Be Dazai's mother

"Haruko, come here." The head teacher stood at the back of the classroom and waved to me.

I pushed back my chair and walked out, murmured murmurs around me as I left.

"What the hell did you do? Why did you ask for leave yesterday?" As soon as I came to the office, the class teacher sat on his chair and said to me with a headache expression.Her complexion was very bad, and she seemed to be holding back her stomach.

There were other teachers around, and they all glanced at me when they heard the noise, which made me feel ashamed.

I stiffly lowered my eyes and made an innocent and bewildered gesture, and said, "I accidentally got caught in the rain, and I developed a fever when I got home."

It has been raining heavily these past few days. If a child in poor health does not change clothes or take a hot bath in time after being exposed to the rain, it is indeed easy to get sick.

The head teacher stared at me closely, her sharp eyes made me feel tingling all over, and then a few cold words came out of her mouth: "You don't want to come to class, do you?"

was dismantled.

The moment I thought of this, fear surged into my heart, making my face pale, I couldn't help shaking, and tears just fell down my eyes.

I didn't dare to wipe my tears, so I just whined and said, "But I'm just sick. If I don't want to come to school, I just say so. Why do I make such a fuss?"

Seeing me crying, the head teacher's face flashed an embarrassing look, probably because I made other teachers look at her, which made the head teacher look like a bad teacher who doesn't trust the students .She tried her best to keep a straight face and said: "Are you still crying when you say a few words? Just look at how many times you have taken leave this semester? If you ask for more, your attendance rate will not be enough. Teacher, I also have a headache."

I didn't speak, just continued to cry, which made the teacher sigh and said: "Okay, okay, don't cry." She reached out and took out a tissue on the side table and handed it to me, saying: "I just remind you , remember to pay more attention to your body, even if you are a girl, your bones are too weak. Okay, go back."

I nodded and walked out of the office slowly while wiping tears.

The head teacher complained faintly from the office: "Really, my name is Qingzi, why can't I be as cute as Qingtian doll?"

Isn't that thing cute?

I thought so and walked to my classroom.There was a lot of discussion in the classroom, and their voices could be vaguely heard even before entering the back door.

"Student Zhongtani asked for leave again?"

"Otherwise, she wouldn't be called out by the class teacher, right? What's wrong with her? Why does she always ask for leave?"

"Who knows? But looking at her shabby appearance, she probably came from a family that doesn't like her daughter going to school, right?"

"It's quite possible, but maybe she skipped school on purpose. Didn't someone hear that her father was very angry and said that her daughter was missing last week?"

"Could it be that she ran out to meet some men outside? I heard that someone saw her father scolding her outside."

"Hey, there are still many girls who want to go to school but can't go to school. She even plays truant and goes out to be with some dubious people. I am really ashamed that I am in her class."

Saying this, the person who was speaking was pushed by the person sitting next to her. She looked at her deskmate suspiciously, and then followed her deskmate's gaze to see me - which made her smile awkwardly , Said: "You are back, Zhonggu classmate."

I ignored her, walked straight to my seat and sat down, opened the book with lowered eyes.

A muffled voice came from behind.

"Oh! Why didn't she call me when she came!"

"You didn't notice it yourself, did you?"

"It's so bad luck, even though my name is Haruko Nakatani, but she looks at others so gloomyly."

"Maybe she's one of those sunny-day babies whose heads are cut off for praying it won't rain."

There was a burst of laughter behind him.

I was reading with my head down, but I couldn't concentrate on the book. I turned a new page expressionlessly.

When school was over, I put the homework I was going to do today into a bag, and instead of talking to my classmates like everyone else, I turned around and walked slowly outside the classroom.

Before I walked out of the classroom door, there was a faint rumbling sound like a plane flying in the distant sky, and the originally noisy classroom suddenly became silent.

Everyone looked at the looming, small plane looming outside the window with fearful eyes, until after a long time like a hundred years, they noticed that the plane flew straight past, and the classroom that seemed to have come to death suddenly Recovering from anger, everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

"...It's really great." Someone who said this made the people who had kept their mouths tightly shut start talking again.

"That should be just an ordinary plane?"

"I don't know, I didn't see it clearly. After all, it's such a long distance. But isn't the war now a truce?"

"But I heard that there are still places that are still messy."

When everyone was discussing, I just looked out the window at the somewhat gloomy sky outside, thinking of the plane that had flown out of our sight, I felt a kind of rejoicing in my heart.But at the same time, there is an unspeakable emotion that can be called "disappointment" welling up in my heart.

