Be Dazai's mother

"Get out of my way—!!"

"Get away from Master Xiuzhi!!"

I stood at the back blankly, watching Sachiko standing in front of me in a completely protective posture like a ferocious lioness.

Why do you care about me?Obviously leave me alone, just escape by yourself.

I thought so confused.

After Sachiko came to the hospital, I deliberately asked her to stay.But it was definitely not out of the child's fear of the hospital, it was just my bad intentions to test her.

As I expected, Sachiko was terrified when she saw the ghost.This is not a rare thing, after all, she is just an ordinary person.Sachiko was shaking with fear, looking as pitiful as a real bird.

When I found out that the target of the ghost was only me, Sachiko, who saved her life, didn't look happy at all, and seemed to cry instead.

Speaking of which, Sachiko really loves to cry.

While avoiding the attack of ghosts, I thought: To be precise, it is because I always cry a lot when facing me.

When talking with other people, Sachiko always smiles lightly, and even when talking about sad things, she just lowers her eyes and looks silent.

Only when facing me, she would always look at me with that expression about to cry—why is this, I don't know and I don't want to think about it.

I always have a premonition that if I continue to think about it, it will become more and more painful.I don't like pain, so I evade the answer to this one.

No matter what, I deliberately asked Sachiko to stay with me, so that she saw such a terrifying ghost for the first time. After facing the pain of dying, I deliberately ran away in front of her and let the ghost chase me away.

I did it on purpose.I understand that human beings may still have the courage to face ghosts for the first time, but when they face death and escape from death, that courage will be exhausted, leaving only the desire for life and the desire for death. of fear.No matter how brave people are in ordinary times, they will become cowardly after facing such a situation, let alone Sachiko who is already weak.

She must be terrified, even if she leaves me alone because of this, it is normal.

and so……

I thought she would run away, I thought she would leave me alone, I thought she would just leave me.

But she didn't, she didn't have Sachiko.

Standing in front of me, Sachiko jumped at the ghost like a wild beast, as if she had gained unprecedented power at this moment, transforming from an ordinary person into a powerful person who dared to confront the ghost directly.

...but her legs are shaking?

Sachiko, who was clearly scared to death herself, clung to the thing and yelled for me to run.Obviously her own eyes were full of longing for life and fear of death, but she still came, came to me, and told me to run away quickly.

Faced with such an unexpected situation, I was stunned.At this moment, breathing that should belong to instinct also made me feel extremely difficult and painful.

why?

Sachiko's hand was broken by that thing, and it fell limply. Blood dripped down her body continuously, and when it fell to the ground, it made a "tick-tick-tick" sound like crying.

why?

Sachiko's foot was also broken, but she still bit the monster with her mouth fiercely with a ferocious face, blood kept overflowing from her mouth, and her eyes were full of blood that could burn anyone. Bright, as if she was doing something more important than her own life.

Why, Sachiko?

I took a step back in disbelief, with an unprecedented look of despair on my face.

Why are you killing me like this over and over again?Sachiko.

From the first encounter, she kept killing me, and made me taste the pain of dying countless times.

Even now, the one who is clearly dying is Sachiko who is struggling with the monster, but I feel that every movement of her is slashing at me with a knife, which makes me want to run away countless times because of fear and fear .

Sachiko dragged on for a long time, and soon, the sky outside gradually turned white, but Sachiko, who was already unconscious, probably had a hard time noticing this.

It was dawn, and everything in the night faded away, including the ghost that dragged us into a dream.Everything returned to its normal appearance, and even Sachiko's injuries disappeared easily, as if everything that just happened had never happened, but I knew what just happened.

I felt something close to hatred for Sachiko, but I was relieved when I found out that she was fine.

I was silent for a while, and carefully put my ear to the position of her heart - "plop plop", her heart is still beating.

Inexplicably, I felt a heat in my eyes, and although I didn't shed tears, I felt a desire to shed tears.

Maybe it was infected by the crybaby Sachiko?

I calmed down, looked down at Sachiko who was lying unconscious on the hospital bed, and thought to myself: Obviously, for you, the world of ordinary people is the "correct" one, right?

