in the next life, and the grocery store owner and his wife who kindly took me in.

These seemingly insignificant memories are what kept me going at that time.

"Besides, I can't deny my struggle." I smiled helplessly, looked at Haruko who seemed to be stunned in front of me, and hugged her.

"...Have you been working hard all this time?" Haruko who gritted her teeth in the middle of the night countless times and was still struggling desperately even when she died, you have really worked hard.

The moment I hugged Haruko, I suddenly felt unprecedented ease, as if the pain and despair in the past were gently accepted at this moment.

I knew that Haruko was "me", so I accepted myself at this moment.

Yes, "I" is such a hopeless and terrible guy, but this is "I", if I don't even accept myself, then no one can really accept "I".

If someone comes over and denies the struggle and life of "I" all the time, then I just need to beat that person hard, and then laugh presumptuously and say, "Fuck him! This is me!"

No matter how cruel the world is, I will never let go of "myself" anymore, and I will no longer hate and loathe myself.

The moment she was embraced by me, the tattered Haruko changed back to her intact appearance. She blinked blankly, lowered her head and buried her in my shoulder, and choked out a small sob.

"I really worked hard." She said complainingly: "But I still died, this world is too much."

"Yeah, it's too much." I also complained.

This world is too cruel, completely ignoring people's desire to live well and their struggles, and mercilessly throwing people into hell.

In other words, the world is hell, cruel and unreasonable.

"Even so, I really want to live a good life." Haruko said, "Although I have encountered cruel things, I have also encountered many good things."

The small ones are like the delicious candy in the nearby store, the newly bloomed flowers are very beautiful, the cat I saw on the side of the road took the initiative to come and rub my legs, and the big ones are like people I have met before, who have been treated by others. Everything made "I" grit my teeth and continue walking.

As if whispering, she came close to my ear and said in a soft voice: "This time I must be happy. This time I will stand upright in front of everyone and say that I am happy."

She laughed, and she couldn't see the resentment and despair just now.Just that Haruko, that Haruko Nakatani struggling to be happy.

I remembered the words that "I" wanted to shout in my heart when I was running on the road when I was young-I will definitely be happy.

At that time, Haruko was still immature, and still had doubts in her heart about her ability to obtain happiness.

But now I have been able to firmly laugh and say: "Yes, definitely."

Haruko looked happy and smiled like that, she hugged me and rubbed against her, then turned into smoke and melted into my body.

After merging into me as a part of Haruko, I was plunged into darkness.

At the last second before the consciousness disappeared, I looked at Azhi beside him. His figure made me feel at ease, and I thought in my heart: I will be able to get happiness if I walk with Azhi this time.

Thinking of this, I couldn't help laughing happily.