Why are you disappointed?I vaguely know the hidden answer behind it, but I am annoyed by my own thoughts that only care about my own preferences.

After walking out of the school, down the long path, and through a few trees, I came home to a somewhat seedy place.

I'm not complaining about this. You know that there are still many people who are homeless. I should be very grateful for having a fixed residence that can shelter from the wind and rain.

Of course, I can't be happy either.

I opened the door and walked into the house. The house was dark and I couldn't see anything.I was silent for a while, and walked in after saying "I'm back".

Thinking about it carefully, I didn’t do anything all day, at most I just sat in a chair and listened to a few lectures, but for some reason, there was a kind of exhaustion that seemed to come from the depths of my soul, making me unable to breathe, making me want to Just close your eyes and sleep forever.

I stuffed my schoolbag aside, lay down on the bed and fell asleep.

……

It was very dark everywhere, and there were faint cries and cries from outside.

"You went to other places to find women again? Do you remember Haruko and I?!" That was, mother's voice.

"Mom?" I opened my eyes in a daze, and uttered a soft voice that could only be made by a five or six-year-old child.

My mother didn't answer me. With a "touch", she was thrown to the corner of the wall like a tattered doll, and her head hit the yellowed wall with a sound.

Dad didn't speak, I couldn't see his face clearly, I could only see him stretching out his hand mechanically as if he wouldn't get tired, grabbing my mother's head and smashing it against the wall.

"Boom" once, "Boom" twice, "Boom" three times.

My mind went blank, my tears kept falling, my whole body was shaking, and I didn't even dare to scream.

Suddenly, Dad took a few breaths as if he was tired. He cast a glance at me. There was no emotion in his eyes, but I couldn't help but feel deep fear.

After my father left, I stumbled and ran over, shaking my body under my hands: "Mom! Mom!"

I kept crying until my father called and sent my mother to the hospital.

……

I sat up suddenly, gasping for breath, and belatedly realized that I had a previous dream.

With a "click", footsteps came from outside the door. It was my father who had temporarily finished his day work and came home. He asked me loudly in the room: "Haruko! What do you want to eat tonight?"

Still feeling deeply exhausted in my body, I replied feebly: "Just whatever you want."

Dad couldn't hear my voice clearly, so he asked again, and I responded impatiently with a louder voice, then buried the quilt on my head, closed my eyes and rested for a while.

When dinner was ready, my dad and I sat down around a long wooden table with stains that couldn't be washed off. The food on the table wasn't good, but it wasn't too bad either, just for me The taste is like chewing wax.

My father and I were facing each other, each holding a bowl, eating dinner as silent as a log, as if we were performing a boring task, with only the slight sound of chewing and the clash of chopsticks between the dinner tables.

Seemingly remembering something, Dad raised his head to look at me.

"Did you ask for leave again a few days ago?" Dad asked.

I didn't answer him, just opened and closed my mouth in silence, chewing food mechanically.

Seeing that I didn't speak, my father said angrily, "I'm asking you something!"

My hands trembled visibly, and I remained silent for a while, but still didn't say anything.But Dad already knew the answer, and he didn't come to ask me specifically at this time.

"In the end, I didn't let you go because you begged me to say you wanted to go to school." Dad said, "As a result, you were asked to go to school and you always asked for leave. You might as well marry you off early. "

I continued to remain silent, but my hands were clenched unconsciously, the nails digging deep into the flesh brought a numb pain.

"Do you still remember Xiaoli who lived next door? She was married long ago and now she is pregnant with her second child! Now there are still wars in many places outside. If one day I accidentally die, you won't I have taken care of it for you. Ito-kun from the town next door is a very nice person. He is ten years older than you and has a good personality. He works in a factory. Although he is not rich, he has no worries about food and clothing. You marry him It will definitely not suffer..."

"And then you beat me like a mother?" I couldn't help retorting.Although I tried hard to scold him with a straight face, the circles of my eyes turned red uncontrollably. I choked up and said, "It's all because of you..."

Saying this, I couldn't bear the urge to cry, I stood up abruptly, turned around and ran to my room.

"Haruko!" Dad called my name from behind me.

I don't like the name!

Thinking of this, I slammed the door shut and shrank into the quilt.

Dad called me several times outside, seeing that I really didn't want to talk to him, he didn't say anything, and continued to go out to work and make money.When I heard the sound of the door closing, I also walked out of the room. Although I wanted to stay in the room all the time, if I really stayed inside and couldn’t come out, my father’s questioning was not because I was a timid person. able to face.