But why do you keep trying to break into my world again and again?

If it was Sachiko, she would definitely say: "Because I heard your cries for help, so I can't let you go."

But I didn't intend to ask for help from the beginning, nor did I ask for help.I thought in a daze.

The comatose Sachiko couldn't answer my confusion, and I didn't intend to tell her what happened last night.

I lead Sachiko to make her think that what happened last night was just a dream.Seeing her relieved look, I thought absently: This is the best for Sachiko.

No need to struggle and worry about the pain of reality anymore, just stay here and live an ordinary life.

——That's all right.

As I was thinking this way, I felt like a big hole was missing in my heart.The seawater pouring over from the whole world seemed to kill me and made me unable to breathe. When the seawater passed through the missing part of my heart, a kind of heavy exhaustion and despair made me unable to raise my spirits.

After Sachiko left with the butler, I stood by the window and watched her leaving back, I thought expressionlessly: This is good, don't get close to me again.

Another day later, the housekeeper came to take me home, and I had a rare feeling of anticipation.

Why?Even though I wanted to stop letting Sachiko approach me, but it was only a while since I saw her, yet I felt that I missed Sachiko so much.

Suppressing the inexplicable feeling in my heart, I pretended to be nonchalant and calm while talking to Sachiko.

I shouldn't have exposed anything, right?I thought carefully.

After chatting with Sachiko for a while, I went back to my room, but when everything in the room was reflected in my sight, I was stunned again.

I'm a relatively perceptive person, and there didn't seem to be any major changes in the room, but I could still tell at a glance that someone had come to my room.

It shouldn't be, the servants in Tsushima's family should know very well that I don't like people entering and leaving my room at will.It is precisely because of this subconscious residue that they seldom come to my room even at night when they become ghosts.

If there was anyone in the Tsushima family who didn't know about this—then only Sachiko.

I was silent for a while, then opened my small closet, opened the school uniform, and saw the somewhat worn-out paintbrush hidden behind.

The paintbrush has moved a few centimeters away from before I left.The other party may have tried very hard to put it back to its original appearance.Unfortunately, I can see even a few centimeters difference.

Sure enough, Sachiko came to my room and saw the brushes I hid in the closet.

How will she feel when she sees my paintbrush?Will you find me funny?Do you think I shouldn't toss about such boring things?Or tell this matter to the housekeeper or the father who is just a phantom in the illusion?

Knowing that Sachiko is not that kind of person, I still can't help but speculate on her thoughts with the deepest malice.After malicious speculation, I felt deeply disgusted by my behavior.

Ahhh, I'm such a horrible person.

When I was about to find Sachiko, I ran into my father.

Of course, this father is just a phantom created based on the real one. The real father probably moved to a new address with other children and servants after knowing that the house on the Tsushima family was slaughtered. .

But when this phantom faced my father's face and said troubledly: "Can't you do better? Just like your brothers.", I still felt like I was thrown into a pool of blood to endure Eighteen kinds of torture.

Deep in my heart, it seemed that another person was shouting loudly: "I want to too!"

How happy would it be to be able to be like ordinary people without having to toss and turn at night and have trouble sleeping and eating all day long?

If possible, I also hope that I will not endure such pain, and that I can sleep peacefully every night without worrying about despair and pain.

— but I can't.

It's just because you can't do it that you suffer so much. Isn't this a matter of course?

And the reason why I can't do it is probably because I shouldn't be born in this world from the beginning, right?Because my birth was a mistake from the very beginning, that's why I'm so different from ordinary people.

Sachiko tried her best to comfort me, she hugged me tightly, as if she was praying that she could bear everything for me.

But both I and she are very clear that no one in this world can bear all the pain for another person.

This incident seemed to have deeply hurt Sachiko's soft heart.

From that day on, Sachiko started trying to avoid me.

Looking at her like this, I thought it would be good while I said like a baby: "When winter is over and spring comes, the two of us will go to see the cherry blossoms in Fuyuki City together?"