I sniffed, started to clean up the table, and then took the dishes to the kitchen to clean them.The water kept falling down like a waterfall, washing the oily stained dishes and chopsticks, making them clean again.

Looking at my own reflection reflected in the water, a wave of disgust welled up in my heart.

I hate myself.

I hate my dry hair, my crooked teeth, my tiny eyes, the womb I have, who I am as a woman, who is irascible, who is dark, who is in pain , I hate everything about myself.

Tears fell out of my eyes, my vision was blurred, and I choked up a few times in vain, because my hands were covered in water and I couldn't wipe them off with my hands, so I could only stretch out my arms to wipe away the shattered tears.

To tell you the truth, I felt like I was going to die in the morning.I also hate this crying place of myself.

I don't want to go to school, but I don't want to marry out according to my father's words.

I thought, in the future, I must never start a family with others and never have children. If I am forced to marry and become pregnant, I will just jump off the roof of the building.

As for what I can do in the future, I haven't been able to figure it out yet, but when I think about my future, I feel like there is a dark and terrifying vortex swallowing everything.

That vortex is constantly devouring everything, it devours my happiness, my light, my smile, leaving only endless pain and fear.

The kitchen knife on the cutting board shone with silvery white light, as dazzling as the moon in the sky.This made me stare at the kitchen knife involuntarily, and slowly stretched out my hand.

There was a very slight sound when my fingertips touched the knife, and I quickly retracted my hand as if I had been electrocuted.

I shook my head and continued to wash the dishes. The water rushed down and made a sound in the silent room.

After I finished washing the dishes, finished my homework and took a shower, it suddenly started to rain again outside.The crisp sound of the raindrops pattering on the ground made me think in a daze, oh, it seems that I should hang the sunny dolls.

But I hate Sunshine Doll, I wish I could chop off its head.

Thinking of this, I huddled under the soft bed quilt, looked at the pale Qingtian baby who was smiling quietly by the window, and thought calmly: You survived again today, Haruko.

As I thought about it, I felt my body sinking and sinking until I fell into a soft dreamland.

···

"Mom!" I grabbed her hand and begged, "Don't leave me!"

"... Haruko." Mom leaned down and hugged me tightly, crying: "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, I really hope you can keep smiling, but..."

"I can do anything, so—" I cried out of breath, "don't leave me!"

"mom!"

"..." Mom was silent for a while, then hugged me again: "Well, let's leave together, Haruko."

...

"Haruko, why don't you stay here first?" Mom asked pantingly, her expression was a bit hideous, and she didn't know if she noticed my nodding, she didn't say anything, and walked straight into the shop.

There were screams and crisp applause in the shop,

"You shameless woman! How dare you do such a thing! See if I don't beat you to death!" The mother angrily beat a very beautiful girl.

I stood outside in a daze, shrinking my body and shivering because of the cold weather.

A stray cat passed by, and I watched the free and beautiful creature run away quickly.

...

When I woke up, the sun outside had already hung high, and I knew I was late now without looking at the time.

Ah, I really don't want to go, but what if I don't go?Just marry like this?

Thinking of this, I tried to get up.

But if I knew I was going to face hell next, I would never go back to school anyway.

When I stood at the back door of the classroom, I heard people in the class talking about me again.

"Do you think Zhonggu will come to school today?"

"Will you come? Anyway, I was called out by the teacher yesterday for questioning, didn't I?"

"Then I bet she won't come." Ah, I remember this voice, it's rare to have a good relationship with such a friend of mine...Maybe it's just me being sentimental.

"Then she didn't come to school, where did she go? At home?"

This is true. When I didn’t come to school, I didn’t play around like others imagined. There is absolutely no possibility of something as romantic as sitting in the grass under the setting sun and looking at the sun.

...I just lay quietly in a room that was too dark to be illuminated by a ray of light, watching everything in this room silently as if I had died.

As if just like this, he could get forgiveness, as if just like this, his life full of shame and gloom could gain some peace.

"Speaking of this, I heard something from someone else." The discussion in the classroom was still going on.The people sitting there talking with excited smiles are not like human beings, but like some kind of dark shadow.

"What's the matter? Let me listen too." People who were not involved in the discussion looked over curiously.

The girl who spoke just now had a secret smile on her face, and said as if she had found some novel fun: "I heard that she was bullied by the boys in her class when she was in elementary school."

Judging from the smile on the man's face, it was obvious that this bullying was no ordinary bullying.

The people beside him kept sighing "Oops", but their eyes were staring at the woman who was speaking as if they were glowing, asking like chirping mice, "Is this true?"

"Of course! That's what those boys said back then!" The woman who spoke narrowed her eyes with a smile, covered her mouth with her hands and laughed non-stop, and said, "Oh, they are really bad!"

Then, accompanied by exclamations, someone came to ask for details, including the names of the boys back then.

And I was like an ice cave at that moment.

I was shaking all over, and it became difficult to breathe, as if the people standing not far in front of me were not boys and girls my age but demons with ugly smiles, and I was dragged into it by them. In the pool of blood in Abi Hell, the despair of suffering eighteen kinds of torture.

Looking back on the past, it is full of shame.And I kept falling like a kite with a broken string until the end of the world.

I struggled desperately, trying to escape from this hell, but my eyes were filled with blood. No matter how hard I struggled, the horrible and depraved ghosts in the depths of the blood pool would always drag me into an even more desperate abyss.

The voices speaking in front suddenly disappeared. I don’t know when, when I realized it, they all turned their heads and looked back. Their eyes were chaotic and scarlet. It will tear open the human skin to reveal the appearance of a monster.

A woman in the crowd walked a few steps towards me, as if she wanted to cover up something with a sweet lie, but no matter how much sweeteners were added to the stinky honey, it was already stinky, right?

So, I looked at them viciously, and shouted at them with my red eyes: "I won't give in like you!"

I will not succumb to this world like you!

I won't live such an ugly life like you, I want to live a more wonderful life than anyone else!

Thinking of this, I ran out with all my might, regardless of the calling behind me.

···

"Mom..." I was held in my mother's arms, and there was a smell in her arms that made me feel at ease.Maybe it's because I was conceived from her body, so I feel at ease because of the smell of my mother.

"Huh?" Mom looked at me in confusion. She was sewing clothes. If she could sell them, she would be able to earn living expenses for this period of time.

"Oh..." I raised my head and wanted to tell her that my mother's friend was so strange, he seemed to touch me today, I was very scared, but when I looked up and saw my mother's face, I looked down again. Head muttered: "Nothing."

My mother thought I was acting like a baby, so she laughed a few times happily, and then said worriedly: "Oh, my poor Haruko, when will you grow up?"

"It's a few more years." I counted out ten, and I will be 14 years old in six years, and I will be an adult.

"Isn't it still a long time?" Mom said with her hands on her face in distress, "Oh, if I die before you grow up, what will you do?"

I stared straight, jumped up very angrily, waved my hands in dissatisfaction and shouted: "You are not allowed to die! Did you hear that! No!"

"Which one will never die?" Mom said with a smile.

"Anyway, it's not allowed!" At this time, I didn't know that life and death were uncontrollable, but I just thought that as long as my mother said I wouldn't die, I wouldn't die.

Seeing me jumping up and down in anger, my mother said helplessly, "Okay, I won't die."

"You swear?" I said.

Mom laughed a few times and said, "I swear."

I held out my little finger to her and said, "Pull hook?"

"Oh." My mother said distressedly: "If you violate it, don't you have to swallow a thousand needles?"

I smiled and said, "That's right!"

Mom said: "Okay, okay." At the same time, she stretched out her little finger to me: "Pull the hook."

···

As I ran outside, I suddenly felt that my life in the past 14 years was constantly playing in my mind.It rained last night, and there are still rain stains on the ground today. When I stepped on it hard, it splashed water full of mud.

Tears kept falling from my eyes, and I wanted to cry in my heart, but because I was running, I could only swallow those whimpers forcefully.

···

"Sure enough, a woman can't survive outside." Looking at the unsold items in her hand, my mother sighed wearily. She moved her eyes to me, she kept crying, and said, "We Let's go back to Dad's place together, Haruko."

Looking at the tiredness and pain on her face, I nodded.

···

"Mom?" Because I heard some noises from outside, I didn't sleep very well, I yawned and went outside.

Then, I saw "Sunny Doll" smiling at me.

With a "click", a piece of paper fell lightly from my mother's clothes, and fell to the ground like garbage that can be seen everywhere.

A few words were written crookedly on the cheap and rough paper, which looked like a three-year-old child who was still learning to write.

"I'm sorry, Haruko, I can't hold on anymore."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

···

I ran, ran, and ran forward hard, tears kept falling like endless.

bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard——

I kept cursing in my heart, cursing this bastard's world, cursing everyone, cursing this bastard's self.

I am different from you!I will definitely be happy!

I gritted my teeth and thought.

Absolutely want to show you happiness!

I wiped away my tears and continued running outside.

I didn't know at this point that the real hell was next.