Knowing that the winter in this illusion would never pass, and knowing that Sachiko would never take me there, I still stretched out my finger to her almost stubbornly to pull the hook.

What am I thinking?I'm afraid I don't even understand it myself.

If I had to say it, I was being coquettish, even if it made me a little shy to admit it.

But that's all, I don't want to get close to Sachiko anymore, no matter what happens next, even if I am killed by ghosts, I have to become a monster that can't live or die.

...it doesn't matter anymore.

That's it, disconnect us, I thought.

Obviously I wanted to stay away from Sachiko just like that, but when I heard her screams at night, I couldn't help but ran over.

She seemed to have a terrible nightmare, and after seeing me, she couldn't help but confide in me, and said a lot of nonsense to me unconsciously.

She said: "My child is dead...but it's not my child. I understand, I clearly understand, but it's still so sad, so sad."

Well, I know.

I thought of holding her like this.In the beginning, Sachiko cared so much about me because of that child, right?

If it wasn't for that child, Sachiko wouldn't even look at me—I surmise so maliciously, but it hurts because of this surmise.

Sachiko is a very gentle person, that's why she couldn't let me go.But I can't and can't be like her.

With that in mind, I looked at Sachiko who fell asleep again, and left there.

I thought this was really the last time, and I'm tired of hiding all year long, and it doesn't matter what happens next.But what I didn't expect was that when the next night came, Sachiko would come out of the room directly.

Listening to the noise coming from outside, I thought that only Sachiko could do such a thing.

I was silent for a while and hid in the closet.

I felt a familiar reassurance in the small, dark space, and curled up in the closet thinking it was like being in my mother's womb.

Sachiko, will she come to me?

When I was about to fall into the never-ending dream like this, there was the sound of footsteps outside. At this moment, I woke up suddenly, and my whole body tensed up like a hedgehog.

do not come!I yelled inside.

With a "click", the door was opened.

do not come!Obviously, as long as I leave it alone, it will be fine!

Footsteps approached.

I don't want to get out of here!As if returning to that dream, I screamed loudly in my heart.

Get out!no more-

The closet was opened, and some moonlight shone in through the window, and I shivered as if being burned by a flame.

"Oh, I got caught." I showed a nonchalant smile, knowing that saying this would hurt Sachiko, but I still said bluntly: "Are you going to kill me next, Sachiko?"

...Please, answer "yes".

I thought almost in despair.

Sachiko looked at me quietly, her expression was gentle and sad, she always looked at me with this look, as if I was the most precious treasure in the world, this made me feel painful and wanted to leave her far away.

Does Sachiko hate me?Otherwise why would she kill me side by side with such a look?

Please, don't come near me again.

Sachiko, who had killed me tenderly countless times, leaned over and hugged me, and she said, "Let's leave here together, just the two of us... let's go see the cherry blossoms together."

Being hugged tightly, I opened my eyes wide.

Sachiko in the dream pulled me out of my stomach covered in blood and dirt, and said to me with a happy and happy smile.

"Congratulations on being born into this world! Master Xiuzhi!"

In reality, Sachiko dragged me out of the small closet, and with an expression that seemed to be about to cry, told me about the promise made that day that should never be fulfilled.

No matter how I resisted, evaded, or even hated, Sachiko still stubbornly pulled me out, even though she was scarred by it, she still said to me with a clumsy smile: "Because I want to be your mother."

In a trance, the monster in my heart seemed to be crying at that moment, crying non-stop as if to shed all the tears in this life.

I closed my eyes and hugged Sachiko.

Her shoulders were narrow, not reassuringly broad as the books she had read said.But what I didn't expect at all was that someone with such narrow shoulders would stubbornly pull me out of the mire over and over again.

If I call you "Mom", will you take me away?Sachiko.

Would you be so happy to bring me into this world and say, "I'm happy because you exist"?

——Sachiko.

My gentle, clumsy, weak and crying Sachiko, who is unwilling to leave my Sachiko anyway, made an appointment to see the cherry blossoms with me.

--"Mother."

My most important mom.